Off topic: strained relationships with family- advice please!

shindylahoe · July 2014

I have a really strained relationship with my sister. We have never been very close and have always struggled to get along.

We recently had a pretty big disagreement and she told me that she wants nothing to do with me.

I came back asking her if she would be willing to meet with a mediator and try to work out our differences.

Has anyone here had a strained relationship with family that they were able to work out?

Were there any helpful tools durrig the process?

Every time I'm scheduled to see this sister (ie: 4th of July) my heart is in my throat. My adrenaline goes crazy. I want to try and work things out because she is my sister but I am seriously so scared of having to deal with the confrontations.

Carebella · July 2014

I can understand wanting to make it work. Yes, we can make our own family with friends, SO's, and kids, but it's always a huge bonus when you can get along with your family too. I think it's great that you still want to try. Hopefully a mediator or a therapist can help and if not just try to accept that it's her loss and not your fault. Hugs.

JPerona0205 · July 2014

We had a very strained relationship with my MIL (my FIL passed away about 2 years ago) to the point that it started to affect our marriage. We went to marriage counseling and the counselor told us we needed to have a talk with my MIL. I hate confrontations, so I was absolutely dreading this. It went ok (weird at the time), but she seemed to hear what we were saying and we listened to what she said. We both tried to address concerns of the other. She's made some changes, so have we. It's better - not great, but a lot better. I think the biggest thing is an agreement to ground rules. One person talks at a time, and listen to the other person (rather than focusing on what you're going to say next in response). For me, I had to realize that we will never be really close, but I wanted to get to a point where I didn't dread seeing her. We are very different people, and I've come to terms that we'll never be best friends, but we can enjoy each other's company when we are together.

I wish you the best of luck!!

kaimee27 · July 2014

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this! I think it's great that you want a better relationship with your sister and also think that a therapist or mediator could be a great option to help the two of you work through your differences if she's agreeable to it. Other than that, if there are certain topics that get the two of you fired up at each other, is there a way to avoid those subjects/situations? I know this must be so difficult for you and hope that everything works out!!

jlove253 · July 2014

It sounds like you really care about her. I hope she decides to see a mediator with you! A family therapist is another good option. I'm not sure what you argue/disagree about, but I have found that when dealing with situations with people that are uncomfortable, it works best to try to approach the conflict with a position of love, as well as trying to see the other person's pov. Maybe there is a commonality within each of your positions. Also, remember what feelings are present and try to speak with "I" statements.

Good luck @shindylahoe‌! I hate confrontations too, especially with people I love.

shindylahoe · July 2014

kaimee27 said:
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this! I think it's great that you want a better relationship with your sister and also think that a therapist or mediator could be a great option to help the two of you work through your differences if she's agreeable to it. Other than that, if there are certain topics that get the two of you fired up at each other, is there a way to avoid those subjects/situations? I know this must be so difficult for you and hope that everything works out!!

One if the biggest issues is that we both own competitive businesses in a small town. No matter how hard I try I seem to always offend her.

shindylahoe · July 2014

Thank you ladies for all of you responses. It helps having someone listen.

I definitely try to use "I" statmets @jlove 253‌ but of course I mess up on this front.

It's hard to know where to stand your ground on issues that are important to you and when to concede.

I really hope we can find someone we both trust to mediate I think that will be hugely helpful

mamaluzi · July 2014

AeandJb said:

Sorry you're in this situation. One of my sisters cuts off contact when she gets super jealous. I don't try to fix it because I didn't do anything wrong. She wants me to apologize/say no to getting engaged, and many other situations like that. No thank you.

You said you both own competitive businesses, so I'm guessing your sister's reason might be jealousy as well. How is she around your children?

My H and I already decided if my sister pulls this crap when our kid(s) are here, we won't go back on speaking terms. Unfortunately, we've seen the effects on my nephew and it is too much pain to put the little ones through. "Oh you really love you Aunt blah, well I'm mad at her so you won't get to see her for 5 months and then when she comes back around you won't want to get close because you're scared she'll disappear again." It's heartbreaking when they look at you like they have no idea who you are and then they slowly start to remember and then you have them attached to you and crying when you try to leave.

I hope you two can work it out. However if the issue is mostly on her side and she doesn't want to, I would cut my loses. It's too much extra drama and stress. You could still go to family events at the same time and be civil.

This.

This is totally my mom and her sister. My mom gets walked all over and her sister is the Big Green Monster and is just straight up mean to my mom for nothing that is her fault. My mom is adamant about staying friends with this sister even though she's treated like crap (I think she should call it quits, honestly, but only because it makes me so mad when she gets shit on :-P). Kudos to you for wanting to do therapy - both my mom and her sister are of the generation where therapy is for "weak people" *rolls eyes* so hopefully you guys have a chance!!! Good luck!

shindylahoe · July 2014

AeandJb said:
Sorry you're in this situation. One of my sisters cuts off contact when she gets super jealous. I don't try to fix it because I didn't do anything wrong. She wants me to apologize/say no to getting engaged, and many other situations like that. No thank you.

You said you both own competitive businesses, so I'm guessing your sister's reason might be jealousy as well. How is she around your children?

My H and I already decided if my sister pulls this crap when our kid(s) are here, we won't go back on speaking terms. Unfortunately, we've seen the effects on my nephew and it is too much pain to put the little ones through. "Oh you really love you Aunt blah, well I'm mad at her so you won't get to see her for 5 months and then when she comes back around you won't want to get close because you're scared she'll disappear again." It's heartbreaking when they look at you like they have no idea who you are and then they slowly start to remember and then you have them attached to you and crying when you try to leave.

I hope you two can work it out. However if the issue is mostly on her side and she doesn't want to, I would cut my loses. It's too much extra drama and stress. You could still go to family events at the same time and be civil.

She has never treated my children poorly. She also doesn't really have a close relationship with them but I think deep down she loves them.

I feel like writing her off just isn't an option or the right thing to do. I honestly sometimes wish it was!

Lilwatz · July 2014

My family is good with strained relationships. We do it all the time! My personal stance is that I have no problem not having people in my life if they are treating me/interacting with me in a toxic way. For me, the second they start being human again, I rebuild willingly (and cautiously). I got to this point after a little bit of therapy and it really is all about me. Not the other people in my family. I have found that I am at the most peace in my life when I worry about me and only what I can control. I cannot make my sister be less selfish (she didn't come to my wedding because I didn't have it on her terms) or my father be less emotionally unhealthy. I can only control me and what I do/say. So, when one of my family members is doing something that is unhealthy for me, I remove myself. When they stop, I am happy to have a good relationship with them.

I fully recognize things will be different when it is not just me (and my husband) being affected anymore and my adorable little daughter is in the mix. But I am not sure how different. I think a lot of how they are affected comes form how I build up those relationships.

Here is an example. My sister is currently not speaking to my dad. She claims it is because she now has a one year old daughter and she doesn't want him to let her down (he is notoriously bad for doing nothing for his grandkids birthdays/christmases, or worse, doing something for some but not others). Her daughter is one. She has no idea my dad did nothing for her at Christmas when she was 6 months old. I wish my sister could see that she was upset with him (rightfully so!) and her issues are because he treats her poorly (he really does) and own that. Don't put it on her daughter. Regardless, we have lots of nieces and nephews and have known he has been like this for a decade. This should not surprise her. My plan (along with my husband) is to never show our disappointment in front of our daughter and never build up gifts/well wishes coming from him. In other words, set expectations appropriately and set the tone/be the example for her.

I am sure it will be different in practice, but I really feel that if we set the tone, she will follow.

Good luck with how you decide to move forward!

Kristy774 · July 2014

I had a really strained relationship off and on with my sister in law, (DH's sister) the best thing for us was time. I think a mediator is the right direction for you guys.

kaimee27 · July 2014

It's really tough when you both have businesses in the same town-I can definitely see where that would lead to some tension at times. I still think that you're going down the right route with therapy/a mediator if she will agree. Maybe with an objective outside person helping the two of you to talk through your differences, you'll be able to get to the point where you can both agree to keep family time separate from business talk? I really hope that it all works out well for you and that someday this strain the two of you have will be in the past!

ssstephanie214 · July 2014

My aunt has had a very rough time with her family-in-law (??? how do you call this??) and stepkids. she got involved with a Catholic family counseling organization even though she is NOT Catholic, and has seen success as a result of learning their strategies for non-confrontational communication.

Granted, she lives in San Francisco so the branch of this organization bends the rules a little to include her.

Still, I think it's worth looking into free or low-cost therapy groups because you only need one person (you) to learn the tools for better communication. with a family mediator, you might need her cooperation in order to get anything accomplished. Although not a person of organized faith, I think that religious leaders can be very helpful in these situations, at no cost.

nicnac817 · July 2014

My sister and I are best friends, so I have zero experience with a situation like this.

I do know this. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to be close. Sometimes, a casual, hi/bye cordial relationship is plenty. We can't decide that we don't want to be related anymore, obviously. We can take the relationship for what it is... minimal, and that's ok.

In my opinion, you shouldn't force something that isn't there. Once you put your all into making something work and it doesn' there is not much else to do.

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Off topic: strained relationships with family- advice please!

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