WWF14 do? Family Edition
TessyMessy
member
SiL and BiL are alcoholics and chronic drug abusers. They recently started doing heroin. Both of them have been to rehab multiple times and obviously are not ready to get clean. My heart breaks for their kids who are 15 &18. Two years ago we had the girls come stay with us. They usually had no food or competent adults at home.Seriously, no child should have to come home from school and check to see if mom is still breathing. I had to drive them to and from school every day since they live in a different school district. It was difficult on DH and I to suddenly have two teenage girls living with us in our tiny house but we did our best to make it work. After a few months the girls went to live with MiL/FiL because they had more space for the girls and time to drive them back and forth to school. The girls didn't like living there so they decided to go home. Things are getting worse with BiL/SiL and the older niece is living with her boyfriend but the 15 year old is stuck. I told DH that I want to become her guardian and enroll her in our school system. MiL/FiL said they cannot take her because they are in the process of moving and other "stuff". I just can't sit and watch this poor girl be in an unsafe environment at home. She deserves a safe home life and some positive role models. DH thinks taking her in will be too much on me but my heart hurts for her. We moved into a bigger house and now have a room she can move in to. I know we have a very mixed bag of ladies on F14. So I ask the question... WWF14 do?
Re: WWF14 do? Family Edition
She needs you. Unless there is some huge pressing reason you can't (like it'd be unsafe for LO), I feel like you need to do it.
I took in my baby sister when she first graduated HS and it was the best thing I ever did. I think the impact you'll make for this girl will be huge. But, make sure you listen to your DH concerns. Having my sis with us was really hard on our marriage even though my H was very supportive.
Kudos to you!
Mom to Lily and Colin!
My mom is an addict though she's been clean for many years now. She used when I was really young, then got clean from about 1st-8th grade, then started using heavily again all through high school and a few years after. I would have loved if someone had rescued me from that situation. The things I went through, it was absolute hell. Please take her in.
ETA As long as she doesn't pose some sort of risk to LO. If she does, then I'd call CPS to get her help that way.
1.) get documentation of the kids situation. (I called CPS). This gives you grounds for temp guardianship and latter full guardianship.
2. ) have in place everything needed for their rooms, so it's literally one house visit and all the paperwork is done. Having them come back to check the random crap is irritating.
3.) have the rest of the family on 'your team' so your not fighting them and it's a united front for the judge.
4.) accept that this will be very hard on many relationships including your marriage. We knew what we were doing was the right thing, but some days were just brutal. Honor each other's feelings, but gently remind each other what your doing for the girl(s) lives and future.
5.) have the sit down with the girls. Let them you know you are there for them, but everyone will be figuring this out together. See if you can get someone they can talk to that is impartial. (I used the school teacher they trusted. I asked the teacher if it would be ok, but also asked that I never hear what is said unless it's life threatening). She will need to get stuff out, and it will not always be you. They will be exacted to do xyz(homework, house choirs, ect).
There are more things, but it's situational and dependent on each kids. Pm me if you need an understanding ear(eyes?).
Thanks for your input ladies.. First off, I will call her "B", is definitely not a threat to my kids. BiL/SiL do not know where our new house is and I intend to keep it that way to protect everyone. If they want to visit with B they can do so at MiL's house. B spends a lot of time at our house now... usually weekends and I have her stay over nights when I work from home the next day so I can get her to school. I know she would be comfortable living with us and she prefers the order and rules DH and I set down for her at our house. I am going to talk to DH about this tonight, then B, and call our lawyer.
TBH I don't deserve all the kind words you guys have offered because I feel guilty that I let her go back to that shit hole in the first place. I had two miscarraiges when the girls were living with us last time which DH attributed to the stress of the situation. I don't know if I agree with him but I also did not have them living with us when I was pregnant with LO. I feel terrible even typing this out but all I can do is try to do right by her now and going forward.
@flyingtoast Thank you for sharing your story! I will probably PM you during this process.
Don't beat yourself up about 'letting her go back.' You were going through a lot and the girls went to live with their grandparents. You thought the best of them and had hoped that BIL/sil would clean up their game. The problem with accidents is they only clean up when THEY are ready, and not being enabled to hold off on the hard parts.
It was easier for us to get custody because it was physical abuse (see the damage with your eyes, pictures). It's harder when it's emotional abuse, because for many it's less concrete or physical. You seem like you have the 'ducks' in a row