I have the sads.

wifeofadam · July 2014

Our old sitter was with us for over five years. She was a good family friend and like a second mother to my children. She was consistently at my house, helping me raise my kids in my absence, 2-3 days a week for years.

She finally graduated with her nursing degree last year and was also pregnant with her second child, so it was time for her to move on. We left on great terms, with everyone feeling like it was time. Things got busy in December with the holidays and we didn't see her at all. Then my kids were sick a lot in January, and she was very pregnant, so we didn't see her. Then she gave birth in February and I didn't want my kids around her newborn for a while, so I brought her family meals a handful of times and called her on the phone weekly to see if she needed anything. The kids never saw her through this, but I was in constant contact with her. The last time we had any contact was a thank you note in the mail a few months after the baby to let me know how much she appreciated all the help.

Around that time we got a new sitter and life got busy with the move. It just hit me today that my kids haven't seen her in like seven months. They rarely talk about her and don't seem to miss her, but I still think it's odd that someone who played such an important role in their lives for so long hasn't reached out to see them at all. I know she is busy with her new nursing job and a new baby, but her parents live very close to us, so I guess I figured at some point she would call and stop by just to see how they are doing.

I guess I'm just sad that someone who told me that she loved my kids like her own for years has dropped off the face of the earth and forgotten about them. It makes me skeptical even of my new sitter, like that she simply views it as a job and when she says how much she enjoys my kids, she doesn't really mean it.

Would you guys be sad or do you think this the way it normally plays out?

SummerLove21 · July 2014

I would err on the side of normal. When life changes, I think it is hard for most to maintain aspects of their "old" life. When all of my friends got married, I remember being so pissed because none of us ever hung out anymore, even though we were all still in college in the same small town and lived so close to each other. Then I got married and did the same thing to my single friends, despite really trying not to, while at the same time reconnecting with my married friends. It was just easier for some reason.

I wouldn't doubt that she loved your kids and probably still does. But you had already worked her into the life you have, so it was easier for you to keep contact and stay involved, whereas your family was part of a different "life" of hers (one child/nursing school vs. two children/full time nurse/lives farther away). Does that make any sense?

It is a bummer she hasn't reached out at least once, but I would guess she is probably overwhelmed somewhat by all the major changes in her life.

kleigh926 · July 2014

I think you're overthinking it. Like you said, I'm sure she's very busy with a new job and a new baby. Life makes it hard to keep in regular contact with people that you don't already see in other settings (work, church, etc.). I might be a little bummed out if I were you, but I definitely don't think it means that she never cared about your kids like she said.

Poppy523 · July 2014

I definitely think normal. I worked at a daycare for a while and I had some kids for years and became so attached that I genuinely loved them. But then I went to law school, got married and had a baby and life just took me on my own path dealing with babysitters for my kids and life as a wife and mom. It's just the chaos of our world that unfortunately makes us lose that connection sometimes, but it doesn't take way from how I felt about those kids. I'm sure they don't remember me now and I don't reach out to them because they have their own busy life

wifeofadam · July 2014

I feel like our relationship crossed the professional line. I mean, I was present at the birth of her first child. We were very, very close. Our families would hang out together outside of normal "work" time.

But I think you're right @expatmama perhaps I need to make the effort if I want to have contact.

tamarar5 · July 2014

I would be sad, but at the same time, I can completely understand how busy she is. Plus, as you've said, your family has been combatting all sorts of illnesses for months! Its possible she's just concerned about keeping her own children healthy-- as well as being overrun by her family and a new job.

I think if you want to maintain the relationship between your children and her, then reach out. Plan a playdate. Reach out to her as one mom to another. She's not your employee, she's your friend-- and a very close one at that! Send her a card, or an email to let her know you are thinking about her, and would love to get together.

FWIW, my best friend and I met when we were 15-- meaning that we have know each other for more than half our lives. She currently lives in AZ. I haven't seen her physically in four years. I've never met her new wife or her five step-children. We go weeks, sometimes months, without talking on the phone. But she is still my best friend. She will always be my best friend. If I really need her, I know she will be there, if not physically, at least in spirit. I can leave her a message saying a need to talk and she will call as soon as she is able. She is also the biggest scatterbrain I have met. She will go months on end forgetting to call her own mother, so I know if I want to talk to her, I have to reach out and tell her. She doesn't get those subtle hints like, a missed phone call means I want her to call back.

So its entirely possible that your friendship with your former sitter has just hit a lull. It's not over, you are just comfortable with each other's presence and know that the other is there. Tell her how much you have been missing her friendship and you would like to get together.

:-*

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