FFFC Question

welly01 · July 2014

Does anyone regret having another kid (#2, 3, 4)? We are TTC #2, which we definitely totally want but we are undecided on any more. Its more DH's hesitation on how we will afford more than 2 kids. I know 3-4 kids is expensive but TONS of families do it and make it work. Plus, we are both well-educated people with IMO decent paying jobs. Does anyone regret having more kids just based on financial commitment and level of stress/chaos in the house?

welly01 · July 2014

I should add that when I think about being pregnant again, it makes me really sad to think that it will/might be the last time. I know that I should NOT push DH to have kids he doesn't want but sometimes I feel like I should have a say in it too, you know?

ss265 · July 2014

I think having kids should be a joint decision and if you have to PUSH your spouse into having more, then it could backfire on you.

Did you guys discuss the number of kids you wanted before you got married? If he agreed to a number and he's back-pedaling now, it's one thing. However, if you knew going into the marriage that he only wanted two then my personal opinion is that you shouldn't pressure him into having more.

DH has always wanted two and I kind of wanted a bigger family so I was hoping for three. Now that we are pregnant with #2 and we will have two boys, he is thinking of maybe trying for a third. He claims that he thinks we will miss the newborn phase but I think he wants a girl. I am on the fence about having a 3rd mainly because of the DC and college costs. We are planning to see how it is with 2 kids before we make any decisions.

Maybride2 · July 2014

Take it one kid at a time. Seriously. You're not even pregnant with #2 yet - don't worry about deciding on 3 or 4 kids until you're actually in a place to decide on it. You might find that 2 kids fulfills/overwhelms you and that you're happy to be a family of 4; your husband might find that he loves having more than one child so much that he wants more. You just don't know yet. It seems insane to argue over it now. Just agree that you're both open to seeing what the future holds.

welly01 · July 2014

ss265 said:

I think having kids should be a joint decision and if you have to PUSH your spouse into having more, then it could backfire on you.

DH has always wanted two and I kind of wanted a bigger family so I was hoping for three. Now that we are pregnant with #2 and we will have two boys, he is thinking of maybe trying for a third. He claims that he thinks we will miss the newborn phase but I think he wants a girl. I am on the fence about having a 3rd mainly because of the DC and college costs. We are planning to see how it is with 2 kids before we make any decisions.

I totally agree and I want to think I would never do that. Sometimes I just get selfish and want to do what I want. I tell him all the time that he's going to die before me, he should give me lots of kids to take care of me when I'm old, lol.

welly01 · July 2014

Maybride2 said:

Take it one kid at a time. Seriously. You're not even pregnant with #2 yet - don't worry about deciding on 3 or 4 kids until you're actually in a place to decide on it. You might find that 2 kids fulfills/overwhelms you and that you're happy to be a family of 4; your husband might find that he loves having more than one child so much that he wants more. You just don't know yet. It seems insane to argue over it now. Just agree that you're both open to seeing what the future holds.

Yes, this is so true. I don't know if I even want 3. I just think I do. We're definitely not arguing about it, just side comments and almost joking about it. We did sort of have an agreement that if we had another boy we would try for a girl. But then it made me realize that I would be really sad if I had a girl since it would mean I was done. Why can't we pick the number of kids we have based on something other than sex?

Thanks ladies. I always appreciate feedback. (And I'm just one of those people that is looking ahead, so I can't help that I'm thinking of stuff after #2).

dashofreality · July 2014

Well the decision was made for us when I realized that when they say take the mini pill at the exact same time every day, they really mean it $:\$ "> I don't regret it, and I'm not sure how much is influenced by having them so close (19 months), but 2 rocked my world. 1-2 was a million times harder for me than 0-1. I've heard that one is none and 2 is 10, and I get where that is coming from. I definitely don't have regrets, but there are times where we are doing things and I think wow this would be much easier if with just one kid. But they do entertain each other now and it is getting much easier as DS gets older. And watching the two of them together is awesome.

I personally could not keep it together with more than 2 kids - logistics, stress, dividing attention, too many demands on my time. I'm sure I would manage if I had to but after having the second we were comfortable making it permanent.

As to finances, it really depends on what your comfortable with and what you want to give your kids. Apparently there are people on the SAHM board that feel that you shouldn't have kids if you can't afford to send them to college. I don't agree at all, but obviously there are tradeoffs. There is no way around it, kids are expensive.

I wouldn't stress this now though, wait until the second is here to decide. And babies are one of those decisions in life that I do think that a 'no' trumps. Everyone I know that has forced the issue with a spouse has not been happy they did so.

fitmom82 · July 2014

I always wanted 3, when I was TTC with # 2 and pregnant with #2, even in labor, it just felt so sad that that would be the last time, DH wanted to stop with 2. Now that they're 2 and 4, I worry that I'd regret #3. Since DD will be out of daycare soon, we could swing 3, but if we stick to 2 we can finally afford a new car, more vacations, and I won't have to think so carefully about my purchases or the kid's activities. I'm with the kids alot, and I feel I can do alot with 2, but I have to plan things very carefully. Even at 4 DD can still be a runner. I have to regularly remind her to stay with me. Right now I can carry DS while I hold DD's hand, hold both their hands, keep them both in a shopping cart, if I add a 3rd that's all over. Hopefully there will soon be a day DD can handle just walking next to me, but I can't risk it. If I had a 3rd right now I could never leave the house. I also like to do alot of activities with the kids. Most places after 2 you have to pay, that adds up quick. I've also heard that even numbers are alot easier. If you go away you can do 2 to a bed. At an amusement park 1 parent can go with each child.

If we were to have more I'd want to go for 4, we have 3 small bedrooms now and 1 bathroom. I won't be able to afford a new house until we're done with daycare so I'm 99% sure we're done. If an accident happens I won't be upset, but I'm sure it won't be something we plan.

kristennd · July 2014

I have at least three friends who were certain they wanted 3-4 all the way until they had #2. It's too soon too make a final decision and definitely too soon to let it be a conflict with your DH.

mittensonkittens · July 2014

The only time I've ever had a regretful thought about having my third child was when I looked up prices for Disney cruises for a family of 5. Yikes! Life is harder with 3, and more expensive, but it works. It's hard to imagine the level of chaos of 3 until you've had #2. I'd table the discussion until you've had #2.

legalbeagle1 · July 2014

Would love more responses to this especially #1 to #2. L is 20 months and we've agreed to wait until he's three before making a "final" decision but right now I think id like one more. Finances are going to make it tough with all that NYC costs though and DH is leaning toward being done with one. I think he wants to have a comfortable life with plenty of money and vacations and not struggle like his family did growing up and I can't say I blame him. If it comes down to it I won't force the issue, but I am curious as to whether people thought the financial move to more kids would be cheaper and then realized they way underestimated.

emberlee3 · July 2014

We always knew we wanted at least 2 kids. DH loves babies, and he thought for a while we should have a third. I don't really want a third. My 2 kids get along great, and we have a lot of fun as a family of four. Finances definitely factor into my decision.

jlaOK · July 2014

I always knew that I wanted at least 2 kids (I actually wanted more but we are stopping at 2). 2 kids is more work but I agree that it was easier to go from 1 to 2 than it was going from 0 to 1. I really stressed about the finances. Paying for 2 kids in daycare for 2 years seemed like such a financial burden. We are now 1 year into it and it's no longer that big of a deal. I guess we are used to it and have adjusted our budget but doing it for another year now doesn't seem so huge.

MommyAtty · July 2014

We had #2 10 weeks ago. So far, moving from 1 to 2 has been much harder for me than going from 0 to 1. So get through #2 before you start thinking about #3! To be fair, going from 0 to 1 was much harder for DH than it was going from 1 to 2. So it's different for everyone. Even people in the same house with the same finances and same kids.

itsmevkb · July 2014

Regret? No, never. However, there are times when my husband and I look at each other and say "what have we done" in a joking way.

We had trouble conceiving our second and there were many heated discussions between us because my husband was okay with just having one while I was not. Prior to getting married we discussed children and I always said at least two if not 3 plus, whereas DH was more of a let's take it one baby at a time. I understand the idea that if one spouse says "no" then no more babies, however, I think of it more in terms of who feels more strongly. In our case, I definitely felt more strongly that we should have another baby than my husband thought we shouldn't. He was sort of okay either way, if it happens it happens, if not fine.

Now, with four, I can say we have no regrets as each one has added more love to our family. However, at the same time, things are chaotic and the older they get the more I realize there are things I/we didn't quite realize would be so crazy until I was actually experiencing them. Sure, I got that we'd never be able to pay for all of them to go to college, but it's things like seeing my oldest eat so much food and thinking about how that will get worse the older he gets that sometimes strikes fear in me. I can't just buy one bunch of bananas, I have to buy 20. We already go through three gallons of milk in a week and I know one day soon it will be five. A loaf of bread runs out so quickly! And, that's just the food, I'm not even talking about keeping track of their schedules, trying to decide what activities to have them in given the time obligations, transportation and money considerations, etc. I think we thought having so many young kids would be hard and now I've come to realize that nope, that is the EASY part.

Good luck on your decision.

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