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Parenting after 35
springbeduk2
member
[long] i traumatized dh and might now be doomed ...
springbeduk2
member
... to never being able to leave DD with him again.
DD is seven weeks old and I had a dentist appointment today. Which I did not want to postpone as it was already months overdue and my mouth felt yucky. Dh is home (he is a professor so summers he is on his own schedule) and his mother is also staying with us. So 2 adults for one baby. (though MIL hasnt been so great with the baby actually - she mostly either complains or panics when she cries plus dh gets kindof annoyed with her for talking too much to the baby even when she seems sleepy or overstimulated, but still . It's been hard for me to pump because DD wants to nurse constantly and I still only have a single manual pump. But still I had managed to get 3 ounces collected and in a bottle in the fridge and a couple more in the freezer. So being gone for an hour and forty minutes (with drive time) should not have been a problem, right?
WRONG! The look on his face when I came home, and the accusatory "she pretty much cried the whole time." ... ugh. She wasn't even doing the top of the lungs sounding like she is in total agony cry. Just kindof crying. She had taken the bottle fine (though I had fed her just before leaving and also 90 minutes before that). MIL said really she was OK a lot of the time but after eating was sleepy and then was crying. I tried to ask him more about it later (to problem -solve for the future and just got "she was just really fussy" in a frustrated voice followed by walking away.
Now to be fair she has been really clingy to me since about 4 weeks or maybe a bit before. Like daytime naps are a problem. She'll fall asleep in my arms (on boob or burp shoulder) but wake up and usually stay awake within 10 minutes if I try to put her in the RNP or even in her spot on the bed. (Bedsharing was dh's idea, BTW). But she's fussy or even screaming with me too and I deal with it. And the magic boob is not quite her only comfort - she likes bouncy- walk with back pats and being carried while going up and down stairs. And sometimes being sung to. And occasionally swaddling helps (though dh who wad adamantly for swaddling before she wad born now doesnt want to because she likes to have her hands near her face so he wants to let her).
This is mostly a vent, but with these questions :
1. Am I so wrong to be thinking, "Dude! it was an hour and 40 minutes, not all day. Suck it up! "?
2. Am I a cold cruel mommy to feel that it isn't the end of the world if my daughter was upset for a little while - she was with a loving adult and not left to CIO on her own. And again - short time.
3. How do I get her to be less dependent on just me and more OK being with other people? And ready for daycare by mid August?
DD is seven weeks old and I had a dentist appointment today. Which I did not want to postpone as it was already months overdue and my mouth felt yucky. Dh is home (he is a professor so summers he is on his own schedule) and his mother is also staying with us. So 2 adults for one baby. (though MIL hasnt been so great with the baby actually - she mostly either complains or panics when she cries plus dh gets kindof annoyed with her for talking too much to the baby even when she seems sleepy or overstimulated, but still . It's been hard for me to pump because DD wants to nurse constantly and I still only have a single manual pump. But still I had managed to get 3 ounces collected and in a bottle in the fridge and a couple more in the freezer. So being gone for an hour and forty minutes (with drive time) should not have been a problem, right?
WRONG! The look on his face when I came home, and the accusatory "she pretty much cried the whole time." ... ugh. She wasn't even doing the top of the lungs sounding like she is in total agony cry. Just kindof crying. She had taken the bottle fine (though I had fed her just before leaving and also 90 minutes before that). MIL said really she was OK a lot of the time but after eating was sleepy and then was crying. I tried to ask him more about it later (to problem -solve for the future and just got "she was just really fussy" in a frustrated voice followed by walking away.
Now to be fair she has been really clingy to me since about 4 weeks or maybe a bit before. Like daytime naps are a problem. She'll fall asleep in my arms (on boob or burp shoulder) but wake up and usually stay awake within 10 minutes if I try to put her in the RNP or even in her spot on the bed. (Bedsharing was dh's idea, BTW). But she's fussy or even screaming with me too and I deal with it. And the magic boob is not quite her only comfort - she likes bouncy- walk with back pats and being carried while going up and down stairs. And sometimes being sung to. And occasionally swaddling helps (though dh who wad adamantly for swaddling before she wad born now doesnt want to because she likes to have her hands near her face so he wants to let her).
This is mostly a vent, but with these questions :
1. Am I so wrong to be thinking, "Dude! it was an hour and 40 minutes, not all day. Suck it up! "?
2. Am I a cold cruel mommy to feel that it isn't the end of the world if my daughter was upset for a little while - she was with a loving adult and not left to CIO on her own. And again - short time.
3. How do I get her to be less dependent on just me and more OK being with other people? And ready for daycare by mid August?
Me: 39 DH: 44 together since 2000 married 9/2004 TTC #1 since 2/2012
BFP #1 6/5/2012 m/c 6/15/2012 about 5w3d BFP #2 6/?/2013 m/c 7/1/2013 5w 3d
BFP #3 8/25/2013 EDD 5/7/2014 DD A. born 5/8/2014!! Love!!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: [long] i traumatized dh and might now be doomed ...
I don't think men were built with the same tolerance level when it comes to these things and they feel very inadequate when they can't "fix" the problem. It probably felt like a long time to your husband. But you guys are a team and he will have to make an effort.
When you are home with her do you stay right by her side constantly or do you ever leave her immediate view? I started doing that for short periods of time really early on so she could learn it would be ok, that I would come back.
If you need her to get used to other people before daycare you should start letting her spend time away from you now. Maybe you could start with some baby steps by giving your husband baby duty while you are actually still home. He might get to feeling more confident about it too knowing you are still in the house.
Tips welcome!
@Guennie you were a nanny for a long time, right? (Plus being a mom now) - did you have little little ones in your care? You could probably do a great parenting dos and don'ts column from your experience!
All this makes me feel more like a 17 year old in over her head than an almost 40 year old!! Actually many 17 year old moms probably deal with this part better.
For other questions : actually I do think gas or other things (being tired but not able to let herself fall asleep) is likely the culprit as much as or more than separation anxiety. Which is why i thought leaving her for that short tome should be OK. Others can burp, bounce, give gripe water if they want, just as much as I can.
I do go out of sight when either dh or MIL are holding her or if she is in her swing with MIL watching her (in MIL's room with door shut! - to take a shower or get some household tasks done. For as long as possible! But they give her right back to me when she starts crying. Usually she seems to want to eat and as she really hasnt been gaining weight fast enough we want her to eat as much as possible. Plus her crying will escalate really fast even when she hadn't been showing discernable hunger cues or more than a couple minutes.
2. Am I a cold cruel mommy to feel that it isn't the end of the world if my daughter was upset for a little while - she was with a loving adult and not left to CIO on her own. And again - short time. I think as long as you are comfortable with this, then it's fine. I would have been upset knowing she had been crying for an hour and half because she doesn't do that for you. Again with the 'fixing', did you DH try multiple things or just one and then got frustrated. Babies sense that frustration and it makes them more upset.
3. How do I get her to be less dependent on just me and more OK being with other people? And ready for daycare by mid August? I think the short breaks would be very beneficial. Before I went back to work, I need that break. I needed to get out of the house and be alone, turn the radio up loud and be myself.
I'd read about half of "Happiest Baby..." in the waiting room of the midwives office 3rd trimester (it was on their bookshelf) and was all ready to try it (except dont have a white noise machine) but then at first she was sleeping well anyway (she rolls over onto her side and then the moro reflex isnt such a factor) and then dh didn't want to swaddle her arms down and also the pediatricians here are anti -swaddling. And then for daytime (when I want her to nap in her RNP which will be on her back so swaddling will probably be more important ) I've been nervous to try to force a long nap because her weight gain has been just barely enough so we definitely want her to eat when hungry. So me being a human pacifier happened. I guess it's time to try it especially before it gets too hot when there'll be another argument against swaddling. I need to get better at it quickly!
Is a white noise machine better (or nicer for us adults to hear) than a radio on static?
@mwhipple77 I would be more upset about DD being upset if I thought she actually had been crying the whole time. But she had taken the bottle which must have taken some time and MIL said she was OK a lot of the time. And she wasn't all red like she gets when she cries hard and wasn't really screaming when I got home. So that makes me think that while it felt to DH like she cried the whole time she really must not have. It seems more like she was fussy as she often is with me too so not actually suffering *so* much extra from my absence. I think. Of course I don't like seeing her upset buy it's not realistic for her to never be.
Short breaks could be hard unfortunately - we live 15 minutes from town so to just go there and back is the 30 minutes without even doing anything. Friends are farther away. Plus I would feel worse about leaving DD to maybe be upset if it's just for me to do something fun (which I don't really consider dentist visits to be even when just for a cleaning) or less necessary.
Dh got some practice today - I had the last post partum check up and he came with and took care of DD most of the time during it. That was good. He really seems to like/respect this midwife so maybe was showing off for her a little. Too bad this was the last appointment there! And he just was in a better mood today in general and maybe also realized he needs to learn to manage DD (he has to come to understandingd like that on his own - if I tell him it is counterproductive) - he held her more after we got home too. Though both at appointment and home he had the safety valve of being able to pass her back to me for some BF comfort. What was good was he didn't do it too soon or without trying other soothing methods.
I am not familiar with the books pps mentioned but I do know that A) many babies do sleep better if swaddled
Ok so let's see...I also agree with trying a white noise machine, or even just music. Ours will fall asleep to music, she loves it. Whatever you try, be consistent. Constantly changing things doesn't give her any routine to get used to and will only be confusing. I'd suggest trying something for a week before you decide it isn't working.
I know this is hard and it would be nice if there were one magic answer for everyone. What works for one baby might not work for another, and in the same regard what works for one family may not work for another. It may take a little time for you all to find your groove so hang in there!
I've gotta go feed my own little munchkin, so I will get back on here later this evening if I think of anything else!
With DD she also needed her hands by her face for swaddling when she was a baby! That's what made her most comfortable so that's what we did!
What it sounds like needs to happen - you need to go to the Dentist more often! JK! you really do need to get out and about more often so they can figure it out. The only way that'll happen is if they have time alone together without you to "rescue". As for BF, it's normal to have the 4mo growth spurt where it seems like they're constantly hungry. Worst comes to worst, FF when you're not there.
When it comes to the DCP transition - ask your DCP how they put LO's down and start just doing it that way. It really helps when there's a routine in place because then things don't seem out of the norm. Starting DC was what got us to enjoy more than 4 hours of sleep per day because of DS & his fussiness.
My main suggestion: get a good electric breast pump. It makes pumping so much easier.
Next, you're completely right...it was less than 2 hours.
Lastly, enjoy you're baby. I rocked mine to sleep or let him fall asleep in my arms all the time....it went against everyone's advice. I decided that I was 36 years old and I had waited a long time for this baby and I would enjoy him. He began going to a babysitter at 6 weeks when I returned to work and then to daycare a couple of months later. The transition to daycare for rough for both of us, but he adjusted very quickly (within a week)...it took me closer to a month. He learned to "expect" certain things. I get a bottle sometimes, but mommy won't give me one (she only breastfeeds). I fall asleep often in a swing at daycare; mommy and grandmother rock me.
Good luck!!!
2. Am I a cold cruel mommy to feel that it isn't the end of the world if my daughter was upset for a little while - she was with a loving adult and not left to CIO on her own. And again - short time. She is going to have to get used to other people and as long as she was being comforted and with people that you trust then no you are not cruel.
3. How do I get her to be less dependent on just me and more OK being with other people? And ready for daycare by mid August? just what you are doing, take small trips away from her so that she is used to someone other than Mommy. It is difficult in the beginning but it will get better.
2. You are not a cruel mommy. A baby doesn't know if they cry for a minute or five minutes. Crying is how they communicate - hunger, tired, bored, etc. Your husband or whoever watches her is keeping her safe.
3. Get her used to others by letting them watch her. Even when you are home - let your husband or someone else hold her. It really helps. Go take a shower while she's awake. Go to the grocery store. Small trips to build up their confidence and hers. It will help in the long run as well. It was hard to give up time with my girlie, but she ended up with pretty bad separation anxiety. We've been working on switching kids (we have twins) to avoid this.
Good luck.
ETA - Is he giving the bottle with the baby upright? That can make a huge difference in the gassiness. Have you asked about reflux? We put little man on Zantac and it helped a lot! He didn't throw up much but was so uncomfortable after eating. He slept in a Rock N Play for months and sleeps with a crib wedge now.
@Guennie - I don't think dh knows the difference between a gassy cry and a hungry cry and really I don't either!
She also isn't showing the same pre-cry hunger cues she did the first few weeks. (She is 8 weeks old now - or will be in 12 hours). So if it isn't a time when it's obvious she would be hungry both of us try other soothing methods first but most of the time it seems she wants the boob. Or wants mom. A lot of the time if she is crying with dh or MIL she stops pretty much as soon as I take her, is OK for a short time, and then wants to nurse.
I don't know if she has reflux but my guess would be no but that's just a guess. She spits up kind of a lot but not all through the day. In clusters but I haven't figured out a clear pattern. She almost always seems really happy then, (while and just before spitting up) not uncomfortable. She sleeps pretty well at night on our bed which is not inclined. She seems to spit up at least as much when held upright as when laying down or at some incline (carseat, RNP). What would I look for to tell if she had reflux?
For gas - She burps some after/while eating but not much other times. She farts quite a bit though and often seems to get woken up by whatever is going on in her tummy shortly before she poops. Sometimes it upsets her and sometimes she just seems happy kicking and wiggling (she bicycles her own legs!) and smiling. I haven't tried gas drops. We have gripe water but I've been giving it less than first few weeks. Mostly when she is fussy even when nursing (popping off and fussing) - then i'll do a while of bouncy walk and back pats then maybe some gripe water. Though I think she mostly likes it for the sugar!
This afternoon I swaddled her for a nap and it did seem to help (she had been obviously very sleepy but kept waking herself up before) though I had to also put my arms onerous her hands and feet too to until she fell asleep because she was rousing herself kicking/twitching even within the swaddled. I'll try to do the swaddled again at least one nap a day if it isn't just way too hot. But I think by the time she starts daycare she will probably be rolling over and isn't that when you're supposed to stop swaddling? But anyway maybe it will still help her learn some self soothing. The first time I saw her start to wake up from that nap she did go back to sleep on her own.
@GroverClover I should be getting a good breast pump next week - had to get prescription and figure out the insurance deal. Then decided it was almost July so might as well wait since my flexible spending account resets July 1st and last years was used up. And you're right ... I do enjoy the extra snuggles. Though I would like dh to get more of them too!
@Geeps2 and others thank youfor understanding about the male whining. Good thing i like cheese! Though my dh is more of huff puff fume storm guy ... what goes with that?
Anyway .. well keep working on it.
A lot of those "smiles" could actually be gas. I would suggest trying gas drops instead of gripe water anytime you suspect gas and see if it helps more.