Second hand smoke. please help!

makaelashook2 · July 2014

I do not smoke. Never have. Recently, a nurse and I were discussing smoking around pregos and babies. For me, it's a big No No. She informed me that second hand smoke is on clothing of people who smoke. It can cause lung problems, heart problems, a higher risk of SIDs and low birth weight etc, as we all know. Well, my husband's grandma is a huge smoker. As in, smelling like an ashtray horribly, all the time. She's even tried smoking in the car when I'm around and people have to
Tell her not too. (She's 56) I'm usually good at putting my foot down, but I've already had so many problems with her, I need advice on how to tell her that she needs to change clothes before coming to see our baby.
Many nurses have said for all smokers coming to see my child to have a change of clothes that do not smell, wash hands etc.
Keep in mind, his grandma is a very selfish person. She has no concern for other people's health, and thinks I do not want her around my child ever, because she's a smoker.

Nichole8787 · July 2014

if she is that heavu of a smoker she probably smokes in her house right? if that is the case It's probably on all of her clothes.....and her hair I'd have dh talk to her. Good luck

LucilleAustero · July 2014

My FIL smokes cigars non-stop. We simply told him that he would have to shower, brush his teeth and wear clean clothes if he wanted to see the baby. No minced words. No bargaining. Our kid, our call. He fell in line.

GinnyJ2012 · July 2014

Wow that's seriously young to have great grandchildren! OP did you mean your husbands mom so your baby's grandmother?

caballablanca · July 2014

My parents smoke, my mom will wash her hands and smoke outside so she doesn't reek of it. My dad on the other hand doesn't care so much. He doesn't care to hold the baby when they are that little anyways, but he would smoke outside and stand next to DD. We would yell at him and tell him to move his stinky cigarette away. Tell them why its bad. I've told him that's how kids get asthma and allergies. You could send some reports about the threats of 3rd hand smoke and how it affects the kid, but im sure your grandmother already knows this even though she is being stubborn about it. I've also suggested those e-cigarettes to my dad. That way if he is so gun-ho to kill his lungs, the rest of us don't have to smell him.

If none of that works, then no holding baby. Make it clear.

makaelashook2 · July 2014

GinnyJ2012 said:
Wow that's seriously young to have great grandchildren! OP did you mean your husbands mom so your baby's grandmother?

My husband's grandma. I'm twenty and my husband is twenty one. My husband's mother is only 38.

makaelashook2 · July 2014

RedheadBaker said:

Nicb13 said:

Idani said:

My thought process is I must be stinking old if you guys have a GRANDMOTHER that is only 56.

No shit! I'm thinking OP is really young based off the level of overreacting that I am seeing and the fact that they have a grandmother that is 10 years younger than my MOTHER!

It's overreacting to want a heavy smoker to change clothes before holding a newborn baby?

Oh.

I don't see how I'm overreacting. Just because I'm twenty years old, has nothing to do with the fact. I know the affects smoking has on people. My grand father is dying of lung cancer because of smoking and my mother, who was has exposed to his second hand smoke as a child has extremely bad asthma.
Call it what you want.

conradraging · July 2014

If you feel that strongly about it then just talk to her. She's a grown woman. You don't need ideas and advice , you just politely make your point that you don't want your infant around cigarette smoke for health reasons, and that's that. I don't know why this isn't common sense.

makaelashook2 · July 2014

It's such a shame how people react to someone wanting advice. I've made it clear with her several times, fyi for one.For two, I've never once said she didn't deserve to be around my child. But since I'm a "young" mother, it makes it inappropriate to ask for advice. Cool.

conradraging · July 2014

makaelashook2 said:
It's such a shame how people react to someone wanting advice. I've made it clear with her several times, fyi for one.For two, I've never once said she didn't deserve to be around my child. But since I'm a "young" mother, it makes it inappropriate to ask for advice. Cool.

Fwiw, I didn't make any reference to you being young. I said she's a grown woman. And if you've already made it clear, what was her response? "No, I refuse to change my clothes." ?? If that's the case, and it's this important to you then hey no baby holding for Grammy. Done. But otherwise I do think this is a little dramatic. All you need to do is set your boundaries. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with your reasoning or attacking your age. If this is not the answer you wanted, sorry but I'm not sorry.

GinnyJ2012 · July 2014

makaelashook2 said:

GinnyJ2012 said:
Wow that's seriously young to have great grandchildren! OP did you mean your husbands mom so your baby's grandmother?

My husband's grandma. I'm twenty and my husband is twenty one. My husband's mother is only 38.

I was doing some really bad math in my head! Regardless of age, make the rules you are comfortable with and stick to them. My grandmother was a smoker and would wear a clean button up shirt to hold a baby. She passed away before DS1 was born, so we didn't have to have this talk with her. Though if she smokes in her house then all her clothes are going to smell of smoke.

Ceridwen21 · July 2014

DH's aunt is a heavy smoker. We don't see her very often (5-6 times per year?). She voluntarily offered to not smoke around DS, and we told her that we appreciated that. I would never ask her to change clothes or wash her hands/hair before holding DS or DD though. Honestly, such limited 3rd hand exposure will not hurt your child.

If she was your regular babysitter then that's an issue, but an occasional cuddle with a smoker (who is not actively smoking) is no big deal, IMHO.

WashingtonQueen · July 2014

OP, you are not overreacting to the situation. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is very dangerous.
That being said, don't play games. Make it simple and just flat out tell her she needs clean clothes and washed hands. She will react however she wants to, she'll either comply or throw a fit but that's on her.

baloneydisc · July 2014

My parents both smoke at home. We were concerned about second & third hand smoke, so when we started TTC we let them know I would not be at their home once I got pregnant and I would not be bringing DD over, though they were welcome to visit us any time. My dad isn't a big fan of babies (he loves to play with DD now that she's a little older), so he didn't really care. My mom said she totally understood our decision and told me she would,be done the same when me and my brother were born. All you can do is tell her your decision and stand firm if she refuses.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

I would set a general rule that EVERYONE, smoker or not, has to wash their hands before they hold the baby.

I would also say that all smokers have to change into a clean shirt or we will provide a clean towel / blanket to drape over themselves.

As far as clean hair and brushing their teeth, I would ask your pedi about that. If they say that is best for the baby, then all smokers will simply have to brush their teeth and clean their hair or wear a hairnet.

However, when you talk to his grandma, I would emphasize that you have the same rules for everyone / all smokers because this is what your pedi recommended. Be polite, be nice but also be blunt and firm. No yelling and no name calling needs to happen. These are your rules and you are looking out for your baby's health and well being. If they are interested in learning more about the effects of third hand smoke on newborns, then you will happily provide it to them. If his grandma throws a fit, then you say " I can see you are upset, we will talk again when you are feeling better."

makaelashook2 · July 2014

WashingtonQueen said:
OP, you are not overreacting to the situation. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is very dangerous.
That being said, don't play games. Make it simple and just flat out tell her she needs clean clothes and washed hands. She will react however she wants to, she'll either comply or throw a fit but that's on her.

Thank you.

allrightmeow · July 2014

WashingtonQueen said:

OP, you are not overreacting to the situation. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is very dangerous. That being said, don't play games. Make it simple and just flat out tell her she needs clean clothes and washed hands. She will react however she wants to, she'll either comply or throw a fit but that's on her.

All of this. I have spent 10 minutes in the home of a heavy smoker and came out of there smelling like the floor in a truck stop. I could literally see a film of nasty covering every single surface in there. No fucking way would I ever let my baby be held by someone who smokes so heavy unless they cleaned up first.

maybebride · July 2014

OP is not really overreacting. I thought the 3rd hand smoke was a crazy thing to be worried about when I first read about it when I was pregnant. But, after doing some reading and sending the information to my husband, we made the decision to tell MIL and SIL that our son would not be going to their house and that they would need to change clothes or use a blanket over their clothes in order to hold DS. We both feel VERY strongly about smoking (when MIL lit up in the same room as me when I was pregnant, DH told her to either take it in the other room or we were leaving right then - in her house). SIL got new clothes and did not smoke the entire day before coming to visit at the hospital. MIL happily used a blanket and had changed her shirt before leaving her house when she came to see us at home. I know MIL was a bit upset by our rule, but our child's health was more important than that.

OP, this is something you and your husband will have to AGREE on and stick TOGETHER about. I will say that once DS was 4 months old, we relaxed the rule on not going to her house (we never stay long anyway), but the rule about no smoking in the house while we are there stands.

makaelashook2 · July 2014

cko521 said:
Is your husband on board with this? If so, can he talk to her? She might take it better coming from her grandson. He can just express your wishes, them he can help make sure they are followed.

He definitely understands where I'm coming from. And we've both tried to confront her nicely, but she just blows her fuse. I'm usually good at not needing to get advice, but this woman won't take no for an answer.

allrightmeow · July 2014

makaelashook2 said:

Is your husband on board with this? If so, can he talk to her? She might take it better coming from her grandson. He can just express your wishes, them he can help make sure they are followed.
He definitely understands where I'm coming from. And we've both tried to confront her nicely, but she just blows her fuse. I'm usually good at not needing to get advice, but this woman won't take no for an answer.

Your baby your choice. She is going to have to take your no and get over herself or miss out on spending time with her grandbaby. My DH is training to be a nurse so we are fully aware of the danger. This is not something we would bend on because science & healthy & shiz.

Baby's well being > relatives & their hurt feelings

MrsLaLaBug · July 2014

Nobo

makaelashook2 said:
It's such a shame how people react to someone wanting advice. I've made it clear with her several times, fyi for one.For two, I've never once said she didn't deserve to be around my child. But since I'm a "young" mother, it makes it inappropriate to ask for advice. Cool.

Ummm.. Nobody said a thing about you being a "young mother"... Calm down. It's YOUR kid, so either you or your husband flat out tell her what's up. Done. It's should not be that hard for a grown ass woman to understand. And if she doesn't agree to it, no baby time. Take a guess how fast she will change her tune if you two are serious and stick to your guns.

mermaid1113 · July 2014

I have previously been around my friends newborns/infants and at that time I was a smoker (yep nasty habit). Anyway, they didn't even have to ask me to make sure I didnt smoke/smell like smoke. I made it a point to be clean and not smoke prior to seeing the babies. It is a general courtesy.

You said you have put your foot down already and she is still resisting- the only thing to do is wait until the situation of her holding your LO arises and handle it right then and there. Motherhood can be about making unpopular decisions, but you have to do what is right for you and your baby.

YogaSandy · July 2014

FWIW, I deft don't think you're over reacting. I won't let LO go to houses of smokers (if they smoke inside) or be held by people who were smoking.

I didn't realize third hand smoke had a name until our prenatal classes. I have horrible horrible allergies to anything green outside, dogs, and smoke. I have known for years that I, as an adult, cannot be around people who smell like smoke, even if they're not smoking right then, because my allergies act up. No way would I subject a child to that - esp considering a lot of allergies are hereditary (nm cancer and other health risks).

DH and I are on the same page about it, but it really helps that we don't really have anyone in our lives who are more than just the occasional smokers (and they wouldn't hold or hang out with LO if they had).

GL

YogaSandy · July 2014

Double post:

I, however, was always a people pleaser when I was younger and never stood up for myself. After I got my allergy testing done, I told my mom that if my uncle (chain smoker) came over to my parents' house (I was home from university at the time ) for Christmas, he would have to smoke outside due to my allergies. My mom has a real soft spot for my uncle and will never tell him no, so I flat out told him (politely) that he would have to smoke outside because of my allergies and I didn't want to get sick over it. I was worried because I knew my mom wasn't on the same page (dad was however - not that I had any intention of playing them off each other and starting a fight). It was fine. He respected my request and kinda smoked outside. It was -40' temperature, so he smoked out the window. I was fine with that compromise.

Tl;dr it's not relevant to your situation bc grandma is not agreeing, but often when you stand up for your beliefs / health (or LO's) people will respect your wishes more easily than you thought.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Cat&S · July 2014

Not overreacting.

How often is grandma going to see baby? If it's once or twice a month for no more than an hour or two at a time, I would make sure she comes to your house, doesn't smoke in the house or around baby, and you have a clean shirt for her to change into while she's there.

If it's more often than that, prepare for battle. But I'd stick to your guns. No baby time until you're comfortable with the situation. I bet she changes her tune.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

JuliaB317 · July 2014

OP, you're not overreacting. I've seen people die young from second hand smoke. But like a lot of people said, the only real (and tough) solution is to be firm, even if she flips a lid. It sounds like she'll lose it, but tell her it's black and white. She listens, or she doesn't (in which case there are consequences). To me, it doesn't seem like it would be a big deal to shower and wear washed clothes to see a great grandbaby. It would definitely be worth the sacrifice of an hour without cigarettes. Selfish people, however, sometimes let pride trump family.
My MIL is selfish and opinionate. I make sure my husband is really firm with her. Since it's his mother, I want the rules to come from him. I deal with my own mother's "moments". Make sure he stands up for YOU and the rules you've set as a couple.

AMcLaws · July 2014

I personally have bad lungs, partially because of second hand smoke. My dad and grandmother smoked around me constantly as I was growing up. My grandmother could clear a carton a day, and she lived with us. I get sick VERY easily (bronchitis and such). Every little cold books it straight for my lungs. So in the interest of keeping my children safe, i would insist upon clean clothes, no smoking prior to visiting baby, etc.

Fortunately, my dad quit smoking when I was 13. No one else around me smokes, so it's not a battle I have to fight.

makaelashook2 · July 2014

Cat&S said:
Not overreacting.

How often is grandma going to see baby? If it's once or twice a month for no more than an hour or two at a time, I would make sure she comes to your house, doesn't smoke in the house or around baby, and you have a clean shirt for her to change into while she's there.

If it's more often than that, prepare for battle. But I'd stick to your guns. No baby time until you're comfortable with the situation. I bet she changes her tune.

She wants a lot to do with my child. I have no problem with her being around, but she's very opinionated about how we'll be raising our child, and thinks she'll run where my child goes and who it'll be around.

Want a personalized experience?

Second hand smoke. please help!

Re: Second hand smoke. please help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards