DH, we aren't having sex...

BeetleBugHafSheJani · June 2014

Tomorrow is my six week checkup with my OB and my husband has been counting down the days. Unfortunately I couldn't care less about having sex right now, I would rather use the time to catch up on the laundry he won't help me fold, the dishes he doesn't seem to notice sitting in the sink or vacuum the carpet that hasn't been touched since the day before I went into the hospital to be induced. I have tried to drop hints that there will be no hanky panty until he helps me catch up on some household chores but I feel guilty and stereotypical withholding sex to get chores done. Is/has anyone else dealt with the same problem? Right now I am just so frustrated with him not helping that the thought of having sex with him just makes me even angrier.

gutsysneakers · June 2014

DH has been helping way more than I expected. Like @anniemore - I take the entire night shift and will continue to do so while on mat leave.

OP- if if makes you feel any better I was cleared today and I'm not having sex with DH anytime soon. I'm not mentally ready and I know that's 75% of it. You're not alone. For whatever reason.

ns1 · June 2014

I don't spend a long time dropping hints. I think you are at the point where you need to straight up tell him that you need his help with x, y, and z.

fussybunch · June 2014

I agree with @anniemore, to tell DH exactly what needs to be done around the house. My DH does not understand subtle hints at all.

Maybe talk openly with him about the fact that you will feel less stress if he helps you with chores. Once you feel less stressed, you may be more open to the idea of sex.

dogsombrero · June 2014

I'm not cleared but DH and I aren't ready anyway we had the talk prior to my 6 week checkup. We own a business and are house hunting so we have a lot going on outside of having a newborn.

It's time to tell you DH it ain't gonna happen until you are damn good and ready you could also add that desperation is a stinky cologne. In terms of getting him to help sometimes men need things spelled out. I leave DH a note after my MOTN feeding with the specific things I need him to do in the morning to help me.

spinsoffresonance · July 2014

I got cleared 2w ago. Definitely hasn't happened yet. I have zero desire to right now and with 2U2 and bed sharing there just never is anytime that both kids are asleep at the same time and not on me. DH hasn't asked about it either, I think he realizes it's logistically impossible right now.

Helmink0804 · July 2014

He goes into work at 1pm sometimes 12pm and gets out anytime after 1030pm so I told him I'll take any shift before 9am but after that you're it- I don't start work until 3pm. He's off all this starting tomorrow and I'm not so I told him he has to do all shifts. He's been doing the laundry ever since I got pregnant since the washer and dryer are in the basement he didn't want me carrying loads up and down. When he feels like being extra sweet he'll do housework.

momo214 · July 2014

I could have written your post. I have my appt tomorrow but I am 99% sure things are not up to par down there. Plus all I think is sex=pregnancy=baby. No. No. No.

jsaffer01 · July 2014

I agree with PP. MH doesn't take hints well, so I have to flat out ask him to help me with things. He keeps asking me when we can have sex, I told him I prefer sleep at this point. I have my appt tomorrow so we'll see what she says. But I don't really have any desire to be sexy at the moment. Esp when it's 90degrees out and we'd already be starting off sweaty to just get more sweaty and then we'll stick to each other and We'll have to pull apart our bodies and it'll hurt skin ripping skin. Ya doesn't sound as much fun as sleeping to me at the moment. Haha!

DBonfante · July 2014

On the flip side I can't wait. This is probably because H is being an amazing help. He has been helping with laundry and light cleaning around the house (when I ask for it). He has also been staying home with LO occasionally so I can run some errands and get some air. We are also both teachers so I realize this impacts his ability to help. I agree with pp ask for help and maybe that will increase your desire. It's a win win -you get the help you need and you both feel more romantic.

Bootsie327 · July 2014

kitchencolors said:
I don't get why you "withholding sex" is any worse than him pressuring you for it. IMO sex should be mutually desired. That you physically/medically can have sex without harm doesn't mean you owe it to him.

On a related note I find the number of husbands who seem to be thinking that an OB saying it's safe for a woman to engage in intercourse following the birth of a child is the same as a woman wanting to engage really astonishing, TBH. And the number of women taking it as a given that they are obligated in some way to engage even if they have no desire - I find that shocking also. But whatever, not my sex life, not my place to judge.

Perfectly stated. You need to talk to him, ask him for help, and tell him that you're not ready for sex yet. Communication.

LeeLee86 · July 2014

I was cleared and waited 2 more weeks but honestly I was just really scared. Once we finally did it I felt SO much better and it even felt good which surprised me. It made me feel a little bit more my normal self and def more connected to DH. That being said, if you are holding resentment from him not helping, sex partaking or withholding is not the issue. You both need to get on the same page. Parenting won't get easier from here so it's good practice to talk it out now!

haylo33 · July 2014

My husband and I had a conversation when the baby was about 2 weeks old after I got upset because I was overwhelmed. I'm not good at asking for help. I do everything myself then get upset when no one helps. DH basically said please tell me what you need and I'll do it. He is another one that prefers to be asked directly. I was afraid I would make him unhappy by asking too much of him. But happy wife, happy life. DH gets crazy worried if I'm even the slightest bit upset. Since I'm less stressed, he is happy. Even if that means more work.

pistolpackinmomma · July 2014

My husband definitely needs a list of this is what I need you to do items. He's gone all week so when he gets home he doesn't know what needs done and some things he doesn't even know where they are. I get frustrated until I remind myself that he seriously has no idea what needs done. I had to explain to him that I do want sex and I do want him but any time spent on sex is less sleep for me because either I'm skipping sleep directly or chores that need done. He understood and said he appreciates me making the time for him but also explained that he has been wanting more because of how much he travels and how attractive he finds me. He also made sure I knew that he does not expect me to put out but will gladly take it any time I offer.

It sounds like you two need a very serious, direct, and honest conversation.

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