Grandparent problems

jemasa33 · July 2014

Is anyone else having issues with their parents or inlaws not being very involved? When I was little, my parents would always take me to my grandmas whenever they needed anything. She packed my lunch every day for school, watched me every day in the summer, watched me every day after school, and kept us overnight all of the time. My husband also spent a significant amount of time at his grandparents when he was growing up.

Now that they have become grandparents, my family forgets that they ever had help raising their kids. I hear a lot of "I already raised my kids, so now it's your turn". I'm not asking for them to babysit my children so I can do fun activities or to do anywhere near as much as my grandparents did for them. It would be nice to not have to take all three kids to an OB appointment or to have an ingrown toenail dug out (while my two year old climbed on me the entire time). It would be nice to have a FIL who took time to actually see his grandkids during his busy "retired" schedule of playing softball and going on vacation.

I see all of my neighbor's parents helping out with their kids all of the time. Am I the norm or the exception?

martyn17 · July 2014

My parents and in laws live out of state so we don't get frequent help. But if they were close, I think they'd be very involved. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed with the grandparents

mittensonkittens · July 2014

I'm sorry you're not getting help from the grandparents. It's hard. We don't have help because we live 1000+ miles away from them, but it would hurt to know that they are right there and don't want to be involved. My grandparents didn't have much of a presence in my life, so I guess I don't expect it. But if we lived closer, I know we would have one set of kid-crazy grandparents who would be happy to help all the time, and another set who would come to visit and expect to be served lunch.

KikiCohen · July 2014

My ILs are super involved when we are around them, but we always have to take P to see them. They never visit us. My MIL is the only one who has been to our place since P was born and that was the night we brought him home b/c she dropped off supper for us.

My parents are more give and take (as in, they're here sometimes, we're there sometimes). They are almost overly involved at times, but P is their only grandchild (I'm an only child). The thing with them is, they overly volunteer to watch him for us (as in, at times when we plan to take P with us somewhere and they want us to drop him off) but then they don't always follow through when I actually ask them to watch him.

karen0477 · July 2014

My mom likes to think she's very involved, but they live 5 minutes away and will go weeks without seeing them. She has an issue with coming to my house, she always wants us to go to her house and it's just too much sometimes to pack up all three kids to go there for coffee. I tell her she's welcome to come over whenever, but nope, she doesn't.....

Inlaws live in another province so we only see them a couple of times a year.

saphires · July 2014

I'm sorry you are not getting any help with the kiddos. Are you able to hire a sitter for your appointments and errands?

My parents are not as involved with my LO as they are and have been with my sisters kids. My mom & dad watch my sisters kids at least once if not twice a week. I rarely ask them because I feel guilty since they are practically raising her kids. But, they don't really ask to see him or come to our house either. It kind of makes me sad....

My in-laws are somewhat involved but not as much as I thought. My MIL doesn't work but has never really offered to help much and I don't feel comfortable asking.

new2011mommy · July 2014

My parents and in laws live 45 minutes away. My parents both work full time. My MIL does not work and she did babysit DS so I did not have to take him to my ultrasounds when I was pregnant with DD, but since she has such a drive, I do not like to ask often. We see my parents maybe 3-4 times a month and my IL's maybe 1-2 times a month. This is because DH and I also work so we only have weekends to visit with them and we have stuff to do as well.

I also have a hard time with appointments since I cannot take 2 kids. I schedule my dentist appointments on saturdays. I took a day off and scheduled my yearly ob appointment for when DH was off. Now I am trying to figure out when to schedule with my primary care. I am thinking of waiting for DS to start preschool and then I will only have to take DD with me.

giraffeluvspi · July 2014

martyn17 said:

My parents and in laws live out of state so we don't get frequent help. But if they were close, I think they'd be very involved. I'm sorry you're feeling disappointed with the grandparents

^This^

queenbone · July 2014

My mom babysits almost whenever I need her to, but she also worked up until last month so it was only on weekends. She's a widow so she tries to keep pretty busy after work.

My ILs don't live in town, so I'm not sure how helpful they would be if they were here.

I know some might think I criticize the Boomers too much, but I think what you may be experiencing is a reflection on their generation's "Me!" attitude.

ashie624 · July 2014

MIL is pretty much our babysitter. Not so much in the summer cause shes back to work, but in the fall and winter when shes not working, LO goes to her house.

My mom tries to help when she can. But she works nights so its difficult. She definitely wants to help more.

FIL and step MIL are different. While they help sometimes they are not as willing to help as MIL and my mom. But they also have a 10 year old at home.

jemasa33 · July 2014

Thank you everyone for the responses. It was interesting to read how different everyone's experiences are. Typically I work during the school year and send the boys to my DCP, but she has been on vacation for a while.

I agree with what some of you said; that I am more upset about the lack of involvement more than the lack of help. It is really sad to sit here and listen to my kids beg to see their grandparents and I have to constantly tell them "not today". My two year old goes around saying "Gigi's at work" or "Pappy's at work" all day.

Thankfully my mom decided to keep DS1 overnight tonight. The other two kids are super sick and my husband and I haven't slept in days. Thank goodness for my grandma and her "pep talks" with my mom.

Also, double ear infections on a baby are fucking horrible. I could fall asleep on my kitchen floor right now.

PrimRoseMama · July 2014

My dad is deceased, & my mom is disabled in addition to living states away. My IL don't really help . They just come to talk at us & try to tell us how to live our lives as they think we should. So, neither set of parents are involved in a way that you describe.

We make use of care.com & now have a good network of caregivers we can call on in case of emergency. It's not ideal but in my experience the "it takes a village" mentality is going the way of The Dodo.

Hopefully I can be more involved with my grand kids & barring any major healthy/geography issues that's my plan.

So, you aren't alone.

theuntaggablek · July 2014

Our parents live a flight or long day or two's drive away. They would do more if they were closer and love to play with the kids.

I am appalled by those (not op) who take advantage of grandparents' generosity. My parents are in their seventies and in good shape but tire. My bro & sil have basically dumped their kids at my parents' house for a month the past few summers. They are good kids, but they are also full of energy and need amusement. My bro & sil didn't even give clear end dates one year...just kept extending for "a few more days..."

I could tell things were bad when my mom , who was anti TV when we were kids, was planting my niece and nephew in front of a Disney marathon daily. Not good. Puts the kids in an awful spot too.

So in short, there's a delicate balance and start and end times and respect for grandparents' autonomy should be respected.

coco2787 · July 2014

A little late to this but...
First off, big hugs. From this post and others you sound pretty overwhelmed. As others said, grandparents aren't obligated to help
, but I understand feeling hurt that they don't seem to want to see their grand kids. There is also no doubt you need some help, and I don't recall what your husbands hours are like, but he expects entirely too much from you. He is living is some kind of alternate reality if he thinks it's perfectly reasonable to take kids with you to test drive vans and expects you to just do everything just because you have the summer "off". I don't know if you have talked to him about this stuff, but you seem like you are maxed out.

Are you asking them for help and they are just flat out saying no, or are they just not offering? If it's the former, I would be hurt too, especially since you're doing stuff like doctors appointments with three kids in tow. If you aren't asking, I would start there, sometimes people feel like they're overstepping, or maybe you just seem like you have it all together and don't need it! Sorry this got long, I hope things get better for you soon. >:D<

beckyanddon · July 2014

My parents are super involved! My mil I think wants to be involved but often doesn't. Most recently she went to a concert by her self on the 4th. In our small suburb might I add and spent the night afterward but wouldn't come watch the fireworks with us and the boys. There is often a reason or concert or some reason she cannot come across town. .... But might I add when she does she's AWESOME! I love her and get along very well with her. I just worry that she's missing out!

summerchild · July 2014

I think I may be a SS.

We live close to DH's family whereas my family is over an ocean away. MIL is dying to be more involved with DS in the day to day but for the most part we handle things on our own. Every so often we will plan a time for her to watch him because what she really wants is alone time with our son. At family events she often will pick up DS and leave the room or sit at a different table. It is uncomfortable being around her because she calls DH and I "love stealers" if we show DS affection or try to soothe him if he is crying. Even though we see her at least every other week - sometimes multiple times per week, she always makes annoying comments about how she doesn't know what is going on with DS and how she can't wait to just take him and for him to wean. We have our reasons for not jumping at the chance to leave DS with her, especially when he was younger. When she found out we were pregnant, she bought a brand new SUV in anticipation of carting around grand kids and taking them to sporting events, camping, etc. I digress...

I would say that she is available and I am grateful to know that if I ever were to need her to watch him or in an emergency situation, she would be willing to help out. My mom was a young single mother and we lived with my grandma. I was very close to my grandma because my mom was hardly around as she worked a lot to put food on the table and send me to school. Although I do want our son to love and spend time with his grandma, I think she views her role as more involved than I am comfortable with. Her sisters are practically raising their grand kids and I think she expected the same. It's a power struggle with us right now as we work out the kinks of growing our own family, but I imagine as we have more children and DS is older we may be in a better place and I will be lucky to count on her more.

grapeskittles4lyfe · July 2014

summerchild said:

I think I may be a SS. We live close to DH's family whereas my family is over an ocean away. MIL is dying to be more involved with DS in the day to day but for the most part we handle things on our own. Every so often we will plan a time for her to watch him because what she really wants is alone time with our son. At family events she often will pick up DS and leave the room or sit at a different table. It is uncomfortable being around her because she calls DH and I "love stealers" if we show DS affection or try to soothe him if he is crying. Even though we see her at least every other week - sometimes multiple times per week, she always makes annoying comments about how she doesn't know what is going on with DS and how she can't wait to just take him and for him to wean. We have our reasons for not jumping at the chance to leave DS with her, especially when he was younger. When she found out we were pregnant, she bought a brand new SUV in anticipation of carting around grand kids and taking them to sporting events, camping, etc. I digress... I would say that she is available and I am grateful to know that if I ever were to need her to watch him or in an emergency situation, she would be willing to help out. My mom was a young single mother and we lived with my grandma. I was very close to my grandma because my mom was hardly around as she worked a lot to put food on the table and send me to school. Although I do want our son to love and spend time with his grandma, I think she views her role as more involved than I am comfortable with. Her sisters are practically raising their grand kids and I think she expected the same. It's a power struggle with us right now as we work out the kinks of growing our own family, but I imagine as we have more children and DS is older we may be in a better place and I will be lucky to count on her more.

you sound very positive about your MIL, while honestly going on your first paragraph I would have had a stern word with her a while ago. maybe she needs to get a pet? because taking your child so she can be alone with him is just all kinds of weird.

maybe she has a lot of other redeeming qualities and I obviously don't know your lyfe

but maybe she's overcompensating and will mellow down when your LO gets older and more siblings are on the way.

summerchild · July 2014

@amparo1981‌ I really hope so! I ended up blowing up on her about a month ago.

Things are still shaky but better. Her behavior is weird and it often feels like she is competing with me and DH for our son's affection, but focusing on the positive, at least I have the help available if I were to need it.

.

Clyde013 · July 2014

My parents are extremely involved. Despite living hundreds of miles from us. They visit and are watching E this entire month. They absolutely love having her around but of course it's such hard work. We don't "pay" them but we get them extremely generous gifts (temperpedic mattress for example) as a thank you for helping so much.

My inlaws are in there 70s and travel a ton. They will only visit when it works with their travel plans and just a quick stop by for an hour.

jemasa33 · July 2014

livvyx said:

What is the age difference between you and your parents, and your parents and their parents?

It could be a situation like your grandparents were in their mid 50s when you were young, but your parents are in their late 60s now that you have young ones and they're just exhausted. My parents live 4,000+ miles away, but they can't really take care of Pickle when they are around. Especially my mom - she has arthritis and has trouble even pushing the pram. Anyway I agree with PP to get a different babysitter.

@livvyx My mom was 28 when she had me and my grandma was about 22 when she had her, so there is a little bit of a difference. I don't think that has anything to do with it though.

Wow that is a far distance between you are your parents! I'm sorry that your mom is having so much trouble with her arthritis.

DenverBride2005 · July 2014

I'm sorry you're frustrated! Neither of our parents live in town, so they are involved from a distance. My mom lives two hours away so she is able to drive and visit once every few weeks (in the summer; less often the rest of the year). My dad passed away last fall and I'd give anything to have him back watching his grandsons grow up. My ILs are in Idaho, but they have a lot of FF miles so they're able to come once every few months. Other than that though, we really have no one to help very often and rely on DC a lot. I know it's hard to do on your own without help--if you asked for help more often would your parents and ILs be responsive?

Carrie3102 · July 2014

I would feel very similar to you if my parents didn't want to help. My mom watches both kids all summer long m-f 6-4... She LOVES it. I wish they could go there all the time and so does she. She was a SAHM but we still saw our grandparents (her parents) almost daily, especially in the summer, they had a pool.

For my family, grandparents were always involved. I couldn't see it any other way. So, I guess I would feel very similar to you (pending a little more back story, do they just say no, or what?) if they didn't want to help.

opheliainwaders · July 2014

I guess we're a little bit of an SS here...my parents both live far enough away that we see them for visit, but not on a day-to-day basis. My mom has definitely watched DD for a day when we went to a wedding in MA, that sort of thing (and she's happy to help), but she's too far away to "help" day-to-day.

My ILs live closer, but my SIL and BIL and their 2 kids live WITH my ILs, so they've bogarted all the babysitting. My SIL tends to plan things like, 8 weeks in advance to go out to dinner, whereas we generally will start looking for a sitter on Tuesday for Saturday (we have a few neighborhood teenagers who help out), so it's rare that my ILs are free to watch DD. They do come over for dinner about once a month, and my MIL was a lifesaver this winter when I was so sick.

jemasa33 · July 2014

Sorry I have been really busy and it was hard to keep up with replying on this thread from my phone (kept logging me out).

My mom used to be overly helpful with DS1. She was over my house way too much until she got her boyfriend. She then started coming over once a week, which was amazing. She came over the nights DH worked all day. Then all of a sudden she just stopped. She had a bunch of excuses about why she couldn't come on "her night" (another story). She started wanting me to come to her house every single time, or just said I wasn't able to for some reason. She also made plans to do something with me and completely blew me off over and over again without explaining. The boys got really sad and started asking about her all the time. My grandma lectures her about twice a year because she does this that often. Since my grandma last talked to her, she stopped doing that weird stuff (so far).

Dad lives an hour away and I don't like to bother him. My half-sister is 11 so he has enough going on.

MIL passed away. FIL will help in emergencies if he isn't busy. In the summer, he is ALWAYS busy. He never sees the kids and he lives 10 minutes away. He does help during the school year with picking up SD from school and taking her to her after school program 1-2 days a week.

I just get frustrated that in the case of an emergency, I feel really alone. I have been so busy with school, work, and kids that I haven't been keeping up with friends as much. They used to be such a great resource when I needed help.

I just talked to DCP and she decided that she is "taking the summer off". I don't blame her and I am excited she is taking the time, but I wish she was there for emergencies!

For now I am in search of an emergency sitter..

jemasa33 · July 2014

...and DH is helpful most of the time. Although he complains a lot and has pretty bad ideas sometimes, he cooks me dinner every night and does most of the housework since I've been finishing up with a tough month of school. He also plans spontaneous double date nights and cookouts when I'm sad (awesome!) I do end up doing 90% of the stuff with the kids. I do all the birthday parties, doctor appointments, ER trips, grocery shopping, buying everything they need, their clothes, etc. I do prefer that to cooking and cleaning though. Realistically, we are two stubborn-headed people who butt heads a lot. BIL thinks we will make it forever because we "keep each other in check" and "don't let each other get away with anything".

hollandmama · July 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this, I guess it's difficult to ask for help when it's not offered and it could even be hurtful that they don't think about helping without being asked.

We live abroad but still both sets of parents are involved in our LOs life... my mom and my MIL both took several months off work to come and babysit LO until now that he is 1 year-old because we didn't want to send him to DC before that. The grandpas visit less but I know they'd love to visit more often if they had time and money to do it.

I don't think you are the exception though, several of my friends' parents say "it's your turn" every single time. I hope your parents get more involved because it's not only a help for you, their involvement is great for LOs development, I think being taken care of by someone who is not your mom and dad really increases a child's security, plus it's way more fun to be at the grandparents than at the OB!

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