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How to approach this..

BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
in September 2013 Moms
Have any of you dealt with your H getting upset at you when LO falls and hurts themselves?

LO's dad seems to think I should constantly be sitting right beside her, if she tries to pull herself up on something and cries he blames me and says I'm not watching her. I always watch her but I let her have her chance to learn and explore her world a little without being that helicopter hovering over her every move, sometimes I just can't catch her fall quick enough.

He works 50 hours a week so he's hardly ever with her. He comes home and he's always stressed out as can be so it doesn't take much to upset him. I'm just starting to resent the fact that he blames me every single time she cries. If I leave the room and she crawls towards me in the other room he gets upset and tells me to watch her. Whereas when he's at work I let her find me.. And keep an eye on her from a distance.

I don't know how to approach the situation when he blames me.. Any time I try to say something along the lines of, " I couldn't of prevented her from tipping over" or "she's gotta learn and if I always step in she won't learn" he thinks I'm "back talking." Just typing this out he sounds like a huge ass but usually he's pretty understanding, I think it's his work stress that comes into play.

How would you handle this?
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Re: How to approach this..

  • Albertsgirl1982Albertsgirl1982 member
    I don't have much advice per se but another viewpoint. I think this is a dad/daughter thing. If you had a son your partner might be telling you that you coddle him even if you treated him exactly the same way. Any other moms suspect this of their spouses? Maybe your partner thinks LO is very fragile and you can reassure him by saying "You're right. She fell down and cried a little but she's ok. I will not let anything happen to her." If you keep repeating the same over and over he might get the message.
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  • michelle7482michelle7482 member
    edited June 2014
    I'm not on top of my girls unless it looks like they could get hurt. Pulling up on a couch and falling down , nbd. But pulling up on a coffee table and possible hitting her head or mouth on table, I'm close by. I try to prevent as much as possible. My house is thoroughly baby proof from DD1. Sure kids are gonna get hurt but I do try to prevent if possible. They rely on us to keep them safe so I try to remember that.
    Eta: H and I see eye to eye on this matter. I'm home with the girls so he trusts my instincts 99% of the time. But if he thinks they should be supervised more he will speak up , and vice versa. But like I said we pretty much see eye to eye on this matter.

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  • Tally879Tally879 member
    To the comment about dads of boys and reminding moms not to coddle them.  It's totally true in our household, I'll be curious if H is the same if we have a daughter some day.  We let him experience things for himself.  The house is very baby proofed and I'm always close by, may not be arms distance but always within view.  If he falls down, he gets more cautious the next time.  H actually texted me a picture yesterday of them both frowning and LO with a red forehead because he bumped his head.  It happens, as my pedi said he's a completely mobile person with no life experience.  So we're giving him the life experience under our supervision.

    Maybe have LO's dad watch her alone to see that it's really not a big deal and they cry when they fall more because it scared them than anything else.  
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Thanks for the responses, thankfully he has a day off tomorrow so it will probably be a good idea to bring it up in a calm manner and discuss it.

    I just want to clarify if anyone read my thread thinking I meant that it's okay if she gets hurt because that is how she learns, I meant more or less that's it's okay if she explores. Her dad never wants to her pull up on stuff, he always asks me to take her away and back to sit on her foam mats. This to me is not okay, I want her to grow and learn and I feel she won't do that if all we do is sit together on her foam mats when he is around. I make sure there is nothing she can't get seriously hurt with but I can't ever even leave the room for a minute (like I usually would if he was at work) without him freaking out telling me I'm not watching her when it should be 50/50.

    It's just so frustrating. Our whole "routine" and the way we do things changes when he comes through the door to avoid upsetting him.

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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    jackdaniels13 said:

    I'm sorry you have to walk on egg shells for your husband.  That is no way to feel and you should definitely discuss this with him.  He may or may not know how you feel and how the dynamic changes around him.  Your LO will grow up and catch on to this and I'm sure you do not want that.

    In case you do not hear it enough:  GOOD JOB on being an AWESOME MOM!  You are doing great and your DD will grow and learn because of you!

    Thank you, I don't think I hear it enough. I really appreciate your kind words!

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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Thanks everyone for the good advice, I'm definitely going to take the time and go over this with him tomorrow and hope he understands where I'm coming from.
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  • RedDDDRedDDD member
    this used to happen to me ALL the time with DS who is now 2.  He would only fall on my watch.  No real advise because I would just tell DH to shut the eff up. :)  so I guess my point is that this marital argument is totally normal. 
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  • redfallonredfallon member
    If she is pulling up on things, she is SUPPOSED to be pulling up on things. That is how she learns to stand and walk. Sitting on her foam mat is not going to let her grow and develop. Maybe he should watch this: https://www.babycenter.com/2_baby-on-the-move-cruising_1487416.bc

    Jamie


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  • Salemkitty13Salemkitty13 member
    Is he worried about her getting hurt or does he just not want her to cry? Is he stressed and doesn't want to be bothered and wants you to keep her busy, quiet and out of his stuff? 
     I'm not judging him, I just want to be clear. 
    The back talk comment bothers me for reasons PP have stated. There would be a lot of laughter and eye rolling at that here.
    But I will say DH gets upset if DS falls. Especially if I was taking pics. Him taking care of DS has helped a little bc he sees how easy it is for them to fall. I have told him he should help more if he doesn't like the way I'm doing things. 
    FTR DH works 6 days a week about 60 hrs. No excuses.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Salemkitty13 said:

    Is he worried about her getting hurt or does he just not want her to cry? Is he stressed and doesn't want to be bothered and wants you to keep her busy, quiet and out of his stuff? 

     I'm not judging him, I just want to be clear. 
    The back talk comment bothers me for reasons PP have stated. There would be a lot of laughter and eye rolling at that here.
    But I will say DH gets upset if DS falls. Especially if I was taking pics. Him taking care of DS has helped a little bc he sees how easy it is for them to fall. I have told him he should help more if he doesn't like the way I'm doing things. 
    FTR DH works 6 days a week about 60 hrs. No excuses.

    I think it's a mix of not wanting to see her get hurt and a mix of being so stressed out after work that the last thing he wants to hear is her crying because she tipped over. He doesn't want her roaming around exploring he wants me to just sit with her on the floor and keep her entertained.

    He interacts with her after work and loves seeing her so I wouldn't necessarily say he wants her out of his stuff but he definitely doesn't want any part in supervising her.

    I try to explain to him that I trust my judgment call and I know how she is while keeping herself busy and not to worry. He'll be calm after work and the second she thuds from trying to crawl to fast or something it's instant pissed, accusing me of not watching her.
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  • redfallonredfallon member
    Burrberrymum said:
    Is he worried about her getting hurt or does he just not want her to cry? Is he stressed and doesn't want to be bothered and wants you to keep her busy, quiet and out of his stuff? 
     I'm not judging him, I just want to be clear. 
    The back talk comment bothers me for reasons PP have stated. There would be a lot of laughter and eye rolling at that here.
    But I will say DH gets upset if DS falls. Especially if I was taking pics. Him taking care of DS has helped a little bc he sees how easy it is for them to fall. I have told him he should help more if he doesn't like the way I'm doing things. 
    FTR DH works 6 days a week about 60 hrs. No excuses.
    I think it's a mix of not wanting to see her get hurt and a mix of being so stressed out after work that the last thing he wants to hear is her crying because she tipped over. He doesn't want her roaming around exploring he wants me to just sit with her on the floor and keep her entertained. He interacts with her after work and loves seeing her so I wouldn't necessarily say he wants her out of his stuff but he definitely doesn't want any part in supervising her. I try to explain to him that I trust my judgment call and I know how she is while keeping herself busy and not to worry. He'll be calm after work and the second she thuds from trying to crawl to fast or something it's instant pissed, accusing me of not watching her.
    Uh, he needs to realize that 1) she is a baby learning how to mobilize herself; 2) he is a father; and 3) you are her mother - not her babysitter.

    Jamie


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  • Salemkitty13Salemkitty13 member
    When you have talked to him about trusting your judgment and not becoming so upset what does he say?
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Salemkitty13 said:

    When you have talked to him about trusting your judgment and not becoming so upset what does he say?

    Basically that's when he tells me to stop back talking and stay on the floor with her. Completely ridiculous!

    I get that he's tired and that he works a demanding job but I just can't deal with being the only one parenting. He gets to do all the fun stuff, and often doesn't do much of the supervising etc.

    On his days off he's a total different person most the time though, he does great with her when I'm showering and getting ready etc but after work it's complete asshole mode.
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  • Albertsgirl1982Albertsgirl1982 member
    Is his job worth it? If my DH's job was making him that stressed and irritable I would suggest he look for a different one. I worked in a high stress job when DH and I first moved in together and I quit after 4 months for exactly that reason. Work life should inconvenience family life not the other way around.
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  • nbartlett47nbartlett47 member
    He needs to realize that YOU have a very demanding job being a SAHM. Just because he works outside of the home does not give him any right to treat you or speak to you like that, or be any less of a parent to DD.

    Babies are gonna be babies. Exploring the world around them is how they learn, and sometimes that comes with a few bumps, bruises and tears. You are not intentionally putting her in harms way, so he has absolutely nothing to be upset about.

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  • Albertsgirl1982Albertsgirl1982 member
    @Salemkitty13‌ just wanted to give you a shout out for your awesome tag team parenting. Sounds like you two are moving like ninjas at your place. I bow down. Much respect.
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  • Tally879Tally879 member
    Idk maybe he needs to hear it from a professional.  Can he go with you to a pedi appt, have you already had your 9 month?  Maybe hearing how important it is to encourage crawling etc is will help him.  
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    @Salemkitty13‌ What you have going on sounds like amazing team effort!

    I had a good talk with him about it today and he sees where I am coming from and apologized, he said he knows that he was wrong to speak to me like that and he doesn't know why he's been so irritable the past week.

    I really just don't know what's going on with him at all, it's really strange. I'm glad we had a calm conversation about things though it helped me not resent him as much and feel a little more appreciated for the things I do.

    Thankfully his job is only stressful for 3-4 months of the year the rest is a little easier on him. We just have to get through summer.
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  • Albertsgirl1982Albertsgirl1982 member
    Burrberrymum said:

    @Salemkitty13‌ What you have going on sounds like amazing team effort!

    I had a good talk with him about it today and he sees where I am coming from and apologized, he said he knows that he was wrong to speak to me like that and he doesn't know why he's been so irritable the past week.

    I really just don't know what's going on with him at all, it's really strange. I'm glad we had a calm conversation about things though it helped me not resent him as much and feel a little more appreciated for the things I do.

    Thankfully his job is only stressful for 3-4 months of the year the rest is a little easier on him. We just have to get through summer.

    I'm glad you had a chance to talk things out and he apologized. What does he do btw?
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Albertsgirl1982 said:

    Burrberrymum said:

    @Salemkitty13‌ What you have going on sounds like amazing team effort!

    I had a good talk with him about it today and he sees where I am coming from and apologized, he said he knows that he was wrong to speak to me like that and he doesn't know why he's been so irritable the past week.

    I really just don't know what's going on with him at all, it's really strange. I'm glad we had a calm conversation about things though it helped me not resent him as much and feel a little more appreciated for the things I do.

    Thankfully his job is only stressful for 3-4 months of the year the rest is a little easier on him. We just have to get through summer.

    I'm glad you had a chance to talk things out and he apologized. What does he do btw?
    Hes a cook, the restaurant he works for is right on the river so summer gets really crazy for them because of all the boaters that stop along with everyone else.
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  • Albertsgirl1982Albertsgirl1982 member
    Ohhh! That makes a lot more sense now. I dated a chef for a while. The restaurant business is a lot more stressful than people realize.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Albertsgirl1982 said:

    Ohhh! That makes a lot more sense now. I dated a chef for a while. The restaurant business is a lot more stressful than people realize.

    It really is. Stressful on both of us. I often have to tell him to stop talking and stressing about work once he walks through the door, issues with his closing staff tend to follow him home via text messages and phone calls.

    He's either gotta learn to manage his stress in a better manner than he is OR leave the restaurant business.



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