How involved is DH?

spainy17 · June 2014

Without getting too long winded, I get sad often because DH is basically a filler parent. He doesn't complain about watching DD and they have a good time together, but he doesn't ever really step in and take any initiative with her and seems to give time away with her freely (I work every other weekend and he always seems to find "work" to do for part of the weekend since my mom loves to watch her).

He is good about doing things with her when he is on his time with her but because he only steps in when I am gone she vastly prefers me when we are all home so even when I leave the room to get things done DD will cry and seek me out. Thankfully my job forces me to leave and him take over on some evenings and some of every other weekend but seriously he probably does 5 percent of the parenting.

I love spending time with DD so that is why it is so weird to me. I also don't want to make him hang out with her. It is more like I am sad for him because he is missing out and sad for DD even though I know he is obviously more involved than some dads. I am hoping that as she gets older and more able to do more things he will step up but I just wondered how far out of the norm this is. Am I alone in this?

OK that did get long winded, sorry.

ungraceful13 · June 2014

I know you are not alone in this bc I hear lots of mother's complaining about this. However I can't really relate. DH is amazing with DD he loves to spend time with her and to take over when he comes home. Have you tried talking to him about it? Explaining how it makes you feel?

brachysira · June 2014

I'd say normal. DH loves hearing about DD, loves when she does cute things, and steps up when asked. But he is tired after work and would rather rest. He likes weekends to do chores, catch up on work, and read up on his interests. She loves da but wants mom when things go wrong or if she's nervous. Da is more fun and tosses her around so she likes when he plays with her. DH has to mow the lawn and clean the cat box (I'm pregnant) and he also does the dishes since they make me want to throw up in my current state. So overall, he's doing very well. We just have low expectations for each other and are happy with whatever we manage to accomplish.

martha919 · June 2014

Yeah...I am absolutely the primary caregiver, even when DH is home and free. It's just expected that I'm keeping an eye on her unless otherwise arranged. DH does volunteer to "watch" her so I can have a break, but I'm like...why do we have to schedule this? I'm beginning to think this is just the way it is with us and some things. He does nearly all of the parenting when SKs are over, so I know he's really good with the older kids. I think he just doesn't realize how draining it is to have half of my brain pay attention to her while I try to do other things.

spainy17 · June 2014

Even just these responses help. DH does do many things around the house and will do most anything I ask if I leave him a list so he definitely "contributes" to the running of the household, he just is by far a secondary caregiver.

The pp said it perfectly that he just prefers to do other things and i love being the caregiver so for a while I talked to him about it but it always seemed forced then and I would prefer him to want to do it so i don't want to force it. We are happy in our roles I just get sad when i really think about it and DD is just such a joy that I just cannot believe that he doesn't feel like he is missing out.

I am okay with it continuing this way since obviously DD has two parents that love her and we are both doing our part but it is just so skewed that I just wanted to know how normal it was. I wish he would want to be more involved but I just feel like you cannot create that role in people. He is great with his older nieces and nephews so it will be interesting to see if it changes with time. It helped to hear that there are others, thanks.

DCKate · June 2014

This is us, exactly. I have one small client and work from home, so I'm the primary caretaker for DD. DH is in his first year out of residency and works so hard for us. I know he's hurt that he misses so much and definitely takes over on the weekend.

That said, if homeboy could attempt to unload the dishwasher once in awhile, I would be terribly grateful!

MichieU79 said:
My husband is really involved with Jack, thankfully. However, he started a new job last year that doesn't give them much time together. He leaves before Jack is awake. He gets home just in time most nights to out Jack to sleep. The time they spend together is literally reading a few books and then rocking in the glider for 15 minutes. He has been working later and later latey also because he is up for a promotion at this job now, so there are days he doesn't even get to see him now. I get annoyed. During the weekdays I basically feel like the only parent sometimes. But I know he is working hard for us so how can I complain? Plus, once the weekends come he is all about spending time with his son. Besides his f/t job he also runs his own small business and only works on weekends when Jack is napping or asleep for the night. I really appreciate that, though I never asked him to do it.

With his old job he was able to be home more and a more active parent and I know he misses that a great deal. I understand why you're sad for your husband though. I feel the same way, and I have a husband who would like to be there more! Every weekend, my husband is both amazed and saddened by all the new things Jack does...he feels like he is missing out.

But I also think these things have ebbs and flows. You're husband may have a harder time trying to relate to your dd right now. Maybe it won't always be that way. And he does sound more active than a lot of dads I know. I think you're right to leave it alone. Stressing him out about it may make him even more distant. Men are so weird about that stuff!

Kara13360 · June 2014

DH doesn't do much parenting since he is always working and rarely home. His only day off is Sunday and he works so hard so I let him relax. He has watched DS alone for me when I was sick and for Mother's Day and that's about it. DS is a mommas boy to the extreme! Lol - when DS gets older and can get into stuff DH likes then they will be together more. DH is so sore all the time from work that it's hard for him to get on the floor and play with DS. DS prefers me over everyone including DH.

spainy17 · June 2014

You guys are awesome. Seriously. DH is a good guy and sometimes I wanna strangle him but I guess he sounds like he is on the spectrum of normal. I hope he gets more involved in time and I would need more from him if we ever have a second but it is nice just talking it out with you all.

It is just so nice to be able to connect with momma's that are all on the same page.

ReeceFamily · June 2014

Mine is pretty peripherally involved/when it is convenient for him. He loves DD to pieces but doesn't really spend significant time with her . We both work full time so it's not equitable at all. But I think this isn't uncommon in terms of marriages.

jobiann · June 2014

DH is great at playing with DS, comforting him, feeding him. But I'm the primary caregiver, I do most all the diaper changes, most meals, I get him ready for the day and ready for bed, baths, etc. Sometimes I wish he would do more, but let's face it...I love doing it!

URMySunshine77 · July 2014

MichieU79 said:

My husband is really involved with Jack, thankfully. However, he started a new job last year that doesn't give them much time together. He leaves before Jack is awake. He gets home just in time most nights to out Jack to sleep. The time they spend together is literally reading a few books and then rocking in the glider for 15 minutes. He has been working later and later latey also because he is up for a promotion at this job now, so there are days he doesn't even get to see him now. I get annoyed. During the weekdays I basically feel like the only parent sometimes. But I know he is working hard for us so how can I complain? Plus, once the weekends come he is all about spending time with his son. Besides his f/t job he also runs his own small business and only works on weekends when Jack is napping or asleep for the night. I really appreciate that, though I never asked him to do it.

With his old job he was able to be home more and a more active parent and I know he misses that a great deal. I understand why you're sad for your husband though. I feel the same way, and I have a husband who would like to be there more! Every weekend, my husband is both amazed and saddened by all the new things Jack does...he feels like he is missing out.
But I also think these things have ebbs and flows. You're husband may have a harder time trying to relate to your dd right now. Maybe it won't always be that way. And he does sound more active than a lot of dads I know. I think you're right to leave it alone. Stressing him out about it may make him even more distant. Men are so weird about that stuff!

@MichieU79: This is my DH, too.

At around 16 months DH started becoming more involved with playtime in the weekends because DS's play is more reciprocal now. I'm starting to block off an hour here or there for them to play so I can run an errand or make dinner.

BabyHope2013 · July 2014

My DH is a great dad---but I feel like I am definately the primary care giver. He has fun when it's playtime with DS. But I am the one that does bathtime, makes almost all meals, schedules the doctors appointments, generally takes off work when DS is sick and etc. Even on my days off I will plan fun things to do with DS, but DH just will stay home and let DS play with his toys at home.

It does bother me--especially when I am responsible for nearly all of the cleaning and errand running, on top of working full time and having a much longer commute to and from work than DH. I bring it up and nothing seems to change much. At this point I just chalk it up to being a mom and that's how it goes. He's a great dad, I just wish that I didn't have to feel like such a crazy person being a super-human sometimes to stay on top of everything like I do.

How involved is DH?

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