sleepovers

huzzahuzza · June 2014

https://www.challies.com/articles/why-my-family-doesnt-do-sleepovers?utm_content=buffer9e685&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
This was posted on FB by a pregnant friend and them had 12 comments supporting this... I had no idea this was even a thing (not a thing, a movement maybe?).
So what say you? Will you allow your kids to have sleepovers?

Oohgurl · June 2014

I think if I know the family pretty well, sure. I think I am a pretty good judge of character so I would likely do a little research on the family before I let him go. I am a big proponent on child playtime with other kids that is not scheduled and not just during sporting events.

Let kids play.

blush64 · June 2014

Edit Sorry, I wrote way too much.

It depends. Many times the people you have to look out for are the ones you would not suspect. Knowing the family well us inportant but would not eliminate the risk of something happening.

With my sons I did not let them sleep over until they were fairly old. I think my oldest might have had a sleepover a few times but my younger son never bothered.. They were the kind of kids that didn't really want to and I didn't push them to. They have had sleepovers with my sisters' kids.

I can't say for sure what will happen with A. I will probably not be allowing her to have a sleepover for a long time. I do believe kids need play time and I think they can get that at the park, riding their bikes to the store or around the neighbourhood or in some way other than sleeping at a friend's house. That being said, I am not banning it outright.

I do think I am a good judge of character but I don't think we can always tell who the threat is. Child predators can be very well versed in how to fool people. And if someone hasn't been caught there won't be anything to research on the family.

I have known people that seem like good, respectable parents who turn out otherwise. It is a tough call.

Edit The people we have to look out for are many times the ones we tend to trust. I don't want A to fear the world buy I do want her to be careful and aware. I lean more to very limited sleepovers.

pnutg · June 2014

I'm not a fan of sleepovers, other than family. But just going to a friend's house for the afternoon can be dangerous. Two little boys, friends of our family, were molested by two other boys (their neighbor friends). They're in their 20s and still dealing with the effects of the abuse.

We will be extremely cautious when it comes to playing at friends houses. Probably not until he's much older.

JoJo716 · June 2014

Ditto to what pp's said. We will be very cautious with all play dates and sleepovers. We will also wait for a long time until sleepovers with non family or very close friends are an option. Honestly, while I am concerned about pedophiles, I am also concerned about ds going to someone's home where they have an unsecured gun or other weapon. I would want to know that the parents keep their weapons safely locked and the kids do not have access. It is hard to find a balance between letting them have the freedom to play and protecting them from the dangers that exist in the world. I guess we will take each situation as it comes.

JoJo716 · June 2014

Also, while I think it is important to protect your kids, I also think preparation to handle certain situations is very important as well. One of my friends posted this article about teaching kids how to say "no" and I thought it had a lot of great advice.

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5525541

huzzahuzza · June 2014

@beaubecca‌ I wasn't necessarily quoting him as a reliable source by any means but just a way to put the thought out there. There are now 16 comments without any of them saying that it's okay to have sleepovers!!! I hadn't even thought about it being a bad thing!!!

delino · June 2014

I hadn't thought of it being a bad thing. I hadn't thought of it at all yet. While I don't plan to let her sleepover just anyone's house, I certainly don't plan on depriving her of sleepovers.

CNJ4EVA · June 2014

I loved having sleepovers when I was growing up. I will definitely allow my children to have them. Obviously, they will not be able to stay with friends whose parents I haven't met or I feel in any way uncomfortable with (not that my comfortability is in any way a guarantee-I realize that), but otherwise I don't have a problem with it.

sundaesprinkles · June 2014

I haven't realized this was a thing either. I had sleepovers all the time as a kid and I had so much fun. I don't know if boys tend to have sleepovers really as much as girls do. (That's just my general impression; I might be wrong on that.) But I really don't think I will deny all sleepovers. Y'all have brought up a good point though regarding unsecured weapons. That's a terrifying thought!

JoJo716 · June 2014

I think my feelings might change as he gets older. Right now, I am imagining my little baby going over to someone's house and the thought terrifies me. But I am sure once he is older, I will feel more comfortable. I also think as long as I do due diligence on the parents and make sure everyone is legit, it should be ok. I have had a few moments where I have said I would never do something and then I have reevaluated as ds has gotten older. I used to say he would never eat directly from a pouch. Lunch today consisted of me ripping one of those suckers open and handing it to him

MamaMD · June 2014

I also had no idea this was an issue now. I had tons of sleepovers as a kid and the worst thing that ever happened was that I saw movies my parents wouldn't have let me see (like Poltergiest at an inappropriately young age). No idea what we will do with LO. I loved having sleepovers and hopefully she won't have to be deprived of that fun.

blush64 · June 2014

I never really thought about people having weapons in their homes because it is really not common where I live. I don't know of anyone who even owns a gun. I am not comfortable with my child in a home with a gun.

I know nothing about the person who wrote the blog so I can't comment on that.

I was allowed sleepovers as a child but things have changed for me. I have seen too much in the last several years. If I err on the side of slightly overly cautious so be it.

surpriseaddition · June 2014

Sleepovers are awesome! They were for us as kids, and they still are for kids today. Both my 13 yo DS and my DD who will be 16 in a little over a week have them quite a bit. I think parents today can get really too sheltering due to the the rare instances that can happen, but the vast majority of sleepovers are not problems. Children die in car accidents every day. Does that mean we should never put our kids in a car? My kids first started having sleepovers around 7-8 years old. Remember, they are going to want to stay their first night at their BFFs house. This is someone your child selected as a close friend. At first, they were very rare, and always at the same friends. However, today, just like when you were little, a lot of kids have sleepover birthday parties and I wasn't going to deny my kids those fun times and memories. Open lines of communication are the key. Talk to your kids about body parts, and how no one other than mommy or daddy can see anything covered by your bathing suit. As PP stated, sometimes kids can molest each other right in your backyard. The conversation is most important so they know to say no, and tell you if/when it would happen regardless of whether the perpetrated threatened them.

huzzahuzza · June 2014

Someone on here posted a very interesting article about keeping your kids safe from molestation and I think about that article often but now I can't find it... one of the things that really stuck out to me though was not forcing your kids to touch people if they don't feel comfortable (ex: give aunty a kiss). Does anyone remember that article and possibly have a link?

pnutg · June 2014

@huzzahuzza‌, yes that article was good. When it comes to kissing and hugging fam/friends let your kids' no be no. So, when they are put in an uncomfortable situation they will be confident in their no, instead of being afraid of getting in trouble or disappointing someone.

JoJo716 · June 2014

I remember the article and I pinned it so I could keep it on hand. Here is the link:

https://babyandblog.com/2013/10/6-ways-to-protect-your-child-from-sexual-abuse/

huzzahuzza · June 2014

Yes @JoJo716‌ !!!! You win!!!

blush64 · June 2014

I don't think A will be missing out if I limit her sleepovers until she is older and limit them to specific people. (And few people) Yes, she might have to leave slumber parties early.

I have already been through all this twice and they weren't messed up by it. We didn't talk about parts covered by a bathing suit because we were always more open than that. From the time they could talk they were taught the proper terms. They knew that there are no secrets from mom, ever. They are still incredibly open. Actually, sometimes almost too open.

I think there is a big difference between never driving and not allowing my child to sleep at someone's home. I don't think it is overly sheltering to limit sleepovers but I understand that many might. My kids grew up to be quite independant but also close to me and family.

I do agree that they need to have the tools to know what is ok and they need to know they can be open with us. It isn't just about the chance of molestation but other risks as well. Too much has happened to friends and family while in supposedly safe places with people who were trusted and known.

Wow, I am sorry for going on. This always hits close to home but especially lately.

bumpuser8130818 · June 2014

As a teacher, in the past several years I observed that many of my students were not allowed to go to or have sleepovers. In many of the cases they would be allowed one they were in middle school. It made me think about it a lot and I feel like I might also hold off until an older age. I would make exceptions for the many many cousins he already has or my good friends' children/ houses. Maybe I'll change my mind as he gets older, but right now I'm on the no sleepovers besides family and close friends' side.

surpriseaddition · June 2014

@blush64 - just wanted to clarify some things since it appears you're referencing some of my comments. I also use the proper terms with my kids from a young age, but the reference to a bathing suit is actually something my ped used when talking with my kids. I think it's a good reference because pedophiles will begin by casually touching other areas first. Most of these sickos don't molest the child the very first time....especially if it is someone they have a relationship with (which would be the case if your child would be sleeping over there). There's usually a whole grooming process, where they begin by touching the child and then slowly move closer to the intended areas. This is where the bathing suit reference comes in handy. You know about it when the guy has put his hand on your kids butt or hip, versus her vagina for example. Also, I think it is better to slowly expose children to steps of independence, so they can gain confidence and learn from the experiences. My DD will be going off to college in 2 years, where every night will be a sleepover without me there. I think it makes sense for her to have some experiences to help with that transition....versus leaving home for the first time with a whole bunch of temptations/threats to deal with.

blush64 · June 2014

@surpriseaddition‌ I do understand about grooming, what it is and how they use it. I want A to feel comfortable saying no to any touch that makes her uncomfortable. I was told not to word it that way because an uncomfortable touch can be anywhere and if they are comfortable saying no or telling about a shoulder touch it might deter someone from trying to go further. If not, the communication would already be open. They were still told about the areas like bum, penis etc and that they should always tell me about any uncomfortable touch. I think it is just a different way of going about the same thing since you also use the correct terms. I am sorry for my wording. I do not think that is a bad approach. It is just a bit different from what we were doing.

My oldest has already graduated from highschool and will be going on as well. He did get to have expiences away. They just weren't when he was really young. As well, the sleepovers were limited until he was older. I don't think we really disagree, he got more freedom as he got older so he always had what I thought he could handle.

He has been near kids making bad decisions and he has learned to deal with making his own decisions. The drinking age where I am is 19 so some of his friends are drinking legally and some drink anyway. Some smoke marijuana. I know because we still have real discussions. I know more than I even want to sometimes but it is good because he is still comfortable talking. I certainly think kids can be comfortable like this being raised any number of ways.

Mainly I was just saying that being what some people might find overly cautious when my kids were young doesn't mean they won't be prepared later. I just used too many words amd probably repeated a bunch because it stirs up aot today.

surpriseaddition · June 2014

@blush64 no offense taken....just wanted to clarify my comments. I know we are usually on the same page, given our similar family dynamics. I agree 100% about communication. My DD works at a donut shop, and she tells me about some of the kids working there doing drugs, etc. I really wish we lived in a safer world.....there are so many pitfalls for kids at all ages. Coaching them along the way is all we can really do and hope we've given them the tools to make the right decisions.

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