others' pregnancies/babies still difficult

angelsnight · June 2014

I thought once our rainbow was here I wouldn't have a hard time hearing about others' pregnancies but I am. A friend's wife just had her baby the other day and for some reason all of her FB posts have really got me in a funk.

Their baby was born last Monday and yesterday was their one year wedding anniversary, so clearly they got pregnant rather quick, and their pregnancy was complication free. I would never wish infertility and loss on anyone, but it's hard to see others so blissful when everything is so easy for them. Then she said on FB how God has been so generous to them in this last year.....so I guess God decided not to be generous to us when we dealt with infertility, and two losses.

I was already about 4 months pregnant with our rainbow when this friend announced their pregnancy to us. But it had only been 7 months since our daughter was stillborn. I know it isn't fair to be mad at someone for something that didn't happen, but knowing how this guy is, I just know if we hadn't gotten lucky and got pregnant again he wouldn't have been sensitive about telling us.

I love my rainbow more than life itself and I am so thankful for her, so I feel like a horrible human being to be bothered by this. I guess I'm still just very angry over our loss, and it's not fair that some people get to skate through life with no problems. Just needed to vent.

HopingforChange · June 2014

I think what you're feeling is normal. ((Hugs)). I had early losses, so I can only imagine what you went through. Of course that experience will leave scars and lead you to question life/faith. Please be gentle with yourself. I imagine that time and meditation will do a lot to ease your jealousy. More ((hugs))

Mom2anAngel2 · June 2014

I get those feelings too. It is not that I want anyone to go through the pain that DH have endured, I think it is more that it reminds me how difficult our journey has been and that I wish I could be as carefree as others.

((HUGS)) you are not a bad person to have these thoughts, you're just human. I human being who has endured a pain that will never heal. More ((HUGS))

hungryhippo · June 2014

I agree with HFC that this is totally normal. Having a rainbow has helped me immensely with healing, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel grief for my lost babies and anger for the long road we weathered to get our rainbow.

Warning pg/loss mentioned, not mine

I'm currently hearing from two friends on opposite sides of the world having totally opposite experiences for babies that are/were due days apart. One has terrible, awful morning sickness. The other is about to endure her second D&C for her missed miscarriage. The one who is so sick is trying hard to be gracious about how she is feeling, but some of the things she says have been really tough for me to hear because of my past. THEN, I learned of our other friend's loss and it churned up the difficulty I was having even more because of the juxtaposition of the sick friend's experience. These two friends don't know each other and have no idea about one another going through these opposite experiences.

In both hard situations, it's not about me at all and I am absolutely doing my best to be the friend they each need. But both situations have brought my own grief back to the forefront during a time when I've otherwise been feeling a little lighter. I think that's just it with grief. It's a cycle and it evolves with time and life circumstances but it something that we may always have to deal with.

Give yourself the time, space, and permission to process what you are feeling now. You can be both happy about your rainbow and sad about your losses and IF at the same time.

BootsOrHearts · June 2014

I feel that sometimes too. I am basically jealous of those who had uncomplicated pregnancies and those who are able to have natural births because I will never have anything other than a C-section. I'm not really jealous of those who have never experienced loss, I think our losses made DH and I better people and better parents than we would have been had we not experienced them. Of course I would rather have not experienced any loss but there's that tiny silver lining.

It rubs me the wrong way too when people say things like 'God has blessed us' or 'God has been good to us' because it makes me think they're saying 'God chose to bless us but not you'. I'm sure that's not how people intend it but it still makes me stabby.

angelsnight · June 2014

BootsOrHearts said:

I feel that sometimes too. I am basically jealous of those who had uncomplicated pregnancies and those who are able to have natural births because I will never have anything other than a C-section. I'm not really jealous of those who have never experienced loss, I think our losses made DH and I better people and better parents than we would have been had we not experienced them. Of course I would rather have not experienced any loss but there's that tiny silver lining.
It rubs me the wrong way too when people say things like 'God has blessed us' or 'God has been good to us' because it makes me think they're saying 'God chose to bless us but not you'. I'm sure that's not how people intend it but it still makes me stabby.

This is exactly how I take this statement as well. I know they don't mean it that way too, but it definitely comes off that way. I told my dad about it this morning and he said she's just happy with her life right now. I know that, and I don't mean to act like I am not happy for them, but he and so many just don't get it sometimes. I feel like since we had Emily everyone thinks we are perfectly fine now, which is so not the case. I love my daughter, but I still love and miss my other daughter as well.

Wifey xo · June 2014

Hugs to you. I struggled with infertility then had success with IVF, only to lose my twin boys at 18 weeks from a blood clot and incompetent cervix. The first night home from the hospital, I told DH God is not punishing us, and our goal for children has not changed. That is why I went back to my frozen embryos and was pregnant 4 months later. The pain would be the same if I waited longer.

I still struggle with careless comments and advice by people who don't know what they are talking about. I also struggle with sharing my son. I feel fiercely protective, yet so grateful everyday and so very present. I don't take him for granted. Not intended to offend, but I pinned this on one of my more stabby days.

KikiCohen · July 2014

Pregnancies/newborns are sometimes still hard for me too. Honestly, it's hit or miss. One of my best friends got pregnant right after P was born and I have been fine the whole time. A family member just announced their pregnancy last weekend and I'm feeling kind of "meh" about it. I know they were trying for a year, so it wasn't easy. I think the biggest thing that has me in a funk about it is, I know it's only a matter of time before that family member's sister gets pregnant and she said some pretty offensive things around me after my loss. I wouldn't handle her pregnancy well at all, should she get pregnant.

(hugs) momma. One day a time.

ksyknelvr73 · July 2014

Just offering ((hugs)), I have two rainbows and while I am absolutely grateful that I have been able to have two healthy children, there are still moments that sting and sometimes a jealousy or bitterness towards those who don't have to struggle. I realize how unfair it is for me to think like that, no one deserves to go through losses/infertility. It just takes time to heal from things we have experienced, but I think there will always be those moments of weakness for us as well, even when we are far removed.

angelsnight · July 2014

Thank you all, I hate that we are all here (well glad we have sunshine and rainbows) but it helps to know I am not alone in my feelings. It's hard to not only feel that, and then feel like a bad person on top of it. But it sounds like it's a very normal reaction once you've experienced loss. ((hugs)) to you all!

others' pregnancies/babies still difficult

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