Family and/or friends in the delivery room?!

rachelwm · July 2014

I've been OVERLY annoyed lately because my best friend as well as mother-in-law have been overly pushy about wanting to be in the delivery room to witness the birth. Me & DH have been on the same page since day 1...we only want us in the delivery room. I don't mind others there before...but for the actual pushing & birth, I want it to be just me and him. I'm a FTM...although my hubby has 2 kids of his own from a previous marriage. But because it's my first, and honestly I don't know if I'll have more kids...I want to experience the birth just me and him...and keep it a private moment you know? My best friend...who I love...(but lately wanted to strangle lol) never even ASKED if I wanted her in the room, she just brought it up one day and put me on the spot, saying "Ill be there when you push..right? RIGHT???" I was caught so off guard...I just said I'd have to talk to DH about it. Every time I see her she brings it up and basically TELLS me she's going to be there and how she HAS to be there when I push otherwise she'll be super offended. Me & my mother-in-law are close but still, I don't want anyone in the room for the birth. I was talking to her about my best friend and complaining about how she'd been so pushy and how it bothered me. Then my MIL started doing the same thing!!! She's like "Please!!! Please I beg you to let me be in there for the birth!" wtf...did I not just tell her how my best friend was being pushy and how it bothered me because we wanted it to be just me and the hubby? Holy cow. Sorry but I just had to vent!!! I wish they'd be more sensitive to how me & the hubby want the birth to be. Anyone else having similar issues?!!! I'm to the point now that I'm starting to think I don't want ANYONE at the hospital, PERIOD...ugh! ok I feel better after getting all this out haha.

Allison7 · July 2014

I would just tell them no. Let them know that you would love to have them there right up until the time to push, but then it is time for just you and YH. Be honest and let them know that it wasn't an easy decision, but one that the two of you feel strongly on and you hope both of them understand.

vk2204 · July 2014

Let your H deal with his mother. He can tell her no.

Or tell them both you can only have one person in the room with you and obviously it will be your H.

+RBL+ · July 2014

With DS, I didn't want anyone even at the hospital with us. We didn't tell any of my family I was in labor until I was at the hospital for a couple hours. I called my sister at about 10pm (it was a Friday) and she had been drinking, which I knew she would, so I told her. She admitted that she almost didn't answer the phone until her neighbor suggested that I might be in labor, LOL.

We did tell H's family because they are to far away to just show up at the hospital.

We didn't tell the rest of my family until DS arrived. I called my mom at 1am and told her DS was born and she thought I was messing with her.

Valancyy · July 2014

Just don't tell them when you go into labor. I only had my husband with me both times. I would in no way want anyone else there with me. I don't even want anyone else there with me right after the baby's born, until we're all settled in. It's too chaotic.

If they don't understand, too bad.

cashews29 · July 2014

My MIL and mom haven't asked yet. I'm hoping they never do. I don't want anyone but H in the room with me.

tahitiansun · July 2014

I agree with everyone else- you need to be firm and have the birth you want. II would also give a heads up in advance so it's not an issue that day, unless you just don't tell them when you are in labor.

I know at my hospital you can tell the nurses if you want someone out and they will play bouncer for you. Worse come to worse, have the nurses kick everyone but your H out when the pushing starts.

alphaxi614 · July 2014

As PP said your birth your decision, they will have to understand.

No one has asked to be in the room when I push, but my mom kept thinking she was going to hang out in the delivery room until that time and keep me company. I had to tell her flat out that I did not want anyone by H in the delivery room with me, at any point. Also that I didn't want her or MIL in the waiting room the entire time, as FTM can labor along time and I don't want to be thinking about them waiting on me. Also I don't want to feel like I have to hurry up and get the kid out so someone else can hold him. My mom understood, but MIL doesn't get it at all. She thinks she's not allowed to be supportive by not sitting at the hospital to wait!

H and I have agreed no one will even know I am in labor until I am at the hospital and admitted. Then it will only be mom and MIL who know, and we will call them after I am settled into my postpartum room to come visit. The nurses at the hospital I'm delivering at have already agreed to have a "no visitor" policy in the delivery room for me.

Cat&S · July 2014

My cousin and MIL have asked several times to be in the room. With my cousin, it's sweet, because she really wants to be supportive. With my MIL...she would just be annoying. My own mom has a phobia of needles and blood, so she hasn't asked at all, lol.

I've told everyone I just want it to be me and DH and they all seem fine with it for now. I still hope the actual birth goes quick and we can just not tell anyone until after she's here. If it's a long process, I foresee several people not being happy being relegated to the waiting room and putting up a fuss.

MandMLeona · July 2014

No one has ever tried to invite themselves into the birth for me.

Though my mom did assume we would call her immediately so she could come down and watch DD1 during my second birth. I am not sure where she got the idea, but I chose to just call her when the baby was here.

I hate having people wait on me in any circumstance. There is no way I could call people when I went into labor...besides, that isn't always a cut and dry decision. To this day you could say I had a 12.5 hour labor or a .5 hour labor or a 1.5 hour labor with my first. It all depends on what you want to count from. With my second it was much more definite.

If you aren't comfortable being up front with them, just don't call them or anyone else when you go into labor. Afterward you can always make excuses about not being sure and then things got crazy.

awalter5110 · July 2014

She didn't come out and say it, but I think my MIL wanted to be in the room for the birth also. Basically I told her that I didn't want her seeing any of my business (lol) and she sort of backed off. We then went for a hospital tour a little over a month ago and they said 1 or 2 people in the room only, so she can't be in there anyway. I already asked my mom like forever ago so no going back, and hubby will obviously be there. I was happy they said no more than 2 because I still felt like she would push her way in or something, lol. I would just be very blunt with both of them and if they get their panties in a bunch oh well. They will get over it once baby is here and they get to hold him/her so I wouldn't even stress. You have way more to worry about, especially when you are actually in labor

mercedesbenz802 · July 2014

Do not feel bad if you want it to be just you and your DH. I had to tell my dying mother that we wanted it to be just my DH and I. My MIL was very understanding. I can not handle the stress of more then just my DH in there.

shevaCC · July 2014

Where's that NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE octopus gif when you need him? I couldn't imagine anyone else in the room besides DH, my doula, and the midwife's team.

KittyMisha · July 2014

I have two close friends who want to be there for labor and would happily stay for delivery if I allow it. One friend is a very calm, soothing person with a dry sense of humor who I know would be completely focused on my needs and would be fantastic company. The other is a raging drama queen and one of the most self-centered people I've ever met, and even thinking of dealing with her during labor stresses me out. However, the three of us are close mutual friends, which means there is no way I could have one come and not the other without causing drama that will have lasting repercussions on multiple friendships. As far as I can tell, the only viable choice is to invite neither, even though I'd love for the one friend to be there. It gives me sads.

meijiaobaptist · July 2014

Negative, no family or friends in the delivery room. They will have time to participate after but that is not the time for participation.

tamarar5 · July 2014

I would actually be offended if anyone asked or assumed they would be wanted in the delivery room! I had only my mom for my first (her biodonor isn't party of our life), and it was a bad idea. The entire thing was my mom steamrolling what *I* wanted — I was on agony and she wanted me walking, I wanted the c/s when the Dr finally started talking about it (dd was stuck and decelled any time they tried to move me to get her unstuck) but mom pushed everyone into what she wanted and no one listened to me. And she wanted to talk about EVERYTHING — I was ready to use surgical glue to shut her up.

With my second, it was DH and he did everything I wanted. He stood there, held my hand or foot, and kept his damn mouth shut.

Moral of my experience, your body, your decision. There's a lot happening during birth that you can't unsee. Do you really want to go out for coffee with bff knowing she's seen your whohaa wide open and on display?

tamarar5 · July 2014

BTW, my mom also got to hold dd before me. NOT OK.

cappleby · July 2014

With my first I had such a good epidural that when my mom showed up at the hospital we let her come in to hang out since I was bored for half of labor. I told her and multiple doctors and nurses that I did not want her there when I started pushing. Well low and behold I started pushing and guess who was still there? No one even said anything to her. I'm the kind of person who when I am in pain I shut down other stimuli so I don't really talk and I usually have my eyes closed a lot so I literally didn't have the energy to tell her to get out. Then to make matters worse she told me I needed to push hard! At that point I managed to say that I was pushing hard but I was just getting mad and frustrated and it was breaking my concentration on getting the baby out. She ended up being there the whole time which was distracting because I was annoyed. The good thing was that she ended up getting a video of my son about one minute after he was born which I now love. Bad news was it was pretty upsetting at the time that no one was respecting my wishes and it damaged our relationship for a while. I'm just glad this time she can't be there because she has to watch my now two year old son! In her defense she says she was planning on leaving but that once I started pushing the room filled with people and she didn't think there was a way out! (Teaching hospital with not a lot of deliveries that day) and she says that she didn't mean to be critical of my pushing but I kind of take everything personally but still.

Unknown · July 2014

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kcm3 · July 2014

I would definitely take a firm stand. You do not want to regret a minute of the experience. My philosophy is it was only DH and I when the journey started, it's only going to be us at the finish. Good luck! I hope they are understanding for you.

Nuclearcupcake · July 2014

I had my inlaws last time because my husband was deployed. I chose their support over a doula and would choose them again. This time I'm playing it by ear now that H ia home. I liked having the support though. They helped keep me focused during my med free birth.

shaylagirl · July 2014

I suspect my mom wants to be in the room (she was there when DS was born), but...DH wants it to be just us, which is cool.

Everything I've heard/read is that the nurses/delivery team is there as your buffer. Tell them that you want it to be only you and your husband, and it seems like the nurses should be able to scoot them out when you're pushing ("Sorry, no room" or something else that sounds medically sound).

Yes, that's potentially the 'cowardly' way of handling it (letting someone else do the 'dirty work'), on the other hand, it sounds like your bestie and MIL just aren't getting it or don't want to respect your wishes.

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