TTC am I being ridiculous?

dazdareis · June 2014

I'm very close with my cousin who got pregnant within the same week as me, back in Mar. I had my 3rd MC in Apr at 8 wks. She is still pregnant and went on FB to tell our whole family about her exciting news shortly after (at about 10 wks). I tried not to let it get to me. But isn't it a bit harsh to not warn me about the posting or am I overreacting? I'm once again TTC, in the 2WW right now. I mentioned it to her, and all I got back was "maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up again".

Trampslikeus · June 2014

Truly sorry for your losses, honestly.

But people shouldn't feel the need to "warn" you before they post something on their own facebook page.

Her response back to you does not sound like something someone you are "very close with" would say. But I guess without knowing what you said to her, its hard to judge.

We all have moments of jealousy - whether it be over weddings, babies, houses, what have you - its completely normal... but calling someone out for being excited about a major happy event in their lives is not cool and only reflects badly on you. I would apologize, and hope that she will apologize back for the unnecessarily harsh response. If she doesn't reciprocate the apology, she kinda sucks.

dazdareis · June 2014

I never called her on it. It's was an internal struggle, only. I've only responded with excitement. I think I'm just too sensitive about it. I guess, as they say, just grow a thicker skin.

dazdareis · June 2014

I meant to say was that I mentioned being in the 2WW, not my insecurities

Trampslikeus · June 2014

dazdareis said:

I never called her on it. It's was an internal struggle, only. I've only responded with excitement. I think I'm just too sensitive about it. I guess, as they say, just grow a thicker skin.

You specifically said you mentioned it to her and she responded?

Sorry if I misread, but thats what it looked like.

Trampslikeus · June 2014

dazdareis said:

I meant to say was that I mentioned being in the 2WW, not my insecurities

Gotcha. Well, then she sucks for saying that to you. But as far as the internet goes, you are in charge of your own destiny. No one should tell you that you need a "thicker skin", BUT, if seeing something like that on facebook will upset you, avoid facebook or have a friend skim it for you and hide posts that will make you upset. I have several members of my family hidden for this reason because they post homophobic shit and I don't need to start my day out shaking with rage. It works

dazdareis · June 2014

I think that's a good idea. I think during this stage, 16+ cycles of TTC incl the MCs, I've just gotten overly sensitive about it. I won't delete friends, but I can unsubscribe to them.

Wine&Cupcakes · June 2014

Sorry for your losses. If she is a close friend/family member in your life, then yes, I feel as if a heads up would have been nice. I feel that in a similar situation, I would tell a good friend of mine in person prior to FB, but, like many on here have said...she has no obligation to do this. To echo a PP, hide her updates. It works.

myatala · June 2014

One of my relatives I'm quite close with is having some struggles TTC, info she's not telling everyone but felt ready to confide in me about. I told her we're currently TTC and that if/when I get pregnant I will tell her in e-mail right away so she can process the news before I announce anything on FB, because it's important to me she not be blindsided on social media.

SpartanChick88 · June 2014

I think all of the above is good advice. Her response to you really was dickish and you have a right to be hurt. I've been in your shoes... my oldest friend in the world (with whom I am not really friends anymore because of other stuff) and my SIL both after my mc. SIL wasn't bad except for birth order (younger bro) but friend was very excited and it was just me me me with her alllll the time. Here's me, raw with my loss and she just went on and on about how great it was to be pregnant.

All I can recommend to you is to limit contact with her and hide her feed. I would hope she would be sensitive to you when one on one, but FB is a different story and you are better off avoiding that part of it. If she makes you sad when face to face you need to ask her to tone it down a little... it's a hard thing to do but again, I would hope she would care about you enough to not make you listen to something that upsets you.

HUGS

dazdareis · June 2014

Thanks ladies. I don't have any female friends and my hubby pretty much said "just move on". I think I just needed to hear other women's perspective. I've hidden the feeds and will just move on from TTC conversations in the future. Sometimes you just need to hear "good luck" instead of "don't get your hopes up". I Appreciate it ladies!

lizzyp9112 · June 2014

dazdareis said:

Thanks ladies. I don't have any female friends and my hubby pretty much said "just move on". I think I just needed to hear other women's perspective. I've hidden the feeds and will just move on from TTC conversations in the future. Sometimes you just need to hear "good luck" instead of "don't get your hopes up". I Appreciate it ladies!

That is why this board is so great-- you have a community where people can support each other. You give support and get support in return. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. It is tough to balance the jealousy and sadness when TTC is already suck a mind fuck.

Good luck to you- stick around and get to know this bunch. You will learn a lot!

Catcherryesux · June 2014

I'm trying to think in what possible world is her response to you at all okay, and I'm coming up empty. I can sort of see the mixed feelings behind someone you love getting pregnant knowing how badly they were devastated before, but those probably should be kept quiet. While I don't think she needs to censor her facebook page, I'm having a hard time coming up with something to defend her regarding her comment to you. Sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you soon.

gscoville · June 2014

Generally I think a person who's had trouble TTC/MC deserves a warning when a friend or family member becomes pregnant, before they announce, and you had that, you already knew she was pregnant. Beyond that, there's no obligation, I mean, you had to know she was going to announce at some point, right? At least she didn't do it at a family gathering where you had to deal with holding it together in front of everyone, FB is really one of the more innocuous ways to do it compared to the many other shitty in-your-face ways I've heard of on here. Ultimately, others are not required to hide or not share their excitement and happiness on their own FB feeds. I've learned through my own loss that it's up to me to protect myself by hiding those whose posts might be hurtful, I've hidden several acquaintances who announced their pregnancies on FB precisely because I knew they'd likely post more, but I certainly didn't think poorly of them for announcing there, nor did I drag them down by calling them out about posting on FB and making my problem theirs.

Catcherryesux · July 2014

mal922 said:

First, I'm very sorry for your losses. I wouldn't get upset with a family member or close friend about the FB post, but must admit I personally don't get announcing a pregnancy to close family and friends via FB (versus personally contacting them in a less public forum). Maybe that's because I'm in my mid-30s and have become an old person. . ...

It's been my experience that most women I know will privately inform close family and friends then let all their B list contacts know via facebook. And there is always, always, some jackass that has to comment- yay, I can finally talk about this now! as if not being able to discuss someone else's pregnancy is really that difficult and as if that post wasn't just a way to announce that they are an A list contact that knew long before the facebook post.

From what the OP said, sounds like she was informed of the pregnancy prior to facebook post, but not informed that Cousin was going to make an FB post and wasn't expecting to see it in her newsfeed when she logged in to FB.

gscoville · July 2014

WhoCanItBeNow said:

gscoville said:

Generally I think a person who's had trouble TTC/MC deserves a warning when a friend or family member becomes pregnant, before they announce, and you had that, you already knew she was pregnant. Beyond that, there's no obligation, I mean, you had to know she was going to announce at some point, right? At least she didn't do it at a family gathering where you had to deal with holding it together in front of everyone, FB is really one of the more innocuous ways to do it compared to the many other shitty in-your-face ways I've heard of on here. Ultimately, others are not required to hide or not share their excitement and happiness on their own FB feeds. I've learned through my own loss that it's up to me to protect myself by hiding those whose posts might be hurtful, I've hidden several acquaintances who announced their pregnancies on FB precisely because I knew they'd likely post more, but I certainly didn't think poorly of them for announcing there, nor did I drag them down by calling them out about posting on FB and making my problem theirs.

Provided they even know about it. Many keep quiet, so this isn't an option.

Of course, I did say this within the context of OP's situation where she and her cousin knew of each other's pregnancies, and OP's cousin obviously knew of OP's loss; and within the context of my own loss, where unfortunately we had told everyone then had to 'untell'. Because people knew of our loss, I did have two friends notify me privately when they got pregnant so I could deal with things on my own terms before a general announcement was made. Quite obviously people can't be warned ahead of an announcement if they haven't told others about their loss.

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