Need a little family vent-added the aftermath

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

My dad just called me, he wanted to see if when they come down for the 4th, if they can have Jocelyn for the afternoon. After I got off the phone with him, my stomach immediately dropped. She does ok with him, but usually ends up crying if I'm not there with her. She does great with my mom and mil, but for some reason, I feel super nervous with her and my dad. It also pisses me off a little that my dad said if they don't get her, they will just go to tx instead. I've had problems constantly with my dad trying to spend more time with my sis and me growing up, and although I'm glad that he's doing better now that joss is born, it still makes me mad that it was because of her that he is around more. When we talk to him, it's the same thing, he says he will try better, then it's the same problems again. A tiny part of me wants to tell him no, especially if he's just going to skip seeing his daughters altogether because of this. And knowing my dad, he will skip past the part of me not being comfortable with him watching her and just assume I'm doing it because out of spite. The only reason I'm good with mil watching her is that we worked up to letting her watch her as long as she does now(6hrs), we'd leave for an hour dinner, then the next time a little longer and so on. I'm sorry if this sounds petty, but I'm just frusterated and don't know what to do. I'm not ready for my dad to just show up and take her for the whole afternoon just yet.

peachnectarine · June 2014

Can you go with them? I would be insulted if my dad wanted to take LO somewhere and didn't even invite me. I'd tell him you are going too or J is not going at all.

WasNotWas · June 2014

I'm with you lady, I am still not ok with anyone taking either kid for the afternoon. It was even difficult letting my MIL tend to Bradley while I was in the hospital for Tyler's birth! I suggest what @seashell002 said about joining them or lot of day drinking

hugs

WasNotWas · June 2014

ChicagoChic82 said:

I'm sorry if I was too harsh. I just can't see continuing the tradition of not having a great relationship with your dad, does that make sense? Here's where I'm coming from: you're upset because you don't have a great relationship with your dad, but you are withholding your daughter from him because if it, perpetuating the cycle.

Now, the stretch of time that he takes her is a different issue. Like PPs said, ask if you can go with. I personally would be fine letting my dad and step-mom take my son for the afternoon (which they would never ask to do), because I know they want the best for my son as much as I do. But, different strokes for different folks...

Ryanswifey619

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

Thanks everyone for the input. @ChicagoChic82‌ not harsh at all. When she was first born, my dad came around more then, which honestly, I am fine with. I've told DH many times that glad that if he wasn't around for me growing up, that at least he'll be around for her to see and know. I think it'll always just be a little frustrating that, like he said today, if he can't get to spend that time with her, he'll skip seeing her altogether or not even consider taking me with him-he never mentioned seeing if I would go too. The biggest part I'm not liking is that he wants to take her for the whole afternoon. I would be fine with an hour, maybe even two, but not just sweeping in and taking the whole afternoon. I would rather let him build up a little bit of time and let me get comfortable first. I talked to my bff and she had suggested seeing if he would watch her for an hour so DH and I can get lunch then everyone getting together after and spending the evening together.
@WasNotWas‌ I still kinda battle with myself if anyone, including my mom or mil takes her for that long.

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

He said he wanted to take her to the zoo possibly, which wouldn't be bad, id only be worried that she would get too warm in the weather. If he did take her for an hour or two- like I'm hoping- he could do the park and lunch, maybe a little shopping and I'd be fine with that. I'm really just not ready for him to take her for too long her, which is probably why my stomach flipped when he asked.

momofcatan · June 2014

Others have already given great advice so I'm only going to weigh in about the taking her for the whole afternoon point. If it were me, as long as it is someone I trust I would do it, as long as there is more than one adult around. (I feel like people don't realize how much you need to be on your game with a mobile infant/toddler, like you can't just go to the bathroom on your own, so that is why I prefer 2 grown ups). I know DD will get upset when I leave her with someone, but I know that with some time and distraction she will be fine, so making her go through all the upset to come back a short time after she has calmed down is a waste.

Also what is "afternoon" for you? For us by the time DD is finished lunch it would be 1:00-1:30 and I would want her back to nap at 4:00, so its not *that* long.

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

I'm not really sure. I love the zoo, would love to go, but he never even mentioned taking me or DH with them. I could probably ask and see what he would say. I'm honestly just hoping he will understand where I'm coming from when I talk to him.

WasNotWas · June 2014

If he has ANY issue with you or DH going with them wherever they go, I would not let him take her at all. I understand the developing relationship he is trying to have with your daughter, but why not try to build a relationship with you at the same time?

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

@WasNotWas‌ this exactly. I am glad that he is trying to be a big part in her life, love this, but exactly what you said. We all win, I get to be there to help me comfort wise, she gets to know him better, and he gets to see her. Andplusalso I get time with my dad.

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

subliminalrabbit said:

Ryanswifey619 said:

I'm not really sure. I love the zoo, would love to go, but he never even mentioned taking me or DH with them. I could probably ask and see what he would say. I'm honestly just hoping he will understand where I'm coming from when I talk to him.

Perhaps instead of asking, when you talk to him, simply say "I'd love to join you guys; it sounds like a lot of fun." That way it's not a question. He can't simply say no. Sure, he could tell you that he'd like some one-on-one time with his granddaughter, but it's really hard to turn someone down if they make a statement rather than ask permission.

This sounds good, I'll try this. I told him I'd talk to DH first, but I just needed some input and to get my thoughts together before I talked to him again.

Cricket81 · June 2014

Also, if things are going well, you could easily let him do part of the zoo on his own.

BunnyLove416 · June 2014

WasNotWas said:

If he has ANY issue with you or DH going with them wherever they go, I would not let him take her at all. I understand the developing relationship he is trying to have with your daughter, but why not try to build a relationship with you at the same time?

This.

GalLaura · June 2014

I wouldn't let him take your lo. You should be invited too. That's my opinion. I wouldn't let someone who I have a so so relationship take my child for the day.

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

So I talked to DH, he pissed me off. He tells me that we can just go to dinner and a movie and let dad watch her-not a problem. When I tell my dad this, he acts like this may not be acceptable, that he'll talk to my sm and let me know. I told him that would be ok and I'd be comfortable with this, that mil and mom worked up to watching her as long as they did so I could be ok with it. He was like well let me see. DH starts back pedaling saying he said to just let my dad take joss for the whole afternoon, not just dinner and a movie. Totally ignored how I felt or my comfort level. He was like nothing's going to happen, he never gets to watch her, etc. then ignored me for 45mins

lioness13 · June 2014

Why is you DH ignoring you? Thats not nice.

I am a little late but I think your DD will be fine with a whole afternoon with your dad. My mom and dad who live out of state have both watched KJ for long periods after not seeing her for a while. She was okay after I left. Not sure how your baby is but unless she has a seriously adverse reaction to being around your dad, you should let her. Your stepmom will be there too, right?

Ryanswifey619 · June 2014

Because apparently I didn't tell my dad he could just take my daughter, instead I gave him a time frame. It's mostly for my comfort level, I'm not comfortable with anyone just taking her for long periods of time yet.
He's still ignoring me, I feel like crying because I'm not biting my tongue and giving my dad a time frame

jmcgra06 · July 2014

@Ryanswifey619‌ - how did it all turn out? I definitely feel for you!!

Ryanswifey619 · July 2014

@jmcgra06‌ it's going ok. My dad's still complaining about the time Im letting him have this weekend(I figured he can take her to the park and lunch) and now wants to critique my parenting(she needs to cio in her crib or you need to do so and so more, etc) and tell me how my mil should be able to be at my house whenever she wants to see J so I'm pretty sure it's going to be a long weekend.
@steamboat123‌ that's what I'm trying to do, just take a step back, realize it's just one afternoon, then she'll be back with me safely. I'm bad about worrying a lot more now that she's born and here, so I'm trying to keep calm and not think about the negatives. Except for my dad and his criticizing, that's going to drive me insane listening to him. I may be having a few drinks with you ladies to get me through this weekend.

cafecreme · July 2014

I think the whole afternoon at the zoo sounds really unrealistic. I just went last week, to one of the bigger zoo's, and we were there for maybe 2 hours. Even if I had, lets say, my MIL and FIL take her out (which I have a really good relationship with, and trust them completely), I would also have a time limit. I would be like "you want to take my 13 month out for the whole day?!?". Especially in this heat- aint no way that's happening. 2 hours, sure. Let us know how it goes,

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