New here, looking into foster to adopt

olp920 · July 2014

Hi everyone,
I am not sure if I have ever posted on this board before, but I think I will be starting the adoption process soon and would love some words of wisdom or a place to ask questions, as I don't have friends with experience here. I believe that foster to adopt could be for us. I have an almost 2 year old biological son. We would be asking to start with children under 1, knowing that the wait will be longer than if we were open to all ages.
The only part I am hesitant about is that I work full time along with my husband. My mother watches my son while I am at work. She is extremely loving and capable, but I worry that in a foster type situation I should really be able to spend more time with a baby, that they may need more of my time and attention. I don't mean to offend any other working foster/adoptive parents, it's just a fear that is nagging at me... Maybe someone here has been through this already and can offer some insight.

Wish Upon A Star · July 2014

Hi Welcome! (Although I am pretty new here myself)

Let me start by saying that your son is adorable! I can't provide much insight into foster to adopt, my husband and I are doing DIA. I can say that this board has been a wealth of knowledge for me!

olp920 · July 2014

Thank you! I am so nervous about idea of really doing thing I am in tears all day today.

olp920 · July 2014

I figured as much. She wouldn't have any issue with jumping through hoops and doing what had to be done... I just don't know how to bring it up with out falling to pieces about it. I don't know why I'm so emotional about it lately... We haven't even put in so much as a phone call!

MaybeMommies · July 2014

My gf and I are foster parents and we both work full time. Attachment is a big deal with foster kids but it doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment with them. Adjusting your parenting style to fit the situation may be all you need. A lot physical touch, baby wearing instead of strollers, eye contact, keeping their world small, etc. There are tons of books on attachment that appropriate for foster care. Granted, you have to keep in mind the rules of your agency/state. In my county, co-sleeping is big no no. It's great for attachment if done safely but it's not allowed with fosters so do your research. All in all, you'll figure out what your child needs and you can adjust accordingly.

mysticl · July 2014

I was a foster care worker. We had lots of two parent homes where both parents worked and a ton of single parent homes where the parent worked. You need to have a child care plan in place. Your mom is a great option provided she is willing to do whatever the agency requires of her. My agency would have required a CPS check, DMV check, FBI check, CPR/First Aid training, and Crisis Intervention training and none of these were a one time deal they all had to be updated on a regular basis. If the child was ever going to stay overnight (with out you or your husband present) we would have required her to become a full fledge foster parent. You also need to take a realistic look at your work schedule and see if it is conducive to being a foster parent. In addition the regular baby appointments there will be court hearings and various other meetings (will vary by state and agency) that you and or your husband will be expected to attend. You will also have visits from a case worker (the frequency will depend on the agency) who will expect to meet with you and/or your husband. Some agencies are more flexible with their visit schedules than others. Something else to keep in mind is that you can take FMLA (provided your employer qualifies) for placement of a foster child. With all of this being said the fact that you are worried about not spending enough time with the child tells me that you will most likely do everything in your power to make it work. Look into some agencies in your area (I'm partial to private because that's where I worked but that's me) and see if there is one you are interested in working with. They will probably have some sort of information session or orientation that you can sign up for. That should give you a much better picture of what you would be getting into. We always lost a few parents after orientation.

Lacyj67 · July 2014

I am a brand new foster to adopt mom. We got certified this April and for our first foster child may 9th. Mothers day weekend. We don't have any children in the home so all our time and attention goes to our new addition. He was 8 months when we got him, severe neglect and drug exposed. He is such a blessing in our lives and we are both full time working parents. I found a In home nanny and she's great. Because if our schedules our nanny is with our baby 4 days a week 6 hours a day. He has attached so well in two months and is doing so great. It is a stressful situation and very hard at times with him going for visits with parents once a week that our social worker takes him to. It is a possibility that he could go back to one of his parents but we hope to adopt after the 6 month family reunification ends in January. It's a bumpy ride but I don't regret a thing of how we began this journey and we love this little boy to the moon and back!!!

olp920 · July 2014

MaybeMommies said:
My gf and I are foster parents and we both work full time. Attachment is a big deal with foster kids but it doesn't mean you have to spend every waking moment with them. Adjusting your parenting style to fit the situation may be all you need. A lot physical touch, baby wearing instead of strollers, eye contact, keeping their world small, etc. There are tons of books on attachment that appropriate for foster care. Granted, you have to keep in mind the rules of your agency/state. In my county, co-sleeping is big no no. It's great for attachment if done safely but it's not allowed with fosters so do your research. All in all, you'll figure out what your child needs and you can adjust accordingly.

Thank you for the advice -do you have books to suggest that you used personally?

olp920 · July 2014

mysticl said:
I was a foster care worker. We had lots of two parent homes where both parents worked and a ton of single parent homes where the parent worked. You need to have a child care plan in place. Your mom is a great option provided she is willing to do whatever the agency requires of her. My agency would have required a CPS check, DMV check, FBI check, CPR/First Aid training, and Crisis Intervention training and none of these were a one time deal they all had to be updated on a regular basis. If the child was ever going to stay overnight (with out you or your husband present) we would have required her to become a full fledge foster parent. You also need to take a realistic look at your work schedule and see if it is conducive to being a foster parent. In addition the regular baby appointments there will be court hearings and various other meetings (will vary by state and agency) that you and or your husband will be expected to attend. You will also have visits from a case worker (the frequency will depend on the agency) who will expect to meet with you and/or your husband. Some agencies are more flexible with their visit schedules than others. Something else to keep in mind is that you can take FMLA (provided your employer qualifies) for placement of a foster child. With all of this being said the fact that you are worried about not spending enough time with the child tells me that you will most likely do everything in your power to make it work. Look into some agencies in your area (I'm partial to private because that's where I worked but that's me) and see if there is one you are interested in working with. They will probably have some sort of information session or orientation that you can sign up for. That should give you a much better picture of what you would be getting into. We always lost a few parents after orientation.

Thank you for all of that info! Is it acceptable that only one foster parent makes it to the appointments/court dates? I think between the 2 of us we could make it work... Do you usually have a few days notice for those appointments? Or usually very last minute?

olp920 · July 2014

Lacyj67 said:
I am a brand new foster to adopt mom. We got certified this April and for our first foster child may 9th. Mothers day weekend. We don't have any children in the home so all our time and attention goes to our new addition. He was 8 months when we got him, severe neglect and drug exposed. He is such a blessing in our lives and we are both full time working parents. I found a In home nanny and she's great. Because if our schedules our nanny is with our baby 4 days a week 6 hours a day. He has attached so well in two months and is doing so great. It is a stressful situation and very hard at times with him going for visits with parents once a week that our social worker takes him to. It is a possibility that he could go back to one of his parents but we hope to adopt after the 6 month family reunification ends in January. It's a bumpy ride but I don't regret a thing of how we began this journey and we love this little boy to the moon and back!!!

That is a touching story - I hope things work out for the best! That seems so quick to get a placement, is that the norm? I am looking to do 1 and under because my son is not even 2 yet.

mysticl · July 2014

olp920 said:

I was a foster care worker. We had lots of two parent homes where both parents worked and a ton of single parent homes where the parent worked. You need to have a child care plan in place. Your mom is a great option provided she is willing to do whatever the agency requires of her. My agency would have required a CPS check, DMV check, FBI check, CPR/First Aid training, and Crisis Intervention training and none of these were a one time deal they all had to be updated on a regular basis. If the child was ever going to stay overnight (with out you or your husband present) we would have required her to become a full fledge foster parent. You also need to take a realistic look at your work schedule and see if it is conducive to being a foster parent. In addition the regular baby appointments there will be court hearings and various other meetings (will vary by state and agency) that you and or your husband will be expected to attend. You will also have visits from a case worker (the frequency will depend on the agency) who will expect to meet with you and/or your husband. Some agencies are more flexible with their visit schedules than others. Something else to keep in mind is that you can take FMLA (provided your employer qualifies) for placement of a foster child. With all of this being said the fact that you are worried about not spending enough time with the child tells me that you will most likely do everything in your power to make it work. Look into some agencies in your area (I'm partial to private because that's where I worked but that's me) and see if there is one you are interested in working with. They will probably have some sort of information session or orientation that you can sign up for. That should give you a much better picture of what you would be getting into. We always lost a few parents after orientation.
Thank you for all of that info! Is it acceptable that only one foster parent makes it to the appointments/court dates? I think between the 2 of us we could make it work... Do you usually have a few days notice for those appointments? Or usually very last minute?

In my experience, yes. Of course I cannot speak for every single court and agency out there. Obviously you will both need to be at the adoption hearing if you are able to adopt. In the early days of the placement you probably won't have a lot of notice of meetings because there are certain things that have to happen within so many days of a removal or things that may have been scheduled prior to you being in the picture. After that all the various courts and agencies I worked with would schedule the next meeting/hearing at the end of the one we were participating in so we would usually have anywhere from 30 days to 6 months notice. The courts wouldn't give us any input on the date, we were expected to make it work but the other agencies would allow us some input but the meetings do often have to happen within a specific time frame. So you might not be able to pick the day, but you would have your choice of times.

MaybeMommies · July 2014

I'm not sure if I'm getting these names right. It's been so long since I read any books but The Connected Child? Maybe...There's also one called something like Loving the Hurt Child? I think there are some listed in the FAQs. Really anything about attachment parenting would work. Minus co sleeping and co-bathing (at least here in my state/county). If you're into really scientific stuff, you can read anything about the studies of Harry Harlow. He was a psychologist who studied attachment in monkeys. His work won't give parenting tips but it explains the psychological and innate needs of humans. I'm a therapist so that type of stuff is more my thing.

fernane · July 2014

Our agency gave us The Connected Child by Karen Purvis and it was a great read. I used to be a case worker and am now a foster/adopt parent myself, and there are many, many foster parents who work full time. I don't work outside the home, but I can imagine your worry..if you are able to take any time off when you get a placement, I would encourage that. Even if it's just a few days. The policies and expectations vary state to state and even county to county within a state. I am in TX where the county my placements have come from don't expect foster parents to be in court, and children are not allowed in court. In the county I used to work in, however, the judge required at least one foster parent and each child be in court at every hearing so she could talk to everyone. If you can find a support group in your area, I'm sure you will learn a wealth of information about the system in your area and get some needed support from experienced foster parents.

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