How are you all dealing with this? (partial vent of my experience)

cayshaharcrow · June 2014

I am currently pregnant after a mc. My first pregnancy, I was so excited and ecstatic, I bought all kinds of books and prenatal vitamins, changed everything to better myself for this surprise. Me and my husband were excited. I thought I was invincible and that nothing could possibly go wrong. I thought I got off to a good start and that everything was going to be normal because none of my cousins in my family and such ever had miscarriages, they were all conceived and everything was smooth with their pregnancy. It didnt even cross my mind that I could every miscarry, till everything started going downhill. I had a traumatic experience with my first pregnancy after things started going sour. I was having bleeding and cramping, then my baby had no heartbeat, then they ruled my pregnancy not viable, my ob/gyn was extremely rude and standoffish. All she told me was "ok well we when do you want to have your D&C?". She never said "this pregnancy isnt viable" or anything of the sort at first. Mind you I had no idea what a D&C was because I had never gone through this so I had asked what that was, all she said was "your fetus isn't alive." and basically rushed me out of her office to take her next patient, I didnt even catch up to my emotions till i got outside and broke down. My insurance needed to give my ob/gyn a "authorization" to do the d&c which took A MONTH. I went A MONTH with my dead baby inside of me because my body wasnt expelling it on its own. It was so hard knowing that even though my unborn child was in me, he or she would never be in my arms to hold. The day they got the authorization, I had miscarried on my own, alone in a bathroom in the early hours of the morning. The next months were so hard, I went through depression and I just completely lost myself. My husband and I were planning on waiting a year or so to kind of rebuild ourselves, so i had gotten on mirena. I ended up having trouble with it and switched to the pill, and somewhere in between that change, I had gotten pregnant, I discovered it the day after my birthday. My husband was deployed when i found out that I was pregnant but he was so excited and ready to do this again. I was hesitant at first after what I went through but of course I slowly got excited, but I am finding now that my past experience is haunting me and I feel like its taking the excitement out of this pregnancy, I worry about EVERY LITTLE THING. Its draining and its driving me crazy. I feel so exhausted from worry, and I just dont know what to do. Do you ladies have any tips or things you do to not let your past mc consume the joy of your current pregnancy?

2redtulips · June 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. {{hugs}}

In my case, it took a year after my missed miscarriage to conceive again, so I had some time to process my emotions -- but the fear and the grief don't really go away completely.

After getting my bfp, I just held on tight to any and all good news. Good betas at first, then that beautiful heartbeat. My first never had a heartbeat, so that was huge. Since then, every time I hear the heartbeat on the doppler at the doc's or see baby on u/s, it makes my heart smile.

It has been a journey for sure, but trust that hope and healing can happen.

FX for you that this is your rainbow baby.

lorifromwi · June 2014

First, congrats on the BFP!! I'm so sorry for your past experiences. I think we all struggle with our past losses and how well we deal with it can vary from day to day. It's why we are all here, to get support from other ladies who've gone through what we've gone through and offer support and encouragement without judgement.

For me personally, I have to remind myself daily that my past two losses are seperate from this pregnancy and this baby deserves as much love and hope and the previous ones.

Good luck and I hope you find some comfort here with us!

Danielle0311 · June 2014

Congrats on the bfp! I am so sorry for what you went through with your previous loss, I know how hard it is!

For me, I can relate to all the worry. This is my third pregnancy in a year, the first two were losses. I am not at all excited but just filled with worry. I think coping is different for everyone, but for me what is helping is keeping this between only DH and I. After my first loss, having everyone so worried only made me more anxious not to mention people weren't all that supportive which added to my sadness. It's nice to have this is our little secret and helps get through the first few weeks of waiting to see of this is the real deal. Every Dr's appointment that goes well helps to easy my nerves. Just take it day by day and allow yourself to feel however you feel. ((Hugs))

MrsTuna08 · June 2014

I'm very sorry for you loss. Welcome to the board and congratulations on your pregnancy! It is really disappointing that we can't have the naivety of that first pregnancy back; we know from experience that things can go wrong. I have found this board extremely helpful. It has helped me to know that I am normal and other women here know exactly how I'm feeling. Also, this is a very uplifting and gentle community; it is pretty much free of the snark that you will find on other boards

A lot of us use mantras to help calm us when PGAL brain starts to get to us. My favorite is: worrying doesn't relieve tomorrow of its sorrow, it only robs today of its joy. It reminds me that it is ok to be excited about this new pregnancy and worrying now isn't going to make me less sad if the worst should happen, but it will make today less enjoyable.

((Hugs))!

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage as well. It's just a nightmarish situation.

Congrats on your BFP! Remenber that this pregnancy is not the same as your first. For the first several months (at least), you'll have instances of severe PGAL brain, but hopefully as you receive good news at your appointments you'll gain confidence in your pregnancy. Welcome and a H&H nine months to you! ((Hugs))

Mom2anAngel2 · June 2014

Welcome and congrats! I am sorry for your loss. Losses are traumatic and most women will carry those feelings with them through future pregnancies.

My first loss was discovered at my A/S. We were so excited to see our LO and find out the gender. Never did we imagine that the tech would turn and say 'I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat.' I don't think I will ever get the sound of her voice saying this out of my head.

When I was pg with our rainbow I struggled everyday with the possibility that he too would be taken away at any moment. It was not until he was actually placed in my arms that I allowed myself to believe that I would actually bring him home.

I hoped that my next pregnancy would have been emotionally easier since we now had a healthy LO at home. Instead, my 3rd pregnancy ended as a loss at 10 weeks.

Now being pg with, God willing, our second rainbow u continue to struggle each day. I will be 11 weeks tomorrow. I know that when I start to feel movement it will be a little bit easier, but the struggles will remain throughout. Being PgAL is hard. There are many kind words that others will say (with excellent intentions), but you just have to take each day as it comes.

I hope you are able to find some peace and excitement in your current pregnancy, even if the fear remains in the background.

htpowell · June 2014

I know how you feel. I had a mc in November. My Ob was so blunt he flat out said "ok your baby is dead but come back in tem days for another US. We're cancelling all prenatal bloodwork because it's pointless at the moment."
I cried for a week straight, got another Ob in the network and went 2 weeks with a dead fetus. Finally I made such a big deal I got induced for a mc because the Ob didn't want to do a d&c. Then bleed 2 month nonstop after that. And all the Ob said was its normal don't worry. Then finally it stopped.
Now I'm 5 weeks pregnant and so scared, I'm panicking daily about if there's a heartbeat next week. I understand your position, just breathe

Squiddly · June 2014

So sorry for your loss and congrats on your BFP. I hope you are using a new doctor! That's awful that she was so short and harsh with you. I think we can all relate to your worries and fears. It's hard to believe everything will be ok when you thought that the first time and everything wasn't ok. It took me a long time to feel excited about my current pregnancy and I don't think I will ever feel completely confident, but it gets easier all the time. I tried to just keep reminding myself that there was no reason to assume I would lose this pregnancy just because I lost the first. Good luck! Keep coming back here; the ladies are amazingly supportive and helpful.

laurenrae · June 2014

First I am so sorry for your loss, it's a horrible thing to go through. Secondly congrats on your BFP. I hope you have found another OB cause your last sounds like a C U Next Tuesday, you need someone who is compassionate and understanding. The loss of a child is insane pain and one that gets easier but for me has never gone away. I am currently 12 1/2 weeks and still freak out before every appointment. I try to tell myself that this is a different pregnancy and I need to enjoy it because this little angel deserves all the celebration in the world. Also with each positive appointment my confidence is slowly building. I am religious so praying helps and knowing that it'll all work out. I hope that you can find peace.

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