needing perspective

kk1160 · July 2014

I am not at all posting this to be rude to anyone or stir up trouble. I genuinely want to know and am seeking a different perspective that might change my outlook on what I do... "I really don't have it so bad".

Explain to me why you feel your SAHM job is difficult. Please do not reply if you work part-time or bring in any sort of income whatsoever. Again, not trying to stir up trouble, but I only have feedback from friends and they seem to have it pretty easy.

TIA,
a working mom

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2014

kcisthebombdotcom · July 2014

Serious answer--being a mom is hard period. Last night my three year old slept seven hours, woke me up at 430 and whined nonstop about everything for the last eight consecutive hours. I contemplated putting her on craigslist for much of that time. Mentally being home with kids all day everyday can be draining (though I suppose Im cheating by answering though I only work two nights a week when they're in bed). Sitting at a desk with a cup of coffee in peace without a three year old following me to the bathroom every time inquiring about what I'm doing and demanding me to wipe/wash my hands sounds heavenly at times. Obviously it has its upsides too just like being a working mom does. No side has a carefree lifestyle unless your sahm friends have a single kid at home with a nanny there all day everyday.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Yup. She is on WM asking if we hate it when people raise our kiddos.

I so prefer my trolls to be more creative. This isn't even fun.

jensriot · July 2014

Parenting is hard, it doesn't matter how you do it.

LoveBeingMama · July 2014

This thread will be fantastic to read later while I sit around with my bonbons and watch my soaps.

LoveBeingMama · July 2014

Totally off topic, I know, but remember these? Pretty sure you aren't supposed to feed them.

kk1160 · July 2014

Again, this is not to judge anyone. It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook. That being a working mom is just as hard as being a SAHM.

I'm curious to hear about your struggles. Your frustrations. Is there a schedule you follow? Do you homeschool your littles?

Seriously, It's an innocent inquiry. My only feedback is from friends that do literally nothing and complain their lives are SO HARD. None of them have ever had to lift a finger and I'm over here busting my ass at this place I call hell to make ends meet. What makes being a working mom difficult? Someone else is raising my child. I get to spend about 2 hours with him daily if I'm lucky.

If anything, they're the ones you should be frustrated with. They're the type of people that makes us working moms hate most non-working moms. I'm here to change my own mind.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

kk1160 said:

It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook.

Nope. They did not. Did not happen.

spring_time · July 2014

kk1160 said:

Again, this is not to judge anyone. It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook. That being a working mom is just as hard as being a SAHM.

I'm curious to hear about your struggles. Your frustrations. Is there a schedule you follow? Do you homeschool your littles?

Seriously, It's an innocent inquiry. My only feedback is from friends that do literally nothing and complain their lives are SO HARD. None of them have ever had to lift a finger and I'm over here busting my ass at this place I call hell to make ends meet. What makes being a working mom difficult? Someone else is raising my child. I get to spend about 2 hours with him daily if I'm lucky.

If anything, they're the ones you should be frustrated with. They're the type of people that makes us working moms hate most non-working moms. I'm here to change my own mind.

Nevermind. I just wrote a very nice response until I saw this. You sound very angry with your circumstances. You need to find a way to change them by either finding a new job, or finding a new daycare that you love. My DS went to daycare for 2.5 years and I never thought of her raising my child. She was a phenomenal resource who loved my child and took excellent care of him every day so I could help provide for my family.

I am not frustrated with anyone because I have no idea what your friends do or do not do during the day. It is really none of my business, nor is it yours. When I was working, I never hated non-working moms. I was envious of them because that is what I wanted for my life, so I found a way to attain that goal. I also know that I will need to return to the workforce. I certainly hope I do not become so bitter that I start to judge what my non-working friends are doing during the day.

jensriot · July 2014

kk1160 said:

Again, this is not to judge anyone. It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook. That being a working mom is just as hard as being a SAHM.

I'm curious to hear about your struggles. Your frustrations. Is there a schedule you follow? Do you homeschool your littles?

Seriously, It's an innocent inquiry. My only feedback is from friends that do literally nothing and complain their lives are SO HARD. None of them have ever had to lift a finger and I'm over here busting my ass at this place I call hell to make ends meet. What makes being a working mom difficult? Someone else is raising my child. I get to spend about 2 hours with him daily if I'm lucky.

If anything, they're the ones you should be frustrated with. They're the type of people that makes us working moms hate most non-working moms. I'm here to change my own mind.

Nope, I call BS on that last statement. You are angry and resentful of your situation. Try counseling. There is not one thing we could say that would change your mind and no reason for us to get into it with you. I imagine, to you, we would just be whiny little SAHMs that don't know how good we have it.

kk1160 · July 2014

Wow. So none of you can even tell me what you do? Seriously?

You're just here to bash...

NicoleWI · July 2014

Okay. So, I was working FT until I went to 4 days/week last summer and then left in spring. For me, personally, I DO like being a SAHM better but it is hard. Just hard in different ways. The challenges are different and it's totally personal preference/circumstance. I missing having "my own" income and going to lunch with friends. It is hard being here ALL DAY and evening with the kids since DH is often not home until late. It gets a little claustrophobic and I get short-tempered more than I would like. It's physically much more tiring, I think (I am also pregnant so that doesn't help). It's harder than I expected to get ANYTHING done. If I do errands I have to take 3 littles and that's not easy--in and out of carseats, etc. I do like it better overall, though.

kk1160 · July 2014

thanks a lot for making this much more difficult than it needed to be... you've all become the prime example of the lazy people I already know.

Sorry to take away from your BUSY day.

penguingrrl · July 2014

It's very hard when one of my nannies calls out and the housekeeper's a few minutes late. I mean, they expect me to cater to my kids with only one nanny. The nerve! That really interrupts my day at the club. Once I even had to do dishes. True story.

fancefpp · July 2014

I guarantee your so called friends don't sit around and do nothing all day, unless your friends are kim kardashian and gwyneth Paltrow.

spring_time · July 2014

penguingrrl said:

It's very hard when one of my nannies calls out and the housekeeper's a few minutes late. I mean, they expect me to cater to my kids with only one nanny. The nerve! That really interrupts my day at the club. Once I even had to do dishes. True story.

As long as our personal chef comes, I feel like I can still make it through the day.

peaceinnature · July 2014

Ok I'll pretend this is a serious non-trolly question and give you the pros and cons of SAH vs working. In my opinion the pros of staying home outweigh the pros of working, which is why I stay home. Pretty simple.

SAH Pros

-I get to be with my kid all day (which is mostly a blessing).

-I have more time to get things done around the house.

-I have more time to cook, plan meals, grocery shop.

-I get to take DS to activities and see him do things for the first time/learn and progress.

-I have more control over what DS does and how he learns (for now).

-I feel like I do get more personal time because I'm less stressed from work, there's no commute time, etc.

Working Pros (Based on the job I had before DS was born. Obviously some jobs are better than others.)

-Money, obviously.

-Interacting with adults.

-Feeling like an "important," contributing member of society.

-Feeling good about career progress/helping people.

-Having a lunch break every day where I can sit and eat uninterrupted and/or go for a walk.

-Using the commute time to catch up on podcasts/read uninterrupted.

I will go back to work eventually, and I'm honestly not dreading it or anything. But I don't regret the extra time spent with DS/future kids while they're little.

ETA whoops forgot the cons. They're pretty self-explanatory though.

jensriot · July 2014

kk1160 said:

Wow. So none of you can even tell me what you do? Seriously?

You're just here to bash...

ok fine. I'll tell you about my day. It is seriously not that exciting or hard or anything. It's just a day.

6:30-get up, shower, coffee, get breakfast for girls, change L out of nighttime diaper, put clean dishes away, start laundry.get boy up, changed and fed. get ready myself. get girls hair done, tell them to get dressed (3 times). Feed cat. Clean up breakfast. Pack snacks and drinks for today. Move laundry to dryer.

8:30-9:30get everyone to go potty and get in car. Swim lessons with baby boy at 9.

9:30-11:15 get myself and baby changed. Get everyone to go potty and get back in car. Off to gymnastics for L at 10:15

11:15-3:00 get home, eat, feed kids lunch, clean up lunch, get everyone ready for naps/quiet time. Finish laundry. Call eye dr. Bump . workout. Prep dinner.

3-5p get everyone up and out the door for C's karate class.

5-8:30-cook dinner, have dinner, clean up dinner, bathtime, clean up living room, pajamas, brush teeth, books, bed.

8:30-get clothes/diaper bag/etc. ready for tomorrow. clean up a little before I fall into a chair to watch some TV. Maybe knit or crochet. Attempt to sleep, HA. Oh yeah, maybe talk to DH.

None of this will help you at all because this is a day out of MY life. I have lazy days too, this is just a busy one. I also deal with diaper wrestling, tantrums, fights, booboos, etc. just like EVERY other parent out there. It really sounds like you are unhappy and I'm sorry that you aren't where you want to be. I worked full time for 2 years before I was able to stay home. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but I didn't hate SAHP. Was I jealous? Sure, but not because they got to be lazy or their days were all sunshine and roses. I also didn't harbor such intense resentment for other moms. I certainly didn't feel like someone else was raising my child. The daycare she was in gave her such a great start in life and I wouldn't change those years. Stop looking at others for what you want and assess your own situation and how to make the most of it.

jensriot · July 2014

sing4mysavior said:

I think maybe your definition of "doing stuff" may just be skewed. I am cleaning and playing and refereeing and teaching and encouraging and disciplining and feeding and understanding and diciphering and doctoring and leading all.day.long. It may seem like nothing, but playing a game with my kids teaches them to follow the rules and take turns, and how to roll a dice and count spaces or tell colors, letters, etc. We practice good sportsmanship and cleaning up when we're done. It seems simple, but in that one activity I'm doing a lot and seeing how to help my children grow. Like I said...it appears as nothing from the outside, but I know what I'm teaching them all day and what they need work on (physically, intellectually, and emotionally) and I spend my time caring for and helping my children work through those needs all day. Perspective.

I really like this. Well said.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

Well, to be perfectly honest, I have days when I wish I could go back to work and days I am glad I stay at home.

Staying at home ( at least for me ) isn't physically hard, but it is more mentally difficult than I anticipated, if that makes sense. It is really hard being around whining, fighting, tantrums and crying ALL DAY. It is hard making snacks that they ask for, but then don't get eaten once I have already made them. It's frustrating telling them the same things all the time. It just, I don't know, wears you down. It is gross being around poopy diapers or wiping bottoms all the time.

I remember watching the news about a year ago and there was study that said that whining is the most annoying sound in the world. More so than jackhammers, alarms and saws. It makes sense. Before I stayed at home, I foolishly idealized staying at home with near perfect kids, time to clean, time to play, time for crafts, time to meet friends at Olive Garden for an all you can eat soup, salad and breadstick lunch;but the reality isn't like that. There are days when my husband comes home and I am near tears because I can't handle them anymore. I need a break. Now was I on my feet all day ? Was I digging ditches or putting hot tar on a roof ? Was I dealing with angry customers ? No, but that still doesn't mean my day isn't hard. It is just hard in a different way.

I understand that WMs have to deal with the same crap, but it is hard being around it all the time. Harder than I thought it would be. Now, that doesn't mean I still don't enjoy it at times too and am still grateful I stay at home. Trust me, when we have a huge snow/ice storm or I hear of a really bad traffic accident, I am glad I don't have to deal with that. When my friend tells me about how her annual review, I am grateful I don't have to sit through those right now. I also enjoy seeing them play, make jokes, learn new concepts and well...have fun.

That being said, I have a feeling my words will fall on deaf ears. I mean this in the sincerest way possible, but comparing your life to your friends will do nothing but make you miserable. Please consider counseling for your work/ life situation.

Oh and I read your post on WMs and you have a husband problem and you need to focus your frustrations on him and not on your friends.

kk1160 · July 2014

Ladies, I appreciate your input. This was genuinely not meant to make anyone mad. I thought i could get quick answers, but this turned into the biggest cluster... I'm sorry to have offended you all. Thank you to the few of you who shed some light on your day.

rachie1019 · July 2014

I watched Pretty Little Liars today.

rachie1019 · July 2014

<~ While eating fudge! *gasp*

Aussie45 · July 2014

kk1160 said:
thanks a lot for making this much more difficult than it needed to be... you've all become the prime example of the lazy people I already know.

Sorry to take away from your BUSY day.

You can't call us prime examples of lazy people when you don't know wtf we do all day. You sit over there and judge SAHM because a couple of them you deem to be lazy. So, if you know that, then clearly you've sat with them all day. What makes them so lazy and horrible that makes the rest of us look bad?

You sound like an extremely bitter person. FFS, if you hate your job that much, then change it to where you are happier. Being bitter towards others in no way furthers yourself or helps your child. Work, SAH, do whatever you want, but get off your damn high horse acting like you're better than SAHMs because you work a job you hate.

dizzycooks · July 2014

First off, I shouldn't be answering this because I am actually a FT teacher who is on a 7 month maternity leave AND I tutor one hour a week and bring in a little it of money that way over these 7 months...

However, this is more excitement than I've seen around here lately so I'll play

My day does not have a schedule, but we have a routine we follow. I don't homeschool (my big is only 2), but if she were still attending daycare she would be working on skills during the day and I try to make sure we still work on developing appropriate skills in all areas. Do I plan it out? Not always, but I am intentional about working with her. For example, every day she feeds the dog, she generally sets the table and we have a chore chart that reminds her to clean up her toys and brush her teeth nicely. She's learning to be a member of the family, responsibility and consequences for her actions.

We have an 'outing' most days. We go to the zoo, Y, park, walk around the neighborhood, bible study, or a lesson (currently swim lessons) each week. I am actively involved in all of that. We talk about the animals/flowers/cars/etc we see. I ask her lots of questions and prompt her vocabulary (she still doesn't talk much). We go out to eat very rarely, but when we do it's a big deal and we practice manners and being pleasant in a restarant.

At home I rotate toys and books and try to do some art or fine motor project every now and then. Yesterday we stuck colored tissue to a piece of contact paper I had cut out in the shape of an N for her name. She rides her scooter and I am watching all the time because she is likely to crash it and split her lip or something. While this is going on the baby is sleeping/playing/nursing nearby.

As someone said, the whining will be the death of me. It is so annoying! However, I teach 6th grade and they whine too. The difference is I get to send them away every 50 minutes and get a new group of them

These whiners are mine and I am suppose to love them, which I do, but boy we have days when I am not their biggest fans and bedtime can't come fast enough because I need a break.

6:30 - 9 wake up, feed dd, change diaper/nurse dd2, wash dishes, drink coffee (this does take 3 hours some days...), read/play in playroom, put dd2 down for nap, try to finish one chore and play with dd1.

9-12 activity out of house or play in yard

12-1 lunch/clean up playroom

1-3 naptime for kids, chores for me, prep dinner, send dd1 back to bed as many times as needed in order to get her to sleep.

3-4:30 entertain children outside if weather allows, finish up dinner prep, walk dog

4:30-5:30 dinner/clean up/pack lunch for dh

5:30-7 family time

7 - 8 bedtime madness ensues, but dh and I try to have downtime by together and then in bed by 9:30. Lately dd1 is up with nightmares once a night and dd2 wakes to nurse at 12am and 4am. This would all happen in the evening whether I am working or not, dh and I would just be spending more time on chores once the kdis are asleep.

And don't EVER tell me someone else is raising my child while I am at work. EVER. I chose where they go very carefully and we discuss with the providers how they are developing on an almost daily basis. As the parent, I made the choice to put them there and if I every disagree with how things are handled or don't like the behaviors they are developing I would pull them in a hot second.

kk1160 · July 2014

dizzycooks said:
And don't EVER tell me someone else is raising my child while I am at work. EVER. I chose where they go very carefully and we discuss with the providers how they are developing on an almost daily basis. As the parent, I made the choice to put them there and if I every disagree with how things are handled or don't like the behaviors they are developing I would pull them in a hot second.

I guess this is what I was feeling. It's been a hot topic personally from customers asking me this question... which is what sprung all this nonsense. Thanks for the input.

dizzycooks · July 2014

kk1160 said:

dizzycooks said:
And don't EVER tell me someone else is raising my child while I am at work. EVER. I chose where they go very carefully and we discuss with the providers how they are developing on an almost daily basis. As the parent, I made the choice to put them there and if I every disagree with how things are handled or don't like the behaviors they are developing I would pull them in a hot second.

I guess this is what I was feeling. It's been a hot topic personally from customers asking me this question... which is what sprung all this nonsense. Thanks for the input.

I can honestly say I worked very hard to choose where my girls go. The first place I selected turned into a shit storm and I pulled them with one day notice. I now send them somewhere completely different and I love it, I could not be happier with their care. I have made sacrifices so they can stay there because if I am going to work then they will have the absolute best care I can find/afford. (Obviously they aren't there now, but when I am working they are.)

notreallyirish · July 2014

I count the piles of

kk1160 said:

dizzycooks said:
And don't EVER tell me someone else is raising my child while I am at work. EVER. I chose where they go very carefully and we discuss with the providers how they are developing on an almost daily basis. As the parent, I made the choice to put them there and if I every disagree with how things are handled or don't like the behaviors they are developing I would pull them in a hot second.

I guess this is what I was feeling. It's been a hot topic personally from customers asking me this question... which is what sprung all this nonsense. Thanks for the input.

People will make stupid comments whether you work, stay at home or even choose not to have kids. Our society is very judgmental of women's family choices. NO ONE is doing it right because there is no right. Don't worry about what judgmental people say to you. Stop judging other people! Worry about what works for your family. That is what really matters.

bumpuser794640 · July 2014

So, I'm a SAHM who is currently looking into returning to work FT after only 5 months at home. Some days I don't do much, besides keep a small human alive, clean, and fed. Other days I do errands, clean a little, do some laundry. That is, if my 1 year old isn't getting into things too much. It is hard to always be "on", making sure the kid doesn't electrocute or choke himself, keeping him occupied, etc.

I always thought I wanted to SAH for a few years. However, I have realized that my personality does not jive with being around a tiny person all day every day. My temper has gotten horrible, I don't feel like I do " enough", and I feel badly about it. People like you do not help matters one bit.

rachie1019 · July 2014

gwapes said:
Im sitting here drinking coffee while my son is in daycare.

Yep, you are the bomb!!!

rachie1019 · July 2014

Move to Indiana damnit @gwapes‌

rachie1019 · July 2014

And, well, ME, so there's that...

rachie1019 · July 2014

sing4mysavior said:
I'm in indiana now too! Come come!

Wait....maybe that's a deterrent :@P

Are you really? What part of Indiana?

rachie1019 · July 2014

gwapes said:
After 8mo in Iowa we can transfer to IN. But,, 8 mo in Iowa..

Hmm so only about the length of a pregnancy, which always goes pretty quickly. Then yay for IN!!!

rachie1019 · July 2014

A nice gif for good measure?

rachie1019 · July 2014

@gwapes‌ I was actually envisioning this gif today while I was *plucking* my bikini line. WTF

rachie1019 · July 2014

Oh wow! I had no idea you were that close to me. We were in west Carmel, but are now in Noblesville.

rachie1019 · July 2014

Are you originally from Indiana? Where'd you and DH go to college? Sorry if that's too nosy...

I'm from NW Indiana ("the Region") and went to IU in Bloomington. DH is from Fort Wayne and went to Ball State.

BloomingMomma · July 2014

Ditto counseling. One cannot become satisfied in life by comparing to others; learn to love yourself first.

When I became a SAHM i felt insecure with myself, and missed working, so I tried working part-time... I still wasn't happy. I participated in short-term counseling, and became more solid in myself that now my happiness is not tied to my working or non working / or SAHM status.

I suggest this thread stops here, and let the counseling suggestion be the end of it.

jensriot said:

kk1160 said:

Again, this is not to judge anyone. It was suggested to me to come to this board (from the working mom's board) to get a different outlook. That being a working mom is just as hard as being a SAHM.

I'm curious to hear about your struggles. Your frustrations. Is there a schedule you follow? Do you homeschool your littles?

Seriously, It's an innocent inquiry. My only feedback is from friends that do literally nothing and complain their lives are SO HARD. None of them have ever had to lift a finger and I'm over here busting my ass at this place I call hell to make ends meet. What makes being a working mom difficult? Someone else is raising my child. I get to spend about 2 hours with him daily if I'm lucky.

If anything, they're the ones you should be frustrated with. They're the type of people that makes us working moms hate most non-working moms. I'm here to change my own mind.

Nope, I call BS on that last statement. You are angry and resentful of your situation. Try counseling. There is not one thing we could say that would change your mind and no reason for us to get into it with you. I imagine, to you, we would just be whiny little SAHMs that don't know how good we have it.

notkateanymore · July 2014

OP, you would have more time to spend with your kids if you got off your computer and did your work instead of trolled message boards all day. You're welcome.

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