making it work ano update

silvie25mar · July 2014

By now i'm sure everybody reading my posts have had enough- LOL. I guess forums are dangerous, you rely on complete strangers who may or may not have gone through something similar to give you advice. The truth is, my family and friends aren't super supportive and throughout my PPD etc i've kind of disconnected, my fault. But you can't choose your family and you can choose your friends and i'm working on it. Based on my previous posts, I am trying to work at myself, nothing happens overnight and I know it is an ongoing battle and some days are better than others. But the reassurance i constantly need feels draining. The bad days I need somebody to hold my hand almost and walk me through it. It's been a tough 2+ years with new DD and my PPD and my relationship stuff. I'm just ready to put it all behind me. As I stated before DH moved back, he's been back for a week and a day now. Now I fully get that things can't change in that length of time and that there will be a buffer type period where we might be both walking on eggshells to make the other happy and avoid fighting or whatever especially after the magnitude of what happened (him leaving). Eventually that will subside and the real us will come out whether we've made active changes in our behaviour or not. He left for 3 weeks, refused to come back and so i'm quite sure that if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't. right? 2 days after we had a great talk decided to work on things, it was my 30th bday. He didn't get me anything and I was kind of bummed. We don't always get each other gifts but I thought he might have considering what happened.. i guess I just wanted to feel a little special. He had paid for my trip to Cuba (which originally we were supposed to go to vegas together and i ende dup going alone) Is that so superficial? Anyway, my real reason for this post is... he is present we aren't fighting, we have been intimate, but i still don't feel like it's enough. I guess because he left i need and want that reassurance so badly and i need him to give it to me.. but he seems hesitant right now. Is it too early? How long do I give it before I bring it up again? i'm just very confused and the fact that he originally left saying he needed space and a separation really scarred me and I feel like it's now up to him to make it better but he kind of isn't, except being back home. Is it me that is just asking for too much?

silvie25mar · July 2014

beaubecca said:

I'm glad you're taking the steps to work things out. I still think you would benefit from couples counseling. It is difficult to get back on the path to imacy and true communication and love when you both have suffered a lot of hurt and lost trust in one another. But someone could help guide you through the process and make suggestions that you might not think of yourselves for how to move forward.

I hope you can both agree to seek this out, but regardless, I think it will take time. You sound like you're bummed and expecting him to come home and after a month of being separated and a week being reunited that he would be this changed man. I don't think that's going to happen. From everything you have written it sounds like you both need to work on accepting one another for who you are, not expecting everything to change. You have shortcomings, he has shortcomings. You need to look realistically at your expectations of his actions, words and your relationship together, and know that it will take very small baby steps of improvement over time to get back on track to a strong healthy long-term relationship.

Best of luck!

Also, please use paragraphs!!

LOL!!!!! I know i'm sorry. I'm guilty of that. Most of the time i'm using my iphone to post and I don't give it my all for proper grammer and paragraphs!

You are definitely right. Sometimes I just need to be told it will take time and that i'm doing the best I can, even if I know it. I guess it's an insecurity i've gained over the years.

As for counselling. I am active in it, he has a thing about it and isn't really for it. I'm secretly hoping that if I force him to come be a "fly on the wall" during one of my sessions it might open him up. That being said it could backfire but worth a try.

MommyAtty · July 2014

Call it a "couples coach." But I would highly recommend getting a pro in there to help you both communicate. DH and I did it. Counseling isn't a magic cure, but it taught me to talk and him to listen when I talked. There's something incredibly powerful to men, I think, of hearing their spouse say something to a third party. Even if they've heard it a million times, it sounds different to them when you say it to someone else in their hearing. (And you can't make paragraphs on TB on an iPad. Why on earth not???)

krose0713 · July 2014

"now up to him to make it better but he kind of isn't, except being back home. Is it me that is just asking for too much"

Be careful with this. It's not up to him to make it better, it's up to you both. It sounds like you are starting to bottle up a lot again, which has made you feel resentment in the past. Maybe your therapist can give you some good communication tips so you can tell him you need some reassurance, but not in a way that places blame on him. I also think it will be important that you both keep the doors of communication open. Maybe you can schedule a weekly check in with each other to discuss what has been going well and what hasn't. You will both have to be willing to accept some possible negatives from each other, but be receptive to changing for each other.

silvie25mar · July 2014

I guess with this i'm scared of possible answers. I got the one I wanted with him wanting to work on things and coming home, and I guess subconciously I just want to take that and run where realistically I say to myself well I can't make somebody feel or do something they don't want to meaning I just don't have any control over other people. This is a scary thought I guess when it comes to my relationship.

It's funny you mention weekly check ins, because during our last big conversation about deciding to make it work, he did mention in passing about having a "dialogue night" where we talk about stuff that could be bothering us as an open forum. I like that- but again I need to brace myself for answers I might not like. It's vicious cycle.

I guess ultimately I bottle things up a little if i'm not getting what I want. I try and forget them and hope it will change without actually addressing them. I think that is exactly what happened with him and he exploded and left because he couldn't take it. I guess the type of person he is isn't the in your face lovey dovey type and maybe in the past I took that for granted.

I guess it is a slow path of patience and time to heal?

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