Totally exhausted ,boyfriend not understanding.

designchica · June 2014

I'm exhausted lately. They say it gets better in the second trimester but I am just now entering that.

I was under the pressure getting fired from my job on July 1st for not meeting my sales quota the past few months and I have been scrambling to find another job so that I could quit before I got fired. (I managed to find a job, yay!)

The stress of the job combined with the physical exhaustion of pregnancy are just totally wiping me out.

My boyfriend is not being very supportive or understanding of just how exhausted I am. When I try to explain that I'm fighting migraines, cold sores, and total exhaustion, he mocks me and says that I'm always exhausted and then went as far as to say that he is concerned about my ability to be a mother to our child since I"m so exhausted all the time.

My therapist, mom, and friend all think I should dump this guy because he is adding to the stress of my pregnancy, but I love him and want to make it work. It does feel like he is just making things harder for me though. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'm just hoping and praying that the exhaustion gets better rapidly the further into my second trimester I get. Any advice on how to get through the exhaustion? I feel like I'm on the verge of total collapse. I am starting my new job next week and I feel totally depleted of energy and am stressed about keeping my boyfriend happy. I don't know how to do it all.

nashamber · June 2014

I'm a FTM and from what I've been told, the hardest yet most rewarding part of this journey begins after the baby is born. If he's not understanding this early in the journey, it may get worse after your baby is born.

My best advice is to somehow lessen your stress. High stress can easily increase exhaustion. It's a snowball effect and something needs to change. Perhaps you can have a serious heart-to-heart conversation with him about your needs and he about his needs. I hope everything works out for the best!

agsgrrl · June 2014

*sigh* for some reason pregnancy/impending fatherhood can totally turn a guy into a dipshit.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

You're growing a person. Obviously you're tired. And if you decide to keep him around, he'll be exhausted when the baby is up all night.

He sounds... awful. Could you stay with your mom for a little bit and see if you're happier? You don't owe it to your boyfriend to make him happy. You do, however, owe it to yourself and that baby. Pregnancy is less exhausting when you have support from someone. And the exhaustion in my experience does get better. I also drink coffee and that helps.

I hope this all works out.

courtd2 · June 2014

Has he been to any of the appointments? My husband was saying things like that (never questioned my ability to be a good mother though). So when we were at my midwife appointment, we asked her about the fatigue, sleeping, and grumpies. She explained it was all normal and every pregnancy was different.

My husband now lets me sleep in, helps clean up, and buzzes off when I'm feeling grumpy.

Maybe your BF needs to hear it from a professional. And if things don't change, I know a nice curb to dump him on.

CandEChicago · June 2014

designchica said:
I'm exhausted lately. They say it gets better in the second trimester but I am just now entering that.

I was under the pressure getting fired from my job on July 1st for not meeting my sales quota the past few months and I have been scrambling to find another job so that I could quit before I got fired. (I managed to find a job, yay!)

The stress of the job combined with the physical exhaustion of pregnancy are just totally wiping me out.

My boyfriend is not being very supportive or understanding of just how exhausted I am. When I try to explain that I'm fighting migraines, cold sores, and total exhaustion, he mocks me and says that I'm always exhausted and then went as far as to say that he is concerned about my ability to be a mother to our child since I"m so exhausted all the time.

My therapist, mom, and friend all think I should dump this guy because he is adding to the stress of my pregnancy, but I love him and want to make it work. It does feel like he is just making things harder for me though. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'm just hoping and praying that the exhaustion gets better rapidly the further into my second trimester I get. Any advice on how to get through the exhaustion? I feel like I'm on the verge of total collapse. I am starting my new job next week and I feel totally depleted of energy and am stressed about keeping my boyfriend happy. I don't know how to do it all.

That is a tough one but you have some 3rd party info from your therapist, mom, etc. How long have you been dating? Just because you dump him doesn't mean he is out of your life since it sounds like he is also the father of your LO.

Annaess26 · June 2014

I agree with all of these ladies and can relate to an extent.
My man wasnt thrilled when we found out I was pregnant. Its wasnt easy the first tri with him.. we wanted to travel and do something more exciting with our lives so he wasnt thrilled. But it takes 2 to tango.. regardless. We talked alot and worked it out he is much more helpful and helps me a ton.
Still he has his immature moments like I think every expecting younger man would but all in all I know we can do this .. we know we can do this and remain a happy couple.

So long story short. Its up to you to ditch. Talk or ignore the problem. If your heart says no best to do it sooner than later if you know for a fact that things wont change.

Lauradi1010 · June 2014

Pregnancy turns men into idiots. Until I threw up every day for 4 weeks my hubby thought I was "over playing" pregnancy symptoms. It finally took both the OB telling me to err on the side of caution w/ activities and his sister (who is a nurse) to get him to worry. BTW, my H said the same exact thing.He's lucky I didn't kill him for the comment. Instead I told his mother, who told his sisters and he got his ass handed to him.

edit: spelling is hard on mobile.

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

I'm really concerned that so many people want you to dump the father of your LO. You might love him but is he really acting like he loves you? Or the baby? He sounds like a jerk. Instead of worrying about keeping him happy, try to remind him that he needs to make you happy too. I can respect you wanting to make it work but sometimes space can really help clear your mind, plus you need a chance to relax before you endanger yourself or your LO. You don't have to dump him, just take a small break for your own well being.

Good luck!

Eora3 · June 2014

You definitely need to have a serious sit-down conversation with him. If he unable to support you emotionally at this point, how is he going to handle your recovery after you have the baby? What happens if you need a c-section? Can you depend on him to help with both your recovery and with the baby? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he is giving you a pretty clear message of "don't count on me".

Maybe you need to think about staying with family or friends after you have the baby. Let him know that you are considering this option because of his negative and unsupportive attitude.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

To add to the above and to echo what others are saying, him going to the doctor with you might help. Our first was a big surprise to us and neither of us had dealt with the pregnancy stuff before, but MH (who was my boyfriend at the time) was extremely understanding. He also came to the first few appointments with me (before we realized they were going to be super boring for him until the last few) and just about every ultrasound so he knew right off the bat that everything I was complaining about was legit. While I think it's hard for men to get what we go through being pregnant, it's very possible for them to be understanding. Maybe he does just need to hear it from someone with MD after their name.

ghostof5letters · June 2014

designchica said:

My therapist, mom, and friend all think I should dump this guy because he is adding to the stress of my pregnancy, but I love him and want to make it work. It does feel like he is just making things harder for me though. I don't know what to do.

That's a lot of people, who genuinely have your best interest at heart, that have similar opinions.

cuntasaurusrex · June 2014

IS NO ONE GOING TO POINT OUT THE HERPES?

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Lauradi1010 said:

Pregnancy turns men into idiots. Until I threw up every day for 4 weeks my hubby thought I was "over playing" pregnancy symptoms. It finally took both the OB telling me to err on the side of caution w/ activities and his sister (who is a nurse) to get him to worry. BTW, my H said the same exact thing.He's lucky I didn't kill him for the comment. Instead I told his mother, who told his sisters and he got his ass handed to him. edit: spelling is hard on mobile.

I'm sorry, but I take issue with some of these comments. No, pregnancy does not magically turn men into idiots and just like not all woman are the same, not all men are the same either. My husband has been nothing but kind an considerate throughout all of my pregnancies.

cuntasaurusrex · June 2014

chayshay1408 said:

aliletz said:

IS NO ONE GOING TO POINT OUT THE HERPES?

I don't see how cold sores are relevant?

To a post about exhaustion? Me either, but she brought it up, so I want to know more about the herp!

lionyloo32 · June 2014

Ainslie325 said:

@alilet You understand that oral and genital herpes are two different viruses, right? I suppose OP was bringing it up to try to fully explain the extent to which she was feeling horrible in order to make the insensitivity of her BF's reaction more clear.

THIS

There are two types of HSV.

HSV type 1 causes cold sores (also called fever blisters) on the lips. HSV-1 is generally spread by kissing or by sharing eating utensils (such as spoons or forks) when sores are present. HSV-1 can also cause sores around the genitals.
HSV type 2 causes sores in the genital area (genital herpes), such as on or around the vagina or penis. HSV-2 also causes the herpes infection seen in babies who are delivered vaginally in women who have genital herpes. HSV-2 is generally spread by sexual contact. HSV-2 can sometimes cause mouth sores.

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

Lauradi1010 said:

Pregnancy turns men into idiots. Until I threw up every day for 4 weeks my hubby thought I was "over playing" pregnancy symptoms. It finally took both the OB telling me to err on the side of caution w/ activities and his sister (who is a nurse) to get him to worry. BTW, my H said the same exact thing.He's lucky I didn't kill him for the comment. Instead I told his mother, who told his sisters and he got his ass handed to him. edit: spelling is hard on mobile.

I'm sorry, but I take issue with some of these comments. No, pregnancy does not magically turn men into idiots and just like not all woman are the same, not all men are the same either. My husband has been nothing but kind an considerate throughout all of my pregnancies.

Agreed. If you are with a jerk, maybe it's just more obvious when you can't tend to his every selfish need? My husband has been amazing but he was amazing before now. Everyone is different and I get that a lot of guys are going to be stressed/nervous especially for the first kid but not all guys are going to need his whole family and a doctor to gang up together to get him to give you a break.

designchica · June 2014

Hi everyone,

I wanted to thank you all for the responses and I have read them all but haven't had the chance to respond to them individually. I am a total wreck this morning. I got a call from our couples therapist telling me how sorry he was to hear that the relationship is over. I was shocked to get this call as my boyfriend had not told me he was breaking up with me. My therapist assumed that I already knew. It was really shitty.

My boyfriend says that he has hope that someday we will find our way back to each other but that for now, he doesn't want to be in the relationship. He also cancelled our fourth of july babymoon to San Diego.

I'm upset because I love him, but I am so horrified by how he handled things today that I know its for the best. We will not be finding our way back to each other. I am not going to be with a man who abandons me while I'm pregnant. Through all the tears and pain, I found myself laughing at the absurdity of his thought that someday we will be together . Like, "this breakup is temporary. I'm just going to abandon you during your pregnancy and while our baby is an infant, but once all that passes, we will get back together". Right. He didn't even have the courtesy of breaking up with me, he made our therapist do his dirty work for him. Total turn off.

CandEChicago · June 2014

designchica said:

Hi everyone,

I wanted to thank you all for the responses and I have read them all but haven't had the chance to respond to them individually. I am a total wreck this morning. I got a call from our couples therapist telling me how sorry he was to hear that the relationship is over. I was shocked to get this call as my boyfriend had not told me he was breaking up with me. My therapist assumed that I already knew. It was really shitty.

My boyfriend says that he has hope that someday we will find our way back to each other but that for now, he doesn't want to be in the relationship. He also cancelled our fourth of july babymoon to San Diego.

I'm upset because I love him, but I am so horrified by how he handled things today that I know its for the best. We will not be finding our way back to each other. I am not going to be with a man who abandons me while I'm pregnant. Through all the tears and pain, I found myself laughing at the absurdity of his thought that someday we will be together . Like, "this breakup is temporary. I'm just going to abandon you during your pregnancy and while our baby is an infant, but once all that passes, we will get back together". Right. He didn't even have the courtesy of breaking up with me, he made our therapist do his dirty work for him. Total turn off.

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear that you had to find out that way.

designchica · June 2014

I wanted to add that when I got pregnant, my boyfriend asked me to have an abortion even though we had planned the pregnancy. He was upset about something in our relationship and reacted by telling me I ought to just have an abortion.

I look back on that now in light of what happened today and I realize how stupid I was to have even continued talking to him after that. That should have been a huge red flag but I chose to ignore it, I guess because I loved him and hoped he would change. I feel stupid now.

I don't think he ever really loved me or this baby.

designchica · June 2014

Regarding the issue with the cold sore, I brought it up because I get them when I am exhausted and my immune system has been compromised. I've had them since I was three years old and when I get them, its a sign that I am run down and need to rest.

CandEChicago · June 2014

designchica said:

I wanted to add that when I got pregnant, my boyfriend asked me to have an abortion even though we had planned the pregnancy. He was upset about something in our relationship and reacted by telling me I ought to just have an abortion.

I look back on that now in light of what happened today and I realize how stupid I was to have even continued talking to him after that. That should have been a huge red flag but I chose to ignore it, I guess because I loved him and hoped he would change. I feel stupid now.

I don't think he ever really loved me or this baby.

Geez... this guy is sounding interesting. Hopefully you can continue with the therapist for a bit since the therapist is familiar with the back story and be a person there for you to talk to over the next several months or so.

ETA: Yeah... looking back through some of your discussion history... I remember you posting about his ex stalking you. Definately an interesting guy.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

I am so sorry. He sounds awful but I think it is healthy to allow yourself to be sad. Perhaps talk to your therapist about your feelings and your fears.

perfectlove09 · June 2014

I'm so sorry. Really I am. It sounds like you have a very supportive mother and friends and I hope that you can lean on them for the remainder of your pregnancy and after the baby is born. It's sad but probably best that he's gone now and not later. You'll have more time to adjust and read up on co-parenting or single parenting.

I hope that you're first week of work goes well at you're new job. Try to relax when ever possible and buy some lavender essential oil and maybe some lemon too. They do wonders for me

I wish I knew what else to say.

haleyusf · June 2014

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this extra stress right now. I hope that now he's made his choice, you can move on and focus on what's best for you and your little one.

Regarding the exhaustion, yes, pregnancy and stress can make you exhausted, but it wouldn't hurt to also have your iron, Vitamins B (6 and 12) and D levels tested. Deficiencies in both are extremely common and can contribute to a weakened immune system and fatigue.

nashamber · June 2014

designchica said:
Hi everyone,

I wanted to thank you all for the responses and I have read them all but haven't had the chance to respond to them individually. I am a total wreck this morning. I got a call from our couples therapist telling me how sorry he was to hear that the relationship is over. I was shocked to get this call as my boyfriend had not told me he was breaking up with me. My therapist assumed that I already knew. It was really shitty.

My boyfriend says that he has hope that someday we will find our way back to each other but that for now, he doesn't want to be in the relationship. He also cancelled our fourth of july babymoon to San Diego.

I'm upset because I love him, but I am so horrified by how he handled things today that I know its for the best. We will not be finding our way back to each other. I am not going to be with a man who abandons me while I'm pregnant. Through all the tears and pain, I found myself laughing at the absurdity of his thought that someday we will be together . Like, "this breakup is temporary. I'm just going to abandon you during your pregnancy and while our baby is an infant, but once all that passes, we will get back together". Right. He didn't even have the courtesy of breaking up with me, he made our therapist do his dirty work for him. Total turn off.

I am so sorry that you have this added stress. You deserve better. Try to remember that when one door closes an even better one opens. In the meantime, focus your precious energy on you and baby.

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

designchica said:

I wanted to add that when I got pregnant, my boyfriend asked me to have an abortion even though we had planned the pregnancy. He was upset about something in our relationship and reacted by telling me I ought to just have an abortion.

I look back on that now in light of what happened today and I realize how stupid I was to have even continued talking to him after that. That should have been a huge red flag but I chose to ignore it, I guess because I loved him and hoped he would change. I feel stupid now.

I don't think he ever really loved me or this baby.

Don't beat yourself up, it's hard to see the faults in the people we love - especially when we are most vulnerable like pregnancy. I'm so sorry you are going though this. Being a single mom will be hard but not nearly as hard as dealing with someone like that. And I completely agree... he doesn't get to "skip" the hardship of taking care of a newborn and still get to have his family.

Take care of yourself

SoyMissK8 · June 2014

Have you considered asking him to come with you to therapy for a session? My husband gets frustrated with how exhausted I am still. He has been picking up a lot of slack for me, but he is understanding overall and I can't imagine if he weren't. I'm taking classes this summer that are sucking all my energy that's left...

lionyloo32 · June 2014

So sorry you have to go through all this OP! Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. It will be hard, but at least you only have to raise one child, not two (counting him as a child). Take care of yourself and maybe talk to the doc to see if there's something you can do to boost your immune system a bit.

ColeyCannoli · June 2014

aliletz said:

chayshay1408 said:

aliletz said:

IS NO ONE GOING TO POINT OUT THE HERPES?

I don't see how cold sores are relevant?

To a post about exhaustion? Me either, but she brought it up, so I want to know more about the herp!

I wasn't sure what people were talking about so I had to look back and find this. "I want to know more about the herp!" is probably the most childish thing I've seen on these forums. What is so scandalous about cold sores? You can get them from chap stick.

designchica · June 2014

Thanks, ladies for all of the support. It means a lot. I also appreciate those who defended me against the attacks on my cold sores. I've had them since I was 3, I got them from a family friend who kissed me. I am not ashamed, despite the poster who ignorantly attacked me about it.

@Ainslie325, yeah I think I have posted here before about some of the stress with my boyfriend and him having asked me to have an abortion.

He really is not a horrible person, but he is terribly needy and manipulative. I am sad, but I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel ready to move on without him. The more that I have processed how he went about ending the relationship, the more disgusted i am. I am sad that he is the father of my baby. I feel bad for my son, that his father is such a child. I am disappointed with myself for having procreated with this man. And now I'm stuck with having to pretend to have respect for him, for the sake of our baby.

It will all be okay though.

Thanks again for all the support.

nashamber · June 2014

aliletz said:

chayshay1408 said:

aliletz said:

IS NO ONE GOING TO POINT OUT THE HERPES?

I don't see how cold sores are relevant?

To a post about exhaustion? Me either, but she brought it up, so I want to know more about the herp!

WTF?!? The poor woman is going through a difficult time and is looking for comfort, and all you can think about is the herp? I read her post and didn't even translate the comment about her cold sores to herpes.

CandEChicago · June 2014

NandaB said:

Also, I'm not going to bother looking for who it was to tag, but its childish and insensitive to be all ZOMG HERPES TELL ME MORE!!! When a member of the board is asking for advice/support with a pretty big situation. You are gross. And really, slut shaming? Double gross.

The poster appears to be from July 2014. Doesn't excuse the comment, but I am thankful it was not a D14 lady...since you know we haven't had enough drama on this board already.

(Also I am purposefully not tagging her or mentioning her SN)

littleboyermoose · June 2014

Seriously- the herpes thing? @aliletz-- I think your post was in poor taste, your timing sucked, and @NandaB‌ was dead on with everything she said. Get some class.

@designchica‌ - I will be thinking about you, because I know what you're going through is not easy, but I agree with others who said you're better off. You totally are.

path75 · June 2014

So sorry you are going through this situation. I hope your stress eases soon and you get the support you need.

VyD81 · June 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this with your boyfriend. I agree with people that you may be better off without him. The most important thing right now is your health and baby's health. My aunt left her husband when she was 6 months pregnant and a 1 year old, it was the best decision she ever made because he turned out to be a bigger jerk than when she was with him. She struggled raising both kids on her own, however, she was happy.

You should have a long talk with him before making your decision so you don't have any regrets and make the best decision for you and your baby boy.

allonsyalonso · June 2014

I'm so sorry to hear this, but it sounds like you have a good attitude about moving forward. Hugs, lady.

cuntasaurusrex · June 2014

NandaB said:

Also, I'm not going to bother looking for who it was to tag, but its childish and insensitive to be all ZOMG HERPES TELL ME MORE!!! When a member of the board is asking for advice/support with a pretty big situation. You are gross. And really, slut shaming? Double gross. Eta: and nice try with the trying to be all "gotcha!" and then nonchalant about "whaaa, I just wanted to know more" what if it was genital herpes, did you want to hear the story about how she had sex?

@littleboyermoose thanks for the tag, I forgot I'd posted here. I think you misread my tone/nonchalance, I was definitely laughing about the entire thing all the way through and never meant to convey any sort of sympathy there. And yes, I am aware that there's a difference between vaginal and oral herpes- where did I state that I didn't? It's all HSV, correct. Do you guys know what that stands for?

Regardless, I'm owning what I said and and my intention for it, but do apologize as I was just in a total dickwad mood earlier today and was obviously being childish and feeling sanctimonious. Sorry, OP, and I hope it all works out for you.

LinziLoo09 · June 2014

OP I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. You sound like a strong woman who is handling things very well. From how your boyfriend acted prior to the breakup, I wouldn't be surprised if this turns out to be a great blessing in disguise, but I hate that you have had to go through what you have. **HUGS**

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