Need advice: family pushing me to give birth in the US

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

Hello. I know I have asked many questions in the forum, but I would really appreciate if you help me with this in particular. Well, I am 25 weeks pregnant now, I am Dominican and have just got my visa (valid for ten years) to the US because I am traveling for a course in Havard Medical School. As most of dominicans, I have aunts living in the United States, my parents have traveled around the world and they have non-immigrant visa for the United States and other countries, but they have always lived in Dominican Republic, as well as my siblings. Now that I am going to travel there, and I am pregnant, they (my parents and other relatives) have been pushing me to give birth in the United States, they say that this an opportunity and that will be good for my child when he grows up, but I suspect that this is not a correct thing to do, also every time I think about it I feel sad, because this is our very first child and I can't imagine giving birth without my husband by my side (he can't go because he is Honduran and he is in process of Dominican residency), giving birth in the United States would never be as I imagine, I don't know anything there, while here I will give birth in the clinic where my father has his office and where I work, where nurses, doctors and other staff know me, and, the most important thing, in the US my husband would not be able to watch our son born, to hold him just in that moment, The people I really want to be there would not be. Thinking about that makes me feel so sad. My husband says he will support me in whatever I decide. They say there is a huge benefit with that, but I don't know if the sacrifice of that beautiful moment would worth it. My parents are economically stable and they help us with some things, my husband and I are both professionals and although now we are not as stable as we would like, we are working for that to give our children the best we could. Please, help me to clear my mind with this dilemma. What do you know about this? What do you think?

My update.

Thank you for all your comments, they were very accurate and helpful.

I did go to the US last month, with the purpose of completing the course I am doing and visiting family. I got tourist visa for 10 years, my pregnancy is not very visible and I was not asked about it during the interview for the visa. Anyway, in the airport was obvious that I was pregnant, because I asked for special assistance when booking my flight, as I traveled alone, pregnant and for the first time to the US. My intention was to stay for 12 days, I bought my returning flight from the beginning. I was asked about my intentions during the trip, I had all my documents proving my reasons to entering the US and they gave me about 20 days of entrance.

The experience was good, I loved Boston, walked in NY City, I had a surprise babyshower, many gifts and could buy things for my baby that I wouldn't find in DR...

Back into the topic... before my departure from DR, I made clear in my family that I was not giving birth in the US and they finally stopped insisting in it, my husband was very supportive with my decision and he felt the same way I did. My family in the US also thought it was a bad idea to give birth there, but it was annoying that all the relatives they introduced me thought that the purpose of my visit was giving birth there and some of them even tried to encourage me to do it.

Finally, I didn't find the advantage of the citizenship for my child, I confirmed that it is illegal, my travel insurance didn't cover anything related to pregnancy after 26 wks (I was 25 and 26 weeks during the travel), there were so many risks in doing that (could lose my child, get criminal record, never be able to travel again to the US, giving birth without medical assistance, etc). So, I am so glad I made the right decision, it would be just stupid to do that. I have so many opportunities for me and my family here in my country, I even got a great brand new job after my travel that will ensure my baby's well-being and will also give me time to take proper care of him.

Thank you all!

TheOtherJacobsons · July 2014

It really sounds like in your heart you know what you want to do.

MsMacual · July 2014

I agree- it sounds like you know what you want to do. I'm sure they have valid reason why they think you should give birth in the US, but you also have to be comfortable with everything and it sounds like you have a close connection with many of the providers who would be present if you gave birth at home.

MrsL2B · July 2014

It definitely sounds like you know what you want. I think this decision should be between you and your husband, and you should not worry as much about what the rest of the your family thinks.

persephonerose · July 2014

I am not sure what the benefit in having a baby in the US is. You don't really specify. Are they wanting you to have access to different/better health care? If you have no insurance in the US how will you pay for L&D? Are they just wanting you to give birth here because it could grant your child an American Citizenship?

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

MsMacual said:

I agree- it sounds like you know what you want to do. I'm sure they have valid reason why they think you should give birth in the US, but you also have to be comfortable with everything and it sounds like you have a close connection with many of the providers who would be present if you gave birth at home.

Yes, I really know what I want, but they keep telling me that this is good for my baby's future and I also feel afraid of missing an opportunity that would benefit him and later regret about it.

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

persephonerose said:

I am not sure what the benefit in having a baby in the US is. You don't really specify. Are they wanting you to have access to different/better health care? If you have no insurance in the US how will you pay for L&D? Are they just wanting you to give birth here because it could grant your child an American Citizenship?

Yes, basically is that, they say this will give my child better opportunities for education. i don't know exactly what are the benefits, but people that have children with American Citizeship say it worth it because the government has responsibility in covering the child needs. My parents offered to pay my expenses for the birth and they were told that as labor is an emergency, the must give assitance no matter if Women have insurance or not. Anyway, these are just things said by mouth, nothing that they have read or consult with experts. What is L&D?

persephonerose · July 2014

I guess I am going to be the bad guy then. If the only reason IS for citizenship then I think you should not have your baby in the US.

As a parent I always want to teach my child right from wrong and to set a good example for them. You would be purposefully taking advantage of your visa to come to the US to have your child, and if you have no insurance then you are leaving that burden on the hospital to cover the cost. That is not the kind of example I would want to set for my child.

If your son is born in your home country then he will have the same opportunities that you have had. The same ability to get educated, as you have done, and the ability to apply for visas to come work and learn in the US. I do not see how that puts him at any sort of disadvantage when you do not portray it as having been a disadvantage for you.

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

persephonerose said:

I guess I am going to be the bad guy then. If the only reason IS for citizenship then I think you should not have your baby in the US.

As a parent I always want to teach my child right from wrong and to set a good example for them. You would be purposefully taking advantage of your visa to come to the US to have your child, and if you have no insurance then you are leaving that burden on the hospital to cover the cost. That is not the kind of example I would want to set for my child.

If your son is born in your home country then he will have the same opportunities that you have had. The same ability to get educated, as you have done, and the ability to apply for visas to come work and learn in the US. I do not see how that puts him at any sort of disadvantage when you do not portray it as having been a disadvantage for you.

You are not being the bad guy, you are right. I would like my parents to understand that, people here takes that as something normal, but they critisize when Haitian women do that here in DR. I feel this is not something good to do, it is just ike you said, is taking advantage of something that doesnt belong to me.

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

There is huge pressure with this from my family in the US and from my family here, they think that is the best I could do and that it is something very normal with nothing bad about it. I thank you for your advices, it is true, I should not let my family decide for me and my husband and for my child, I want to have what I have always dreamed my first child birth should be and I dont want to be involved in illegal or questionable actions.

persephonerose · July 2014

hermanavelasquez said:

persephonerose said:

I am not sure what the benefit in having a baby in the US is. You don't really specify. Are they wanting you to have access to different/better health care? If you have no insurance in the US how will you pay for L&D? Are they just wanting you to give birth here because it could grant your child an American Citizenship?

Yes, basically is that, they say this will give my child better opportunities for education. i don't know exactly what are the benefits, but people that have children with American Citizeship say it worth it because the government has responsibility in covering the child needs. My parents offered to pay my expenses for the birth and they were told that as labor is an emergency, the must give assitance no matter if Women have insurance or not. Anyway, these are just things said by mouth, nothing that they have read or consult with experts. What is L&D?

Labor and Delivery
You also realize that if you do this, and your child is born in the US then certain laws apply to him. In some states there have been instances of families reported to Child protective services. The family courts have sent children born in the US to foster homes and the state deported the mothers back to their homeland because they are not citizens.

In addition, the government being responsible for covering your child's needs, means that your child is either living in foster care or you are applying for government assistance. You would really go from a educated professional in your homeland to living in poverty and government housing in the US just for citizenship for your son? Also, If you are able to get a good paying job in the US then you wont qualify for assistance from the government.

I am baffled that they just think the government covers everything a child needs. There are so many children in foster care who the government just gives the bare essentials to. They have housing (with strangers), they go to public schools, often times the foster parents are only given a small amount of food stamps to cover food costs, once a year they are given a stipend for school supplies and clothing. These children rarely have anything of their own, they are moved from home to home, and suffer psychologically because of it.

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

persephonerose said:

hermanavelasquez said:

persephonerose said:

I am not sure what the benefit in having a baby in the US is. You don't really specify. Are they wanting you to have access to different/better health care? If you have no insurance in the US how will you pay for L&D? Are they just wanting you to give birth here because it could grant your child an American Citizenship?

Yes, basically is that, they say this will give my child better opportunities for education. i don't know exactly what are the benefits, but people that have children with American Citizeship say it worth it because the government has responsibility in covering the child needs. My parents offered to pay my expenses for the birth and they were told that as labor is an emergency, the must give assitance no matter if Women have insurance or not. Anyway, these are just things said by mouth, nothing that they have read or consult with experts. What is L&D?

Labor and Delivery
You also realize that if you do this, and your child is born in the US then certain laws apply to him. In some states there have been instances of families reported to Child protective services. The family courts have sent children born in the US to foster homes and the state deported the mothers back to their homeland because they are not citizens.

In addition, the government being responsible for covering your child's needs, means that your child is either living in foster care or you are applying for government assistance. You would really go from a educated professional in your homeland to living in poverty and government housing in the US just for citizenship for your son? Also, If you are able to get a good paying job in the US then you wont qualify for assistance from the government.

I am baffled that they just think the government covers everything a child needs. There are so many children in foster care who the government just gives the bare essentials to. They have housing (with strangers), they go to public schools, often times the foster parents are only given a small amount of food stamps to cover food costs, once a year they are given a stipend for school supplies and clothing. These children rarely have anything of their own, they are moved from home to home, and suffer psychologically because of it.

It is sad to say, but I guess many people do that thinking they won't have to work anymore for their children. I did not know that things were like that, and I guess that people who do, as well as my family, are ignorant of all that. This is the first time I will travel to the US, and I am doing it because of a responsibility that I have over there, but I have never been interested in visiting your country far more than for tourism because I understand that immigrants think they will solve their problems arriving there, but then they have to face poverty and many problems that they would not find in their home country. It is true that there are many things good there, but I dont find the reason why wont people progress in their own countries.

persephonerose · July 2014

I really was not trying to lecture. But in the US, in particular where I live, Texas, there is a huge influx of children arriving sans their parents because the parents believe that we will not turn away children. If the state is able to locate the children's home or parents they will absolutely send these children back. Those who stay are put into an already over crowded foster care system.

These children are coming from South and Central America because their parents believe our foster care system is better than their homeland. And in some cases that might be true. But having lived as a foster child and worked with family courts and foster families it is a heart breaking way for these children to live.

hermanavelasquez · July 2014

persephonerose said:

I really was not trying to lecture. But in the US, in particular where I live, Texas, there is a huge influx of children arriving sans their parents because the parents believe that we will not turn away children. If the state is able to locate the children's home or parents they will absolutely send these children back. Those who stay are put into an already over crowded foster care system.

These children are coming from South and Central America because their parents believe our foster care system is better than their homeland. And in some cases that might be true. But having lived as a foster child and worked with family courts and foster families it is a heart breaking way for these children to live.

What my family proposed was to give birth there and come back with the child. After reading all this my decision in not doing it is stronger. It is good to talk to people who know from a real (not full of illusions) perspective what is all this about, I really felt alone with my thoguhts, cause everybody look at me if I were crazy or stupid for not wanting to do it, even when I asked for a certificate of my pregnancy in case I had to pass x-rays in the airport, my doctor's secretary assumed that I was asking for my whole medical record to give birth in the US and I had to explain her that I just wanted an evidence of my pregnancy.

golfingdarwinfish · July 2014

This thread is somewhat upsetting.

OP, it really does sound like you know what you want to do and as if you have moral and personal issues with the recommendation being made by your family.

brachysira · July 2014

I'm not sure this is the best place to ask--many people here are Americans and may not be able to recognize what they have gained from citizenship vs. someone who does not have it and would want it. I am among the former group, but I can tell you that my university is full of graduate students who want to give birth in the US and my birthing class was about half people in the same situation. I think you need to look for more sources of information about what happens when you arrive at a hospital and try to give birth without insurance in the US. Also, find out how much bills could be (some NICU bills can be a million dollars) and what happens if you cannot pay. Find out more specific information about the benefits of US citizenship today. Make sure that you will have no problems traveling back with your child.

I do not think it is immoral to want citizenship for your child. There are lots of terrible things in the US and many good. It is immoral and probably incorrect to expect that there are amazing welfare benefits that your child would get, although perhaps there are some that you could learn about if you needed to. However, perhaps there are scholarships, jobs, etc. that he could get that would not be available in your country.

I, personally, would like DH to be at the birth of our children, but even a baby-sitter issue might be enough to keep him away, and that will be okay. However, you probably do not want to give birth completely alone. If your aunts, etc. can help and be present at the birth, I think that could be enough for your safety and you will have to decide (if you resolve all the potential complications) whether giving birth in familiar surroundings is worth it.

BreandMikewedding · July 2014

All the previous posters have made good points and I agree. I do understand the desire for US Citizenship. I know that there are benefits that can make this a hard decision, but the fact that your husband wouldn't be able to see your child be born would make me suggest having your child in your home country. That really is a special moment that you can't get back!

Lapooh · July 2014

OP, this something you have to decide for yourself. There are obviously advantages to having a US citizenship ( or having the ability to opt for a US citizenship in the future if you don't choose it at birth) if the baby if born here. I have no knowledge of how the socio-economic and political situation in DR is and how that maybe influencing your decision.

I personally don't think it is a good idea to come here just to give birth. If you are in labor, no hospital would turn you back. I would, however,be concerned about the medical expenses you and your family here might face.

On the other hand, if you are legally entering the US attend a course, and end up giving birth here, I would say why not. You will hopefully have a few weeks/ months to find prenatal care. Seems you have family here so they should be able to help with the baby and post partum care.

meggiev123 · July 2014

Just to add another thing to consider, l&d in the US in very expensive. If your parents are not able to pay in full and in time and you have a debt to the hospital you will likely never be able to get a US visa again. So you may have a child that it a US citizen, but if they settle in the US you will never be able to visit them. The US visa system is quite sophisticated and I know they catch people doing this routinely.

cozybluebear · July 2014

If you have a healthy pregnancy with no signs of complication, I would deliver at home. Being surrounded by your husband and family will be an amazing experience.

crystal8503 · July 2014

persephonerose said:

hermanavelasquez said:

persephonerose said:

I am not sure what the benefit in having a baby in the US is. You don't really specify. Are they wanting you to have access to different/better health care? If you have no insurance in the US how will you pay for L&D? Are they just wanting you to give birth here because it could grant your child an American Citizenship?

Yes, basically is that, they say this will give my child better opportunities for education. i don't know exactly what are the benefits, but people that have children with American Citizeship say it worth it because the government has responsibility in covering the child needs. My parents offered to pay my expenses for the birth and they were told that as labor is an emergency, the must give assitance no matter if Women have insurance or not. Anyway, these are just things said by mouth, nothing that they have read or consult with experts. What is L&D?

Labor and Delivery
You also realize that if you do this, and your child is born in the US then certain laws apply to him. In some states there have been instances of families reported to Child protective services. The family courts have sent children born in the US to foster homes and the state deported the mothers back to their homeland because they are not citizens.

In addition, the government being responsible for covering your child's needs, means that your child is either living in foster care or you are applying for government assistance. You would really go from a educated professional in your homeland to living in poverty and government housing in the US just for citizenship for your son? Also, If you are able to get a good paying job in the US then you wont qualify for assistance from the government.

I am baffled that they just think the government covers everything a child needs. There are so many children in foster care who the government just gives the bare essentials to. They have housing (with strangers), they go to public schools, often times the foster parents are only given a small amount of food stamps to cover food costs, once a year they are given a stipend for school supplies and clothing. These children rarely have anything of their own, they are moved from home to home, and suffer psychologically because of it.

That's actually incorrect. An American citizen will never be deported but the parents are given the option to return to their home country WITH their child. Any child Left behind for the foster system is left there because that's what the parents chose.

MrMrsandBaby · July 2014

Loolaide said:

I don't even go here, I came to read about redheaded serial killers, but if your parents are willing to pay for the birth so you won't have hospital bills, there's no legal or moral reason not to, in my view. There are only personal reasons - that is, who you want around you during the birth. If you're thinking about it, look into whether your husband can get a tourist visa. Also, consider Canada instead of the US. They have free healthcare.

interesting...

aboodtobe · July 2014

Everyone made very valid and helpful recommendations. Personally, I think giving birth in your home town where you have your husband and understand the labor procedures would be the best. However, I wanted to give you some estimates for a birth in the United States. If you have a home birth with a certified midwife (which you could only do if you were "low risk") it could cost your parents about $3,000-$6,000. Again, depending on the area you live in. Also, this would assume no emergency transfer to a hospital. If you had a normal delivery in a hospital, it would likely cost your parents $10,000-$20,000 assuming no major complications (a cesarean would be at the higher end or more). Now, something most people don't realize is that you can negotiate your hospital fees (regardless if you have insurance or not). This is because insurance companies get negotiated rates. So, you can negotiate with the billing department to get the negotiated rate (especially if you can pay it all in cash). Please realize, however, that your parents will most likely be paying a lot of money (possibly $10,000-$30,000+). This may be enough to change their mind. These are fairly conservative estimates. I'm sure other women could tell you that their births cost significantly more.

archi35 · July 2014

Echoing everything people have said, and coming from an expat perspective myself, I think its a bad idea. Setting up a system where you will have secondary status off of your child seems inappropriate to the situation - the beauty of having your baby. That aside, since there is no concrete way to understand how citizenship laws in the US will change in the near future, I also think its a complicated addition to what you already have set up. If you have a system and plan in place that you are comfortable with, I would stick with it period.

If your child wants a US citizenship in the future they can certainly apply for and go through that process against their own decision. Being born outside the US doesn't make that impossible, as it does with many other countries.

MrMrsandBaby · July 2014

I just thought of this too...doesn't a baby have to be at least 4 weeks old to fly? If I'm right that means your husband wouldn't meet the baby for a month or more. Just more to consider.

turtlewifey · July 2014

It sounds like you know what you want to do and that following your heart in this instance is probably the way to go.

Coming to the US for the sole purpose of giving birth is illegal. It happens all the time, but it is still illegal.

If you are very visibly pregnant, be prepared for customs to question you thoroughly about your intentions, how long you plan to stay, etc. They can deny you entry if they think you are entering the US for the sole purpose of giving birth.

Also, most airlines won't let you fly after 36 weeks, so you'll have to come out early and sit around for a month, plus stay long enough on the other end to get the paperwork, passport, etc. situation figured out to bring your LO home. It could easily be 2 months away from your husband.

lrobi13 · July 2014

Loolaide said:

Wah wah all these women just want to keep you from achieving the american dream. GO FOR IT.

Nope. She asked a question on a public forum and those are the answers that she was given. Andalsoplus, the American Dream is kinda bullshit these days...yes it may be world better than many people in the world but it sounds as if her family is in a pretty good way in DR.

TheOtherJacobsons · July 2014

hermanavelasquez · August 2014

My update.

Thank you for all your comments, they were very accurate and helpful.

I did go to the US last month, with the purpose of completing the course I am doing and visiting family. I got tourist visa for 10 years, my pregnancy is not very visible and I was not asked about it during the interview for the visa. Anyway, in the airport was obvious that I was pregnant, because I asked for special assistance when booking my flight, as I traveled alone, pregnant and for the first time to the US. My intention was to stay for 12 days, I bought my returning flight from the beginning. I was asked about my intentions during the trip, I had all my documents proving my reasons to entering the US and they gave me about 20 days of entrance.

The experience was good, I loved Boston, walked in NY City, I had a surprise babyshower, many gifts and could buy things for my baby that I wouldn't find in DR...

Back into the topic... before my departure from DR, I made clear in my family that I was not giving birth in the US and they finally stopped insisting in it, my husband was very supportive with my decision and he felt the same way I did. My family in the US also thought it was a bad idea to give birth there, but it was annoying that all the relatives they introduced me thought that the purpose of my visit was giving birth there and some of them even tried to encourage me to do it.

Finally, I didn't find the advantage of the citizenship for my child, I confirmed that it is illegal, my travel insurance didn't cover anything related to pregnancy after 26 wks (I was 25 and 26 weeks during the travel), there were so many risks in doing that (could lose my child, get criminal record, never be able to travel again to the US, giving birth without medical assistance, etc). So, I am so glad I made the right decision, it would be just stupid to do that. I have so many opportunities for me and my family here in my country, I even got a great brand new job after my travel that will ensure my baby's well-being and will also give me time to take proper care of him.

Thank you all!

imagine7696030614 · August 2014

Glad to hear you loved Boston!

Sounds like you've made the right decision for yourself and family (DH and baby). I applaud you for putting a lot of thought into it and not just making a hasty decision about it. Best of luck to you.

MrMrsandBaby · August 2014

Boston is awesome, I loved visiting there. Yay for the baby shower too! I'm glad your family is on board with your decision now. Good luck and keep posting

hermanavelasquez · August 2014

Thank you! I really want to visit Boston again, hopefully with more time to do tourism.

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