****children mention not mine biologically* ***step children

lilmamapanther · July 2014

So as much as I love having my step-children with us all summer...but at the same time it's like a kick in the ovaries when I'm out with them and someone is says "hey guys you hanging out with mommy today"....I love my step-kids like their my own but at the same times sometimes I just want cry when something happens and the realization hits that biologically these children aren't mine....

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm sorry.

I don't know what it feels like to be in your situation, but I can imagine it must be complicated and difficult. I hope you have your own bio children soon.

lilmamapanther · July 2014

Thanks most days it doesn't affect me but when it does it hot hard. Please don't get me wrong I love these kids sometimes it's the why not me feeling. Thank you for support though we'll all get through this IF

AnnaClaire256 · July 2014

Oh sweetie...I know the pain all too well. My step sons live with us full time. I consider them my boys. They're 16 & 14 and I'm 29 (on Thursday) so it's pretty obvious to most people that I am not their mom. In fact...when I take one of them out to dinner about 50% of the time the server hands them the check! It's hard when you're forced to face the fact that biologically they aren't yours. Mother's Day is always particularly hard for me because they spend it with their "real" mom. She gave birth to them...but I am raising them. No matter how much a love them...they will never be mine.

It also hurts that his ex was able to give DH what I can't. (On accident no less). Part of me is comforted by the fact that he has children. It lessens the crazy amount of pressure I already put on myself. But it also creates another issue for us...I feel like if this doesn't happen for us...he will still be a dad but I will NEVER be a mom. When DH tells me he will be okay if it's just me and him forever...I have to bite my tongue because I want to yell, "of course it is you already have kids!!!!"

Sorry for the novel. You must've struck a cord with me! Sigh...it's such a hard place to be. Stay strong, darlin. I bet you're a wonderful step-mama.

lilmamapanther · July 2014

Omg you hit the nail on the head my DH says the same and I feel the same way.....I know he it's trying to be sensitive but Damn it if it don't feel like a kick in the ovaries. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels a little jealous of the ex and her working ovaries. ...thank you got the novel

lilmamapanther · July 2014

I got cut off lol I was saying thank you for your post...I was really starting to feel like a bad person for these feelings

lebradford · July 2014

***biological and step-children mentioned***

My husband has a son and so I do I (both from previous relationships, I'm experiencing secondary IF, they both live with us full-time). Even though I already have a kid, it can be very hard to parent someone else's child. Just like @AnnaClaire256‌ said, I feel like I do all the hard work and someone else gets the credit and is always the "real" mom. It sucks. I also feel really shitty about the fact that H's ex got pregnant on their first try, and now we're stuck paying thousands of dollars because of my issues. Ugh. So, yeah. You're definitely not alone in your feelings. It definitely doesn't say anything about your love for your step-kids. Parenting other people's kids is incredibly hard, even without infertility on top of everything else.

AnnaClaire256 · July 2014

Don't! They're valid feelings. It's a tricky place to be...I know DH REALLY REALLY wants more children but I know that I want it more. He doesn't like it when I say that.....

lilmamapanther · July 2014

Thank you you guys have no clue how much I needed to here others views

TTCBabyJ · July 2014

****children mentioned*****
I definitely know the feeling my stepchildren live with us full-time and it is hard. It's even harder on DH because now he is suffering from secondary MFI. He can't understand why he was able to father children then but can't do it now. It's also hard on our relationship because I have said I just want my own child. And when I say this I'm not even saying biologically even if we adopt a child I want a child that I have raised from birth. Even though I do so much for my stepchildren I know I'm not their "real" mom. Even when "real" mom is a real piece of work that is a fertile Myrtle (she has had 4 more children since divorcing DH) and has no idea how to raise children...sorry that's another story. But just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

emmuffy · July 2014

*warning*

Thank you for sharing this post. These are very complicated feelings. I've had a different, but similar struggle. My partner carried our first baby, and I love her dearly, but I still long so strongly to carry a child myself, in part to complete our family and in part because it's an experience I've always wanted so much, and I can't imagine feeling "complete" without it. It's very hard to find anyone who understands this. It was so helpful to me to read about everyone else having similar feelings. I hope we all end up with the families we dream of.

lilmamapanther · July 2014

Definitely makes the IF journey harder....but now seeing these feeling are not me being selfish....and seeing that I have a place to talk about these feelings did just take a lot of stress off my shoulders.

tweetyknicks · July 2014

***children mentioned, not mine***

AnnaClaire256: "It also hurts that his ex was able to give DH what I can't."

Totally this. DH has two sons (18 and 22). The younger one is a mess, but hopefully getting straightened out with some help. Both have social developmental delays. Since I am 29, I am obviously not a mother figure to them. More of an aunt, I'd say. It has not been a walk in the park. There have been several times my experience with them made me question if we really should have more kids (though I always decide it will be different when the kids are mine and I knew them from birth--his sons' mother is kinda screwed up). I do *not* recommend starting with teenagers. At least DH is fully invested in another round of kids. That helps tremendously.

AnnaClaire256 · July 2014

@tweetyknicks‌ sounds like we are in sort of similar situations. I've been EXTREMELY lucky as far as step-children go. These boys are angels. Seriously. I have said a million times...I don't think I could be a step parent to any other kids or with any other man. They have treated me like "mom" since day one. Seeing DH be such a wonderful, loving father makes my heart long to make him a daddy again. Any baby that gets to call him daddy is blessed beyond measure.

It's awesome that your DH is really open to having more. That's always a fear in the back of my mind...the longer this process takes the more I start to worry that he will change his mind or start feeling too old to start over....especially if I want more than one baby. My DH is 37.

lilmamapanther · July 2014

Omg I thing I was the only one who worries if the DH is going to change his mind since he already has three. ... but he did say he wanted second our family and doesn't give me much resistant in doing the infertility testing and stuff. So I try to stay positive.

tweetyknicks · July 2014

@AnnaClaire256, @lilmamapanther: My DH says he wants his third childhood (he's 53). Perhaps that tactic will help you if your DHs ever question their decisions? :-P

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