Livid - WWYD?

TJ1979 · July 2014

The nanny and the other mom I share a nanny with took the kids to the pool today without asking or telling me. This involves 1) E being in someone else's car and 2) her being out of the house without my knowledge of her whereabouts.

A further complication is this other mom. I know it was all her idea, and the nanny would have never done this without the other mom suggesting it. We are having our own issues with the other mom that are technically outside the scope of the nanny arrangement, but that situation seems to be bleeding over.

I am not going to fire the nanny, but I am realizing a lot of flaws in our contract. For example not addressing disciplinary action (warnings up to firing) if she runs late, or does things against our wishes.

So obviously we need to have a serious talk with both the nanny and the other mom. I did tell them I was upset that they didn't call me, and that I needed to know where E was any time she left the house. And maybe I mostly just needed to vent. But, any advice? I'm so upset right now.

luvboston · July 2014

I am sorry your upset. Is the nanny never supposed to drive E anywhere does she text when they go for a walk? I was a nanny in college and unless the parents stated the kid couldn't do something I assumed we could go anywhere in fact I got tipped when I took them to extra activities. At the beg of the day I would usually tell the parents my ideas and they would normally just say that sounds wonderful or the beach towels are over there. It sounds like there is more going on.
Also it's summer I would expect the kids to go swimming or slip and sliding if a nanny always does the same thing I would fire them.

mdiblasi10 · July 2014

I would guess that there were all good intentions here, just not clear communication. You are the Mom and you are paying for the nanny's services, so if you want to be notified any time E will be leaving the house, then you should explain that to her. It seems to me that a chat with them both should remedy this problem from happening again. Just be very, very specific what you expect

I would have personally been pretty angry if my child was taken to a pool without my knowledge because I am a serious freak when it comes to water safety. In my case, I wouldn't allow G to swim in a pool (regular in ground pool - not water table, kiddie pool, slip-n-slide, etc) without me or MH because I'm absolutely terrified of drowning (I'm clearly a control freak. And I even have a pool in my backyard, G does swim lessons and swims very well!) On a walk? Not a big deal to me. But the pool would be.

BabyKsMommy · July 2014

I do daycare here and there for my friends children. I usually tell the parents when they drop them off in the morning, if we are planning on going anywhere. I wouldn't however take 2 kids to the pool because I'm only 1 person and it would make me nervous.

I do take them to the park, target, splash park, zoo, etc. I honestly think the moms that I did daycare for like when we get out of the house.

I just think you need to make your expectations clear to the nanny and other mom. And make the pool an off limits outing.

imoverit · July 2014

No advice but id be upset for sure. A quick text to see if it were ok would have been nice.

Jenny935 · July 2014

I would want to know where DS was if he was leaving the house, but the general conversation in the morning might be ok with me - except for the pool. That's a big deal. Maybe if they were bigger and all, but an almost 2 year old is enough at the pool without a 2nd kid to worry about, regardless of age. Are you coming up on a "milestone" date with the nanny? 1 yr, 2yrs, etc? Maybe you could talk to the other mom and the nanny about "Now that we've been doing this for awhile and the kids are getting older, let's sit down and talk about some revised expectations" or something like that. I've never been a nanny, but just with my own DS I can see that this summer is super different than last year because 4 months and 16 months is a whole new ballgame. Good luck.

TJ1979 · July 2014

Hmm, it never crossed my mind that I was wrong. I still feel like if she is going to be in someone's car, I need to know about it. And if it involves water, I need to okay in advance. I'm scared of water, and E is not very comfortable with it either. Honestly I didn't ever want them to go to the pool. It's too scary to me.

queenbone · July 2014

I would not be comfortable having two of my children in the pool with only me to supervise. I certainly would not be comfortable with someone else alone in the pool with my kid and another child to look after. You really need man-to-man in a pool, not zone defense. (And can I just say how freaked I am about this now with 3 children?! Going to 2 private pools this week. Nervous!)

Mrs.AmyDylan · July 2014

The pool thing is scary. I would never take two littles to the pool without 1:1 ratio.

However, if your nanny is allowed to drive E, it isn't unreasonable that she would want to take them out. If your nanny isn't allowed to drive E, this is a much larger issue.

So maybe get the nanny to avoid the pool (no swimming w/o mom or dad until swim teacher approves is a reasonable request), but maybe agree to several places that are okay?

kbeach82 · July 2014

We have always had our own nannies, so I am not super familiar with the nanny share situation; however, at the end of the day, you are (one of) the nanny's employers. She works for you and is responsible for E's care while she is with her. I think the most important thing is making your expectations clear to the nanny, even if the other mom doesn't necessarily share your parenting style, etc.

DS1's nanny (who has been with us for a year now) just texted me last week to see if it was ok if she took him swimming at her house. She would NEVER have taken him without asking me . I am much more lax with her about taking V out than I am with the twins' nanny because (a) she hasn't been with us nearly as long, (b) they are a lot younger than V, and (c) there are two of them. But I feel like both of our nannies are very clear on what is expected of them as far as communication goes, etc.

mcgeeva · July 2014

I haven't read all the responses yet but I would be pissed. To me the pool is a big big deal especially when kids can't swim yet. I will not allow my son to swim with anyone else besides myself or dh because I know it takes a second to turn around and a child drown. Since she works for you she should have told you 100% where you were. I am guessing though mabye the mom asking her to go she may have assumed you knew by the other parent? I would definitely talk to them and if the other parent seems to be an issue I would stop the nanny share with them. IF the nanny has been an issue from the begining I would definitely also look for a new nanny.

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