Will you tell your LO about IF?

rox825 · July 2014

Morning ladies! We still have years to figure this out but I've been thinking lately about whether H and I will tell our LO one day about our IF issues and how he/she was conceived. Has anyone else thought about this yet? Just curious :-)

Lady2010 · July 2014

Hi - yes, I definitely plan to tell LO one day - though prob not until they are much older - possibly in their 20s (unless it happens to come up earlier). Reasons:

1 - there is nothing wrong with it - ie nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide it.

2 - in my 20s, right out of college I always thought I wasn't in a rush to have kids and had plenty of time. Granted it may have been hard to do have kids when I was younger - who knows. But I want my child to realize it isn't always as easy - and if you get to be mid-late 20s and are not yet ready, you may want to think about just getting a checkup and perhaps freezing eggs (if a girl). I just would want them to know they have options and not feel pressured to start a family - if that is what they want - before they are ready.

Once we tell extended family - I in particular intend to be very open / transparent with my cousins. I have a LOT of younger cousins - many of whom are now in their 20s and early 30s. Most have the view that I had - focus on career, worry about marriage / family later. Again, nothing wrong with it and I wouldn't change it since my path made me who I am - but maybe I would have started right when DH and I first got married (4 yrs ago) rather than thinking we had time and wait. I definitely had the view - oh, it isn't something I will have to worry about. Reality - anyone can have trouble conceiving - regardless of age.

Mrs.McIrish · July 2014

I used donor eggs so yes, my girls will know their story early and in turn, they will know my story....

lincoln79 · July 2014

Because we have used a gestational carrier, our child will know.

Our plan is this:

1) We plan to frame it in the light of this is how much we wanted you!

2) As this child gets older, we feel it is just part of family medical history that is important to share. MH had testicular cancer, I have autoimmune issues, as a consequence....

3) I may eventually share the depth of our struggles, in the right time and place (e.g. when our child is thinking about getting married, having kids etc.)

4) This point of view cracks me up. NO CHILD wants to think about the details of how they were conceived "naturally". As weird as IVF may seem, it does not involve thinking about your parents having sex.

rox825 · July 2014

I definitely want him or her to know about our struggles especially if it's a girl because of the possible future health implications (her own fertility), but I guess what I'm struggling with is when/how/how much to tell. If I think about myself, if my parents had to go through IVF or IUI to have me, at what age would I have been mature enough to handle that knowledge? Definitely not middle school, and I'm not even sure about high school. But then waiting until the child is an adult seems like it would be keeping something from them. I don't know... you'd think my mind would be preoccupied with other things right now like finding child care and registering for child birth classes! I guess IF is always still there lurking in the background.

rox825 · July 2014

IntuitiveBlue said:

I'm still formulating the answer to "where do babies come from" for while they're young, but I plan to teach my children all about fertility when we have "the talk" around puberty.

This too, how do you explain to a 5 year old, well, when two people really love each other, sometimes they go through lots and lots of invasive medical tests and procedures and if they're reeeeeeally lucky... yikes.

liz4paws · July 2014

Yup. Our daughter came to us through embryo adoption and I've already started a shutterfly book to explain her origins to her. I'll always have it be in age-appropriate terms, but she will always know where she came from. Sometimes mommies and daddies can use their own "baby seeds" to make babies, and sometimes nice families give their baby seeds to others mommies and daddies to use. We needed help so got to use someone else's baby seeds to grow our family.

ETA: This will be further illustrated by planting and growing a garden together with her from a variety of seeds for pretty flowers mixed all up together.

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

Yes. "And that, dear LOs, is why mommy and daddy can't afford to send you to college..."

Kidding.

We are open with our IF story, so I don't see why they won't also know about it when they're old enough to understand. It might come up explaining to them why they are fraternal and not identical twins. I plan to play it by ear and explain it when/f the topic comes up in an age-appropriate manner.

Allison7 · July 2014

So DH and I were "lucky" and conceived w/o intervention right before we were to start ivf#1...while I am thankful for that, we will not be going back to the RE. The IUIs were not successful (and likely wouldn't be with DOR) and the meds made me crazy. We are rolling the dice when it comes to future children and DH and I have accepted that this likely means this will be our only child. I was also an only child due to 2IF, so I know there might be a conversation in our future about wanting a brother or sister (when LO is in preschool or kindergarten and realizes that others have them) and why there isn't one when she is a bit older.

When the first conversation comes up about wanting a brother or sister, I will probably say something about it being up to God. I will say something about God giving her to us and how happy that made us, but that we will be happy either with another baby or without.

When she gets older (probably around puberty) I figure that's when the second question about why there never were siblings might come. That is when I will explain that we faced infertility. I will be very clear during "the talk" that just because I had infertility at 33 did not mean that I couldn't have gotten pregnant as a teenager or in my 20s. And I will explain to her that just because I faced IF and her grandma faced IF, that does not mean that she has to hurry to find a guy and have a baby. When she is in college I will be candid with her about DOR. I will tell her the ins and outs of what we did. It is part of her medical history and she should be aware. I will not want her to rush to having babies, but I would not be opposed to her having her numbers tested occasionally as she gets into her late 20s. Then if she has similar issues she can make an educated decision about freezing her eggs so she can have a child at the right point in her life without speeding everything along because of IF.

mdiblasi10 · July 2014

I definitely plan to share our IF with our kids. We have been very open about it with family and friends, and will do the same with them. If anything, it will be an easier discussion about "where babies come from." They come from love and science

orange1414 · July 2014

We will share. My parents suffered from IF, and I came to join our family through adoption. It helped me so much in my struggle to know my parents had gone through it, too. Hopefully our little guy won't go through this, but I want him to be sensitive and responsible, and knowing his story will help him to empathize with other people.

Mrs.McIrish · July 2014

orange1414 said:

We will share. My parents suffered from IF, and I came to join our family through adoption. It helped me so much in my struggle to know my parents had gone through it, too. Hopefully our little guy won't go through this, but I want him to be sensitive and responsible, and knowing his story will help him to empathize with other people.

Oh wow, Orange, I never knew you were adopted. It must have been hard for your parents to see you suffer with IF too...

Siona1976 · July 2014

Yes, when they are old enough to understand & appreciate. I'll probably give them a bit more with the health/sex ed (not sure if I will talk about IF then. . I might mention it). If at least one of the twins was going to be a girl, I'd include it sooner. With boys, I think it can wait (as I don't want to give them the wrong idea. . .you can do it & you won't end up pregnant). However, I'm guessing when they are in their 20's, I'll be more open about our struggles. I want them to understand that just because you have all the working parts doesn't mean they are working a 100%. As men, I want them to be sensitive not only to their own bodies, but to women's (and the struggles & issues we face with our bodies).

Allison7 · July 2014

@ThoseThreeWords‌ The strangest thing about knowing we are having a girl is when I reached the point in the pregnancy where all of her eggs were there. I thought about how over 35 years ago all of this was predetermined for me and how it now was for her, good or bad. My mother never had a good dx for her 2IF (her OB said maybe endo and she never went as far as an RE), but my grandma had her when she was 42, so who knows.

I have also thought about how we might want to consider putting something away to help her with freezing eggs if need be. I guess I at least feel grateful that she will go into her 30s more aware than I did.

cc+mm · July 2014

We used donor eggs and it has always been the plan that our daughter know that in an age appropriate way from the beginning. We already have a children's book that explains it in an age appropriate way for a toddler and plan to get a few more. We will also share our specific story with her.

ConstanceGoodspeed · July 2014

I am an IUI baby and my parents never told me until we told them we had to do IVF.

Being told as an adult made me appreciate what they went through and it helped me cope with our own IF, knowing they went through it too (except in an age where fertility treatments were not what they are today!). If I grew up knowing, I might have taken it for granted and not really thought about it in terms of making me special, loved, and very wanted. It would just be...a fact.

I don't know when we'll tell DS but I do want him to know before he (God forbid) faces IF struggles of his own.

Neesey · July 2014

My parents struggled with IF and I don't remember ever having a "talk" about it. We always knew. Granted my mom was an ob/gyn nurse so we knew a lot of details that other kids probably didn't. My sister had cysts from a very young age so we knew she'd have problems. I honestly never suspected that I would since I didn't share the same issues as my mom or sister. I think open and honest conversations are important. I'm not going to wait for a "perfect" time because I know it will never happen.

beachy6 · July 2014

My parents struggled with IF for 5 years to have me. It's always been a part of my story and was never a big, sit down and talk about it session. It was just part of my story of how much my parents loved me and was for my entire life. They did tell me more as I got older. I probably knew it all by middle school, which is a very age appropriate time to tell kids. That's when they're learning about sex at school and going through puberty themselves.

We will do the same with this LO. It's part of his/her story and they deserve to know. I don't underestimate how much kids understand and, if told in a age appropriate way, it is very appropriate (and appreciated, as I did) thing to tell them from the start.

Plus, seeing as how my mom has issues and I had issues, my kids need to know that it isn't something to be ashamed of and to be prepared that this might be the road they travel, too.

TXUltraRunner · July 2014

Yes of course I"ll tell my child at an appropriate time. My issues are probably inheritable and I want my child to know that they may have problems conceiving later in life.

Aurora1181 · July 2014

well I've already started on their baby book and I put in pictures of the blastocysts, us at the transfer, etc, in the book, so I don't think I'll be "hiding" anything. I think it's awesome that we have pictures of them at 100+ cells! I hope it is just their "normal" and part of their story from as early as they can remember.

MKateG · July 2014

DH and I have been very open with our families about IF they have known pretty much known every detail of our struggles and I am very open with others about it, I feel that its important that when ppl ask oh what side do twins run on? That I just let them know that we did ivf three times to get these LOs the response so far has been great, and I like answering questions and helping raise awareness about IF and hopefully get rid of some of the misconceptions about ivf. It still blows my mind how little ppl really know about ivf and I work at a hospital! I actually had someone say oh well your lucky your not having like 5 babies! I quickly let them know that transferring that many is not practiced anymore.
But I plan to let my LOs know what mommy and daddy went through to have them and that they were loved and dreamed of for years before they conceived, and that they have a very special and unique story :-) of course were going to give God the glory for giving them to us but God had a dif plan for us and our struggles have shaped us into the mommy and daddy that God wanted for them. And I'll give them more information as they grow up :-)

pmpknbride · July 2014

I plan on telling them in an age appropriate manner when they start asking questions about where do babies come from. When they get older, especially if it is a girl I will go into more detail. My IF was from PCOS which I inherited from my mother who also had PCOS - she exhibited symptoms of PCOS from her teens to early 20s but as soon as she got married she started having cycles like clockwork and popped out 3 kids no problem. I'd like to inform my daughter about PCOS and make sure she is properly treated if she has it too so she doesn't have to suffer thru the heavy periods like I did - my mom just kind of brushed it off like oh yea I had that too, completely normal, no big deal...so I thought ok cool, it's no big deal...I wish she had taken me to the dr when I first started showing symptoms for some BCP pills or at least regular provera because man they were a lifesaver when I finally got prescribed them!

marnief · July 2014

We plan to tell our LO about our IF struggles. As PPs have said, we will explain just how much we wanted her, and hoped for her, and prayed for her. We've joked that when she asks where babies come from, we'll tell her, "When a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, the Mommy gives herself shots every night for a couple of weeks, and then Daddy goes to the doctor's office and puts his seeds in a cup, and an hour later Mommy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor puts Daddy's seeds into Mommy, and then everybody hopes and wishes and prays that it will work!"

loulou182 · July 2014

We used donor eggs and I plan on telling my LO when she's old enough to understand. She has the right to know where her genetics came from.

brooklynesque · July 2014

Another donor egg mom here. We definitely plan to tell our kid(s) of their origins and also to do our best to help them meet the donor if they want when they're older. Apparently the psychological research supports telling kids conceived with donor gametes early and often so it's not some sudden revelation when they hit their teens or adulthood. (And to think it will remain a secret in this era of quick and easy genetic testing is IMO naive.)

BeckyP005 · July 2014

Lurker here.... @cc+mm‌ if you don't mind me asking what is the book called? Guess I need to start googling some books

Now what if she tells her friends? Are you open about donor eggs?

I only know one IRL friend that won't say anything to her child but on the TPR board it seems all will tell. Guess I have awhile to figure this out!!

dp21 · July 2014

I think our kid(s) will know from the beginning. I plan to put his or her first picture of cells in their baby book

We will just go with the flow.

badrianne · July 2014

ThoseThreeWords said:

I want to share the picture of our LO at 8 cells old with him/her. I plan to make it just part of his/her story of him/herself. Then, it isn't a surprise or an issue when he/she is older.

Ditto. I plan on putting the embryo picture in the baby book and maybe saying something about wanting her/he so much that we had a doctor help us. Then I'll leave it up to her/him to ask questions. If I have a daughter and she hasn't asked indepth questions by early twenties, I will definitely talk frankly about fertility and the various options available. I guess sons' should be informed about fertility as well. However, during the teens I'll focus on safe sex, std and unplanned pregnancy issues. I'd hate to put fear of infertility into a mind of a teenager...

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