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Any positive words or advice? (NBR)

BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
edited June 2014 in September 2013 Moms
This may be a little long so I apologize in advance..

So some of you may have read that I recently was jumping through hoops to get into a paid college program and it turns out I didn't qualify on time. I also have no job to return to now that my maternity leave is over.

My boyfriend has been putting on a strong face and telling me that he's got it and everything will be fine, that we're caught up on everything and doing okay. Fast forward to tonight, our fridge breaks down and he starts really stressing and stress comes flooding out like you wouldn't believe. I guess he's been trying to trick himself into believing we were financially doing okay because he feels he needs to be the man of the house and support us. Now I still feel we can be okay as long as we sit down and go over some things.

However, he is jumping to "we need to move in with my parents"...he won't let it go. He's ready to pack up and leave.

The thought of leaving my home, not my forever home but my temporary home that I've put tons of love and time and memories in just tears me apart. My dad is my landlord and we do have a really good deal here and I imagined we would be here until DD is 2 or 3. I can't even keep it together, I don't want to leave, or move in with his parents, as much as I love them I just love having my own space to grow as a parent with my daughter.

Is it selfish of me to not get up and go? He thinks I'm being selfish and not being a family when he needs me. Maybe I am? Would you have similar feelings or would you have no problems leaving your home behind? I guess I just need positive thoughts or maybe some insight?

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Re: Any positive words or advice? (NBR)

  • michelle7482michelle7482 member
    Sorry you are going through this! I agree with you and definitely would never move in with my in laws under any circumstances short of being homeless! Can you pick up a part time job to help with the bills ? Maybe retail, waitressing ect ? I am a sahm but I recently started in direct sales. It's not much, but it helps buy diapers and wipes. Good luck.

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  • Salemkitty13Salemkitty13 member
    That's a difficult situation. I'm sorry. It was probably very hard for your BF to admit that he didn't think he could keep up. He wants/needs your support and to know that you are with him no matter what. However, living with in laws can be awful. It's hard to give up a home and your freedom. Maybe after the initial emotion wears off you can talk to your BF about all the pros cons and options for your family. Good Luck and hugs!
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Thanks everyone for the different thoughts on the situation. As for getting a part time job, I've been applying and haven't had any luck over the last few months.

    @starscream‌ re making those memories and a new home is something he keeps telling me too and it's something I know I will come to terms with if I have to. I guess I just get attached and comfortable with my surroundings which makes it hard for me to leave.

    @jdoud77‌ the thing with social services is that he is resisting. He says he has too much pride for it. I'm trying to explain to him that's it's meant for these circumstances, just to help us get back on our feet. Maybe I can convince him that it's the best route for us. He's pretty head strong at convincing me that we need to move though so he can save some money for a few months.

    He wants to put enough money away so I can go to college next year, which is so selfless of him and I appreciate it but it's still a hard decision to make right now while caring for a busy baby.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    @Salemkitty13‌ you're right it was really hard for him to admit we're at this point, even though I think he's over exaggerating a bit. He does need my support and that makes me feel guilty for not being 100% on his side.
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  • AlejandraN2AlejandraN2 member
    This is a tough situation. Even if you have a great relationship with his parents, it still doesn't mean that it'll be easy living with them. He may just be looking for you to sound open to the possibility but he was probably also emotional and reacting to the stress of the moment. Like PPs said, choose a moment when you're both relaxed to talk about it more. Let him know you're open to it but explain why you think that you can make your current situation work. If your dad is your landlord, could he take a lower rent for a few months till you guys get back on your feet? 

    Also, like others said, any options on doing something part time? Or I know a lot of ladies now start becoming sales reps like for jewelry or skincare products. Another thing to think about is that some temp companies also offer part time positions for things like data entry that you can do at home. Not so exciting stuff but may help supplement your income. If you approach it to you guys being a team and trying to find solutions together he may be more open to your POV of why you want to stay.  
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  • Salemkitty13Salemkitty13 member
    I don't think you are being selfish and I don't think you have to support your BF 100%. He probably is overreacting that is what happens when you bottle stuff up. When it comes out it really comes out. It does sound like he may have already discussed this with his parents. I think @AlejandraN2‌ put it best. Maybe he just needs to know you are open to the idea. Try to talk to him about it and other options when you can both be relaxed. Positive thoughts and hugs to you, this is a tough one. 

    Also how would you inlaws react to your LOs needs and your responses to her? This would be a big concern for me.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    @lindszachary‌ thank you for sharing your similar situation with me, I'm so sorry you're dealing with something like this too. You're also right that it won't be forever.

    @Salemkitty13‌ his parents are actually pretty great for minding their own business, they're really kind people that like to help when they are needed but never question what I do. They've always supported my decisions. I have lived with them before when I was in high school actually.. I think I'm more worried about having to put the majority of our things in storage and having to stuff all our things and DD's things into one bedroom.

    We had a better talk about it this morning and he's more calm today than he was last night but is still pushing the fact that it's "the logical" thing to do. I'm starting to accept the fact that maybe it is the best thing for us right now, for a short period.

    Thank you ladies for the suggestions and thoughts, I really appreciate it. It's tough for me to talk to family and IRL friends about this right now. I'm not proud of how things are working out but at the same time it really wasn't my fault that our company closed when I was 3 months pregnant. Things have been rough ever since.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Legitsince86 said:

    Did you say your dad was the landlord? Would it be possible for him to reduce rent until you get more financially stable? I agree with PPs about getting financial assistance from your county or state. DH and I needed it when we first got pregnant (he was the only one working) and I was able to set it all up. It really helped lessen the burden.

    I wish he could lower the rent but he already gives us a pretty good deal here and he's not financially able to lower it any more than he has.

    I actually decided to call to see if I would qualify for social assistance and I guess he makes too much money (he makes just enough for us to barely get by but still able to feed/roof us so they're not much help) but they can't really do much for us in that case..

    I really got the short end of the stick when the company I worked for closed down. I don't have any more maternity leave left unfortunately.. I've been looking for part time work but jobs are so hard to find here where I live especially this time of the year.


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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    dhaueisen said:

    Financial strain can be so tough on a relationship, especially when you have an LO! I agree with pp's that you need to sit down with him and make some priorities and a realistic budget.
    There was a time when I was in school and lived on a very limited income. I had a simple flip phone that was affordable, no land line, I had a laptop and would use internet hotspots so I wasn't paying for internet, I didn't own a TV. For entertainment I could rent a $1 redbox movie and watch it on my laptop, and I could go hiking or go for walks, to the park, or hang out with friends. I almost never ate out and only bought a couple coffees a month, I usually saved those occasions for coffee dates with friends. I shopped carefully and made my own food. I bought my clothes second hand. I kept my bills very minimal this way and it reduced that constant financial stress on me.
    You have to decide with your BF what is more important. Having your own space but having to give up other luxuries, or living with family for a short time and being able to keep enjoying the small luxuries of life. The good news is that it sounds like a temporary situation. You can do anything for a short time!
    Work really hard to communicate well and stay on the same page so that this tough situation makes you stronger as a family instead of tearing you apart. Hang in there, you guys are going to get through this!

    Great budgeting ideas, thank you!

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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    I know this too shall pass but it's really moments like these where I just feel I'm failing as a parent. It's so sudden too because he's been "hiding" the fact that we're "failing" I honestly thought we were doing pretty good for ourselves.
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    edited June 2014
    lindszachary said:

    I know how it feels for this to "spring up". H l refuses to let money stress him out. It's annoying because I never know actually how well we are doing. I didn't know that losing my job would make it to where we really can't pay the bills. H thinks it's good to keep the financial situation from me so that I wont stress out much, but him keeping me in the dark about it actually stresses me out more.

    Could have written this word for word, and I try and tell him that we're a team so that if we are struggling I would be able to help and come up with money saving ideas rather than be stuck in the dark without a clue. Stressful...

    How do you fix a problem if you don't even know there is a problem..
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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    Loppy19 said:

    Living with his parents pre-baby and living with them post-baby can be completely different scenarios. I would really try to explore every possible avenue before you move in with them. We rented a house from my MIL and it nearly ruined our relationship, when beforehand I would have never guessed that things would go down that road. 

    Do you qualify for anything? Food stamps, WIC, daycare assistance? 

    I can get day care assistance if I find a job, which would help a ton. I just haven't had much luck finding a job or apprenticeship.

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  • BurrberrymumBurrberrymum member
    lindszachary said:

    Burrberrymum said:

    Loppy19 said:

    Living with his parents pre-baby and living with them post-baby can be completely different scenarios. I would really try to explore every possible avenue before you move in with them. We rented a house from my MIL and it nearly ruined our relationship, when beforehand I would have never guessed that things would go down that road. 

    Do you qualify for anything? Food stamps, WIC, daycare assistance? 

    I can get day care assistance if I find a job, which would help a ton. I just haven't had much luck finding a job or apprenticeship.

    In Texas we have daycare assistance as well, but it's a three month waiting list and you have to keep your job during that waiting list. How the eff do you keep a job for three months without having child care???
    Very similar here. It's not very convenient.

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