They don't understand

lauralynn710 · June 2014

Hi everyone, I haven't posted anything on this board yet, but I feel like I need to vent and I think you all will understand how I feel. My LO we born at 33 weeks on May 28th because I ended up getting severe preclampsia and had to have an emergency c section. She is 24 days old now and she is still in the NICU and sometimes I feel like the world is closing in on me.

I don't think I have postpartum depression, it isn't that. It's just so hard for me to be separated from her and not get to hold her and kiss her when I want and I swear it's getting worse as the days go by.

What makes it worse I believe is my DHs family. I love him to the moon and back but his family is crazy. No really. His mom does drugs and his aunt tries to out do her sister and tells everyone that she is my child's grandma.

I am started to have a hard time faking it around them. They are constantly wanting to go over there and see her and sending me stupid messages via text or Facebook. Constantly wanting know how she is and when she is coming home. I even posted something on Facebook that I found about premie parents wishes while in the nicu and I swear if his aunt, who doesn't even have kids reposted it.

They don't understand that I need this time to be peaceful and to be with my baby as much as I can. I am scared we won't get to bond because she is in the nicu. I am hurting because most of the time the nurses says we can't hold her because she needs to rest. I just want it to be me and DH in there but they have to come all the time and interrupt my time, my bonding. Even if it is just sitting by her isolette and watching her sleep or holding her hand.

Sorry this is such a long post.

KTZ17 · June 2014

I completely understand how you feel. My MIL would show up at the NICU just when DH would get there after work when it was our time to be with DD together, and only 2 people were allowed at her bedside at once so one if us (me) would have to wait outside. People don't get it. If I had to do it all over again I'd tell her not to come during certain times. I also worried about bonding with DD and I had this irrational fear that she would have an attachment disorder like some babies in orphanages. But I can tell you from experience that your daughter WILL bond with you despite her NICU stay and you not being able to hold her enough in the NICU. Once she comes home you can snuggle her all you want. I'm sorry family is adding to the stress of the NICU and I hope your dd is home with you soon. Hugs!

flerlgirl · June 2014

Just wanted to offer hugs

Tylynngrace · June 2014

I felt the same way. My MIL always wanted to go with me or she would say she would drive me and I almost always declined. She had a preemie but still didn't understand. As for bonding I was afraid that he would love the nurses more than me but he didn't. And now that we're home I'm still afraid that he'll love someone else more than me but I know it isn't true. Once you bring her home everything will change and you'll feel more at ease. When you walk into her room every morning and she smiles at you you'll feel everything you've been wanting to feel since you found out you were pregnant. Hugs! It will get better!

Labyrinth3000 · June 2014

So sorry that you are having a rough time. The NICU brings out so many emotions and worries. My twin girls were born at 32 weeks and I was also worried about bonding since I was always trying to split my time between the two babies and my family wanting to hold them. I've had them home for two months now and my girls will push their grandmother away then try and reach for me instead. Just hang in there and don't let others dominate your baby time. You have every right to make up your own visiting hours.

babybean82 · June 2014

I totally get how you feel, MH family are constantly making comments on how he will be home before I know it and all that does is piss me off because they have no clue what is really going on.

Also I agree with pp about making your own rules about visitors, You can also ask hospital staff to restrict visitors as well.

I felt the same way about bonding because I didn't get to go to the NICU for over 24 hours after ds was born and by then MIL, SIL and BIL had already gotten to go up and meet him and all I had was a few pictures on my phone. But now even though he is still in the NICU we have bonded, when the nurses pick on him and he is mad no one but me can calm him down. So don't worry it will happen for you too.

KatFCo · June 2014

I'm sorry. If they're making it stressful for you, talk to the NICU nurses and make sure they're just not allowed in unless you give permission. Or, as PP mentioned, just say no one but the parents are allowed by their side. Period. And make sure your H knows, since it's his family, he's responsible for updating them on her condition.

As for the bonding, you absolutely will get to bond. Remember, you're at the very beginning of her very long life. As much as this is day to day, you will get past it. You have her whole life to bond, so don't let it stress you if her time in the NICU is less than perfect.

Ylvelill · June 2014

My husband keeps reminding me that I carried them for 7 months, they know my voice better than anyone else's and my smell/heartbeat.

It is rough to be away and I am scared too of not bonding but it helps me to remember the time we have had together that no one else can match.

As far as family goes, take them off the list as others have mentioned. They don't need to be there.

diagonalley · June 2014

I definitely had several texts and messages that I never responded to because it was so overwhelming having my baby in the NICU. Also I am surprised the nurses are telling you not to hold her if there isn't a medical reason not to (such as being under bili lights) As soon as DS didn't have to be under the lights I held him as often as I could. I don't know that I'd be waiting for their permission. Good luck!

Odebdo · June 2014

My twins were born at 33 weeks too and it is hard. I could handle most everyone...except my in laws, and thankfully they drove me past the brink the day after the babies were born. So DH and I cut off all visits besides myself and him for a week. Best decision ever. My MIL just finally got to hold the babies this past Sunday and they are a month old today. Remember you set the rules...you are the parents... The NICU staff were always supportive and said we could blame them! Also we could not hold our son for 5 days dye to his poor lung function, but once that was over, we could hold either as often as we wanted....talk to them about that.

Friskypuppys · June 2014

Big hugs...

Here's how we handled this:
We told everyone that they can't meet ours until he gets home. That we aren't going to risk his life for them to visit him. We were very very hardcore about it. (it helped set the boundaries that we are the parents and to knock the crap off) So then when we got to where we weren't so scared to death, then we let a few select (and I mean select) people come see him.

You will be able to bond with him...you already are and you just don't see it yet because you are in that dark place. He knows your voice, he knows your scent. My nurses would tell me that mine was sleeping very peacefully until I got in the washing room, then he'd start d sating and creating all kinds of havoc. Mine was born at 26 weeks, and it was a month before he was ready for me to hold him.

When you do get to hold her and you keep getting interrupted for things that aren't quieting alarms, you can say, hey I'm meditating, can you come back in an hour or leave me a number to call you at..I'd even recommend letting the nurse know that you want to spend quiet uninterrupted time with her.

Salsera29 · June 2014

What helped me deal with my ILs was to tell them exactly when they could come. For example, if I had to pump at 3 pm I would tell them they could come from 3-4. It helped my sanity to know there was an end time to their visit! I'd you do this make sure YH is on board to back you up if they don't leave when they're supposed to.

aehl14 · July 2014

I requested absolutely no visitors other than my fiance and I and that request was taken to heart. Our nurses even checked with me when I brought my dad in. You have every right to your privacy and bonding time just make sure you voice that need (in any tone or volume needed to make your point)!

I don't see why they aren't letting you do kangaroo care with your baby. Even with my daughter on a high flow machine, IV, and bili lights it was still recommended I do kangaroo care for 30 mins once a day until she started losing machines and then the time increased.

Just please make sure you take care of yourself! You, your baby, and your husband are all that really matter right now. Everyone else can either understand that and step back or go complain about it to someone that isn't you. I wouldn't waste energy that should be spent on you and your baby.

I upset a lot of people when my daughter was in the NICU by not doing things on their schedule. The day she came home all of the drama was forgotten. His family will understand eventually and if they don't well then they were bound to find something to complain about no matter what.

All the best to you and your family!

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