Marriage/relationship, pregnancy and newborns

2redtulips · July 2014

So, we've all heard the warnings about how having a baby can really do a number on your marriage/relationship.

The flip side of that coin, of course, is that the experience of pregnancy and parenthood can bring you closer together in a whole host of new ways.

So, I am curious, what are you all doing now to keep your relationship with your partner strong?

STMs, any advice for doing so through the newborn phase?

carlsonbaby2014 · July 2014

I remind him constantly how lucky his is I agreed to marry him in the first place

. I'm such a gem, and he better not forget it!

No, but seriously we've had a lot of talks about how our whole life is going to change - and the signs of it are already starting to physically manifest. We have a high chair seat at our dining room table now, we have re-organized kitty litter box and food to limit any bits from coming into the house, talked about moving our dogs from topical flea/tick treatment to oral treatment because "what if it gets on the baby?", day care drop off/pick up, no more movie-going for a while, etc. etc. the list is long.

We talk about expectations and hopes for what it will be like, and how we'll handle the inevitable stress, reminding each other it's OK to ask for help and reach out for support from friends and family (this is a tough one especially for me...I'm a 'I want to do it all by myself' kind of person). And, finally, we've been embracing our last few months of it being just him, me, our two pups, and cat - trying to soak up as MUCH time together doing things that are easy now and we perceive more difficult once the babe arrives.

Basically, we don't have a 'plan', but are going to live it up how we know best right now so that we can wholly focus on life with the baby and that new transition once it arrives, it's going to be a whole new world of wonderful and awesome experiences, but just different.

I'm interested in what others have to say about this as well, so I'll be lurking and taking notes....

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Communication is the biggest thing. The first few months are hard between hormone fluctuations, sleep deprivation, and just not feeling like yourself, particularly if you're breastfeeding and you either have a baby or a pump on you for a good portion of the day/night. It is easy to feel resentful at 3 a.m. when you've been up with a baby having a growth spurt and your SO is there snoozing away in the bed - even if he in general is very helpful. I think just being really open and honest (and calm when talking!) is the key to getting through.

So many people said the first year of marriage is the hardest but for us that was easy - the first year after having a baby was by far our most challenging. We had a baby that wouldn't take a bottle so leaving him for any extended period of time just didn't really happen. It got better after 6 months when he started solid foods and didn't need to nurse as much because at least I knew he wouldn't starve if I was gone for a few hours. It's important to make time for you and your DH as a couple, even if it's just ordering Chinese and watching a movie at home after LO goes to bed. It did take 3-4 months before sex wasn't painful for me, but once things in that area improved we made an effort to have sex at least 2x a week. I don't think I would have missed it, personally, as I had zero sex drive while nursing but I thought it important to still maintain some intimacy. It'll be interesting to see how we manage with 2 kids wearing me out all day.

dragonfly1809 · July 2014

Everything @carlsonbaby2014‌ said.

Talking about it now is important. Be prepared for the unexpected (both good and bad), understand you're going to be tired, possibly on edge, and work on ways to remind each other you're both feeling overwhelming emotions.

Think about a plan (but don't get too caught up in it) over how to help each other out - like he changes diapers while you manage feedings...

In the final weeks - whip up some freezer meals. You will need quick and healthy meals easy for either of you to prepare.

Remember... Those first few weeks/months are precious. Your baby will change so much, touch your heart in unimaginable ways. Soak it up, make the most of it - nothing else matters. You'll cherish those weeks in retrospect ...it's tough but incredible, tiring but rejuvenating, ..it's a really special time for your family so try not to sweat the small stuff - who cares if there's a dirty diaper on your dining room table or laundry in the living room... You have a baby!!

You'll love it. Believe me

megbmeg · July 2014

Happyin14 said:
So much of what pp have said. Make sure you talk about things and not when you are fried and tired. Find a good moment and discuss what's frustrating you. The other thing is to remember that men parent differently. And if you want YH to help out, you have to let him figure it out his way. I am sure this is true for same sex couples as well - different people are just different. But I think it's more pronounced between men and women. I had a hard time not telling him what to do but letting LO fuss for an extra minute while he figured it out. The plus side? He got better at putting Jack to sleep when he was upset (stopping the crying and falling asleep peacefully) and could do it better than I could sometimes.

This! Even though I'm not a mom yet, this sounds important to me. Each partner has their own way of caring for baby, and I know it'll be important that I not try to coach DH on every little thing. He'll feel more confident and we'll both feel like we're on the same team.

Speaking of which...I love this advice from the Cup of Jo blog:
"A very useful phrase to repeat whenever you start to ask why your baby is doing something confusing and unpredictable: 'Babies be babies.' (I think I'll put this on a needlepoint pillow if I have another child.) And a very useful phrase to repeat when you find yourself turning to your spouse blamefully: Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy"

KMW08 · July 2014

I don't know if we've ever really talked in depth about how it will be. I'm not sure you can truly know what to expect as first time parents. I don't think you can really plan for the baby either. The first few weeks will set the tone and be an amazing learning experience.

What I am sure of though, is that if we have survived buying and selling 2homes, purchased new vehicles, dealing with family cancer (parent & grandparent), family death, AND last and most stressful for our relationship IMO our fertility struggle/story, we can survive becoming parents.

As for us, we're in our normal routine with each other. We have done some activities we normally wouldn't do - like going and seeing the fireworks at our state capital. I have no sexual desire, but I've been working on that because I know it'll be worse when baby arrives. We're currently trying to work on being more organized and domesticated. Since it's just the two of us it's not a big deal right now if we fend for ourselves, kwim? So we have areas of improvement that need to be tackled and we are working on it.

E&B0811 · July 2014

What @kmw08 said.

haleyusf · July 2014

Best advice I can offer is be kind to each other, delegate baby duties, and keep having sex. I am divorced from DS's father, and our marriage took a tailspin during pregnancy/newborn phase because we completely lost romantic feelings for each other. We had the miscarriage right before DS, I was on pelvic rest for the 1st tri, bed rest for the 3rd tri, and then post pregnancy hiatus, so we just didn't connect on a romantic level for almost a year. I didn't touch him because it seemed like every time I did, it triggered "romantic feelings" and so we became roommates. Stressed out, sleep deprived roommates. He was too scared to do to much with DS because he didn't know how and I didn't trust him to do it "right", so it all spiraled until we'd lost respect and love for each other. By the time DS was 1.5yrs, we were separated and divorced shortly there after.

This time, I am make a point with SO to stay connected physically and emotionally. I'm absolutely going to teach him how to take care of our little one; this is his first child so there will definitely be things he's scared to do or things he won't do exactly as I would, but that's okay. And I am making an effort to be kind. When my hormones go crazy, I apologize, and when they aren't, I make a point of being present and attentive to his needs since mine take a front seat so much of the time.

Samuelismomma · July 2014

Pretty much what @RN536‌ said....date night and not forgetting your also a couple and not just parents. I'm big in to holding hands, smooches in front of son I want him to know we love each other...:)

songbirdsinging55 · July 2014

We have talked about it , mostly about how there will be tough times. Everything we have faced, we have done so as a team. I feel confident if we continue communicating and spending time together, we will continue to grow stronger as a couple. We have also been through many obstacles but each time we have come out the other side with more understanding and knowledge on what our needs are and what works for us. We have discussed getting into a routine and how important that will be. We also talked about how important certain family values are to us and our fears. I think we mostly feel ready. If it were three years ago I would be scared at this point but I feel like we have been preparing and discussing this for years.

kefttsc · July 2014

As much as we know we can't prepare for twins (first time parents), we have tried to talk out as many situations as we can think of NOW so that we at least know where the other one stands in theory.

Besides that, I find it hard to imagine being prepared, but communication will be the key. He and I have both gotten better over the years at being clear with what we want and need, but I know that will be hard on no sleep, lots of stress and confusion.

I think family will be the kicker for us. He wants his family really involved (they all live in town....like ALL of them....) and I'm more of the DIY type.....so I'm going to have a hard time asking for help. UGH!

2redtulips · July 2014

LeaLupins said:

It did take 3-4 months before sex wasn't painful for me, but once things in that area improved we made an effort to have sex at least 2x a week. I don't think I would have missed it, personally, as I had zero sex drive while nursing but I thought it important to still maintain some intimacy.

This was one of the main reasons I posted the thread. We're currently benched from sex, so it's already affecting us a bit. I am hoping we get a hiatus from that sex ban before the baby arrives, otherwise we're in for a long dry spell. I know it's important to my DH, and it's important to me to stay connected as a couple - not just as parents.

2redtulips · July 2014

I am loving all of these replies! Thank you, ladies.

I need to bookmark this thread so I can refer to it often.

larahouseman · July 2014

Just chiming in to second @2redtulips comment above. This thread has been super helpful to me! I've actually been taking notes (dork!) on things I found particularly useful that I want to talk to DH about.

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Marriage/relationship, pregnancy and newborns

Re: Marriage/relationship, pregnancy and newborns

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Marriage/relationship, pregnancy and newborns

Re: Marriage/relationship, pregnancy and newborns

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014