What I Really Want to Say

SouthRNComfort · June 2014

Up until recently my MIL has provided daycare to my daughter while I'm at work. She recently admitted that it's too tiring and she's not able to get any of her projects done while watching her so now she only watches her one day a week while we use daycare for the other four days a week. I respect her honesty since I know caring for a baby can be exhausting. The past couple of weeks she's come over wanting to spend time with the baby on the weekends. Since I work 50+ hr work weeks, I truly covet weekend time with my child. It worked out fine for a few weekends, she watched the baby while I cooked and got things ready for the week, but I'm afraid she's wanting more and more time on the weekend. I have to put the kibosh on that before it gets out of control. I know I have to put on my big girl panties and just say "enough, weekend time is parents'm time" but what I REALLY want to say is if you want to spend the whole day with your grandchild, then watch her more when I'm at work, don't take up Mommy time! There, I've said it. That feels better....until next weekend

lexusolsen · June 2014

When she calls (she does call, right?) just tell her that you have plans or now isn't a good time. You can always end with, "I'm sure dd is looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday" or whatever day she watches her.

VOR · June 2014

You can be nice about it and when she calls, just start being busy. Or even say "We're actually having a mommy and DD day/ a family day.". Be light about it. But put it out there.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Babysitting and grandparents time are two totally different animals. Honestly, it's a little snotty to say "if you want to see my child, you have to babysit her".

I enjoyed the free hands to get everything done (it gets harder when they are actually mobile).

But I do get how frustrating it can be for MIL to camp out all weekend. Been there, done that. I think the best way to alleviate drama is to be proactive and plan a time frame for her visit. Perhaps, earlier in the week, say something along the lines of "Does Saturday morning until noon work for you to visit?"

Katelobster · June 2014

Could your MIL pick your daughter up from daycare a couple hours early when she wants some extra time with her?

JackieB15 · June 2014

Katelobster said:

Could your MIL pick your daughter up from daycare a couple hours early when she wants some extra time with her?

I second this. My MIL always wants to baby-sit on the weekends, and I have no problem with that if I have something to do, but if I have nothing planned, I want to spend that time with my baby. I've told all the grandparents that if they want to pick her up from daycare early to let me know and I'll call over and give the okay. They've yet to take me up on it, but I think it's a fair compromise.

Virgo17 · June 2014

I do think coming to hang out for 1-2 hours is different than being all day childcare, so I can understand her wanting to visit. However, I would just try to identify certain times that work for your family.

If she wants to come over on a Sunday afternoon and it frees you up to prep for the week, I honestly would not mind that. I guess it depends on your relationship, but my MIL and I get along pretty well. I enjoy one-on-one time with my kids, but if we are just hanging around the house, I actually enjoy the company. We often have weekend visitors, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. They get to see the kids and it takes the pressure off of me to be the entertainment committee, so it's a win-win

If you have plans, just say "we are going to do XYZ, but you can come over at X o'clock, or tomorrow at X time". She sounds like a reasonable person.

MommyAtty · June 2014

Another vote for understanding where you're coming from. I guard weekends ferociously. It's one thing if I issue an invitation for a specific event. It's another for someone to just want to come camp out in my living room. The dynamic with my kids is completely different when my MIL is around, prob because she is our full-time daycare. And because she is boundary-challenged, but that's a subject for another time.

jenn43 · June 2014

I understand what people say about your MIL wanted to just visit, and not babysit, butI think you need to do what makes you the least stressed, and don't worry at all about what makes your MIL happy. My MIL is forever complaining that she doesn't see LO enough, but she also never comes over to our house. So I make sure to take him over twice a month for an hour or two. If she wants to see him more, she can stop by (we live 5 minutes away). She's not any happier, but I'm not as stressed out since I put my family's needs above hers. So if you don't want your MIL around every weekend, just set limits.

Mustardseed2007 · June 2014

The part of this that makes my spine shiver is the MIL coming over every weekend thing. Even if it were my mom this would drive me nuts.

For us grandparent time is a monthly thing, not an every weekend thing. Sometimes it's more than monthly depending on what's going on - like if there is a holiday and we're all hanging out and then the next weekend we have a date night and so they are helping us by watching the kids.

My mom also used to watch DS daily and no longer does, which is fine. But she doesn't come hang out at my house every weekend now. If she did I'd go bonkers.

rubber_chicken · June 2014

Mustardseed2007 said:

My mom also used to watch DS daily and no longer does, which is fine. But she doesn't come hang out at my house every weekend now. If she did I'd go bonkers.

DUDE. My ILs live 10 minutes away, and we still only see them every couple months. Who the hell wants to socialize with the same people every week?

ss265 · June 2014

Could you have her watch her on Friday nights so that you and DH can have a date night every Friday? DH and I do this almost every week and we love it. We bring DS to DH's parent's house, have them feed him dinner and put him to bed while we go out (we keep a PnP at their house for him). It doesn't eat into a lot of our time with DS and the grandparents get to spend time with him. They see DS the most out of their 8 grandchildren and are probably closest to him, as a result.

BlessedBee83 · June 2014

I love the pp compromise ideas: date nights or picking LO up a little early from DC. I'm with you on the weekends: my job requires some evenings in addition to 40+ day time hours, so I guard my weekends. Grandparents are super important...but they don't take priority over your ( limited) time with LO.

SouthRNComfort · July 2014

Thanks for the replies. I can see how she may feel about only being used for babysitting. My grandma watched me while my mother worked and I always just saw that as fun time with grandma, not babysitting. I think I still feel the sting from her telling everyone wih a pulse that she was going to watch the baby during the workweek to "eh, never mind" it's not as fun as she thought it would be. Sometimes I take it personally, as if she's suggesting my daughter is too needy and her babies were never like that. When really, I think she forgot how hard it is to care for an infant (I'm sure I'll forget one day too, perhaps that's nature's way of getting you to have a 2nd baby

Anyway, I like the date night idea. Not so much on the early pickup from daycare one.

sugarbear0524 · July 2014

My in-laws live in my neighborhood and MIL is obsessed with DS. One thing I've tried to do is invite them when I feel like having them over. Then I don't feel like I have to when things are stressful, I'm tired, or whatever. Sometimes when we're going to eat out, I'll have DH call them to see if they want to go. They appreciate being invited, and I don't feel like I have to have them over at other times.

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