- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
3rd Trimester
mfsunshine222
member
Mother-in-law visit
mfsunshine222
member
I know there are a lot of "In-Law's Coming to Stay" posts, but my situation is a little different and I'm really stressing and need some advice/scolding/knowledge. Sorry in advance for the length.
My husband is Portuguese and a majority of his family still lives in Portugal, including his mother. He is an only child and of course his mother is EXTREEMLY excited to come visit her first grandchild, and I am excited for her! In anticipation of her visit I tried to set up boundaries very early on in the pregnancy. Despite my job offering very limited maternity leave benefits, we have been saving and I am really going to try to take a full 12 weeks to stay home with the baby. I told my husband I wanted those 12 weeks to myself, and would appreciate it if his mother would wait to come visit until after I went back to work. If she were able to HELP around the house it would be one thing, but it is simply stressful when she comes to visit... #1 My MIL does not speak English (and I don't speak Portuguese) #2 She is not in the best of health #3 She does not drive so we are responsible for taking her everywhere (including her daily grocery shopping trips because she doesn't understand the concept of supermarkets and refrigeration) #4 It is expensive to fly over here so when she comes to stay it is for at least 6 weeks at a time #5 she is kind of a slob, #6 she has a tendency to be a matriarch and try to take over my house (I can only imagine what she will be like with the baby). I told my husband to tell his mother to wait until I go back to work to come visit (around Thanksgiving), and even told him to pose it that she would actually be helpful at that point in time because she could help my mother watch our son while my husband and I worked, and she could stay through Christmas. He says he told her this, and she was thinking it over and was not even sure she would be able to afford a plane ticket at all.
Last night my MIL called and told my husband that his cousin offered to help her pay for the plane ticket over here, and she would like to come for his other cousin's wedding at the end of October approximately 8 weeks after the birth! My husband does not understand why I am pissed and being "so unreasonable" and really don't want her here until I go back to work. He said she is already hurt that I won't let her come earlier (she would really like to come 4 weeks after the birth), and does not want to explain to his mother that I want my time with the baby. My husband wants his mother here, and believes she will be a help taking care of the baby. Before you all say it...YES my husband loses his balls when it comes to his mom.
This is completely stressing me out, I don't want "help with the baby"! From all the posts I have read on here it sounds like I will be very appreciative of any help family members provide around the house and cooking meals during the first couple of months with a newborn, but typically new mothers tend to be possessive about the care of their newborn. I don't want her butting in and either trying to tell me (show me) how to take care of baby, or simply imposing herself on any semblance of a routine or bonding time that I am trying to establish with my son. I did not sleep last night and I really need to know if I should back down and let her come 4 weeks earlier than I want and just deal with it, or if I should stand my ground. What is life going to be like with an 8 week old, will I be able to handle his mother at that point? Should I back down and let her come for the wedding?
Just for the record I DO NOT lose my balls when it comes to his mother. While I try to accommodate her, we have had our blow outs during past visits and I have no problem telling her like it is. I just don't want to be a nasty b*#ch, and protective "momma bear" the whole time she is here and have her resent me for all eternity.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mother-in-law visit
I agree I do need to compromise, and I feel like I have tried, although I did not state this in my previous post. I said she could come at 8 weeks for the wedding, but the visit had to be limited to a 2 week stay. My husband would not/did not relay the message! And to this date the length of the stay is still in question. The same thing happened for our wedding, we had to leave on our honeymoon about 10 days after the wedding, his mom was staying with us and I told him she had to fly back before we left because we could not expect my family to care for her while we were gone. She scheduled her flight home the day after we got back from our trip, had to stay with my husband's cousin in their 2 bedroom apartment with their 5 year old and 7 week old. His cousin's wife was extreemly stressed when my husband came to pick her up because of how overbearing she was with the baby.
I really do want her to see her grandchild, I'm excited for all of us to meet him. I just feel like she is stubborn and unwilling to compromise with me, and turns on the waterworks when she doesn't get her way, which makes my husband cave.
I have a slightly different perspective since I am on the other side of the equation. I grew up in Asia and my whole family still lives there, including my mother. DH's immediate family all live within 30 miles of us. My mother is planning to fly in for the birth of my child. Honestly, her being around stresses me out a little but I feel like I need to concede on this since I have made the decision to live so far away from her.
I would seriously be pissed if my DH objected to my mother flying in for the birth. My perspective is that the spouse with family close by needs to be accommodating of the spouse whose family is far away. It's not easy choosing to live so far away and there is a lot of guilt involved. Plus, my children will always be closer to DH's family than mine since they will see them more often so when we can see my family/have my family visit, we should try and maximize the time we have with them.
I understand completely that it's totally different having your own mother visit vs. having your MIL visit but I think you need to see things from your DH's perspective as well. Establish ground rules ahead of time to try and minimize her being overbearing. At the end of the day, it's 6 weeks which is not an unusual length of stay for overseas guests. I have friends whose parents/in-laws frequently stay for 6 months and they don't necessarily get along with their in-laws either.
Or you could think about the fact that you're going back to work and it may be a little helpful if she is still there in those first few days of transition.
1. Her coming at 8 weeks when there is another family celebration and she has financial help with the plane ticket makes a lot of sense.
2. Not all new mothers are possessive of their newborns.
3. If you speak no Portuguese and she speaks no English how do you fight? Maybe the bigger issue is misunderstanding and a language barrier.
4. Have your H tell her that you won't be driving her to the grocery store daily. Why does she need to go to the store? Does she do all the cooking when she comes to visit?
Oscar born October 2011
Miscarriage at 8 weeks (August 2013)
DD due September 1, 2014
Example of a past fight was when I tried to clean my cooktop (we had had an incindent 2 weeks prior when she caught the cooktop on fire from all the grease she spilled) I wanted to make sure it was clean before she cooked a dish for a family member's birthday party. When she came into the kitchen and saw what I was doing she freaked out saying how I think she's a pig and she can't do anything properly. I tried to tell her to calm down that I really didn't mind cleaning, but it had to be done because it was a safety issue. She stompped off screaming and crying into "her" bedroom and I followed trying to tell her it was OK, when I sat down next to her on the bed to try to talk things out (with my husband translating) she pulled me off the bed and started pushing me out of the bedroom. I did not take kindly to being pushed out of a room in my own home...and things escalated.
Truly I really do try to "walk on egg shells" when she is around and I try to be accomodating. I just don't think I should have to during my maternity leave.
I do know very minimal Portuguese, and she does know very minimal English. I hope my husband sticks with the plan and teaches our son Portuguese so he can speak fluently with his grandmother and other overseas family. Unfortunatly I don't see myself having the time to pick up another language in the next couple of months.
Yes she does cook a lot, which is somewhat helpful in that my husband enjoys her cooking. It is WAY too salty for me, and almost everything is fried, and very carb heavy. Not a vegetable to be seen on the table! She was offended with me not eating her food when she was up for the wedding, but we worked it out because I was on a diet. I guess it will be the same this time; I can't be eating that stuff (all the time) while EBFing. There are also some sanitary issues with meat, I guess it is a cultural thing, but she sees nothing wrong with meat sitting on the counter marinating for days (ewww)!
=P~1) This is your baby, but it is also your husband's baby and your MIL's grandchild.
2) 6 weeks every couple of years is not a burden. She will have limited hands-on time to bond with her only grandchild.
You can still set boundaries for when she is here. You married someone from another culture, you don't get to call all the shots. You are being unreasonable. I say this as a Greek and Irish girl from NY that married into a Middle Eastern family. I could either be a brat and rail against all the things I find bizarre, or I can deal with it and be an adult. Be an adult.
I am listening to what others are saying and I appreciate the insight especially from those in similar situations i am definitely feeling more ok with an 8 week out visit and knowing the baby and i will have somewhat of a routine. Still struggling with the length of the stay and what I am willing to accept.
I was/am simply stressed about this up coming visit and was trying to get opinions and advice (and as I said in the OP scoldings if need be) from mom's and mom's to be on how I should handle this visit. I truly appreciate the advice and suggestions on how I might be feeling at the time of her stay and things I can have her do or things I can do myself to try to make the visit a success for us all.
You gals are tough...I don't remember ever saying I wouldn't post again because you were mean, but because I have "inacurately" portrayed myself, my relationship with my DH, and my MIL (this forum thing is obvoiusly new to me and I'm thinking I should have stuck to simpler questions, instead of coming to strangers for advice on an obviously complex situation that cannot be explained in a post). I did read over my past posts and I think because I was upset about the arguement I had had with my DH, I agree I came off as "selfish and whiny" by only bringing up the bad, and then continuing to bring up the bad in trying to respond to others questions. I'm not trying to "backtrack because I got flamed" I'm trying to come down from my rant and try to explain that the relationship between my MIL is not nearly as bad as I obviously made it sound.
It comes down to this...as I have said multiple times, my MIL's visits are stressful (for various reasons) but she obviously doesn't hate me (or think I'm an "Ass" as a pp stated) as she usually gets here to the states about once every 18 months and for the most part exclusively stays in our home; and I certainly don't hate her or not want her in my home under normal situations. I think if you asked her she is happy with my husband's decision on who he married (she may have prefered a girl from the streets of Lisbon, but hey I can't win them all). I wish she spoke English, I wish I knew Portuguese I'm sure this would make things much easier for us all, but we manage.
"What does my husband want?" - Simple. He wants to see he mom. Whenever, he can.
I find it interesting that my friends and family who obviously have a more complete picture of my life with my husband and MIL were all telling me to "stand my ground and don't back down" when it comes to the time frame/length of the visit after the baby (my own mother being the one exception to this). I came on TB looking for advice because I figured there had to be other ladies in similar situations. I messed that up.
Once again, thanks to you ladies with overseas in-law's and parents. I appreciate the insight on how life might (and hopefully will) surprise me. And I have taken to heart the suggestions on what to do with MIL and a newborn, I'm sure things will work out...they always do.
Based on this one statement, I think the compromise would be to have her come when the baby is 8 weeks old and have her stay for 6 weeks. 2 weeks is way too short a visit when you are traveling from overseas and especially since this is her first grandchild. You say that she visits every 18 months, have you considered that the next time she sees the baby, he/she will be 1.5 years old? And at that point, she would have only spent time with them for 2 weeks of his/her life?
DH gets along relatively fine with my Mom but he will probably prefer than she stay for a shorter time period when she visits us. When DS1 was born, she stayed with us for 5-6 weeks and while she was an amazing help, it was stressful having an extra person living in our home. But I wouldn't have changed anything because the length of her stay was HER choice to make, not mine or my husband's. We have chosen to live far away from her so we need to be accomodating of her wishes.
I have been put off a bit by her and am finding myself annoyed that she will be coming to stay for 3 weeks. I'm worried about her being overbearing and overstepping when it comes to the baby. She is my husband's mother though, and I need to try to get over it for the sake of my H and the baby.
At the end of the day, I think 8 weeks after baby is born is reasonable. Six weeks sounds like a long stay, but I would try to suck it up. Maybe come up with a list of things she could do to help you out? My H and I have a chore list on our refrigerator that we try to get through every day. I am going to tell my MIL that she can have free reign to do any of the things on that list. If she wants to help cook but you really don't enjoy the food, give her maybe one day each week that she can make dinner, or tell her some things you do like that she makes. Daily grocery store trips are just not reasonable, so have her help you make a list for the week and get what she needs all at once. Try to find ways to make the things that bother you more manageable.
.OP - sounds like you have pulled back a little and see that this isn't the end of the world. I would suggest you and your DH talk about some guidelines while MIL is here. PP mentioned her cleaning up after herself (or DH doing it) but it would be good to have this talk with your DH before the baby is here and adjust after a few weeks...be on the same page before MIL arrives.
I like the idea of my MH having to take responsibility for the cleaning!!! We will see how that goes...it will be interesting watching the mother/son dynamic in a situation that raised tensions for MIL and I in the past. DH knows his mom is a slob, but has let me take care of clean-up in the past and just lent a sympathetic ear and some understanding when it got overwhelming.
We have tried limiting the grocery store trips in the past, and I'm thinking this time she won't have a choice but to understand we can't go to the grocery every day. This has always been a son/mother errand for past visits and MH has gotten aggrivated having to come home from work and go directly to the grocery, and this was without a newborn who he wants to visit.
I'm not talking about half way across the country. I am talking about half way across the world. Agreed that it's not completely my mother's decision but I do feel that I need to be extra accomodating given that I have made the choice to live so far away from her and that when she does travel to me, it costs thousands of dollars and is a long tiring journey that takes 2 days.
Fingers crossed your future DIL is a little bit more flexible, open and loving to you.
Dear lord
Too.
I think that the 8 week compromise sounds decent. You'll have lots of personal bonding time with your baby for two months.
Here's the brightside: with her in Portugal, you'll never have to deal with unexpected, unplanned "pop ins" and surprise weekend visits. You just have to have a situation that drives you nuts for a handful of weeks, but then you're back to your normal routine.
I'm a private person and I need my space, so I understand your frustration with sharing your home with company for an extended period of time. Does your husband have more family near by? Is there a way that you can suggest she split her time between a couple different households?
I think in this situation, you might just have to bear it and grin. If she wants to come for a wedding, I think it kind of makes sense. After all, we can't pick our in-laws, so sometimes it's about sacrifice, and just dealing with the annoyances.