Blended Families

Advice for my mom about our blended family?

Hi everyone, I'm a first time poster. I'm writing for some advice for my own mom. 
Background: Mom is 60, one child (me), 25. Her DH is 57, with SD 27, SS 23, SS 16. My BF divorced Mom 20 years ago and she has been a single parent since. DH is a widower, BM passed away 6 years ago, and he has also been a single parent since. 
Mom and DH met 4 years ago. Myself, SD and older SS had all left the nest when Mom and DH moved in together a year later. Mom and DH have been full time parents to youngest SS from the ages of 13-16. 
She has been finding it difficult with her only child grown and married to suddenly jump back in and be a parent to a teenager. SS has been (understandably!) unhappy, jealous and at best ambivalent to DH's relationship with my mom. 
She is a great parent and has worked her magic, fostering a close friendship between SS and her friend's son (currently SS's only friendship), getting SS involved in several sports, taking SS and his friends camping, arranging for him to attend grief counselling, and encouraging him to attend speech therapy for a longtime issue with some speech sounds. 
She accepts that SS does not owe her his love or gratitude for her parenting. She strongly feels that he does owe her respect that she is not getting. 
However, this is extremely complicated by DH's overprotectiveness of SS due to his grief and guilt over BM's loss. DH becomes defensive when it is suggested that SS needs to take responsibility for his behaviour. DH has even requested that my mom not do any parenting of his son- he requested that she not remind SS to do his chores and not have a discussion with SS when he is rude to her, a friend, or a family member. Rather, DH wants to be the one to take on those responsibilities. Of course, I am not there when these incidents occur and I do not know the whole story, but it sounds like there have been repeated incidents when SS has behaved inappropriately with my mom, her family members, and friends. DH, rather than discussing the behaviour with SS to explain why it was hurtful and have SS apologize, has instead defended SS and blamed the other party for the incident. 
So, my mom and DH have some stuff to work out. They both came into this relationship in their mid-late fifties and obviously they both have baggage. 
Setting that aside, my mom and SS need to improve their relationship. 
Do any of you have a similar difficult relationship with an older stepchild? Any insight into the perspective of a 16yo who lost his mom at 10 and lives with a fairly conservative, strict stepmom, and is acting out at her family and her friends? Advice for my mom, or even for me? 
I have a guarded but positive relationship with my stepbrother; we have never lived together, but since he knows I am close with my mom he has never felt comfortable to open up to me about anything. On the other hand, sensing his discomfort, I have never asked. 

Re: Advice for my mom about our blended family?

  • I was that kid! I moved in with my dad and step mom when I was 13 and lived with them until I went off to college. I agree with your step dad. Your mom shouldn't say anything to ss because it only builds resentment. I hated it when I was recieving it but now that I'm older I understand why. This is a hurting kid. Regardless of why this home came together this kid is going to be hurting and bc he's a kid he will unfairly place blame on your mom for every little thing. Everything will be her fault. Even if she is just asking him to pick up his dirty dishes or whatever.

    I fell the most important thing is to try and foster a relationship between him and your mom. It may be a very distant one but it will grow with time and keep him from hating her when he's older.

    I think his dad should make sure he knows what the house rules and expectations are (set forth by both your mom and step dad) and if your mom has any problems along the way then she needs to let your step dad know and he needs to be the one to speak to ss. My dad would tell me that it was my step mom who had the issue but he was always the one to ground me, punish me, talk to me, whatever. He would also let me know that he agreed that my behavior or lack of chores whatever was out of line. I also have 2 step sisters(older 10-12ish when dad and step mom married) and this is how they parented them as well. If my dad had an issue with them he would tell my step mom and she would address the issue with them. They see my dad as their dad (their real dad is distant)

    Today my step mom and I get along good. She not my best friend or anything but bc we get along family functions aren't weird, and I have a very strong relationship with me dad. I do ask her advice from time to time. Hope this helps
  • Thanks Mkherren. I'm so glad to hear from someone who experienced a similar situation and came out with a positive relationship with their stepparent. 
    You hit the nail on the head, my mom (and my whole family) need to remember that this kid is hurting and his behaviour is coming from the hurt- it's not about my mom and she cannot take it personally. Because he is a kid, he does not have the self awareness to analyze his emotions or the control to independently moderate his behaviour while he is experiencing those strong emotions. Like all kids he needs parental support to figure out those things and as you say, it's absolutely got to come from his dad. 
    I think my mom compares SS to me too much. If DH has an issue with his SD(me), we would all expect him to take it up with me directly. This is a totally inappropriate comparison for her to make for several reasons- most importantly because I am an adult, but also because my stepdad has never been in a position of power over me, since I was already 21 and living on my own when I first met him. SS might be over six feet tall, but he really is still a kid.
    I'm not sure how my mom and DH are going to work out their differing (read: light years apart) parenting styles and opinions but that is something every blended family has to do, and it's not my place to interfere as I don't live under their roof. 
    Mkherren, I had never thought of it this way before, you really gave me something to think about when you said that all of this- the emotions, the behaviour, the birth parent being the one to enforce house rules- is going to be involved 'regardless of why this home came together'. I hope that this idea will help my mom realize she is not alone with her parenting challenges. 
    I think my mom needs to remember that this will pass, especially as my stepbrother is now 16 and maturing more every day. 
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  • I'm glad I could help!! Like I said I thought it was dumb when my dad would tell me my step mom was upset with something I did our didn't do but as I got older I saw how vital it was to keeping me from holding grudges against her. I hope you family is able to work this out!!!
  • Its awful that SS lost his mom but if he's having trouble coping he needs to see a therapist to help him sort out his feelings.

    Your mom and her DH have serious problems if she isn't even allowed to politely remind SS to do his chores. WTF. This is ridiculous. He could probably use some help too.

    I get that SS is hurting but the answer is not to let him be spoiled and horrible to everyone. These are important years where teenagers are preparing for adulthood. He cannot go to college or a job acting like this and he won't know any different.

    Therapy for everyone so they can learn how to relate to each other.
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  • I don't claim that my advice is the end all be all for everyone. It's just that advice based on my experiences and it worked for our blended family when I was growing up. And I personally think it can work for other families as well which is why I gave it. The same reason you gave your advice bc you think it works for your family.

  • You are right Ilumine and CurlyQ, these are the biggest worries my mom and I privately have- that SS, basically through not having consistent parental guidance, will develop persisting behaviour patterns that will serve him ill as an adult. 

    CurlyQ, yup, mom and DH do have their fair share of struggles. To be clear, my mom listens to her own conscience and does instruct SS both on the little things and on the big things, especially when Daddy isn't around. Unfortunately DH sometimes disagrees with the judgment my  mom had made in the moment and does undermine her authority. I don't know for sure, but I would be surprised if SS was not taking advantage of this. All in all, DH, SS and my mom seem to have a strange, shifting dynamic. Calmness is elusive in their household, it isn't long after the dust has settled from the last issue when something new arises. Being a confidante I hear more bad than good, and I realize that their relationship is much more balanced than it appears to me from the outside. So, I am confirming and validating your point. That being said, mom and DH are grown, mature adults sharing a complex relationship, each with life experiences that I cannot relate to. They will (or won't) work things out between the two of them on their own. I am not one to judge or assume that I could do any better. Although I did describe some of the odder dynamics of their division of parenting responsibilities in my original post for background information, my intent was to generate some discussion and insight around how my mom can improve her relationship with my stepbrother. 

    Ilumine, thanks for the label 'child-centric'. It's great to have a label for the approach that (it seems to me) my stepdad is using. My mom can look into the information on this and other, more appropriate parenting styles, maybe encourage DH to read up with her on family dynamics, and be better informed and equipped in her interactions with SS and discussions with DH. 

    Mkherren, I agree and appreciate that all of us here are giving advice and opinions based on the best of our own knowledge and experience. Ilumine, it sounds like you were taken aback by an opinion that conflicted with your own. I appreciated the thoughtful and well informed content of your comment. I'd like to keep the tone of this thread positive and compassionate. 
  • Lavender PLavender P member
    edited July 2014
    I have not posted on the bump in months, so you can take my advice or leave it. I read this post and it literally made my blood pressure rise thinking of the dynamic in your mom's household. First off, regardless of what your mom's SS (your SB) has been through, no child should ever have the power to regulate an adult's behavior. Your mother has a right to insist on some sort of defined standards of living in her (shared with SF) household. I come from a "it takes a village to raise a child' mindset and I think your SB is going to need a village. In our house, any adult has the right to correct a child as long as it is reasonable. The idea that your mom is supposed ignore any sort of negative behavior by her SS is just setting him up to be a disaster as an adult. I get why your SF is being careful due to SS's enormous loss but he is essentially giving him a free pass for life on bad behavior. Your SB needs a therapist to talk to and your mom and SF need marriage counseling. If my DH and I disagree on parenting, whether for SS or DS, we talk about it and find a way that is acceptable for both of us. Your mom is essentially put in a lose lose situation where SS is going to walk all over her and eventually resent the fact she didn't "try" harder to help him when he was struggling. She shouldn't try to replace his mom, but she has a right to be respected in her own house.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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