Split finances with new baby?

VTKatie · July 2014

DH and I just recently got married. We have yet to combine finances. He has some debt from his divorce several years ago that he wants to finish paying off before we combine things. I don't mind and money has never been a point of contention in our relationship. With the baby, thing are starting to get more complicated (insurance, daycare, diapers, etc). Does anyone else maintain separate finances with SO? How do you go about managing things?

mamaloaf · July 2014

Having debt from his divorce really isn't a reason to not merge your financial lives. I was pretty terrified to merge money with DH when we got married. I have my way of doing things that worked for me and I didn't want to have to change that. Merging our money and letting that control go was one of the best decisions I made. I'd encourage you guys to explore his reasons further and see if there's a mutual resolution. Perhaps you guys have your money go into a primary house operating account and then you each have some go into a separate account (which he could use to pay ex-related obligations)?

honeybee434 · July 2014

If it were me, I would combine them and work on paying off the debt together since essentially it has an impact on you whether you combine finances or not, just to make things easier. BUT, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, then I would maybe have a separate find that you both put $ into for baby expenses. Figure out how much you will need in there, and then how much each of you will contribute, and set it aside whether that means with cash, with a separate banking account, etc. I imagine that could get really hard as expenses come up, like dr bills, etc, but doable as long as you each have the expectations that the amount needed each month/time period can continue to grow.

BBColt78 · July 2014

DH and I do not combine finances...we've been married for seven years and are going on kid number two.

To start... DH and I both like to buy what we want and don't want anyone to answer to. I earned two master's degrees to make the money that I make and really don't want to feel like I can't buy stuff I don't need, but want. If I want to waste my own money, I will. Dh likes to buy motorcycles and what he wants. This works very, very well... for us!

The key to financing this way. First, we never argue about money. I make more than DH so I put more money into our joint account. The joint account is where we pay for any "house account" expenses. Groceries, bills, out to dinner as a family, etc all come out of this account. If we have a night out, we both transfer more money into the house account to cover it. So each time we get paid, we each have a set amount that we put in. The house account makes it feel more like joint finances as opposed to "you pay the mortgage and I'll pay the car payments." That sort of divides things. Bills like my student loan and his motorcycle and four wheeler are paid out of our own accounts.

The key to separate accounts is to not get all penny for penny. I think a joint account is the way to go where you are both putting money in. Again, since I make a bit more, I tend to buy a lot of the kids' stuff that isn't really necessary. Diapers, formula, etc are paid for from the joint account.

Insurance.... If one of you pays from your account from your job, the other can transfer that much more into the joint account. So if your SO pays $350 for the family insurance from this check, you can transfer your half. We actually don't count insurance. It comes out of both of our checks. The family is all covered on mine and DH carries me on his insurance because his job had the infertility benefits that we needed

Yes, people think this is weird. We think it's genius. If it works for you guys, go for it. We meant to combine finances when we got married and it just kept working for us!

Edit: When you say you have two masters, you should proof read your post.

marsalisails · July 2014

Our finances are together now, but when we were first living together we started a joint checking account where we would direct deposit enough out of both of our paychecks to cover all of our joint living expenses (rent, utilities, etc.). Then we each had our own separate checking and savings accounts.

Maybe if you sat down and did a budget of what all of those joint things/baby things cost, would could just make sure you had enough in that account to cover and you could both access it.

pjaimeal · July 2014

BBColt78 said:

DH and I do not combine finances...we've been married for seven years and are going on kid number two.

To start... DH and I both like to buy what we want and don't want anyone to answer to. I earned two master's degrees to make the money that I make and really don't want to feel like I can't buy stuff I don't need, but want. If I want to waste my own money, I will. Dh likes to buy motorcycles and what he wants. This works very, very well... for us!

The key to financing this way. First, we never argue about money. I make more than DH so I put more money into our joint account. The joint account is where we pay for any "house account" expenses. Groceries, bills, out to dinner as a family, etc all come out of this account. If we have a night out, we both transfer more money into the house account to cover it. So each time we get paid, we each have a set amount that we put in. The house account makes it feel more like joint finances as opposed to "you pay the mortgage and I'll pay the car payments." That sort of divides things. Bills like my student loan and his motorcycle and four wheeler are paid out of our own accounts.

The key to separate accounts is to not get all penny for penny. I think a joint account is the way to go where you are both putting money in. Again, since I make a bit more, I tend to buy a lot of the kids' stuff that isn't really necessary. Diapers, formula, etc are paid for from the joint account.

Insurance.... If one of you pays from your account from your job, the other can transfer that much more into the joint account. So if your SO pays $350 for the family insurance from this check, you can transfer your half. We actually don't count insurance. It comes out of both of our checks. The family is all covered on mine and DH carries me on his insurance because his job had the infertility benefits that we needed

Yes, people think this is weird. We think it's genius. If it works for you guys, go for it. We meant to combine finances when we got married and it just kept working for us!

Edit: When you say you have two masters, you should proof read your post.

This.

DH and I do the same thing. We have different spending habits so it works really well for us. The only difference is that we put in the same amount. The joint account is used for purchasing groceries, utilities, mortgage, etc. We "replenish" the joint account when it gets low with matching amounts. I, personally, would not have it any other way. Especially because I am the type of person that likes to buy things that DH might not justify as a "need". He is very frugal with his money and likes to save it. Any necessities for baby come out of the joint account. If I want to buy baby Chicco overalls and Toms (even though he has plenty of clothes already), then I buy it with my money.

ghostof5letters · July 2014

We do everything BBColt78 does...to the point that I'm slightly confused that she may actually be a split personality of mine.

brittany&dain · July 2014

DH and I have combined incomes but definitely make sure you work things out beforehand because you don't want to resent him if you feel you are spending more or buying most of the necessitates

kwh33ls · July 2014

We work very similarly to @BBColt78. If either of us gets a windfall, it goes in the joint account, from which we pay any shared expenses as well as household purchases (like baby stuff, new TV, unexpected car repairs). I have crushing student loan debt, and we are both coming from previous marriages, so this has worked really well for us...we still can spend at will, but are both responsible for contributions to the joint account every paycheck.

Shelleybell · July 2014

BBColt78 said:

DH and I do not combine finances...we've been married for seven years and are going on kid number two.

To start... DH and I both like to buy what we want and don't want anyone to answer to. I earned two master's degrees to make the money that I make and really don't want to feel like I can't buy stuff I don't need, but want. If I want to waste my own money, I will. Dh likes to buy motorcycles and what he wants. This works very, very well... for us!

The key to financing this way. First, we never argue about money. I make more than DH so I put more money into our joint account. The joint account is where we pay for any "house account" expenses. Groceries, bills, out to dinner as a family, etc all come out of this account. If we have a night out, we both transfer more money into the house account to cover it. So each time we get paid, we each have a set amount that we put in. The house account makes it feel more like joint finances as opposed to "you pay the mortgage and I'll pay the car payments." That sort of divides things. Bills like my student loan and his motorcycle and four wheeler are paid out of our own accounts.

The key to separate accounts is to not get all penny for penny. I think a joint account is the way to go where you are both putting money in. Again, since I make a bit more, I tend to buy a lot of the kids' stuff that isn't really necessary. Diapers, formula, etc are paid for from the joint account.

Insurance.... If one of you pays from your account from your job, the other can transfer that much more into the joint account. So if your SO pays $350 for the family insurance from this check, you can transfer your half. We actually don't count insurance. It comes out of both of our checks. The family is all covered on mine and DH carries me on his insurance because his job had the infertility benefits that we needed

Yes, people think this is weird. We think it's genius. If it works for you guys, go for it. We meant to combine finances when we got married and it just kept working for us!

Edit: When you say you have two masters, you should proof read your post.

We do all of this exactly!

littlemissmarla · July 2014

MSUDucks said:
We also do the joint house account and separate personal accounts. But slightly different. We agreed a long time ago on a paycheck "allowance" amount that is the same for each of us. So each paycheck gives my account a set amount and then the entire remainder goes to the joint account. This is the same for DH.

I would also just like to say if you look at helping to pay off his past debt sooner, that will only benefit your family in the future.

This is what we do! I think the "allowance" works out well for us, still gives us some freedom to spend money on our own things like clothes, fun stuff.. Etc- but all of our bills are coming out of our joint account. Our allowance is for fun stuff!

VTKatie · July 2014

Thanks for the feedback. Our situation is similar to @BBColt78‌, where I make more but also spend more. Until now it was NBD, as we just split the mortgage and major bills. With the arrival of LO and all the associated costs, he is no longer able to split things while continuing to pay off debt. I think what we have decided is that I will pay the mortgage/utilities while he picks up the insurance and daycare. Then we will have a joint account for groceries and stuff. Good to hear how other people have figured it out.

jrinehart0 · July 2014

My husband and I keep completely separate bank accounts. When I first moved in with him (he owns a townhouse) he continued to pay the bills and mortgage, as I just couldn't afford it. I am now making a much healthier salary so, while we keep this same arrangement, I contribute in other ways outside of bills. It tends to be split that my husband pays the mortgage and bills and any of his own spending (lunches out, intramural sports, etc) but I pay for everything else. I buy all the groceries and any meals if we eat out. I also have been buying all of the baby items. I will be the one to pay for day care when the time comes. We are also in the process of switching cable companies and I am taking care of the new bill. It works well for us. I appreciated that he really took care of me during a time I needed it and now that I am able to contribute I do. We'll see if this gets more complicated with more baby needs once she arrives, but I suspect we will be okay.

tristen33 · July 2014

We also keep our finances mostly separate. We each have a checking and have a joint savings. We split the mortgage, and break up the other bills so they are about even, DH pays daycare, I pay all other baby expenses. I pay the groceries, he pays when we go out to dinner. I pay the gas, he pays the electric and cable. We pay off our own car bills and student loans. We also put money in or take out from the joint savings as needed to even it out.

BBColt78 · July 2014

ghostof5letters said:

We do everything BBColt78 does...to the point that I'm slightly confused that she may actually be a split personality of mine.

*** finally deleted!! If you missed it, think about 24seconds of scrolling through HTML codes.

Skeemer · July 2014

Just chiming in to say reading Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" & "Financial Peace" really put us on a great path for paying off debt. We've paid off approx. $50K. While his ideas aren't for everyone there may be some things that could help. You can get a decent used copy on half.com for a good price. Sorry I don't have more advice about splitting bills though. Good luck!

BBColt78 · July 2014

HOLY HELL!!!!! You'd think I was new with that post.
It won't let me delete that shit. All that for this:

@ghostof5letters

tealowl · July 2014

S/O has money auto transferred from his bank to mine for half the shared bills (rent, utilities). We are separate with everything else, but I handle paying the household bills out of my account, it's just easier than creating a separate joint one to mess with.

We spend different, we have different debt and we're not married, so this works for right now, keeping it pretty separate.

brewbecks · July 2014

DH and I used to do separate accounts but it became more of an argument for us and tit for tat. We combined our bank accounts. He is very particular about things and handles all of the bills and finances. I can spend what I want which I rarely buy things for myself and it seems to work out really well for us. We set a certain amount aside each pay check from both of us to save as an emergency fund and another for vacations. I honestly couldn't imagine handling things again. It is so much less stressful for me that he takes care of everything. If we need to save money or watch our extra spending he just let me know to take it easy for a bit.

Good Luck sorting that all out!!

ichamommy · July 2014

Meh, I'd love to offer advice here, but this was the topic that started the fight that ultimately ended my marriage. Good luck to you and everyone else with separate finances... I won't do it again. Either all in or all out. That's my learning curve.

argonne · July 2014

DH and I have always had split finances. We have our own, seperate checking accounts. We each have our bills that we pay. He pays the mortgage and I pay the utilities, we split daycare, we each pay our own car payments, etc. People think we're weird, but it workd for us. I trust him and he trusts me.

1982Babies · July 2014

BBColt78 said:

DH and I do not combine finances...we've been married for seven years and are going on kid number two.

To start... DH and I both like to buy what we want and don't want anyone to answer to. I earned two master's degrees to make the money that I make and really don't want to feel like I can't buy stuff I don't need, but want. If I want to waste my own money, I will. Dh likes to buy motorcycles and what he wants. This works very, very well... for us!

The key to financing this way. First, we never argue about money. I make more than DH so I put more money into our joint account. The joint account is where we pay for any "house account" expenses. Groceries, bills, out to dinner as a family, etc all come out of this account. If we have a night out, we both transfer more money into the house account to cover it. So each time we get paid, we each have a set amount that we put in. The house account makes it feel more like joint finances as opposed to "you pay the mortgage and I'll pay the car payments." That sort of divides things. Bills like my student loan and his motorcycle and four wheeler are paid out of our own accounts.

The key to separate accounts is to not get all penny for penny. I think a joint account is the way to go where you are both putting money in. Again, since I make a bit more, I tend to buy a lot of the kids' stuff that isn't really necessary. Diapers, formula, etc are paid for from the joint account.

Insurance.... If one of you pays from your account from your job, the other can transfer that much more into the joint account. So if your SO pays $350 for the family insurance from this check, you can transfer your half. We actually don't count insurance. It comes out of both of our checks. The family is all covered on mine and DH carries me on his insurance because his job had the infertility benefits that we needed

Yes, people think this is weird. We think it's genius. If it works for you guys, go for it. We meant to combine finances when we got married and it just kept working for us!

Edit: When you say you have two masters, you should proof read your post.

Essentially, ditto. We've only been married two years, but getting married at 30 we were already set in our ways as far as our spending habits. DH saves more, but also will spend upwards of $2k on toys in one swoop (not lately). He enjoys his guitars, cameras, Ham radio, vehicles, etc. whereas I enjoy hitting yard sales. I was alone for a long time in paying for my mortgage, house repairs, etc. and he lived at home, so he was able to save up for things.

Long story short, when we married, I was the breadwinner, so we decided a good plan for us would be to put 50% of our net paycheck (base pay, not including holiday pay or overtime), into the joint account would work best for us. This way, if one of us makes less than the other at any time, we're not feeling so overwhelmed with the amount that goes in. He can still have his toy money and I can still have mine. Right now, I am throwing hella cash into my 403B, so I am actually getting less of my paycheck for myself after that, but I don't really care.

This plan works best for us. There's a nice buffer in the bank account. The house is now paid off since I threw excess at it (still paying myself back from that.. lol)... and we've all got food, clothes and shelter. I can't get mad at him when he buys something I think is excessive, and vice versa.

NugsMom · July 2014

Ditto @Skeemer‌'s post about Dave Ramsey. Following his advice has taken the stress out of money in our marriage and has allowed us to work on paying down debt together.

Huahine · July 2014

tundrabunny said:

Whenever I start responding to questions like this, I start getting myself all worked up into a rage thinking about my ex-husband and our financial arrangement. And then I end up deleting a few paragraphs of tundrabunny/ex-husband drama/venting that nobody really wants to hear about anyway.

So, I will just say, if what you are doing works for BOTH of you, keep at it. Also, keep communicating about it and be open to the idea of things possibly changing, especially with a baby on the way, or if one of you gets a huge raise, or loses your job, or ends up with serious health issues. I think any plan can work as long as both partners are on board with it, you're frequently communicating about money and finances openly without getting defensive (or offensive) and you realize that adjustments may need to be made down the road.

Tundra is a wise, wise woman.

Life situations change, but as long as both people in a relationship are open to discussing how to structure and restructure personal finances, it can all work out.

DH and I have been together for 19 years and we had separate finances for the first 10 of those years. Once I paid off my law school loan debt, it made sense for us (for us and to us - YMMV) to combine our finances. All of our monthly bills are automatically paid and we just find it easier to operate out of joint savings and checking accounts. But that's us.

We also have a joint investing account where the bulk of our money is, but both keep separate 401Ks, IRAs and a few other random individual accounts at different brokerages because taking the capital gains hits of liquidating those accounts just doesn't make sense.

I think this set up works for us because we have similar spending and saving habits. We're both big savers, but will both willingly spend money on interesting experiences. Neither of us would buy something big without discussing it with the other person, but we wouldn't exactly be asking for permission either - the conversation would be more of a head's up and a consultation than a "do you approve of this." 10 years of separate finances let us get to the place where this arrangement works for us now.

ADC1979 · July 2014

We also do what BBColt78 and several others do. It works really, really well for us. We each have a couple responsibilities we take care of with our own personal accounts--mainly stuff that's not 100% necessary, but nice to have. Like I pay for Pet Butler to come once a week to scoop the dog poop in our backyard. When we go out to eat on our date nights, we take turns paying for it each week. Works well for us, and this is from the perspective of someone else who has a hubby still paying off a divorce debt.

brittajeanetta · July 2014

We have separate accounts but they are both joint accounts. Work is weird can't deposit both checks into same account. We each have a set allowance each month that can be saved up for bigger purchases if we want and we can spend it on whatever we want to. Mine is usually scrapbooking stuff and my husband's is usually rc car stuff. My DH pays the mortgage, cable, internet and phone. I pay auto and life insurance, water, electric, garbage and will be paying for day care. If we are going to make a purchase larger than $100 that isn't using our play money we talk about it. I'll probably be paying for most of the baby stuff out of my account but the nice thing is if I'm running low at the end of the month I just let him know I'm transferring money from his to my account.

abrazz · July 2014

DH and I have combined finances but my sister and her husband have separate accounts and split the bills. I agree in doing whatever works well for you. DH came into the marriage with debt from his divorce (which was her debt actually) and we paid it off together. For awhile we each had a separate "fun" account but that changed when he quit work to go back to school. I think it's important to be honest and flexible so no one feels like they are carrying too much of the financial weight and being taken advantage of.

GoodStuff05 · July 2014

Similar to what others said... We have three accounts all with one bank: DH personal, me personal and joint. Our direct depost goes to personal accounts and we have a set amount that we move to joint each pay period based on our salaries. Joint pays for daycare, mortgage, groceries etc and whatever is "left over" in personal is ours to spend or move to savings.

It has worked well and generally keeps us from judging I one wants something personal (I.e. New clothes or something)

twister22 · July 2014

Everything is shared with DH and I. When we first got married he worked FT & I worked PT, then we both worked FT, now he works FT & I am a SAHM. We have a shared checking account and a shared savings account. We both have a set amount of "fun money" that we can blow and we don't have to answer to one another on what we spent it on. This works really well for us. The one PITA is that one of us really can't surprise the other with something "bigger" as a gift or whatnot because the expense would be evident in our account.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Very similar to PP's at our house. We have a joint checking where all our positive money goes- paychecks, bonus checks, side work, birthday money, christmas money- pretty much everything. From there we have a separate joint account specifically for rent/mortgage as well as a joint savings for setting aside money for things like family vacations, down payments, emergency savings etc. Then we each have our own checking and savings linked off the joint account. Each payday an "allowance" transfer happens from the joint checking into our own checking accounts and that is our "free" money- gas, lunches, zulily purchases :-) whatever I want to buy or spend money on. Weeks where things are tight but we want to go do things, perhaps dinner on a Friday night, we might both contribute funds from "our" accounts. My husband runs all the accounts, finances, bill paying etc, and then we each run our individual accounts. I find it much easier to have one person manage everything and I am comfortable with it where if I want to make a large purchase or need to put something on credit, it's a simple phone call or quick text to him.

Hopefully you find a solution that works well for both of you and that you both feel comfortable with. My suggestion would be to sit down and talk about it- maybe bring a couple ideas to the table each?

sxymamakat · July 2014

MSUDucks said:

We also do the joint house account and separate personal accounts. But slightly different. We agreed a long time ago on a paycheck "allowance" amount that is the same for each of us. So each paycheck gives my account a set amount and then the entire remainder goes to the joint account. This is the same for DH. I would also just like to say if you look at helping to pay off his past debt sooner, that will only benefit your family in the future.

Ours is like this except that we primarily use the personal accounts for things like gift giving, where having it show up on a joint account would ruin some of the surprise. We decided to combine because we both carry major student loan debt but are in good shape otherwise- we rent (sadly), but both cars are paid, only 2 credit cards and they carry a very low balance which we're paying off now, and several private loans from school paid within the past year. It's been a great arrangement, and we take a few hours twice a month to sit down and really discuss finances and where the bills are at.

This was a BIG jump for me as I was married before and we kept the money completely separate. I made more and thus paid for a LOT more and it was incredibly frustrating as his money never seemed to be directed towards anything for the house while I went months without even a haircut because I didn't have any spending money. I can't even imagine adding baby things into that chaotic mess.

Split finances with new baby?

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