Am I CRAZY?

Divallyn · June 2014

Honest opinions welcome.

So I know I am not a regular around here but I do visit often to see the happenings and comment irregulary.
Here is my concern:
I worry about my child dying all the time. I think of how devastating it would be, how would I survive, etc. I also get horrible flashes of horrible things happening to him. I don't know if this is normal? I read the shattering article published by Washington post about kids being forgotten in hot cars. That article jolted me to the core so much so that everytime I get in a hot car I get a ting of anxiety. I don't know if maybe I have a touch of post traumatic stress as when my son was 15 months old we had to rush him to the childrens hospital for breathing difficutly four times in four months.
I guess I am wondering if other moms experience this or if you think I am "extreme".

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs I am not sure how to keep my paragraphs from dissappearing when mobile.

Thanks in advance.

hopefulmom81 · June 2014

Disclaimer : I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, so I don't think I am the best barometer for what is "normal" persay.

That being said, especially being OAD, those precious little beings are all we have. Of course you are going to worry about the "what ifs" and especially if you had urgent medical scares.

I have vivid images pop into my head about walking into DD's room and seeing her in the crib not breathing and the moments that would follow. I think about the "what ifs" quite a bit as well. DH says he gets those too.

I think if the discomfort you feel over these thoughts is making you unhappy, then it NEVER hurts to see someone (Licensed Clinical Social Worker, therapist, etc.) just to discuss.

Nothing you are saying sounds abnormal to me, though.

meo34 · June 2014

Wow, I have never verbalized this but have had these thoughts from time to time as well. Glad to know I am not the only one. I have these visions of something happening to him. They are everything to us and I imagine parents with more than one have those paniced moments as well! If it is interfering with your ability to function though I would seek counselling.

Helenahhandbasket · June 2014

Yes, I have thought about this as well in darker moments. And I read that article you are talking about-- I actually read it maybe a week before DD was born and it turned me into a hot pile of complete panic.

I think the thoughts are normal, but I have to make my OaD decision in a vacuum. If it were somehow guaranteed that no harm would ever come to DD would I still be OaD? Yes, I would.

The fear of losing her does not outweigh my current or future sanity.

Divallyn · June 2014

I'm glad to hear that others experience this as well. I am totally open to talking to someone about my fears and anxiety.
I am positive I would be having these feelings even if I wasn't of the one and done mindset so that's not a concern for me. I was mostly concerned that I am abnormal experiencing this thoughts so often.
Thanks for the replies so far.

jellybean529 · June 2014

A little girl at DD's former daycare was killed in a freak accident at the school a couple months ago. That definitely made me think about being OAD, purely for selfish reasons. If I lost DD, I don't think I could survive it. But if I had another child, I would have no choice but to keep on going for that child. But I know freak accidents happen all the time and I can't control it so I try not to think too much about it (though I have GAD so that's kind of hard...)

TittsMcGee · June 2014

Its normal to have those worries once in a while and I am sure all parents have them but if you feel like you are thinking about it too much a therapist might help.

Myaflowers · June 2014

I didn't read through all the responses, but I'm anxious by nature and worry often about the "what its." The articles on secondary drowning and leaving children in the car (both seem to be going around lately) freak me out. I saw a show the other day about a mom with cancer... Freaked me out. Accident on the interstate with fatalities yesterday and over the weekend freaked me out. I'm a therapist, so I try to do cognitive behavioral therapy on myself...work on challenging the irrational thoughts. For example, with the car accident the people who died were all, unfortunately, not wearing seat belts, so I remind myself that I wear my seat belt and accidents with fatalities are rare. I also try to use distraction and mindfulness skills when I can't turn my brain off (for example, focusing on observing things around me, counting things, etc).

I don't know if it's normal to have worries like this, but it seems like many people do. My worries have definitely gotten worse since having DD. I'm on Cymbalta for anxiety, but when I see my OB next month, I plan to talk to her and see if she thinks that my level of anxiety is normal for a (relatively) new mom.

Hang in there and feel free to post here whenever you need to!

KS02CS08 · June 2014

I have thought about what if something happened to dd. But I know another baby wouldn't fill her place so I don't worry about things like that.

HopingforChange · June 2014

KS02CS08 said:
I have thought about what if something happened to dd. But I know another baby wouldn't fill her place so I don't worry about things like that.

This exactly. I do worry, but I try not to. Talk therapy (specifically CBT) has been a huge blessing for me. I would definitely recommend it for you. It helps control the fear.

Ago · June 2014

I do have anxious thoughts about DD dying at times. It scares me, but I don't think it affects how I parent or live my life in a way that I can't function. I really had a fear of leaving DD in her carseat, as we had a child death nearby for that reason about the time DD was born. I also had a lot of fear of finding her not breathing in her crib/bassinet when she was an infant, but that lessened with time and as she got older. Sometimes those things play out in my mind and are distressing. I think some of that is normal.

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