So I realize that I am far from the first woman going through this and that in the grand scheme of things, six months isn't that long. I just had a really shitty day and need a moment to vent it all out and I know that at least here people will actually understand. But I hate when people try to make you feel better by telling you it hasn't been that long, telling you to stop stressing and it will happen or that you just have to keep trying. I know exactly how long it has been. Every day is ticked off in my head even if I am not consciously thinking about it. Stop stressing is another thing that just irritates the shit out of me. How do you know that I am stressing? The fact that I get disappointed by a negative test every month doesn't mean I am stressing. And even if I am stressing, I think that is my right if I want to do it, not that you would know because I don't sit there and tell anyone about it. And just keep trying, really? Is that how it happens? You mean that if I stop having sex I won't get pregnant magically? Thanks for the revelation.
I know that these people are mostly trying to help and be supportive but saying those things doesn't actually help. And for someone like me that already has control issues to not be able to control this, drives me even more insane because I never thought this was something I would want. Then it gets made even better by someone who makes my life miserable getting pregnant while I am trying. I know jealousy is a terrible and ugly thing but I just can't help it. Someone that mean and horrible gets to have what I want and it sucks.
This month was probably the hardest after the first month. Mainly because I was late this month, a RARE occurrence. I was also nauseous and vomiting which is uncommon for me as well. But my test was negative and two days after the test, AF finally decided to show. To make things better, my SO has been gone the last two nights with a bunch of his guy friends and I am left home alone to stew about all of this. I know it is upsetting to him that it hasn't happened yet but I also know that it isn't the same for him. He isn't as devastated each month. I know he will never fully understand the way I feel.
I know that there are many others out there that have been trying much longer than me and those who have gone through much more in the way of trials in this process. I commend every one of them because this is the hardest thing I have had to endure yet and I can't imagine the strength and patience of those out there who spend years trying and crying and everything that they go through. I glimpsed it through my cousin that tried for five years for her first. I try to tell her how much I admire her strength and determination and I hope that I can have an ounce of the greatness she had in that situation. I just needed a moment. Thanks ladies.