Sex/gender question

ebl2 · July 2014

Over the fourth of July weekend we were celebrating with DH’s family and one of his aunts, who we don’t see very often, was talking to me and asked if we knew the gender of our baby. I told her we were having a girl and then very politely explained the difference between using the word gender and sex (something I didn’t know until you all informed me, thank you). She looks at me offended and confused and says that I better not dress the baby in anything pink, tutus or bows because then I would just be a hypocrite if that’s how I feel about the term gender. She says if I’m going to let the baby live their life and decide what feels right then I shouldn’t influence her by dressing her in anything but neutral clothing and give her neutral everything. While rude as this was it actually got me thinking. Am I going to be a hypocrite for dressing my daughter up in pink and bows while also telling people we don’t know her “gender” yet and preaching about the difference between gender and sex? Do you all plan on dressing your LO in neutral clothing?

Manateearmz · July 2014

Oh please. I didn't buy anything for DD that had ruffles or pink on it. I got a shit ton of pink at my baby shower but it wasn't my intent, because it's not my style. She is now 3 and if it isn't pink, purple and laced with enough glitter to make a unicorn sneeze she isn't wearing it....her choice.

The idea that you can "influence" your child's gender based on clothing is a bunch of bullshit. It's like saying if you dress your son in pink he's going to become gay.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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desireeariel · July 2014

You just mind fucked yourself. Dress your child how you want. They will learn what they are comfortable in when they are old enough to know the difference and they will let you know. I don't think this makes you a hypocrite at all.

abcmom12 · July 2014

I dress DD in the rainbow, lots of brights and cooler shades during the fall/winter months and she loves it. whenever I put her in a dress though, she's transformed into some southern belle and acts sassy but I'll be damned if she'll keep even a bow on her head for 30secs lol

unlike me who wore only pink for like 5yrs

CandEChicago · July 2014

I agree with the others dress your kid how you want. They will decide later what type of clothes they want to wear later. And as previously mentioned you can't influence gender by how you dress your kid.

nesenotes · July 2014

Dress her however you want. It's fair game until they start having opinions. Some girls like fluff some dont.

My daughter just so happens to love glitter and color. I do to so maybe that apple didn't fall far from the tree. If my next daughter only wants to wear brown that's ok too. Whatever gets us out if the house the fastest and with the least tantrums is ok in my book.

dianeg1017 · July 2014

I see exactly where you're coming from with this and I do find it completely hypocritical for someone to argue the point of sex and gender and then dress their child how they see fit according to their sex. Although I know the gender cannot be influenced by what clothes you choose to put on your child I do see the point you're making.

allonsyalonso · July 2014

I get where you're coming from. As far as I'm concerned, my son has been dressed in a manner that makes gender assumptions and chances are good that regardless of this LO's sex that they will be, too. But that doesn't mean that I'm set on my male child defining himself as a boy. It just means that until he tells me otherwise, I'm assuming my male child is a boy.

I hope that makes sense the way it does in my head.

agsgrrl · July 2014

I am with everybody on my kid is going to wear what I like until their own opinion is formed. You gave me hemorrhoids and heartburn, you get to wear the AC/DC onsie

MaineMama · July 2014

chayshay1408 said:

until your child can choose for itself what it wants to wear then I believe you can dress them in whatever you feel necessary.

My son wore my high heels, asked if I could do his makeup and paint his nails when he was 3.

Now at 6, if it has pink near it, he won't touch it. If his pants aren't covered in dirt he's not wearing them.

I let him wear whatever his little heart desires.

Yep, when my son was 3ish he would put on makeup every day, and most days also asked me to curl his eyelashes. I didn't care, so I let him do what he wanted. Now he is 6 and full of dirt and camouflage.

My 2yo DD wants to wear nothing but dresses and mud boots. The fancier the dress, the better, and a "rainbow" (aka, hair bow) Then she goes and climbs in with the pigs (for real).

I think the biggest thing you have learned in this interaction with your relative is to pick your audience. I think the difference between sex and gender is incredibly important, I would not try and explain the difference to my extremely "I stand with Phil" religious right family members.

Just use the words appropriately and teach by example.

JaymeeLH · July 2014

I tend to agree with PPs, dress your child the way you want. When they're old enough they will tell you what they do and don't want to wear. I think it's silly to say that everything in a child's life must be gender neutral in order for them to "choose" which gender they are comfortable with.

ColeyCannoli · July 2014

Manateearmz said:

Oh please. I didn't buy anything for DD that had ruffles or pink on it. I got a shit ton of pink at my baby shower but it wasn't my intent, because it's not my style. She is now 3 and if it isn't pink, purple and laced with enough glitter to make a unicorn sneeze she isn't wearing it....her choice. The idea that you can "influence" your child's gender based on clothing is a bunch of bullshit. It's like saying if you dress your son in pink he's going to become gay.

This exactly. Gender expression shows up pretty early. Your newborn won't understand/care what they are wearing and by the time they can really process what's around them - they will be showing preferences all by themselves. And it will change overtime. And remember that colors are just reflected light... not gendered by themselves. You can't create a girly girl by dressing her in pink anymore than you can force your girl to become a plant by dressing her in green.

Edit: One caveat here would be actually forcing gender stereotypes on your child. Not allowing your girl to play with toy cars if she wants to or forcing her into feminine things that she doesn't like could seriously hurt her self-esteem and mental health. Simply because it's never fair to force your child to be someone they are not.

agsgrrl · July 2014

This has gotten my wheels turning ... I don't think I've seen one picture of myself as a child in anything pink...even as a baby. And I had barbies, cabbage patch, dinosaurs ninja turtles.. (Among other 80s/90s gems) I don't remember any gender labels being put on anything for that matter...and my dolls were both Caucasian and African-American (that's all there was then) I'm going to have to tell my parents good job tomorrow...

shelly771 · July 2014

My daughter wore a mixture of her brother's old clothes and girlie outfits as a baby. Around 18 months she started demanding to wear skirts, tutus, and dresses. My 5 yr old son dresses in orange and dinosaurs but carries a wand and calls himself a candy cat princess fairy.

I think it's important to listen to your kids and let them be themselves.

Mrw218 · July 2014

Just tell ur aunt you are a freaking baby mind reader and know what ur kid wants to dress in. Then ask if she always gets this defensive when she doesn't like hearing simple corrections. She could have just smiled, nodded, and moved on. Or given the proverbial whatever meaning I don't give a rats ass in which case if I were you I'd let it go to keep the peace or not if you feel that strongly about it.

ebl2 · July 2014

I guess I can kind of see my husbands aunts point. Since gender is the range of characteristics pertaining to, and differentiating between, masculinity and femininity. I think what she was trying to say is what’s the point in correcting the word usage of “gender” when I will be dressing my child in pink on occasion. That’s what got me thinking, is it really that harmful to say the word “gender” when the child is so small than it would be to someone who is older and may have changed their “gender”? I’m new to the whole gender vs sex thing and would like clarification.

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