It's Our Baby Not Yours!

foodieforlife · July 2014

Short and sweet- my in-laws have taken to calling our baby "their" baby and planning their days around him! zi was pregnant with twin boys but lost one a month ago due to twin to twin transfusion. It was a very hard time for DH and I and we are just now feeling like ourselves. We love our surviving twin beyond words and just don't see ourselves handing him over for the sake of pleasing the grandparents.

When I found out I was having twins my MIL called my mom and said won't that be great. now we can each have a baby! and how excited she was that she could always hold a baby!

My inlaws are very different from my parents in the sense that they do not work, do not have hobbies and literally sit in their house waiting for one of their 3 grown children to call them for a favor. While I appreciate their willingness to help, I can't wrap my head around it.

I am a very independent person and DH and I are both in our mid 30's. We've been married 5 years and I've been a nanny for 12+. I know when their daughter had a baby 8 years ago my MIL literally made it her whole world to take care of him because SIL didn't have any infant experience. Which won't be the case here.

I plan to breastfeed and my MIL told me I was selfish because then she couldn't feed the baby. It's all about her.

I know I'm probably stressing more than I should but when my SIL had her son my inlaws literally camped out at the hospital for 28 hours while she was in labor and then have never gone away! They drive 45 to her house just to say hi or to see if they need anything.

We only live 7 miles from them and I just am worried that we'll be there new project! While I was on bed rest for the past month they came over almost everyday and literally sat in my den staring at me and watching food network. I finally had Dh tell them to go home.

sorry so long! any suggestions or similar stories please feel free to share!

Thank you for any advice or

ssstephanie214 · July 2014

Oh I would HATE this. Sounds like they need a puppy

pennyandandy · July 2014

Woah. I think your DH needs to set some boundaries with them, stat. Otherwise, they will be in your house every day.

Maelara · July 2014

I'm torn. I very strongly don't have a 'it's my baby, not yours' instinct. But your inlaws also sound bat shit crazy. It's probably best for your DH to handle things as it's his family. If they just show up at your door, don't answer. You were 'busy'.

Melissa2216 · July 2014

@foodieforlife said:

I plan to breastfeed and my MIL told me I was selfish because then she couldn't feed the baby. It's all about her.

______________________

Whoa. That right there tells me that this woman is BSC and has no boundaries. DH needs to lay down the law before the baby comes. First rule: call before visiting. No dropping by allowed. Period. Those people would drive me insane. I can't stand when people invite themselves in/overstep their bounds, etc.

Sorry, the quote box freaked out on me and I had to make it go away.

hiketheworld · July 2014

You have my sympathies. That behavior would drive me totally insane. I agree with others. Set boundaries now. If they come over uninvited don't let them in.

carafern · July 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss of a twin. We lost a twin two months ago and I think of it often.

As for the MIL, I agree with PPs that you have to set boundaries now or otherwise it sounds like it'll be a constant struggle. Seriously, that lady sounds crazy.

sweetbabyrahe · July 2014

I agree with pp about setting boundaries. It is great they want to be involved, just a little on the overboard side. Maybe compromise by setting a certain visit schedule for them... Like every Sunday afternoon or something. At some point you may feel comfortable pumping into a bottle. I started doing that once a day before I went back to work to get DS used to a bottle. That could give mil a chance to feed. Bottom line, I would stand strong and firm in your decisions and set limits early on.

smboswell1 · July 2014

I agree with the puppy! I thought my situation was bad... Guess not! Since I'm young and still in school, I'm moving out of my apartment and into the house with my mom and grandparents. My grandmother and mom are already driving me crazy and I haven't even moved in! My grandmother hates the fact that I'm buying onesies for the baby. She says she refuses to dress him in onesies. Okay good thing I'll be dressing him! She was in the attic last night going through all of my brothers old baby clothes. Ugh....

rox825 · July 2014

Ditto PPs about setting boundaries. If your H won't do it, it's your house and your baby too so you may need to eventually try to tackle it, but it'd be best for him to handle. If you don't want them camped out at the hospital, don't call til the baby is born and you're ready for visitors. And if they show up at the house unexpectedly, you don't have to answer the door, sorry I was sleeping while the baby took a nap is probably a great excuse! They sound like a PITA, sorry you have to deal with it.

jac409 · July 2014

I agree with all of the advice given by PP. I don't have any to add, but wanted to say that you are making me very glad my inlaws are 3 states away, or I would be in the same boat as you!

mander82 · July 2014

I would get your husband to step in for sure. They need a pet.

Celticlass6 · July 2014

Agree with above. Set dome boundaries and make sure your DH backs you up. If you let things continue they'll never learn!

cindyNmark2010 · July 2014

Lock the doors, shut off the phone. Definitly set the rules.....no drop ins or drive bys without calling!! I'm so glad my mom would never do this and I don't think my MIL would even come to the hospital.

HappyToBeHere · July 2014

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of one twin. You definitely have my sympathies with the in-laws thing. My FIL is fine, but my MIL is also making me put my back up more than I thought I'd have to. We, too, will be having to set boundaries, so if you do it soon, please let me know how it goes!

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I can't totally commiserate with the whole "it's our baby" thing since no one has called our babies their babies (and I can't foresee myself getting mad about it, but I'm not in that situation yet). But it does sound like there needs to be some boundaries put up between you guys and MIL! I'm sure she's just excited, but it sounds like she is crossing the line to overbearing. Not cool!

AnnieRoo13 · July 2014

Firstly I wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult to deal with losing one baby and still having to be strong and happy for the second.

In regards to your in-laws I can kind of relate. My MIL can be a bit much at times and will definitely just drop in at our house when the baby arrives. In one way, I am trying to appreciate her and I know I will need her help at times as my own mother has passed away and DH's family is local- mine is not. BUT you're right in that you and your DH need to figure this out on your own. I'm very much looking forward to sort of fumbling through our baby's firsts together and not having MIL there watching over my shoulder. My SIL and BIL have twins that our MIL is obsessed with and I definitely want to avoid that type of behaviour at our house (not letting anyone else play with them, sneaking treats to them when no one is looking, posting a million pictures of them on FB). As others have already said, you both need to set boundaries and hopefully they will follow them.

rsmall326 · July 2014

I know your pain! My SIL is also pissed that I have decided to breast feed because she can't feed the baby. She also is talking about buying her own car seat for her car like she is going to be taking my newborn baby from me! I was going to ask her to be the godmother but I'm a little too freaked out to do that now. I'm hoping she calms down a bit once the baby is here or she might make me go into hiding

ColtiersMom · July 2014

I do think you should set boundaries but they are also very excited about your child and obviously have a lot of love to give to your baby. Maybe u could ask them to bring y'all dinner every other night for the first few weeks so you wouldn't have to cook and juggle that and a newborn all at once and that could be a time for them to see the baby and hold him/her while you and DH eat a nice hot meal. DH could also let them know that just dropping by is a bad idea because of your nursing schedule, baby's sleep schedule and that you have to get your own daytime routine down without a lot of people always around.

dbgwife · July 2014

I have anxiety for you! I agree with everyone else, have your husband set boundaries before the baby is born. Call before coming over, and inform the nurses your in laws are not welcome in or near the delivery room. I cannot believe your mother in law finds you selfish for breastfeeding... It baffles me. I've never understood how another persons child, and their mode of feeding could ever really affect anyone else. Boob or bottle, baby is getting fed! There will be plenty of time to snuggle after!

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