Mother in law problems

hfowlks · June 2014

Has anyone had a mother in law that just won't back off? This is my first baby and my mother in law has me stressed to the max! She told people about the pregnancy before my husband and I wanted people to know, and she was upset about the hospital I chose to deliver our son at. We also ended up changing his name because she flipped out about what we originally wanted to name him. Now that I'm five weeks from having my son I'm terrified that she'll pull something else. How can I deal with a mother in law that just won't stop? Has anyone else had this problem?

yrnamehere · June 2014

Stop telling her important details. Let your husband deal with her, it's his mother. Good luck.

hfowlks · June 2014

Thank you! The thing is, when she first found out about this info we thought she'd be fine because she was the complete opposite with our wedding. She's actually my husbands step mom and whenever he's tried to tell her to ease up, she completely flips. I just don't know how to ignore her behavior at times because one minute she's fine and the next she's the complete opposite. I definitely know from now on not to tell her the important things!

notacleverusername · June 2014

Yes I agree with @yrnamehere. I had to severely cut ties with mine to the point where she does not actually know our due date. Sorry MIL, but you're a stalker. Now, this took a bit to convince Hubs of but I asked him to please keep our details private because she does cause me stress.... Um, okay so one time he came home and I was chugging a bottle of wine and hysterical and screaming and crying because of her antics but you get the point. You need to say that to your husband. It's awkward, it's his Mom and I of course try to remain respectful BUT you need to say, this is not a time for me to be stressed, she's oversharing, overbearing, etc. If she calls, don't answer. Really, just don't answer. You are not bound by her demands. Hide your facebook posts so she can't see them. Act polite and cordial but seriously cut down on any amount of time you need to see her or speak to her these last weeks. If she's truly a crazy she will probably rage out at your giving her boundaries so be prepared for her to confront you and you need to reply, I'm just focused on the baby's arrival and taking care of myself, I'm busy etc. This sounds cruel but is it worth your stress? They eventually get the point. A few of the girls on here probably remember my first post was about the crazy MIL in my life, moving back home to deal with her after a decade away and having such an awful year of her crazy shit. I feel possessed to comment on every MIL post because truly I empathize. But I can honestly report after pretty much cutting her out and letting only my Hubs deal with her I have really recovered. Good luck!! But seriously, cut her out. The fact that you changed your baby name because of her enrages me for you. I'm sick and tired of pushy, overbearing people. I'm convinced they all have traits of personality disorders.

notacleverusername · June 2014

Also, I would highly consider talking to your husband about maybe informing her AFTER you've had the baby unless she's somehow already convinced you both she needs to be there while you're laboring. In that case, may the force be with you. You do not need extra stress and maniacs hovering around while you're in pain and trying to be zen. My husband and I have a rule, no one is to be informed until AFTER the baby is born. We made the tragic mistake of calling people back home when I had to be emergency induced last time. You would not believe the drama the crazy MIL caused an ocean away for weeks on end. I wish so so wish I would have just called everyone after the baby was already was born. It did no one any good to be informed I was in labor and she really pissed me off and made me cry when I was already dealing with enough. Anyone who makes you feel defensive like that needs to be cut out. We don't owe anyone an explanation about our mothering choices. Good luck!!!!!

kaitm22 · June 2014

I sympathize with you and agree with PP's. I actually cant complain about my MIL too much right now, but I think that is only because we have done what we can to try to cut her out of our lives, which sounds terrible when I say it, but I cant deal with her. Luckily hubby agrees with doing this.

I have basically given mine no info, and I really even feel awkward talking about my pregnancy with her, because she never has anything positive to say. It's all "you will never be able to read a book again, you will never be able to watch tv again." No thanks to having that convo one more time.

I would really try to get hubby on board with all your plans of how you are going to handle her, and do your best to plan ahead for certain situations. My IL's will not be told I am in labor or that the baby is here until well after we have had our time with baby.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who spends too much time dreaming up worst case scenarios about my IL's but I cant help it. Good luck and I hope she backs off and that you can have a more normal relationship than I have with mine!

hfowlks · June 2014

Thank you all!! I'm glad I'm not the only one that has had problems like this! Luckily, both my husband and I agree that we will call people after the baby is born so she can't just show up! I just hope she cools it a little after the baby is born! Either she will or she'll understand how much I've really been biting my tongue! Lol!

mikrinikki · June 2014

No kidding. My MIL has been quite the opposite in that she doesn't care to know anything or ask anything. I understand pushy though...that's my mom (love her but thank god she lives out of state). Make H set those boundaries now before baby comes.... and I agree with all the posts above. Greatest advice- just don't tell her everything, she will hopefully get the hint.

MandMLeona · June 2014

I agree with making a plan now, and reviewing it often with DH about when she will know about you being labor etc. I would add discussing the kind of details you want her to know about afterward. My MIL tells my birth story more than I do and she flipped out and was calling everyone when we casually mentioned DD1 may be constipated (she blew it up to a blocked intestine, etc). Make sure he remembers why you are making the plan. My DH tends to accept his family as normal and forget quickly what is upsetting. It seems wrong to rub it in his face, but it was necessary so he got how important it was.

hfowlks · June 2014

Oh, trust me, the name issue still has me mad. I love the name we have picked out now, but we were originally going to name the baby after my husband's uncle.. and she thought it was unfair to my husband's father because our son's middle name will be after my husband's middle name and his dad's name. I trusted her so much with information at first because she was the complete opposite with our wedding! She minded her own business and told us that if she ever oversteps her boundaries to let her know. She said the same thing when I got pregnant but as soon as I asked her to please back off she lost it. If I weren't so in love with the baby's name we have picked out now I would change it back because the more I thought about it, the more I realized how unfair it is to remain quiet just so she won't throw a fit! I understand it's her first grandchild, but this is my first baby and she shouldn't be telling me what to do... At this point, I have started to ignore her facebook messages and phone calls. And no matter what, she has to call and wait for a response BEFORE coming over once the baby is born. That is something my husband and I definitely agree on.

shaylagirl · June 2014

...and it's posts like this that make me realize that I'm relieved I don't have to deal with a MIL.

My heart goes out to you ladies.

mcculloughe · June 2014

I am in the same boat on the baby name thing, except we didn't change ours. Instead, my IL's started calling my baby by this really random "joke" nickname. When discussing her with people they refered to her by the nickname and everything. At first I tried to ignore it because I thought they were just trying to get a rise out of me, but when it didn't stop I very pointedly started correcting them every time they used the nickname. I finally agreed to a more normal nickname and they now call her by that name. They even asked me how I wanted to spell it and I told them I didn't care, because I will be calling her by her full name.
My advice is to set some boundaries with your H and ask him to discuss those with your MIL. That way you don't have to be a part of it. My H has a hard time doing that, because he is the funny, carefree one in his family and hates conflict so he doesn't exactly know how to be firm with them.
And if it really comes down to it, just tell her very matter of factly "this is how I am doing it" and try not to let your emotions take over. I am getting to the point where if my MIL gives me any more unsolicited advice or butts in I am just not going to be bothered by it and won't be engaging in a conversation with her about it. Kind of a robotic response, but at the end of the day I am going to do things how I want to do them and although her being overbearing might bother me, I would rather just kind of shut it down than spend time being upset about it.

Weezy56 · June 2014

If the name issue still has you mad, then change it back. You should have never changed the name just because she threw a fit. All that did was teach her to throw temper tantrums to get what she wants.

Make sure you and your husband have a united front on this. He should be the one to tell her back off.

cashews29 · June 2014

hfowlks said:

Has anyone had a mother in law that just won't back off? This is my first baby and my mother in law has me stressed to the max! She told people about the pregnancy before my husband and I wanted people to know, and she was upset about the hospital I chose to deliver our son at. We also ended up changing his name because she flipped out about what we originally wanted to name him. Now that I'm five weeks from having my son I'm terrified that she'll pull something else. How can I deal with a mother in law that just won't stop? Has anyone else had this problem?

Well, this is your and your H's first mistake. Why would you give into her tantrum? Who gives a shit if she didn't like the name you chose? You have already let her overstep her bounds. Now you have to try to pull her back across the boundary.

You and your H need to be on the same page when discussing things with her. You both need to be clear that you guys are the ones making decisions about your child, not her. And don't give in to her. Otherwise she will continue to push.

hfowlks · June 2014

To be honest, I'm not sure why we gave in to her tantrum other than the fact that we were trying to understand where she was coming from because she felt that it was an insult to name the baby after his uncle. I just wish she wouldn't have thrown such a fit about it. And, everyone is right, about letting her get away with that really opens the door to letting her get away with more. Ever since the name problem, I have refused to tell her a lot of information, because I know it will only cause more headache in the end. I think that what I am more afraid of is what she'll do after the baby is born. Here lately, she's tried telling me what to do in regard to feeding him and clothing him, but I've actually stood my ground and told her that thanks for the advice but I don't need her advice. I just wish I would have learned about standing my ground before all this happened because I have to try really hard to get my point across to her.

My husband feels the same way I do, but he absolutely hates confrontation with her because it has never helped him in the past. Unfortunately, it seems as if his whole family thinks that it's better to ignore her or she'll cause more problems. It's kind of mind blowing to me, and I don't see that working so well. I'm usually a doormat with her, but I know that has to stop or it will get much worse!

Have any of you had problems once the baby is born (such as the mother in law is constantly over?) So far, I have been told that the best I can do is refuse to answer the door if she comes over unannounced, lol and tell her straight up that we're raising the baby the way we want to and that she can either respect that or pretty much get lost.

jlynn62511 · June 2014

Sounds just like mine! Told people before we wanted to, tried to tell me I was going to be spelling my daughter's name wrong. Tells me how I should breastfeed even though she has no idea because formula fed. Lots of unsolicited advice with nothing to back it up. She think she is coming in the room as soon as I push the kid out and she is going to be very disappointed.
I've learned to ignore it all, do what I want, and share as little as I can!

ebp913 · June 2014

weeklyplanner said:

hfowlks said:

Thank you all!! I'm glad I'm not the only one that has had problems like this! Luckily, both my husband and I agree that we will call people after the baby is born so she can't just show up! I just hope she cools it a little after the baby is born! Either she will or she'll understand how much I've really been biting my tongue! Lol!

I really don't mean this to sound rude. But, you and your DH have created a monster. I mean, you actually changed the name of your unborn child because this crazy lady didn't like it? She acts this way because she gets what she wants in the end. If I were you, I'd probably go back to my original name choice, not call until baby is born (thumbs up for that!) and have a plan for how long MIL can stay and visit at the hospital/home. Talk with DH about this regularly ad make sure he is on board.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours, so I'll share our plan.
DH and I have talked a lot (seriously, like weekly about this, since knowing I was pregnant) about how to handle all of this in the first 3 months (when nursing is getting established, we are lacking sleep). He is on board that we don't need "buttinskis" or "know-it-alls" around all the time. Our plan is to not call anyone until a few hours after the baby is born. Which breaks my heart because I would love for my parents to be there right away, but I'm trying to be fair about this and not hurt my ILs. Also, he will be asking people to leave after an hour or so visit at the hospital. Once home, he will be saying things like "wife is working on establishing nursing, so maybe come around noon, but only for an hour." Also, once he goes back to work (3 days after I'm home from the hospital), he will tell them that we will come by to their house and visit on X day. We figure, it will get us out of the house and we can leave after a short visit or stay if we are enjoying our selves. If MIL just "shows up' he knows I'm going to lose it, so he is going to try and stay on top of it.
Make a plan now that works for you and your baby and get DH on board. Don't just hope for the best because your MIL has proven she's not capable of that.

This. If you let this go on, it will keep going on and ON AND ON.

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