Baby Out Of Wedlock

SnowWhiteandBaby · July 2014

Mine and my baby's father both come from very traditional families and are pregnant out of wedlock. This is going to be very upsetting to a lot of people and I was wondering if anyone else has any advice if they had a similar situation or any ideas how to announce the pregnancy to them?

apolloslanding · July 2014

I think having a baby out of wedlock is totally fine. My brother and his girlfriend were planning on getting married in the next couple years when they realized they were expecting, so they told her conservative family by starting with my brother asking her father for permission to marry her, then, a week or so later, announcing their engagement with, 'Great news! We're engaged! ....... And we're having a baby!' It worked like a charm.

Even if you don't plan on getting engaged, when you go to tell them the news, do not act like it's bad news. Act excited, and brush off and ignore their skepticism or rudeness. Good luck!

tammynixx · July 2014

This is my second out of wedlock. That paper doesn't make that much of a difference. I hope they can get past that.

LinziLoo09 · July 2014

I agree with PPs as well. Tell them in an excited manner, not bracing for disappointment, because it IS good news. While there might be some backlash initially or some pressure to get married, just stand your ground patiently. If they aren't initially as excited as you are, I think they'll jump on board once they start seeing the u/s pics and the baby becomes more real to them. Congratulations

sandrabrooke · July 2014

Ha. I think its great to be married, but in my circle too many people get married young just so they can do things like have kids. (And then divorce too early because they were wrong for each other) I think you can be great parents and very loving without a piece of paper. Just be excited for your impending arrival and everyone else will be as well!

Valm999 · July 2014

Your level of commitment is not measured by a piece of paper. I'm in a common law relationship and we planned the pregnancy. When it was time to share the news with our families I was very nervous to tell my parents because they are a little old school when it comes to certain things. However, when we told my parents they were sooooo happy and excited about the pregnancy that they cried! They never mentioned marriage to us even once. We do want to get married eventually but it is not a priority. I can assure you that your families will be very excited about having a grandchild and won't fret the little insignificant things. Good luck

mommy5point0 · July 2014

I don't mean to be a downer in this thread but I felt compelled to share my story.

I was very very sheltered growing up. I fell for my XH at 18 and was pregnant within 1 year of our dating. My family was very traditional too--gasp Marissa was having sex outside of marriage AND she's pregnant? I married at 4 months PG thinking I was doing the right thing. I was 19...which was fkn stupid because nobody knows anything about anything at 19.

The marriage ended terribly, not before having 2 more children together. Everything in the divorce was ugly and I had an uphill battle in every sense afterward. I look back on my decision to marry due to pregnancy as a huge mistake.

You're probably older and a LOT wiser than I was then, so likely you chose a million times better than I did. But if I learned anything from MY experience, it's that marriage doesn't solidify anything, that thinking is outdated and impractical, PLENTY of men are awesome and committed unmarried dads, and you need not worry about what your family thinks. They may have their opinions but seriously, fuck them. Nobody has to live with your decisions the way YOU do, and you should enter into marriage on your own terms and your own timeframe.

christenld · July 2014

I am so happy you posted this @SnowWhiteandBaby because I was thinking of posing this same question! The responses have been so uplifting! I apologise for a long response too, not trying to hijack the thread!

My boyfriend and I do not live together, but we're 26 and 31 and we know we want to get married, just not yet. I've only been divorced a little over a year (no children from that, thank God), and he's at the tail-end of his divorce (with one child). Neither of us are in a hurry to marry again, though we're both smarter and wiser now than we were.

My parents are very conservative. No sex outside of marriage. No living together. I have been disowned by my parents twice (though it's been taken back each time) and it's not fun at all. Once when I told them I was getting married the first time, and again when I decided to move from Alabama to Colorado (where I am now). I am so happy about this pregnancy, though it's the worst possible timing, and I really want to tell them in a fun, creative way, cause this may be the only one I have! And this is definitely the only first I will have and I want to make it special.

I love the advice about going into it positively, without an attitude that they'll be displeased, because this is exactly what I have been thinking about doing. I'm going home to see everyone at the end of July, and I think I'm going to tell them in person there, though my boyfriend will not be with me. First I thought I should tell them beforehand, so that if they reacted poorly and didn't want to see me I could skip my trip or stay with my bestie, then I thought I should tell them afterwards so that I could have one last week with them before potentially being estranged from them. But now I'm feeling courageous and want to tell them in person, because it's so special.

Thanks everyone, this really made me feel much better and helped me to make up my mind about what I was going to do.

kursem · July 2014

I'm not going to blow smoke...It's not always the easiest telling people who are more 'traditional' or 'conservative' about this kind of thing....my Mom grew up a very strict Irish Catholic and she literally believed (until she was like 10) that you could not get pregnant if you were not married.

So fast forward to me, her daughter...I'm 29 at the time, had been with DH (we are married now but weren't then) for only a few months when we got pregnant. Her reaction? The first thing she said was 'Oh shit.' So yeah, that wasn't the most positive response and it was awkward for awhile....but she came around and loves our daughter fiercely!

I think, as long as you approach your families with respect (ie, tell them and then explain you understand their feelings/beliefs) you will be fine. They may not react the way you'd love to see, but it probably won't be as bad as you imagine it in your head.

Good luck - and congrats to both of you

Erze · July 2014

I don't know why this fucking matters in 2014. My family is traditional as well, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be crucified for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Marriage is an archaic and legally binding contract that was done, up until very recently, for monetary purposes... Ugh.

Mills0401 · July 2014

I got pregnant out of wedlock with my daughter. My father is more traditional however he and my mom got pregnant out of wedlock so they didn't have much room to talk. Your family may not be happy at first but once they see the baby they will love that child no mater what!!!

bhjones1980 · July 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Mills0401 said:

I got pregnant out of wedlock with my daughter. My father is more traditional however he and my mom got pregnant out of wedlock so they didn't have much room to talk. Your family may not be happy at first but once they see the baby they will love that child no mater what!!!

It's a cute story and a nice thing to wish for, but it is not true in many cases.

we can always count on you for a negative comment.

Mills0401 · July 2014

Family sticks together regardless of what happens. Sometimes your true family isn't the people who raised you or those who you are connected to by blood. True family is always there no matter what. Maybe your family will disown the both of you, maybe they will come around, maybe they will be over joyed. You were blesses with a child for a reason and your family will just have to accept it.

sandrabrooke · July 2014

I always think for the worst and hope for the best in cases like this.

Sometimes family isn't accepting. You just have to move on. Hopefully the OP has an accepting family, but if not, life goes on, in a different way.

PrimRoseMama · July 2014

WTF? This is not 1950 anymore!

As for advice on what you could say:

"Mom, Dad: I've been having sex & now I'm pregnant. We aren't married but that doesn't mean we don't care about one another. I understand you are going to be angry but this is not the baby's fault. I love you."

Coming from a traditional background expect some cold shoulders.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

JerseyHopeful · July 2014

I thought my boyfriends very traditional catholic parents were going to be horrible about the pregnancy and while I can't guarantee that they aren't pissed behind closed doors they had been very sweet and warm to our faces.

2goingon3 · July 2014

Stephanie2378 said:

mjreilly2 said:

bhjones1980 said:

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Mills0401 said:

I got pregnant out of wedlock with my daughter. My father is more traditional however he and my mom got pregnant out of wedlock so they didn't have much room to talk. Your family may not be happy at first but once they see the baby they will love that child no mater what!!!

It's a cute story and a nice thing to wish for, but it is not true in many cases.

we can always count on you for a negative comment.

A very true comment. You may not like it, but the fact is: not everyone is okay with children out of wedlock. You don't know how her family with react. Not everyone is going to "love the baby no matter what." 2014 or not, there are still many many people with older beliefs. They might not care. They might surprise the OP and be overjoyed. Or they might react how the OP "thinks" they will.

-------------------------------------------------
Your right. It could go either way however it's a GUARANTEE that WhoCanItBeNow will most DEFINATELY have something nasty to say about everything.

Just wait for it.......

WCIBN had a very down to earth response, and she's right. You can't make assumptions that "everyone will love baby" because it's just not true. If OP has concerns about her family's reaction, then it's more likely to go negatively than positively and they may very well resent baby when it comes along. We all hope that's not the case, and the advice here is simply to be honest and forward with the parents, and hope that they'll be accepting. You can't throw predictions out there about reactions.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Maebb · July 2014

Stephanie2378 said:

*snip*
-------------------------------------------------
Your right. It could go either way however it's a GUARANTEE that WhoCanItBeNow will most DEFINATELY have something nasty to say about everything.

Just wait for it.......

*You're
*Definitely

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Hopeful1222 · July 2014

My bf and I tried for a year before finally getting pregnant. Not married, no plans to be in the near future. Some older family members kinda grumbled about it but I just said what I was thinking. We've been together a long time, we wanted this. We are happy. A wedding won't change that. They will het over it and even if they don't, I'm 29, I can make my own decisions. Just stay strong and don't let people make you feel bad!

mommy5point0 · July 2014

@SnowWhiteandBaby‌ do you have an update? I wondered how this has gone for you.

EDWHIP · July 2014

My father was very sad when my sister announced she was pregnant (at age 41) because she wasn't married. Once the baby came, his preconceived notions were history. Once that bundle of joy arrives, people forget what was so bad.

MrsClintonHill · July 2014

They may be upset for a minute......but they will LOVE the heck out of that baby once he/she is born!

MrsClintonHill · July 2014

Hey @chrain, and?

thestalionette · August 2014

We're PG out of wedlock and were already engaged, so we are probably going to just go ahead and marry since we were going to anyhow. BUT that doesn't mean that's right for everyone!! My FI and I are both divorced with kids from our previous marriage, so it's a different situation than, say, a couple who hasn't "been there, done that" once before. We already know his parents are going to hit the effing ceiling - my parents literally think we're joking - but none of that is dictating what we want. Good luck!

cattledogmama · August 2014

My FI and I have been together 7 years - engaged exactly 1 week before getting our BFP. Our parents are absolutely thrilled however I have grandparents who are very traditional in the sense that you do not have a child (or really live together) until you are married. It will be a big surprise for them and I'm expecting them to be angry with me.

My point? I couldn't care less what they say. My FI and I are excited as are our parents who will be awesome grandparents to our little one. If you are happy then don't worry about what anyone else has to say. It's easier with a support system but you can and will survive no matter what.

Congrats on your BFP!

SnowWhiteandBaby · August 2014

Update: I announced it to the family and everyone handled the news pretty well. My dad was a little more difficult to tell but he took the news the best he could. Thank you all for your support! It was nice to see other people in the same position.

Want a personalized experience?

Baby Out Of Wedlock

Re: Baby Out Of Wedlock

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

Choose Another Board

Search Boards