WWA14D? Sister Issues (Sooo Long)

edoliesmom · July 2014

I mentioned a week or two ago in RTT that my 18 year old sister who has a 15 month old daughter is now pregnant again with her second. I feel like a little back story is needed in order to get to the matter at hand, so I'll start there first.

A few months ago my mom admitted to her sister that she was addicted to cocaine. So she and my other aunts got my mom into a rehabilitation center where she stayed for a week (long enough to detox). They didn't have any permanent spots open until a few weeks from then. They really wanted her to go and continue getting help and stay away from her husband since he was the one that got her into doing that. My mom basically did the opposite of all of that within a week after getting out. She was living with her sister before she went to the rehab, and a few days when she got back until she decided to be with her husband again. My mom, stepdad, brother, sister, niece and stepbrother had all been living together in this shabby little barn house. When my mom got back together with her husband, they moved out into an RV park, and my sister and niece stayed at the barn house.

My sister doesn't have her diploma, she's never had a job, she doesn't have a license or a car, and she lives out in the middle of nowhere with no job opportunities in walking distance. Her daughter's father has done very little to help provide for her.

Fast forward to today, it was my first time to visit the barn house since my daughter's been born and my mom hasn't been there. There was puddles of pee and piles of poop everywhere from the dogs that stay in the house. Their A/C is out (we live in Texas where it's been getting into the 90's), and the only room that has cool air is their bedroom that has a small window unit. It probably still gets in the 80's during the hottest part of the day in there. It was filthy, and there were Lego pieces on the floor. I told my sister that her daughter is a little young for that, and she told me how she was gagging on a small piece one day. (Then why are they still on the floor?!!) There was trash, junk, food everywhere in all living areas. Piles of dishes in the kitchen, trash overflowing. Their water had been cut off for a few days, so my niece hasn't had a bath in 3-4 days. They only had a gallon of water for drinking, so I bought them a couple more. I took a video of the house while everyone was outside... I didn't really know why I did it at the time; I just did.

I'm mad at my mom for not prepping my sister for the real world, for not providing the opportunities for her to survive and thrive on her own. But I also know that my sister has to take some responsibility for some of what's been going wrong in her life.

My MIL knows what's been going on with my sister for almost as long as she's known me. Today I came home and showed her the video and told her what's been going on at their house. She said I needed to report my sister to CPS, but I don't think that's the best solution. My husband and I are wanting to get my sister into some kind of crisis center, and we also looked into something on the CPS website that provides counseling and other services to help families care for themselves and their children in a way that tries to prevent them from being taken out of custody. We would like to get something like that set up for her, but it would require her to be willing and to make it work. She seems to make enemies anywhere she goes, so I'm worried she would get herself kicked out of a place like a crisis center, or that she would prove to CPS that she's not a fit mother. I'm wanting to tell her if we end up doing this that she needs to make it work or that we won't have any other choices but to report her. I would, of course, work on the wording, but that would be the gist of it.

Does this sound like an okay plan? What would you do in my situation? Do you have any suggestions, additions, improvements, or any other advice?

ETA: I originally went into the house to pick up the Lego pieces out if my niece's reach, and the video was an afterthought. I didn't want y'all to think I just left them there.

Calla123 · July 2014

That's tough....I would say that I would call CPS right away anonymously because I wouldn't want my niece raised like that....but then I'm not entirely sure if it is anonymous and I'm not sure how I would feel about doing that to my sister. I think I would keep reminding myself to put my niece first. If you suggest it to your sister she may resent you and then if you call CPS she would know it was you. In my experience with volunteering with CPS they do everything they can to work with families before removing the child (this is canada though). Good luck...you are in such a tricky position

KarenEliza · July 2014

I'm so sorry. I think the best thing is to call CPS and get their advice. Do not tell them your's or your sister's name or they may be legally obligated to act.

LaNorte · July 2014

Wow, I think you are doing EXACTLY the right thing and you have a great plan. I think a lot of people will say to call CPS right away, but I think your plan of trying to provide other resources to your sister first is a much better approach. My only advice would be that if she does react poorly or doesn't follow through with improving her situation, you shouldn't hesitate to report. But your idea to give HER the control to make changes first is very smart.

Teresa1896 · July 2014

In our county we have early intervention services, which are more preventative in order to give some extra support before the family is in crisis. And theyre voluntary.
It sounds like that may be what your family needs. However, a lot of CPS programs won't assist families until they're actually in the system, which is scary for them. They don't want to volunteer to work with CPS, ya know?
Another thought- Could she apply for TANF or some other assistance program that provides case mgmt services?
If you feel the child is truly in danger and living in unsafe and unsanitary conditions, then call and report them. But just know that once you call, how CPS responds and what they do is totally out of your hands, and it's also confidential.

zoopsiedaisy · July 2014

Call CPS and let them investigate and decide which program is best for your niece. I'm a mandated reporter in Louisiana and even if we have no evidence of neglect and a child states it or we suspect for any reason, big or small, we have to report by law. In fact, all people are essentially mandated after the Penn State case. From what you are saying, you have no doubt there is neglect going on. You are the only voice for this child. ANd keep in mind, having a child removed permanently is very rare and difficult even in clear cut cases of abuse. That is not the goal of CPS. It is to make sure her children are safe and they will help her get the help she needs as a young mother. I'm so sorry you have to make this decision but think about how much worse it will be if you don't and something really bad happens to your niece. Advocate for her and your sister. You are seeing the problem clearly. She is not. You will be doing her a favor.

edoliesmom · July 2014

For those suggesting calling CPS immediately, do you have siblings? If so, do you think you could honestly do that so easily if you were in my situation? I'm genuinely asking. I feel like I would be betraying her somehow. I know my niece's safety and well-being is the most important thing in this situation, but part of me wants to make sure I don't permanently ruin my relationship with my sister. (I think one way or another it would be found out it was me who called CPS.) But that makes me feel selfish that I'm worrying about that to the point of not immediately calling someone to intervene. I feel so torn...

zoopsiedaisy · July 2014

I honestly could call on any of my siblings, especially now that I have a child of my own. You have an opportunity to be the voice for your niece when she does not have one. I also have years of experience with CPS and I wish people would see them for what they are, which is an opportunity for help. If you work with them the caseworker can be a blessing. They want families to remain intact. Please think about your niece. Do it for her. Your sister is I need of major intervention and is lucky that you are seeing her need clearly. You can be the catalyst that changes their lives. Will she be mad if she finds out. Yes. But that is nothing compared to that little girl living like that for one more day.

Bluebird2318 · July 2014

SLSchuerg said:

For those suggesting calling CPS immediately, do you have siblings? If so, do you think you could honestly do that so easily if you were in my situation? I'm genuinely asking. I feel like I would be betraying her somehow. I know my niece's safety and well-being is the most important thing in this situation, but part of me wants to make sure I don't permanently ruin my relationship with my sister. (I think one way or another it would be found out it was me who called CPS.) But that makes me feel selfish that I'm worrying about that to the point of not immediately calling someone to intervene. I feel so torn...

I do have siblings and I could honestly say that I would call CPS right away. (Either that or I would offer to take my niece into my own home while my sister sought help. If she refused that option, then I would call CPS at that point.) I would absolutely 100% risk my relationship with my sibling if my helpless niece or nephew was living in filth (you mentioned animal waste) and potentially in danger (you mentioned the Lego incidents). I would never forgive myself if something happened to a child because I didn't act. Your sister would never forgive herself either, and I guarantee you are being a better sister by acting to preserve her child's welfare than you would be by acting to preserve your relationship with her. Do everything you can to get help for your sister, but protect your niece first.

LittleLady77 · July 2014

I don't have a sister and I have no idea what I would do in your situation but I know I would do something. I'm so sorry you are being put in this situation. Good luck in whatever you decide.

spocker · July 2014

Please do call. Yes I would call if I had a concern re: a sibling's child. As others have said, CPS's goal is to keep families intact if at all possible.

Your sister and niece clearly need help. CPS has the structures in place to help them and check in with them afterward.

I do not think you will regret reporting your concerns. But unfortunately you might have cause to regret it if you did not call.

edoliesmom · July 2014

I guess I didn't realize how helpful CPS can be. It's portrayed in such a negative light in the media, and working in childcare, it always seemed like this big, scary thing that you didn't want to have to resort to.

I'm going to talk everything that y'all have suggested over with my husband, and we'll decide something tomorrow.

I agree that being up front with her would be a good idea, and after I know a bit more about CPS and how they work, I'll feel better prepared about the conversation I might have with her. Any suggestions on what I should definitely say, or any encouraging success stories that you know of personally? Any resources I can utilize to find out more info?

Thank you everyone for your honesty, concern and advice!

zoopsiedaisy · July 2014

aviola329 said:
I am CPS. CALL. I honestly don't care if you tell your sister, you can decide what you think will be best for your family and relationship....but you have to call. Don't make that a last resort. Hell I'm a mandated reporter, send me her info and I'll call it in...or have your mil who already knows the situation call. CPS can help provide the help your sister needs...a call does not automatically mean the child(ren) involved will be removed but it does mean that someone in authority knows their situation and can make sure they're safe.

This. There really isn't a conversation to be had or a decision to make. Just please make the call. Or let your mil do it. Or one of us. Just get the children the help they need.

allyandmike24 · July 2014

Yes, I have siblings. Yes, I would call if I thought that there was even a tiny chance that those kids are at risk.

I worry about the no water thing way and the hot house thing way more than anything else. If there aren't enough resources to supply adequate drinking/bathing water, that's a problem. Young kids sleeping in a hot house are at a higher risk for SIDS, too.

Also- your sister is pregnant and CPS could potentially get her in touch with WIC or some other program that can give her access to nutritious food for her family/resources to keep herself healthy.

It sounds like a really complicated situation and I'm geniunely sorry that you're having to deal with all of it. Those kids/your sister are really lucky to have you, even if they don't immediately realize it.

BeckyF82 · July 2014

The way I see it is its a choice between two options and their outcomes:

1) Make the call. CPS get involved. Your sister might not like it or you but the children will be safe and will know you tried to help. Things will improve for them.

2) Don't make the call. Your sister does not hate you. The children might continue to be neglected. They may become malnourished, too hot, etc. The result could be some form of illness or even death. At best they grow up and remember their childhoods being pretty shitty and that no one did anything to help. If the worst did happen, you would have to live with the fact that you did nothing.

I think option one is the only one I could live with. X

rockstarlaw · July 2014

I have a sibling and I don't doubt for a second that I would call CPS if my niece was living in filth. We have called on my cousin before. I would get the authorities involved & do everything I could to legally take the child myself. I understand that's not an option for everyone....but even if she wasn't with me I would want her in a safe, clean, healthy environment where she is safe and has the best chance at a good life. And the fact is CPS usually tries to keep the family together, they can provide services and help. It doesn't automatically mean the child is going to be removed from the home.

rtv3 · July 2014

So many prayers for you, your sister, and especially your little niece! What a difficult situation for all of you. I think talking to her is a good first step. Keep the communication open, do call CPS if doesn't take immediate steps to remedy the situation, and if she does end up hating you, that sadly is the price for keeping that little girl safe.

In the meantime, can you bring them to your house for a bit, to shower and clean up, while YH maybe cleans up the dog poop at least?

Big, big hugs - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this

Jessimax · July 2014

Living in Quebec, I don't know what the American CPS system is like, but here its not like they barge in and remove kids from parents. That is the absolute last resort. Your sister obviously needs help and they can supply it. I would not feel bad calling, or telling her I am calling. It's not a punishment, you are helping her help her family.

Roufi · July 2014

So many thoughtful, informative and helpful responses. Yes I would call.

I'm so sorry that your family, and especially the actions needed to protect your niece AND to help your sister (even if she might not see it that way) are causing you so much heartache, but knowing even the little that I do about you, I have no doubt that you will be the best possible advocate for their safety and wellbeing. *hugs*

speechie517 · July 2014

I'm also a mandated reporter and have siblings. I would make the call, no questions asked, and I would also do some research to help her out. Help her reach out to other resources such as WIC, TANF, job training and parenting classes.

rockstarlaw · July 2014

AprilMay9 said:
What makes you think this time will be different? Your sister has a long pattern of not taking responsibility so as I see it you are already at a last resort. This isn't a situation beyond your sisters control or as a result of her poverty (to a certain extent) - she is letting her kid choke on Legos and live with excrement all around her.

I know it is hard to get authorities involved on a family member but I have been there. You are coming from a place of love and concern and someday your sister will see that.

This. Or, God forbid, what of something terrible happens to your niece in the interim? You would hate yourself for not calling. Sorry to be Debbie Downer there, I empathize with this terrible situation you are in and applaud you for wanting to help - but these organizations are there to help & protect kids. Let them do that. Make the call. Someone needs to speak up for your niece, and apparently it's not going to be her mother who is going to be her best advocate right now, so maybe it should be you.

ambarnett1 · July 2014

KendraColeslaw said:
I have 3 siblings. I would still call CPS, but I would actually tell my brother or sister I was going to do it. No anonymity. I would tell them that their living conditions are not suitable or safe and that I was going to contact someone who could help. Work through it with her, not against her.

I would do the same.

nicole mackenzie · July 2014

SLSchuerg said:
For those suggesting calling CPS immediately, do you have siblings? If so, do you think you could honestly do that so easily if you were in my situation? I'm genuinely asking. I feel like I would be betraying her somehow. I know my niece's safety and well-being is the most important thing in this situation, but part of me wants to make sure I don't permanently ruin my relationship with my sister. (I think one way or another it would be found out it was me who called CPS.) But that makes me feel selfish that I'm worrying about that to the point of not immediately calling someone to intervene. I feel so torn...

Yes, I'd call CPS on my sister in that situation. She's in a crisis situation and she needs help. It's not healthy or safe for her let alone her child.

CPS should help her and her child get the help and support they need.

Alternatively you could try to find services available to your sister.

Alert the water company that their is an infant in the household. I know in my state they can't shut off heat in the winter perhaps there is a rule like that?

Help by cleaning up the house and get the family members to pay her bills until she gets in touch with services to help her.

Or have her move in with you and help her learn to survive and thrive.

She's likely scared and lonely and doesn't know how or didn't think she can make things better for herself.

If you and/or your family can't help her then you need to let CPS help her. Being afraid to hurt the relationship is not a good reason not to act.

*sparky* · July 2014

I have to agree with @KendraColeslaw‌ . I would report to CPS and I would tell her I did. Their job is to help families in situations like this. Make sure your sister knows you are trying to help her and her babies. She also needs to be getting good prenatal care for her current pregnancy and these do not sound like healthy living conditions for a pregnant woman.

Truly sorry you are dealing with this. What a difficult situation.

edoliesmom · July 2014

@BeckyF82 "At best they grow up and remember their childhoods being pretty shitty and that no one did anything to help." Thank you, that's exactly what I needed to read. That's how my brother and sister grew up, and it breaks my heart every time I think about how they just had no other option and were doomed to live the life my mom made for them. I don't want the same for my niece and future niece/nephew.

@rtv3 The reason I was over there yesterday is because my brother was moving back into that house. He said he would be doing some deep cleaning. My sister's boyfriend and our stepbrother live there too, but they're basically good for nothing I guess. My mom got their water turned back on today, thank the Lord. I told my dad about it, and he gave me some money today. I'm going to keep it in case they need anything in the future.

I talked with a friend who's in school to be a social worker. She made me feel pretty good about this being the right thing to do and gave me some tips and advice. A lot of y'all did too though. Thank you so much. I'm going to make the call today, and I'm going to talk with my sister about it. Prayers and good thoughts would be greatly appreciated for the conversation we'll have, and for the long road ahead of all of us.

zoopsiedaisy · July 2014

Good for you! This is a tough situation and it needs a hero. You are doing the right thing no matter how your sister reacts now. Trust that she is going to understand one day. And know that this little girl and the baby on the way will be endlessly grateful that you were their voice!!

rtv3 · July 2014

I think you are definitely making the right call! Lots of prayers and creepy internet hugs

nicole mackenzie · July 2014

I'm glad you're calling. T&P's that things go well

Bluebird2318 · July 2014

Good for you and more power to you! You are doing the right thing being a voice for that child (and the one on the way).

*sparky* · July 2014

Such a difficult decision but you are doing the right thing. Your sister and niece are lucky to have you.

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