Parents visiting around my EDD...help!

jayellekay · July 2014

Let me preface this by saying I love my parents and we get along just fine...but we live 1,600 miles apart, and it's probably for the best, because we live VERY different lives. When my DD was born, we lived in a different house, but they said all along they would stay in a hotel when they came to visit for her birth, and they did. It worked out well, and I was able to get my space while still getting some help from my mom. (Don't get me started on my dad...)

Now, we have a larger house with larger guest quarters, and they have booked one-way (yes, one-way!! Why....?) airline tickets on Dec 23 (I'm due Dec 25). Now I'm just hoping I have the baby early and their visit is truly short and sweet just to "visit" new baby and go home a few days later. But realistically, there's a good chance I'll still be pregnant when they arrive. My plan is and always has been to labor at home as long as possible. We live <5 minutes away from the hospital, and I don't love the hospital policies or my doctor really, haha, so I basically want to show up when I'm ready to push. Which means getting through early and middle labor at home, with my parents right there, camped out in my living room watching Fox News. I may murder someone. And not to mention, coming home and recovering from a vaginal birth with body fluids leaking out every orifice, and having my boobs out all the time trying to nurse a newborn. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! If I'm this ragey about it right now, I can only imagine it will be 20 times worse when the actual event happens.

So...I need some advice....

1) Am I being irrational? It's not that I don't want them to visit at all, I'd just prefer they not stay in my house. Ideally, they would stay in a hotel for a few days, my dad would fly home, and my mom could move in to our house and help with DD while I focus on the baby. But my dad is a whiner and extremely high-maintenance and he'll probably convince my mom to leave with him, which means they're a package deal.

2) If I'm not being irrational, how do I politely suggest a hotel? Finances are NOT an issue for them...and although DH and I *could* afford to put them up in one, their indefinite length of stay makes me nervous. Plus, I'll be off work (unpaid) for 12 weeks, and it's an expense I'd rather not take on, when it's just a drop in the bucket to them.

3) What the heck do I do about this?? Looking back to my last labor and recovery, I cannot imagine doing either of those things with my parents hovering around in my house.

JCARTER212 · July 2014

I don't think you're being irrational at all! Although I don't have any advice I totally feel for you because I'm in a similar boat. I'm also due on 12/25 and because of the holiday I know the whole family will be in town and I'm DREADING it! With my first I just wanted to be alone with my husband and the baby the first week or so. All I can suggest is be strong and set boundaries...their feelings might get hurt in the short term but it will be better for you in the long run

MaineMama · July 2014

Slap on those big girl undies and tell them exactly what you told us. You don't want them in your house for XYZ reasons.

weezy29 · July 2014

I can't imagine telling my mom she couldn't stay with me but I would be okay with setting a boundary of how long. You said you had guest quarters. Is that in your house or an apartment type house behind yours? If it isn't IN your house that might be easier to keep them out.

I would probably just be honest, in a gentle way. Let them know you welcome them being there for you with the new arrival but the thought of having an extended stay really stresses you out. Find out the dates they plan to stay and let them know if that works or not. If it's longer than you like, I would suggest what dates they can stay at your house and suggest what days a hotel would be better.

RayRay007 · July 2014

I don't think you're being irrational at all. Who books to come visit right around the due date without being asked and expects to stay at your house? Some people want their mom there, but I wouldn't and you obviously don't. I totally get the labouring at home thing. My parents never in a million years expected to be around for L&D of DD, but the ILs did - they had the image in their head of the family waiting in the waiting room. I tried to put it nicely and told them that I wanted it to be about me and DH and didn't want any distractions or pressure and that we'd let them know when we were ready for visitors. Maybe you can frame it that way? Not that they are going to be annoying, but about what you need.

bumpuser7846882 · July 2014

We share a big house with my ILs, which is great most of the time. That said, both of them were out of town when I went into labor with DS and I was SO thankful to just have DH at home with me. I have no idea what I'm going to do this time, since I KNOW that they will both be home all winter, and I know that I will need help managing DS (who will have NO clue what's going on).

Maybe suggest that they focus their visit on DD (taking her out a LOT) and let you have time to bond with the new baby (and heal, and deal with all your bodily fluids). I didn't really want to be around anyone for a few weeks, so I holed up in our spare room with the TV and pretty much only came out for meals. Everyone else was either cool with it, or didn't say anything about it to me. BUT, they didn't come 1600 miles to help out, so I don't know if that would work as well for you.

megbmeg · July 2014

Yikes! I can't believe they just booked a flight without clearing everything with you first. That's bananas!

I think you should cut to the chase with them. You love them and are so glad they want to come celebrate this new baby with you but your concerns are X, Y, Z. At that point, might they volunteer to stay at a hotel? If they don't, say that would make you most comfortable and ask that they help you out that way. You're pregnant and going to birth this baby - you get a lot of leeway in what you want and need. Good luck! Keep us posted!

PDXLaurenS · July 2014

No advice, just lots of sympathy! My in-laws are planning to do the same thing as your parents and I have a mediocre relationship with them as is. As a FTM the idea that they will be constantly there while I'm trying to get into a very new and different routine makes me feel physically ill. I'm insisting they stay in a hotel, but they will still be at our house dawn to dusk since they don't know anyone else in town.
Good luck with your family, sounds like we both need it!

Sweetsix06 · July 2014

This is a tough one. I'm super close to my family and I don't mind them staying with me. But in your case, you could just tell them how you feel now, politely. I'm sure they will understand. It's better than being around them during labor and having all that tension come out at that time.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

jessinaround · July 2014

I would just say you'll be uncomfortable having your dad around all the time while trying to nurse. And follow it with, I'm sure he would be more comfortable in his own space too. And just be honest!

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

Out of all the times in your life when it is ok to look out for your best interests, this is one of them. You have to do what is best for you and your little family. If that means you parents are upset, oh well. Won't be the last time. Besides, I honestly believe that disappointing your parents is just part of growing up. My dad didn't like it when I told him we wouldn't be coming down for Chrsitmas morning from now on and my MIL didn't like it when DH told her he won't be subsidizing her retirement. Were they sad ? Yup. Were they upset ? You betcha. Was crying and guilt trips involved ? Of course. Did the world stop spinning on it's axis ? Nope. They got over it. In fact, I believe that they respect us more now because they know that guilt trip don't work on us.

Again, this is a time where it is ok to put your needs and comfort first. You are trying to recover from giving birth and adjust to another baby. Your health and well being is more important than their feelings right now.

Want a personalized experience?

Parents visiting around my EDD...help!

Re: Parents visiting around my EDD...help!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards