Stay at home dad problems

raraavis28 · July 2014

iheartthe80s said:

Please, please stop using the word "chore". Unless you are an Ingalls....

YES! I KNEW it was you who hated the word "chores" (see UO thread)

)

Carry on.

rosesandpetals · July 2014

Mars*Bars said:

You are not going to get many sympathetic responses posting on a message board. Your audience spends a lot of time posting on here instead of keeping up with the laundry I agree the two of you need to communicate and re-evaluate your current schedules and workload. He should not be expected to do everything around the house, but he should not spend all of his time on his phone and in front of the TV. With how you explained it, I would be livid too. With one kid, you should have time to get a few things done. Sounds like a lot of mommy martyrs around here today are jumping all over you. Does your child ever nap?? I stay at home with 4 kids under 5. I want the time we DO spend together after husband's work and on weekends to be fun family time and not chore time, so I try to do what is reasonably possible during my time at home. I look at everything as a 50/50 split which means I DO set my alarm and get some stuff done and have a few minutes to myself before the chaos starts. Not that that is for everyone, but that is how my family survives. I also make sure I take an hour to myself in the afternoon while the kids are napping and in quiet time to read or do whatever I feel like doing that doesn't involve meal prep and laundry. After I get my baby down to bed for night, I take a walk or a run while my husband finishes up the bedtime routine. I also throw a load of laundry in first thing in the morning. Get it in the dryer sometime in the afternoon and fold during TV time at night. Yes, it gets behind, but he should be able to figure out how to keep SOME of the wheels turning.

Andrewsgal · July 2014

Mars*Bars said:

You are not going to get many sympathetic responses posting on a message board. Your audience spends a lot of time posting on here instead of keeping up with the laundry I agree the two of you need to communicate and re-evaluate your current schedules and workload. He should not be expected to do everything around the house, but he should not spend all of his time on his phone and in front of the TV. With how you explained it, I would be livid too. With one kid, you should have time to get a few things done. Sounds like a lot of mommy martyrs around here today are jumping all over you. Does your child ever nap?? I stay at home with 4 kids under 5. I want the time we DO spend together after husband's work and on weekends to be fun family time and not chore time, so I try to do what is reasonably possible during my time at home. I look at everything as a 50/50 split which means I DO set my alarm and get some stuff done and have a few minutes to myself before the chaos starts. Not that that is for everyone, but that is how my family survives. I also make sure I take an hour to myself in the afternoon while the kids are napping and in quiet time to read or do whatever I feel like doing that doesn't involve meal prep and laundry. After I get my baby down to bed for night, I take a walk or a run while my husband finishes up the bedtime routine. I also throw a load of laundry in first thing in the morning. Get it in the dryer sometime in the afternoon and fold during TV time at night. Yes, it gets behind, but he should be able to figure out how to keep SOME of the wheels turning.

you have got to be shitting me with this crap. I have yet to master nursing and bending down to get shit out of the washer if you have please let me know. I have however mastered nursing and bumping because well it's easy.

raraavis28 · July 2014

diapersnwipes said:

We need a s/o thread. I need to list all the ways I'm lazy.

Doooo it! I'll start w/ the fact that I'm supposed to be working right now, but am reading this shitshow instead....oh, and I "sleep in" until the boys wake up at 6:30 or 7....and sometimes *gasp* DH actually gets them out of bed first

rachie1019 · July 2014

rosesandpetals said:

Mars*Bars said:

You are not going to get many sympathetic responses posting on a message board. Your audience spends a lot of time posting on here instead of keeping up with the laundry

I agree the two of you need to communicate and re-evaluate your current schedules and workload. He should not be expected to do everything around the house, but he should not spend all of his time on his phone and in front of the TV.

With how you explained it, I would be livid too. With one kid, you should have time to get a few things done. Sounds like a lot of mommy martyrs around here today are jumping all over you. Does your child ever nap??

I stay at home with 4 kids under 5. I want the time we DO spend together after husband's work and on weekends to be fun family time and not chore time, so I try to do what is reasonably possible during my time at home. I look at everything as a 50/50 split which means I DO set my alarm and get some stuff done and have a few minutes to myself before the chaos starts. Not that that is for everyone, but that is how my family survives. I also make sure I take an hour to myself in the afternoon while the kids are napping and in quiet time to read or do whatever I feel like doing that doesn't involve meal prep and laundry. After I get my baby down to bed for night, I take a walk or a run while my husband finishes up the bedtime routine. I also throw a load of laundry in first thing in the morning. Get it in the dryer sometime in the afternoon and fold during TV time at night. Yes, it gets behind, but he should be able to figure out how to keep SOME of the wheels turning.

Hahaha no shit!! WTH is up with all of these new randos lately just jumping right in but being offensive and aggresive as hell?

rachie1019 · July 2014

scatteredtrees said:

lexusolsen said:

Cj- I creepy internet heart you, but I disagree. She said so herself, she's jealous and doesn't think he is doing enough compared to everything she is doing for him. At the very least, they have completely different ideas for a SAHP.

I really think it all boils down to this.

Reversing the "traditional" roles is hard, I don't care how progressive or forward thinking you are. I'm generalizing here so please unclench and put down the torches but- There is something ingrained in (most) men to want to provide, and if a wife is earning the money and then complaining about the way he is running the house, it probably makes him feel pretty small.

It just sounds like one partner (OP) is very type A and aggressive while one partner (her H) is more laid back and maybe not as motivated.

Outside looking in- I think you both need to be working until you can arrange to be the SAHP.

100% this!!

thechickencoop · July 2014

syang5 said:

wesleycrusher said:

syang5 said:

They are home almost everyday and I have asked him to join me for lunch, take DS out for walks or to the park, but DH's usual response is that it DS was being too fussy that day or he just didn't have enough time, which I totally understand, but when that's the response everyday it makes me wonder.

We've discussed this, but for the same reasons (baby is fussy/couldn't get ready in time) he's never been able to go and yes I have gotten frustrated but this is after 4, 6, 8 weeks.

I guess after hearing everyone's opinions we are still adjusting, and will need to come up with a plan that makes us both happy.

Does he ever leave the house with the baby? Are you saying week after week he has excuses why he can't leave the house?

Staying home is hard, and I do think it's difficult to understand how if you haven't done it. Even still sometimes my DH will make a comment and I think he doesn't *really* get it. So I can see that coming into play here, but at the same time, I don't think it's too much to ask for him to run an errand or two during the week. Maybe we go on Wednesday instead of Tuesday if we have a bad day, but during the course of the week it gets done.

He does go out every now and then but I would say 90% of the time they are home. This is our first so I know he's also nervous going out on his own.

Holy hell, he needs.to.get.out.of.the.house!!!!! There's gotta be something else going on here - depression, anxiety, something. I consider myself a homebody but I have always made a point to get out like 4 out of 5 days during the week.

He can try the library - they have free story times, no one cares if he's in pajamas. Or even just take a walk. He seriously needs to get out.

Andrewsgal · July 2014

I think we all agreed it should be shared but that is not alway easy to do when your kids are home, but once he is home and we are working as a team then hell yes we are both on.

zbeesma86 · July 2014

Roses wins the internet for life with that gif!!!!

rosesandpetals · July 2014

Cj, I think you're reading more into it than she meant. Gwapes is also having to move out of her house and to a completely different state with less than a months notice because her dh's work closed (which she has talked about on here). Of everyone on here, I'm sure she knows how hard and scary your situation is. I really think she was just pointing out that you said "that would never happen" when obviously everyone fights, everyone has argued about cleaning schedules. this whole thing has blown up. It can be hard to tell what someone meant over the internet.

rosesandpetals · July 2014

diapersnwipes said:

I feel like it was pretty obvious cj was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was getting told she was wrong from all sides (including me). It felt unnecessary for gwapes to come in and throw that post in cj's face.

I think it just goes back to what someone said about absolutes on here. Saying "this never happens" starts a lot of unnecessary arguments and people get defensive. I'm sure gwapes was more trying to say "never say never" than taking a dig at cj. They're in similar situations, after all.

rosesandpetals · July 2014

I'm sure you didn't mean "we never argue" but what you said was "it would never come to me calling him.lazy because we both always contribute". So it came across wrong, okay nbd. But I also think what gwapes said came across wrong.

jlpev · July 2014

spring_time said:
I am going to be the voice of dissent. When you came up with the list of chores, did you do it together or did you come with the list and he just agreed to it? Sometimes I think that DH and I come up with a list together, and later realize that is really just me coming up with the list and him not arguing with me. My DH detests when I come up with lists for him, he hates it more when it is for an event that he feels is unnecessary or that I am making too important. Revisit your list with him and make sure it is truly a joint effort.

You should also look at the list again with the new reality of the baby. It is easy to come up with a list of all the things you will do once the baby is here, but once that baby comes, the list becomes daunting.

As for him not completing his chores on the list, I do not think you are out of line for calling him on it (as long as it was agreed upon). DH and I frequently call each other out for not holding up our end. We will usually let it go for a little bit, everyone needs a break, but when it becomes a habit, we will call each other out. It just happened recently when DH called me out for not keeping up with the housework. I got angry with him. However, I was more angry with the fact that I knew I was not keeping up with my end and was frittering away my free time on TV and internet. The reminder got me back on track, and I would do the same to him. I do not think it is wrong to redirect when one of you wanders off course. Again, as long as the course is dually agreed upon.

ETA: Also, look at what needs to be done for the party and prioritize. Is it going to be something someone is going to notice. If not, take it off the list. Some people are very intense party planners, I am one of them. Parties are the time when DH and I argue the most. I have a list of things that need to be done in my head, and he just figures people show up and you give them food. I have learned to adjust my own priorities and expectations. I have also learned to outsource. That can mean ordering food rather than making all the food myself (people really don't care as long as they eat), or recruiting family members to help. Find a way to make this party easier on you.

This & good luck!!

notkateanymore · July 2014

gwapes said:

I didn't mean to throw it in your face CJ, and I'm sorry it upset you, but lezbehonest here, how can you say "It never gets to that point" when you were just venting that it got to that point?

Well you won the complete bitch award yesterday I see. Congrats.

Want a personalized experience?

Stay at home dad problems

Re: Stay at home dad problems

Choose Another Board

Search Boards