Mixed signals

ramcheer55 · July 2014

After a lot of discussion, my H and I have decided to go off of the pill at TTC. I have been off of the pill now for 2 weeks and my dr prescriped prenatal vitamins. While we are having sex, we are not specifically trying to get pregnant.

We both would ideally like to conceive in September/October but I have read that it can take several months to get on a normal cycle. Some days my H is on board and talks about how we would do the nursery or tell our families, etc and then other days he says how much it will suck to have a crying baby and sleepless nights. While I don't look forward to those things either, it's natural and is part of being a parent and knowing that it is only temporary.

I downloaded an app that is a fertility tracker but I got the app more to keep track of my pds, not specifically to tell me when i'm ovulating. My H got upset and asked why I was planning this and worrying about it....I told him I wasn't and it was just to track my pd so I don't have to count or think back to my last one....i don't understand why he would be upset if we are off the pill and having sex. I didn't want to talk down to him but I told him that because I'm off the pill, we could conceive at any time....I know or time frame is to wait until the fall to really try, but it could happen any time we have sex now.

I just don't understand why he is being wishy washy on this. I asked if he still wanted TTC or just wait until he feels more ready but we're both going by the mindset that we'll never feel totally ready. We were at a wedding with friends and their 2 month old and he kept watching her and playing with her and then when I leaned over and said that I look forward to that, he just said yea I guess but it's going to be rough. I feel like saying "no duh captain obvious" but i really don't understand how he can play with the baby and keep watching it and looking at it affectionately and then in the next minute send such mixed signals. Any advice?

Bee1112 · July 2014

If my H had any reservations I would hold off TTC. It doesn't sound like your H is fully on yet.

Please don't push him, let him come around in his own.

cateyes543 · July 2014

Bee1112 said:

If my H had any reservations I would hold off TTC. It doesn't sound like your H is fully on yet. Please don't push him, let him come around in his own.

I agree. He still seems hesitant and that could grow into resentment if you guys do conceive. Could you use another method until he is really really ready, like condoms?

LtColumbo · July 2014

ramcheer55 said:

We both would ideally like to conceive in September/October

That's not now. Since you have just gone off the pill, you should use back up birth control methods until you are ready to TTC. Check back in with him in September and discuss if he's ready.

luciferous · July 2014

ramcheer55 said:
After a lot of discussion, my H and I have decided to go off of the pill at TTC. I have been off of the pill now for 2 weeks and my dr prescriped prenatal vitamins. While we are having sex, we are not specifically trying to get pregnant.

We both would ideally like to conceive in September/October but I have read that it can take several months to get on a normal cycle. Some days my H is on board and talks about how we would do the nursery or tell our families, etc and then other days he says how much it will suck to have a crying baby and sleepless nights. While I don't look forward to those things either, it's natural and is part of being a parent and knowing that it is only temporary.

I downloaded an app that is a fertility tracker but I got the app more to keep track of my pds, not specifically to tell me when i'm ovulating. My H got upset and asked why I was planning this and worrying about it....I told him I wasn't and it was just to track my pd so I don't have to count or think back to my last one....i don't understand why he would be upset if we are off the pill and having sex. I didn't want to talk down to him but I told him that because I'm off the pill, we could conceive at any time....I know or time frame is to wait until the fall to really try, but it could happen any time we have sex now.

I just don't understand why he is being wishy washy on this. I asked if he still wanted TTC or just wait until he feels more ready but we're both going by the mindset that we'll never feel totally ready. We were at a wedding with friends and their 2 month old and he kept watching her and playing with her and then when I leaned over and said that I look forward to that, he just said yea I guess but it's going to be rough. I feel like saying "no duh captain obvious" but i really don't understand how he can play with the baby and keep watching it and looking at it affectionately and then in the next minute send such mixed signals. Any advice?

I agree with @Bee1112‌ and it could take your body a few cycles to normalize after BCP. Most of the ladies here use FertilityFriend to track things.

Tracking doesn't have to rule you or make you feel like you're trying to hard to make it happen. Only track what you need. Read the newbie blog, search the boards here, look at our charts (most link them in their sigs),

You have a 3 or 4 day fertile window each month if you ovulate, whether you track or not, so you can't truly get pregnant any time you have sex.

If you do want to hold off on actively trying: chart - learn about *your* body, use a condom, and absolutely let him come to this on his own.

GL

Bee1112 · July 2014

Parenting is fucking hard. Worth it but hard. If he isn't up for a screaming baby in the middle of the night he could resent the child. That isn't cool.

Take a few months and just enjoy yourselves. You won't get this time back. Take a trip, do something fun.

ramcheer55 · July 2014

Bee1112 said:

Parenting is fucking hard. Worth it but hard. If he isn't up for a screaming baby in the middle of the night he could resent the child. That isn't cool. Take a few months and just enjoy yourselves. You won't get this time back. Take a trip, do something fun.

We just got back from Mexico last month. We both talked about this and our goal has always been to have kids when by the time we're 30. We're both 28 and want to start trying in case it takes awhile to conceive. We planned our trip to Mexico and agreed that I would go off of the pill when we got back from our trip. We probably have over discussed it at this point. Like I said, we both have talked about it and we have always been very honest with each other. I have asked him if he would prefer to wait and he said that he is okay with trying and is kind of under the impression that it will be nice but has always said, "just give them to me when they're 3 and can communicate their needs and are more fun to play with." Since I have asked several times if he would prefer to wait and he said that he's okay with us trying, then that's his problem. I've always been honest and have asked his opinion and had open discussions on this so I don't know that there's much to be said at this point. I think like any person, he sees a cute baby and envisions us with one, but then the reality of sleepless nights, fussy babies, etc scares him as it does me.

Bee1112 · July 2014

ramcheer55 said:

Bee1112 said:

Parenting is fucking hard. Worth it but hard. If he isn't up for a screaming baby in the middle of the night he could resent the child. That isn't cool.

Take a few months and just enjoy yourselves. You won't get this time back. Take a trip, do something fun.

We just got back from Mexico last month. We both talked about this and our goal has always been to have kids when by the time we're 30. We're both 28 and want to start trying in case it takes awhile to conceive. We planned our trip to Mexico and agreed that I would go off of the pill when we got back from our trip. We probably have over discussed it at this point. Like I said, we both have talked about it and we have always been very honest with each other. I have asked him if he would prefer to wait and he said that he is okay with trying and is kind of under the impression that it will be nice but has always said, "just give them to me when they're 3 and can communicate their needs and are more fun to play with." Since I have asked several times if he would prefer to wait and he said that he's okay with us trying, then that's his problem. I've always been honest and have asked his opinion and had open discussions on this so I don't know that there's much to be said at this point. I think like any person, he sees a cute baby and envisions us with one, but then the reality of sleepless nights, fussy babies, etc scares him as it does
me.

----------------box fail----------------
I don't see how it isn't your problem as well. I would rather be out if my goal age range and have my H be 100% on board with kids than be in my goal age range and have a H who resents our child and myself for pushing.

You for real need to have a heart to heart. I'm not convinced he is 100% at the moment. He's your husband so you know him better and can tell me that I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like he's all that ready. 28 is still young, you have plenty of time.

If you have over discussed it just let it drop until whenever it was that you original TTC plans were. Just completely don't talk to him about it.

I was ready for #2 when my DS was 10 months old. But my H wasn't so sure. We waited until he was 19 months. He would have resented me for sure if I would have continually pushed it and gotten my way. Now he is more than ready for a second LO.

delujm0 · July 2014

I have to ask...are you sure you want to have a child EVER with a person who just expects you to "hand the kid off when it's 3?" i assume this comment was said in jest, but your H is going to have to be involved, HEAVILY, from the onset in caring for your child. If he's not ready for that, you should probably wait. You're only 28 - your ovaries aren't about to shrivel up and die. If you have a kid before BOTH of you are ready you could wind up in a situation where H resents the kid, causing you to resent H, and that's probably not where you want to be. You need to have a SERIOUS discussion before you get pregnant. if you're not TRYING but also not PREVENTING, you could wind up pregnant before H is really ready to deal with it, which is a recipe for disaster.

Bee1112 · July 2014

delujm0 said:
I have to ask...are you sure you want to have a child EVER with a person who just expects you to "hand the kid off when it's 3?" i assume this comment was said in jest, but your H is going to have to be involved, HEAVILY, from the onset in caring for your child. If he's not ready for that, you should probably wait. You're only 28 - your ovaries aren't about to shrivel up and die. If you have a kid before BOTH of you are ready you could wind up in a situation where H resents the kid, causing you to resent H, and that's probably not where you want to be. You need to have a SERIOUS discussion before you get pregnant. if you're not TRYING but also not PREVENTING, you could wind up pregnant before H is really ready to deal with it, which is a recipe for disaster.

This. This. This. I have a case of the feels today so I feel like everything I have said has come out jumbled and bitchy.

ScarletOflaherty · July 2014

I used to be married to that guy that didn't think babies were anything fun or special until they were around 3, and it made for a VERY miserable first few years with the kids, because I had no help and was pretty much doing it on my own.

I really hope that was a joke, because I lived it, and trust me, it's not funny. We ended up divorced, and luckily I am now married to a guy who's not a douche.

Your DH is right, they ARE a lot of work and a lot of commitment, and because of that you want to wait until he is 100% on board, otherwise you are in for a world of misery doing it on your own.

divinemsbee · July 2014

**I hope this comes out as I mean it, and it'd definitely not ill-wishing anyone, just a bit of advice from another side of this issue that I feel like could be talked about.

So, I can't speak to parenting and all of it's difficulties. I see friends and family go through that and it can be both incredibly difficult and incredibly rewarding. However, there's another reason that it's good to have your SO on the same page. And that is, what if it doesn't happen (meaning you don't get pregnant) in a few months? 6 months? A year? More? What if, God forbid, you have to deal with loss? (To be clear, I'm not wishing this on OP, or frankly on anyone.) It's rough as hell, and without H being 100% behind me every step of the way I would probably have lost my mind and/or had a very rough time in my marriage.

Because what if you actually do have to plan or schedule sex or or he has to jerk off into a cup or make appointments or take medicines that make you feel insane? You need a partner that's with you on this all the way. With pregnancy, you've got 9 months after you find out you're pregnant to finish getting ready. With infertility there is no set end date. There's a lot of waiting, and a lot of wheel spinning. And sometimes there's no clear cut diagnosis or thing to be fixed. It sucks, and I can't imagine going through all of this without someone who was just as involved and committed as I am.

Bee1112 · July 2014

mj0011 said:
Joke's on your husband because 3 is the hardest age EVER!

edited because typing is challenging for me

Haha this! I don't have a 3 year old yet but I was a 3 year old teacher for some time. They are fucking nuts. But wonderful. I had 10 of the little boogers. There is a reason they are called threenagers.

Katelobster · July 2014

If it makes you feel any better, my husband also gives me mixed signals about trying to have a baby and we already have one (first was a surprise). He knows it's a good time and we both want another, but omfg those first months were hard and it's hard to want to go back to that.

I think you need to directly address the things that are bugging you... tell him what you told us- "Hey, we've talked about TTC and I thought we were in agreement, but when you get upset about me tracking my periods and making comments about not liking kids under 3, I'm not sure what to think. Are you really committed to this, sleepless nights and all?" I agree you should consider a barrier method until you have figured it out.

Fwiw, some people just aren't 'baby people' until it's their own baby. Neither DH or I had much experience with babies or toddlers. I was never like my baby-crazy friends who would beg to hold other people's babies and ask zillions of questions to their moms. But when we had our own, it was totally different and we were totally engrossed by how awesome she was and marveled at how well she held her head up or how she passed a toy to her other hand.... the kind of thing that would have made our eyes glaze over before.

And of course,there are some people who just suck like PP's ex-h

BillyHorrible · July 2014

ramcheer55 said:

I asked if he still wanted TTC or just wait until he feels more ready but we're both going by the mindset that we'll never feel totally ready.

I think this is your biggest problem. You're jumping the gun because you figure you'll never feel ready. And that's just not true. You may never be prepared. There may never be a good time. But at a certain point, you will feel ready. You will decide that the joys and triumphs of parenthood outweigh the sleepless nights and fear of the unknown.

Or you may not. It's a valid choice to decide you don't want kids too, that you're not ready and will never be ready.

This isn't to say you won't have doubts. You will. You will have them long after you get pregnant and have a child. This is a major life decision. But if you're rushing in to having kids because you don't think you'll ever feel ready, then now is not the time to gamble and hope everyone ends up happy with the result.

ramcheer55 · July 2014

My H wasn't joking about handing the kid off, he was joking that he wants to be handed a kid when they're 3. You have it the other way around. He obviously knows that isn't an option unless we would adopt which we aren't planning on doing. We talked more last night and he does want a baby he just doesn't want the pressure of talking about it and stressing about it. He just wants to go with the flow and when it happens, it was meant to happen. He said while he isn't quite ready right now, he likes the fall time frame to officially begin trying. He said he doesn't know if he will honestly ever feel 100% ready because we both are super planners and he is not good with change, but he definitely knows that he wants a baby.

Staceanng · July 2014

ramcheer55 said:
After a lot of discussion, my H and I have decided to go off of the pill at TTC. I have been off of the pill now for 2 weeks and my dr prescriped prenatal vitamins. While we are having sex, we are not specifically trying to get pregnant.

We both would ideally like to conceive in September/October but I have read that it can take several months to get on a normal cycle. Some days my H is on board and talks about how we would do the nursery or tell our families, etc and then other days he says how much it will suck to have a crying baby and sleepless nights. While I don't look forward to those things either, it's natural and is part of being a parent and knowing that it is only temporary.

I downloaded an app that is a fertility tracker but I got the app more to keep track of my pds, not specifically to tell me when i'm ovulating. My H got upset and asked why I was planning this and worrying about it....I told him I wasn't and it was just to track my pd so I don't have to count or think back to my last one....i don't understand why he would be upset if we are off the pill and having sex. I didn't want to talk down to him but I told him that because I'm off the pill, we could conceive at any time....I know or time frame is to wait until the fall to really try, but it could happen any time we have sex now.

I just don't understand why he is being wishy washy on this. I asked if he still wanted TTC or just wait until he feels more ready but we're both going by the mindset that we'll never feel totally ready. We were at a wedding with friends and their 2 month old and he kept watching her and playing with her and then when I leaned over and said that I look forward to that, he just said yea I guess but it's going to be rough. I feel like saying "no duh captain obvious" but i really don't understand how he can play with the baby and keep watching it and looking at it affectionately and then in the next
minute send such mixed signals. Any advice?

My husband was like that as well when we first decided to TTC. Then the months went by and he started to seem like he wanted a baby more than me. Don't rush him and he will come around and be 100% on board with you. Good luck.

DenaMaree · July 2014

My Mom said it best to my Sister when she said "you know your ready for a baby when you won't freak out if your OB informs you your expecting twins". My Sister laughed until she was ten weeks and learned she was expecting twins!! For me I learned we were expecting triplets! I ended up having a miscarriage and my DH was my rock. Not only did he not faint when the doctor informed us there were three babies, but he started talking about buying a mini van and getting a second job if need be. When we had the MC he was up with me for several nights just holding me, etc. I can not imagine if my DH wasn't a million percent on board!! I agree with everyone that you should definitely use condoms until September and re-visit the conversation with your DH. If he isn't ready yet then revisit the concersation again in Dec. Truly consider everything emotionally, physically and financially that comes with becoming a family of three (or more)!

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