Need Advice - Telling BIL & SIL (long)

stellasoo · June 2014

BIL and SIL couldn't get pregnant. They started the adoption process about 2 years ago and haven't been chosen by a birth mother. DH and I have no idea how to tell them. I know this has been discussed at least a few times on the board, and those posts have been helpful, but I feel like our situation is a bit unique.

DH isn't close to his brother or SIL. DH and brother/SIL talk when they all get together at DH's parents house once a month but that's it.

SIL - and to some extent BIL - does not like me. To make a long story short, for many reasons, DH and I initially wanted to adopt and we started talking about it with our families about 3 years ago. Shortly after we started talking about it, SIL started being downright mean to me whenever we talked to each other. BIL would make rude comments, too, but not to the same extent as SIL. I brought it up to SIL and she said everything was fine. I didn't push the issue but we later learned that she was going through fertility testing so I'm assuming maybe that was it. DH and I had no idea they were TTC or going through fertility testing or we would have kept things more private. MIL "strongly encouraged" me to let the comments go to keep the peace. I'm not one to let someone treat me like that so I opt out of most of their family gatherings.

We have no idea how to tell them we're pregnant, other than to do it by email or phone. Our top choice right now is to have DH call or email BIL. That way, BIL can tell SIL and comfort her. A close second choice is for DH to send the email to both of them. Our third option is to tell MIL and see how she thinks we should tell BIL and SIL. My bet is she will want to tell them but that feels like a huge cop out to me.

Thoughts?

stellasoo · June 2014

No, they aren't the nicest people at all.

It would be so nice to let MIL tell them but I worry that might create even more hard feelings. Or maybe they would take it better coming from her since they talk to her about everything. I'm probably over thinking this but I hate this weird dynamic in the family.

Angeldcf · June 2014

I think telling MIL is a cop out. Email is fine so they can process their feelings, but the news needs to come from yall.

babeRN101 · June 2014

I would probably have hubby email his brother and he can break the news to his wife.
Otherwise if u really aren't that close enough to do that, telling MIL would work in my book too.

Mommy2CB · June 2014

Thats a tough situation. I'd probably tell MIL and get her imput since shes seems to talk to them more. Whenever you are around them (after they learn the news) I just wouldn't talk about it a ton, since it will probably hurt for them to see you guys going through a pregnancy when they desperately want a child as well. Typically its not that they arent happy for you, it's that they are sad for themselves. I understand theyve been mean in the past, but it doesn't mean you should stoop to their level. Thats my 2 cents! Congrats on your pregnancy and best of luck

Maybe once they are finally able to have their own child you guys will become closer (happened to me!)

maltwin1 · June 2014

I would have your DH call. It doesn't have to be long, but then at least you can say your family broke the news personally. I would leave the next move up to them as far as how they react or when they want to talk about it. Fingers crossed they will be able to put hard feelings aside and be happy for you two.

PollyPositive · June 2014

Angeldcf said:

I think telling MIL is a cop out. Email is fine so they can process their feelings, but the news needs to come from yall.

THIS. I feel like it'll make the situation worse and more awkward if you end up going with this idea. It needs to come from you two. I think e-mail would be the easiest, since you guys aren't close. Also, this will allow them time to process the news without an audience. Bottom line: don't let this stress you out. You can't control how they're going to react. Give them the news in whatever way you two see fit. The rest is on them.

thegoodpotato · June 2014

I think your DH should tell his brother, either over the phone or in person at one of their monthly gatherings. If they have been struggling with infertility and have given up trying, I think it would come off as extremely insensitive to tell them over email or through MIL.

I think email makes more room for hurt feelings no matter how well it's written.

Nlavender13 · June 2014

maltwin1 said:

I would have your DH call. It doesn't have to be long, but then at least you can say your family broke the news personally. I would leave the next move up to them as far as how they react or when they want to talk about it. Fingers crossed they will be able to put hard feelings aside and be happy for you two.

THIS....I think this is the best way. I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4years and in that time MANY family and friends have gotted pregnant. The worst feeling in the world is when no one would tell me afraid of hurting my feelings. Made me feel so bad for dampening their happiness in any way. Hearing it from my mom second hand was better, she would call and the first thing she would say was "hi sweetie....." I would know and it was hard. The BEST way i found out was from my family or friends them self. Either in person or over the phone. I would have been very upset however to have had to hear it from a text or email. Good luck, and if they do not take it so well, try to remember they are going through something that is so emotional and trying that they don't always act like them selfs. What ever their reaction is it will have nothing to do with how they personally feel about you just your situation.

Irishcurls · June 2014

I know this is difficult and easier said than done, but for the purpose of breaking the news, you need to set aside past hurts/them being not-nice-people entirely. This is a great "high road" opportunity. Some of the not-niceness might be entirely due to 3T issues, you might not have the whole story, or they might just be shitty people. Regardless, I would say announcing is separate from old hurts and should be approached as such.

DH calls his brother for a brief, polite conversation. "Hi Bro, we just wanted to tell you that Stella and I are expecting a baby in February. I know SIL might take this a little hard, but we didn't want you to hear it through the grapevine. Looking forward to seeing you next month at Mom's!"

amt0312 · June 2014

I think your DH should tell them, but do NOT let their reactions get the better of you. It is not your job to forgo your own family because they are having their own problems/issues.

wintersong139 · June 2014

babeRN101 said:

I would probably have hubby email his brother and he can break the news to his wife. Otherwise if u really aren't that close enough to do that, telling MIL would work in my book too.

This, except a call instead of an email.

stellasoo · June 2014

Thank you everyone. I'm relieved for the confirmation that having MIL tell them is probably a bad idea and could make things worse. That's not what I want at all.

So it comes down to phone vs. email. After reading what everyone wrote, we're feeling that DH should call BIL and basically say what @Irishcurls suggested. It's more personal than email but also gives them some space to deal with it.

I know I can't change their reaction and I know it will be hard for them to hear, which I completely understand. I don't want to stoop to their level so I'm trying to be as sensitive about it as possible. Whether I like it or not, having this baby means I'm going to have to interact with the IL's more and I do not want to be the one to create more awkwardness or be embarrassed of what I say/do.

tlc4mama · June 2014

I feel like email is sooooooo impersonal. Text may be a bit more intimate. I don't know. This is a tough one. I respect that you are so sensitive to their feelings considering that they have obviously never been sensitive to yours.

Mommalawyer · June 2014

Hmmmmm. Having dealt with infertility myself I think the best thing is to tell them straight out. No matter how it's done, it is going to sting for them, no matter how not so nice they have been to you in the past. Having learned through another family member that my convicted felon recovering drug addict/alcoholic sister get knocked up with her 4th after getting out of jail- the same month we miscarried- was just salt on the wound. It would have sucked regardless, but it would've been nice to hear it from her. Just my two cents. Good luck!

Irishcurls · June 2014

I've actually been thinking about you all day--it's a really crappy situation and I'm sorry you find yourself here....hoping the phone call goes well and you can just move on from this! Hugs!

BeckyP005 · June 2014

Just sending you good luck for the phone call. Hope this all turns out ok.

stellasoo · June 2014

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the positive thoughts! DH is going to call later this week. My parents have friends staying with them right now and we want to wait until they're gone to start telling our families.