Update: I just need to put all of this stress...(long)

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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2goingon3 · July 2014

Sorry for your stress!
1) neutering your dog will help with some of these issues, behaviour classes will help with the rest.
2) your mom sounds like a real peach, and if mine ever called my child "illegitimate" I'd definitely be the one not speaking to her, not the other way around. Set some boundaries with her now, it'll be easier than when baby arrives.
3) can you have a separate area in your home for your dogs to be separated from daycare? That's how I do it, I don't want even my calm, sweet, well behaved dog anywhere near daycare kids. I would strongly suggest that.
4) you and your fiancée are not arguing about "discipline", you're arguing about whether or not to keep the dog. It's important that you understand the difference because it has no effect on how you raise your child. It also sounds like you guys are young, and a lot is changing, so you wanting to get rid of the dog is probably stressing him out too. Couples counselling will probably go a long way.

Good luck, hope you get it all sorted out!

persephonerose · July 2014

I am going to start with how you are feeling about becoming a parent, because I feel that is the most important. Everything you have described is normal. It is ok to be afraid, worried, stressed, excited, and everything else in between. Yes life will change, and your relationship with SO and others will change. This does not mean it will be bad. It will just be different and it is ok for things to evolve and be different than they were.

Have you been to the WIC office to see if you qualify for any services? If you qualify use them!

Check with churches in the area to see if they have free parenting classes for both you and SO to attend. They can help build communication and get you guys on the same page as far as parenting choices.

I wouldn't try starting an in home day care right now. In my experience, they take a lot of work to be properly licensed. But you could always list nanny/baby sitting services on places like Care . com.

Dogs, especially puppies are a lot of work. If you can afford training classes you should take the pup asap. If you can't then you and SO need to agree to train at home. There are tons of good training books at the library.

Your mom said a lot of awful things and I would be concerned that the only reason she apologized was so she could play with the new baby. That must be awful for SO to have to entertain your mom. IMO, she would have to put her apology into action, instead of just words.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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[Deleted User] · July 2014

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TheOtherJacobsons · July 2014

First of all, holy shit woman, you are going through a lot right now. No wonder you feel stressed.

On your mom, the silent treatment was the perfect way to handle it. It may feel like she disowned you, but really I looked at it like you responded to her with a very clear message by not contacting her either. She was right to apologize and if I were you I would find a way to accept it and let it go. My mom threatens to disown me all the time, but honestly when it really comes down to it, she needs you in her life and she wants to be a part of your family. She would regret it more if she never got to know your LO or be a grandma for the first time. My mom doesn't let things go and it took many years for her to get over my grandfather's reaction to me. He said he wasn't ready to be a grandfather yet. I wished that she had gotten passed that remark so that I could have had a better relationship with my grandparents.

I totally get why you feel like you can't express how you really feel right now. There is this perception that pregnancy and motherhood are these great blessings, which they are, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Especially if you have all of these other concerns. At least you have us, so vent away my dear. Chances are, you are not alone.

You should absolutely open a daycare! I second the separate space for the animals. I would have to say that would be a deal breaker for me if I were a parent enrolling my kid. If you are already a caregiver, you can easily take care of a small brood of children. You'll need to be taking care of your own, so it makes perfect sense to open your home to more. It is great for the other parents too as you will likely have a smaller group of children than a larger daycare and their child will get more attention than they would at a larger daycare.

The dogs are a tough one. I think you both have some valid concerns. Sounds like you really need a mediator. Counseling for you, pet school for the dog (which is also for the two of you and will go a long way with agreeing on discipline methods), and a lot of patience. Babies do change relationships sometimes, but it is important that you always work on it. I am sure you will get through it.

I hope it helped to get your frustrations out and please let us know if things change.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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MrsL2B · July 2014

It does sound like you took the right approach with your mom, since she came over to give you a rare apology. I'd still be upset with her, but maybe put down some boundaries and let her make small steps to repair the relationship.

The dog issue sounds really stressful, too, since that's something you have to deal with in your home every day. He should definitely be neutered! And if you do end up caring for any non-family kids in your home, keeping him separated from them will be less worrisome for him, as well as for the other parents. My dog is a sweetheart and well-behaved around kids, but I know he has a limit to how much he wants to put up with.

It is hard to look forward to having a baby when there's any other mess going on in your life, and I think most of us feel this way to some extent or another. Having a kid is a major life event, and it's silly that we're expected to be non-stop giddy about it.

ariel06 · July 2014

That's great you guys are doing premarital counseling with your church. I found it really helpful just knowing where our opinions differed. Does your church have any family/parenting or moms' groups? I joined a MOPS group when DS1 was an infant and found it really helpful to be around other moms in a similar stage of life. Your church might also be another great place to meet families to do daycare for/or nanny for.

You have so many different stressful situations/changes going on right now. It's okay to be scared to become a parent. And even though this is baby #3, I still have moments I like to have "me time" and worry about no one, but myself. I highly recommend after baby is here trying to making sure to give yourself some time everyday or week to do something that makes you happy whether it's watching a trashy tv show, taking a bubble bath, or working on a hobby.

Saragoeswest · July 2014

There has been so much great advice here already, so all I want to say is that I highly recommend personal counseling which can give you the tools to work through your struggles and better manage your stress. A little counseling goes a long way.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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Jennyc00 · July 2014

I'm sorry your going through so much. I feel similar in many ways. My hubby and I already have issues staying connected and I'm very fearful this will complicate the situation with a child. But I'm also hoping having a child will bring another special feeling between us that no other experience can. I'm trying to take on the attitude that my reaction towards things in the future will make a huge difference in how we handle things. I know for sure I can make a situation much worse than it is by worrying. Hopefully you can both really enjoy the baby together and go with the flow of things to come. I would personally forgive your mom and move on. What she said was very hurtful indeed. But it will hurt you and the baby to hold it against her and then neither have a relationship with her in the future.
Hugs. Lets all hang in there!!

atraveller · July 2014

There has been a ton of great advice on here already and don't want to duplicate - I agree with what other PPs said that what you are dealing with your mom sounds tough but that you are right to accept her apology and try to move on. Setting boundaries is super important. I've struggled with that in the past but recently have been much more diligent about that and it has helped.

Being a first time mom myself - I understand all of your fears and concerns. When I see us spending a beautiful Saturday car shopping versus going for walks in the park, like we used to, I wonder how DH and I will ever find personal time together once the baby is born. But, as many of the other PP's have said,. I believe a baby changes things but it doesn't have to stop you and your husband to be from being able to find time for the two of you. It's just about being creative.

I have a cat, not dogs, so don't know all the ins and outs there - but having had to deal with a cat that has gotten sick in the last year and now is hit or miss on when she uses the litter box, I can completely understand your stress and all I can say is that a lot of the other PPs on here seemed to have some good advice on ways to deal with the dogs and think if you follow some of those tips, it should be okay.

sngsoprano1 - that advertising yourself on Care.com or Craigs List will be a way to bring a new job scenario into the picture and give you time to maybe work out all the details before jumping head first into a home daycare situation.

I know how tough everything seems right now - and its harder when everyone tells you this should be a happy time, etc.... my best advice is to take it one day at a time, one problem at a time and know that you can and will work it out. Sounds like with the counseling, you've already began that road.

TheOtherJacobsons · July 2014

You are definitely not the only one that bottles stuff up and then has a full scale meltdown. It took a lot of work on my part to communicate before that happens, but now me and DH have excellent communication. We're not perfect by any means, but we do talk stuff out and that really helps a lot. I know that I used to create these scenarios in my mind around things that had happened and was convinced that he was deliberately being a jerk. This was something I learned from my mother. It clicked one day when he said, "Do you honestly think that I would go out of my way to hurt you?" The answer was simple, no. That put things into perspective for me. Not sure if you do that too, but I think that part of bottling things up means that you have a lot of time in your head.

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Update: I just need to put all of this stress...(long)

Re: Update: I just need to put all of this stress...(long)

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