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The man in his life

palmbreezepalmbreeze member
in Parenting
I have a two year old little boy whom I adore. We've had a rough year...really rough. His father and I got divorced, we moved twice, his dad only has supervised visitation, and is pending going to prison. That's the tip of the iceberg. I have been dating a friend for a year in a half now. Taking it really slow...I can't handle any more drama in our lives. I can't handle having someone in my son't life up and leave again. So, I'm cautious. We broke up once b/c he just wasn't involved in our lives, he didn't want more kids...heck I wasn't too sure he was ok with mine. Then it's like the bulb came on and he opened up. We've been together since, him getting closer to my son. It's like a different guy. I still feel like something is missing. What should a relationship look like between a guy you've been dating for over a year and your toddler son?

We just got back from vacation just my man and I - it was amazing. I felt like we connected and grew closer. I was even to the point of thinking about moving in together...until tonight. His first night sleeping over since vacation and my son wakes up obviously upset. He seemed scared and couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep either. He was crying and I was trying to comfort him. I turn around and my boyfriend is standing in my room "I'm going to get going" and he left. I just expected more. Not a "hey is he ok" or "anything I can do"...he just left. He wants to live with me and have an additional child with me? 
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Re: The man in his life

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  • MrsLaLaBugMrsLaLaBug member
    If he's in it for the long haul, I'd think surely a year would be enough time for him to at least have tried to comfort the poor little guy along with you, or at least have asked you if he could help do anything. Parenting doesn't mean you just get up and peace out when the situation sucks or isn't easy... Is he ready to become a parent? Sounds like the two of you need some communication happening about what he wants/needs/expects from the relationship and vice versa, since it's a three way street in your case.
                                                                                      
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  • palmbreezepalmbreeze member
    Upon sitting down he compared my reaction to his whining dog to my crying son. His dog was scratching his bedroom door when I slept over, crying and whining. I tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't wake up. So, I let the dog in the bedroom and they continued to spoon each other...still not waking up. So, I got irritated and left. So, him up and leaving when my son started to cry and me getting mad is a double standard. 

    When I talked to him about what would he do if he lived here. He can't just up and leave...he informed me that he would just go sleep on the couch. 

    He raised step kids...one of which is still in touch with him, but he has no kids of his own. He claims he loves my son and he wants to be a father figure to him. He even said he would have a child with me. He's been making an effort to get to know my son better...but I just feel like something is missing. My son means the world to me and I'm not about to let anyone hurt his little heart. Maybe I'm being overprotective? Paranoid? 
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  • my5sonsmy5sons member
    HilarityEnsued said:

    There are a lot for red flags here. Way too many that I would feel comfortable bringing this man into my child's life in any kind of meaningful way.

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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    edited June 2014
    If I am going to be completely honest, I just don't see a future here.  At least not a happy and healthy one and I think you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

    I think that when he said he didn't want children, he was being 100% honest with you and only " changed his mind " in order to get back together.  The way he reacted when your child was upset only confirms my suspicions that his man isn't father material.  

    You and your child would be better off to make a clean break.

    Never forget that actions speak louder than words.  He can say he loves your child all he wants to, but his actions prove otherwise.  
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  • spainy17spainy17 member
    I'm a lurker here but to me if this is a guy that is trying to get serious with you and live with you he would at least PRETEND to care and be present in that situation. In the beginning of a relationship people are on their best behavior. And yes, you have been dating a while but you just started to contemplate getting serious and if he is already letting you down then what is he going to be like when he gets comfortable and lazy? And life can get much harder than a toddler nightmare... You want a guy who will stick it out.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • palmbreezepalmbreeze member
    Well, here's another thing that just makes me feel off. He does martial arts (even though his doctor told him no) twice a week. I get that you have to have something to do for you. I support that.Twice a week seems a bit excessive but whatever. Plus he runs and goes to the gym. Then when we see him it's like he's always tired  It's usually the same two days of a week he goes. But, if he misses a day for whatever reason he'll make it up another day during the week. It just kinda rubs me the wrong way he never keeps my son in mind. He never makes plans with us first and then plans his martial arts around our day. Having a "family" night just doesn't seem to be a priority. Because he told his coach which two days (for his makeup days) he'll be there, those are the days he has to be there. So, this week he doesn't have time to spend with my son. The week before we went on vacation he wasn't going to see my son for at least five days. You think he'd want to spend some time with him prior to leaving. No, he told his coach he would be there a certain night and that was it. Can't you text him and say hey, something came up I'm sorry. He saw my son Sunday and then won't see him again until Friday at a family get together. 

    Then other times when we do spend time together I see an honest effort on his part to get to know my son. An effort to be that "family guy". He says he wants to be a father figure to my son. 

    He claims I told him that he could up and leave in the night if my son started crying. He didn't know what to do. Ok, I understand that. However, it just seems like a real man would have at least asked "hey is there anything I can do to help?" I asked him what he would do if he lived here...his answer was to go in the other room to sleep on the couch. 

    Him and his ex are divorced. The two girls are now in their twenties and they aren't his biological children. The one girl has nothing to do with him. The other one lives about an hour away and he sees her about once a month. He claims he was worried to get to know my son because he got burned in his last marriage with kids. Then after we got back together it was like night and day. It seems like he let that guard down to be more of the "family" man. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster! When he got together with his past wife the kids were five. Mine is two...I would think he would have some better "skills". 

    Obviously we aren't to that level in our relationship...though I'm not positive that we ever will be...or that I should want to get to that point. Plus did I mention he is ten years older than me? I don't think age matters that much, but maybe that plays a role in this?
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