NBR: Commuter marriage anyone?

katiedidthat · July 2014

Does anyone have experience with a commuter marriage or any advice on how to deal with one? My husband just accepted an amazing job 3 hours away from us in Winchester, VA and will be leaving exactly 2 weeks from yesterday to move into a one bedroom apartment during the week, leaving me here with our 2 boys for possibly as long as the next year until we can afford to rent/sell our house and move with him, or until he can get a comparable position back here. I know that this is the break we needed, as he's been struggling here to support us and to find work in his field, but it still stings to be separated like this. We haven't been apart for more than a work day (never a night apart) since we were married and haven't been apart more than 2 days at a time since we first moved in together 5 years ago. Not to mention, I've never had to take care of both boys completely by myself for an entire day.
Right now the plan is for him to drive out early Mondays and come home late Fridays so he can spend all day Saturday and Sunday with us, but I worry that it will be a lot of stress on both of us to try and squeeze our entire relationship and our kids into two days a week. I was hoping someone here might have some advice for how to stay close over the 200 mile difference and also how to keep him from feeling left out of our life here. ODS isn't really old enough to understand what's going on and hasn't been interested in facetime with his grandparents so I don't know if he will be interested in it with daddy.

RedDawnsRevenge · July 2014

DH started traveling for work in March. We live in Cen. Cal and since March DH has worked in: NH, IA, IL, TX, and NM! Unfortunately there are no wind turbines anywhere near us so he's had to travel. Not seeing DH for over a month at a time doesn't really bother me. But our relationship has never been normal. The first 3 years of our marriage he was deployed (Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Kyrgyzstan). DD1 loves doing FaceTime with daddy. And taking care of both girls myself really isn't too bad. Getting into a routine at first was hard but now it's a bit like groundhogs day!

Tferr02 · July 2014

We aren't a commuter family, but we are an Army family and apart for months at a time. FaceTime with grandparents and FaceTime with daddy is totally different. DS1 is 2 and loves to skype with daddy. We call daddy every night before bed and skype every other day. I send lots of pics through out our day to DH so he feels like he is still part of life and every night I tell him everything we did during the day so he hears those accomplishments. With DS1, we talk about daddy a lot too and he has a daddy doll that he sleeps with, there are also those books that DH records himself reading and sends them to DS1 so he can hear daddy's voice more.

Husker20 · July 2014

We lived apart for 3 months a few years ago 2 1/2 hrs apart. It was hard. Luckily for us that was before we had kids. Good luck to you!

sugarrush · July 2014

Are you able to go stay with him at all? Like, 1 week bring the kids and stay with him in the apartment and the next week stay home? Before LO came along, my DH was gone for 3-4 weeks at a time, home for a week and then back to wherever his work sent him. It was tough for us to be away from each other, but we managed (the money was too good to leave at that time). I think you'll find that even though your LOs wont be interested in facetime, your DH will be able to at least see them and what they are doing and it will help. Also keeping positive and always trying to look at the "bright side" of things and reminding DH that this is temporary will help. Your in a tough spot, hugs to you.

Bluebird2318 · July 2014

That is rough. I don't have any experience with it as far as marriage and children, but 2 years of my relationship with DH (prior to marriage) were long-distance (8-hour drive). It was rough, but we tried to do things "together" even when we couldn't actually be together. We were on the phone often, played games together online, watched the same movie simultaneously on Netflix so that we could enjoy it/discuss it together while watching, etc.

I take it you are a SAHM currently? Is there any way at all that you and the boys could visit him on occasion, either through a drive of your own or the three of you travelling back with him after he comes home for the weekend? I know you said it was a one bedroom, but I imagine you could find ways to work around that if it's your only option (cots, couch, bassinet, etc.)...

When I was long distance with DH, we had a sort of loose "rule" that we wouldn't go longer than three weeks without a visit. At the time he was working full-time and I was a full-time student, but we managed. Maybe you could do something similar and try to arrange a visit once a month like I mentioned earlier. If you know it ahead of time you can try to plan for something fun in his area that you can go out and do as a family.

It's been awhile since I've been in that situation, but if I think of anything else I'll let you know.

Dahlia414 · July 2014

It is tough at first. In time, though, it will get easier as you establish new routines. We used to have several short phone calls an evening which felt more informal and like chit-chat like you would have at home (how was your day call, goodnight call etc) I made him quit that job when we had DS1 but I'm sure video chatting would be very helpful for the kids.

katiedidthat · July 2014

We've talked about going to visit there some during the week, but unfortunately we can't do that very often as his 'apartment' is a studio over the garage of a friend of a friend with only a kitchenette and space for his bed and a couch. They have been great about offering him the space and saying that we can come stay too sometimes, but with 2 kids under 2, I just don't see how anyone would get any decent rest trying to share 1 room long term. He is hoping in the next few months to be able to work enough hours at his main job and possibly a second evening job to rent a 3 bedroom apartment that he can share with a co-worker and will give us space to come and stay there too though, so I guess I have that to look forward to. Ultimately we want to be able to afford to just shutter our home here and live there with him while he continues to look for work back here. That's the hardest part of all of this I think, the fact that its so indefinite. We might be apart for a few months, maybe for a year, maybe longer. And when we're finally together we don't know if it will be here or there.

khammond3 · July 2014

My husband is in the army. He has been gone for a 12 month deployment. Then gone for a month here and there for training. It def sucks BUT love endures everything, even distance! You can do it! Make sure you keep your communication strong and make the time count you have together

*sparky* · July 2014

DH is on a project that is about 1.5 hours drive each way - sometimes 2 hours when the traffic is crappy. For a while when we just had DS he would stay overnight every other night, so he was barely home Mon-Thu. I also was working 3 days/week and had all household and childcare responsibilities during those four days.

It is not easy but it is doable. I have friends and family around to help out, we talk to DH or face time on the phone every night and DS would call him every morning. It really does help just to have the kids hear their dad's voice. DH and in would usually talk again after DS went to bed.

I tried to take care of as much of the household stuff as possible during the week so our weekends were free for fun family stuff.

Now that we have a baby, everything has kind of changed - DH drives back and forth every day which has been rough on him. I can't get nearly as much done during the week (even though I have been off) so we have household stuff to do on the weekends. It has been stressful and I go back to work next week which will make it even tougher.

Jennick602 · July 2014

For most of our relationship we have been 2 1/2 hours apart- hubby is in the military. We made every weekend special, doing silly things that reminded us why we were together. It's harder now we have little one, I kinda resent that his life hasn't changed, but reminding him we are a family, lots of photos, calls and face time convos take place daily. And silly things like face timing bath time makes it feel less lonely.

Hope this helps a little. It's hard to start with but it becomes normal. Plus it's nice to have a 'holiday home' in the apartment.
My only bit of real advice would be, be part of each other's lives even at the distance.
And don't except him to do all the travelling ( not easy with small people, I know).

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NBR: Commuter marriage anyone?

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