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May 2012 Moms
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Be honest, am I the crazy one here?

littleredfishlittleredfish member
in May 2012 Moms

So some of you know I recently had the chance to clean out my house and it was wonderful. I cleared out so much junk and now my house just feel lighter. However, from this experience, I had the most awkward interaction with my ILs ever in the 6 years DH and I have been together. This is a long story, but our board is quiet, so great your popcorn ready for this one.

So some back story. ILs went overseas for a year during the time I was pregnant with DD. They brought back a TON of souvenirs from everywhere they went for DH, DD and myself. Some keychains, shirts, knick-knacks, shoes and mittens for DD, just a whole bunch of stuff. The clothes they got for DD are NMS because they are more ornamental and not practical for a child in any way, but I accepted them graciously when they were given and they have since all been packed away in boxes so as not to be ruined or lost. Knick-nacks they gave us that can be displayed are out, shirts have been worn, but some things like keychains and some extras have been also boxed away because A) neither of us use these things B) don't like clutter and again C) didn't want them lost of destroyed considering where they came from.

So jump to this past Saturday, I was cleaning out cupboards and some stuff was ditched, some sold and some put out the road for free pick up. BIL and FIL were over helping DH put new shingles on the roof, I was the only one cleaning. BIL and FIL left Sunday. MIL didn't come because they couldn't find a sitter for their 2 large dogs.

Sunday night MIL sends a really catty message to DH along the lines of (not really quoting here cause I don't remember exactly) "Next time you want to get rid of gifts, make sure the gift giver isn't right there. You can return to us X,Y, Z since these particular items cannot be replaced". DH asked me what this was about, and I had NO idea, like ZERO. He writes back asking wft she's talking about, and she says FIL saw a chopstick set I put out for free pick up and brought it home because he recognized it as a souvenir from them and she was insulted we were giving it away. I wrote back to her myself saying something along the lines of "DH was in NO way involved with this clean out so this is all my fault, and I did not recognize the item at all. All of the other souvenirs are put away and I have no idea how it got in that cupboard which had stuff like half used notebook, my old dogs glucosamine pills, just a junk cupboard we hadn't opened in like 6 months so I figured it was ALL useless. Had I known it was a gift of course I would not have done that, as A) we have safely put away all of the other items and B) I'm not so rude as to give away a gift from them blatantly in front of FILs face even if I was that bold." I apologized profusely and told her it was a totally misunderstanding, we just have accumulated so much STUFF in all our moves because with DH being military they pack up the whole house when you leave so if anybody previously left anything behind, it comes along with us. She calms down (so I thought) tells me she appreciates the apology and wasn't really mad, just sad that we would give away a gift from them when it's so irreplaceable. Which I understood and felt so badly about.

Jump to yesterday, she messages DH with a detailed list of souvenirs she gave DD that she wants returned which she says "will be passed along or possible returned when you have your next LO". EXCUSE ME?? This made me so angry for the following reasons;

A) Don't tell me everything is fine, "forgive me", and make joking small talk when you are clearly NOT fine.
B) The souvenir in question was one you gave me and DH, but the things you want back were gifts for DD and only 3 of the dozen or so things you gave us.

My thinking is this. We are not children who need things taken from us just to be returned at such a time as you feel we deserve them back because I will NOT accept them a 2nd time. Taking gifts back from a child to "punish" us is SO WEIRD and wrong in my book. If you want things back because you weirdly don't trust us now, why not take it all back because it's ALL irreplaceable unless you plan to go to the same places again. Am I the one out in left field here?

I'm also sad that FIL thought he had to sneak things off and not just see it and bring it in asking if we really meant to give it away and if so could he just take it home so they could have it or re-gift it. No need to sneak it off. I also think MIL is being SUPER passive aggressive (which grinds my gears) and catty, where she could just accept my apology or not, but say it to my face. I'm so tempted to take her road and box up everything from her and give it ALL back and let her know we will not be accepting these things again in the future. Also this behaviour is not odd for her, she's just never shown it to ME, but I'm not sure why I'm so surprised.

Congrats if you've made it this far. I just feel bad for DH because he's dealt with this a lot in the past. This kind of passive aggressive behavior is why they didn't speak for several years (they only reconciled about  a year before we got together). He's just so shut off from it, meanwhile I am just very up front and want to talk it out like grown ups are supposed to, but it's his family so I feel like it's not really my place to be the ice breaker on hashing this out. Be honest and let me know if I'm the rude one here just not seeing how she's able to justify her actions. Otherwise, how would you deal? Just give her back what she wants and let it go? Then I wonder how to deal if she tries to give it to us again in the future.

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Re: Be honest, am I the crazy one here?

  • ELF4321ELF4321 member
    edited July 2014
    It sounds like you made an honest mistake, apologized profusely, and there's not much else you can do to improve the situation. It's unfortunate that your IL's have chosen to be so childish and petulant about it. I think you and YH need to have a conversation about how to deal with this, and obviously some deference should be given to his opinion since it's his family. The easiest thing is probably to just give it all to them and hope they never give it back (since it sounds like a bunch of stuff ylu don't need anyway). But, without knowing them, it's hard to say if that would just empower them to think they can act this way all the time (sounds like that ship may have sailed though). Good luck.


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  • MelissaMisoMelissaMiso member
    Clearly her behavior is passive aggressive and she is also putting your husband in a awkward position. A gift is a gift. What a person chooses to do with a gift is up to the recipient. Even if you did choose to get rid of the item intentionally, that would be your choice. If it were me, I'd box everything requested up but sit down with her and DH and discuss the whole situation rationally. If she still chooses to "Indian give" (I know, not a politically correct expression, but the meaning is appropriate) then she is really showing her true colors. She seems to be acting immature and spiteful. It's a reflection on her not you. You're not crazy. Let us know how this turns out.

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  • GromMomGromMom member
    clearly she is the one who is bsc, a gift is a gift, you could have thrown it in the garbage...if she expected you to keep them as heirlooms, she's mistaken.  Also if it's a chopstick holder, I'm guessing it's probably some crappy knick knack that she got in the streets of china, this is more about control than the chopstick holder.  I think you're in the clear.
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  • mrsshawnavanbmrsshawnavanb member
    I agree with everyone else. This situation is crazy and your MIL needs to get a grip in my opinion and act like the adult that she is. That said, I don't see anything you've done wrong. You made an honest mistake and she WAY over-reacted. I feel the same as you that if the items do go back, I would want to make it clear that they will not be accepted again as that's just odd. But, I also agree with ELF that YH needs to be a big part of any decision as to how to handle this, since it is his family. Isn't family drama fun?! lol. Sorry you're dealing with this. Def keep us posted.
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  • littleredfishlittleredfish member
    It's so exhausting. She's also been continuing to carry on in normal conversation, posting funny videos and pictures on my FB wall like normal. Does she assume DH wouldn't tell me about the email she went him the next day? If so her and FIL have a weird relationship if that's how she thinks this works. 
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  • najzomaxnajzomax member
    I agree with the others, she is completely in the wrong. Once you give a gift you have no say in what happens to it unless you state that in the beginning. An example would be when I "gave" my neighbour our exersaucer and asked that she give it back when she is done. Outside of that kind of situation once its given it to you, it's yours to do what you want with it. 

    I too have super passive aggressive in laws so I know exactly how frustrating this kind of situation is. For me, if my DH was ok with it, I would give them back their stuff and tell them in the future this behaviour will not be so kindly received. 

    Unless it was great agnes' antique something or other they had no right to flip out, at all!

    Bat crap crazy!
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