Small FTM freakout - advice?

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

Growing up an "only child" (my half sister is 20 years older than me) in an older family, I was never around babies. I have no experience with them. I mean, seriously, I have never changed a diaper and I didn't even hold my first baby until I was 23. It was a totally awkward experience and thus has been repeated about zero times since then. Our friends have a newborn and occasionally I poke at its leg and say something like, "Hi there!" but that's about as close as I get.

My husband, on the other hand, had a younger sister (born when he was in his teens) and nieces and nephews he babysat daily when they were babies. He has tons of experience with kids. He's great with them! He's changed tons of diapers and knows what to do when they...well, do whatever babies do. Hooray!

My problem: I am kind of freaked out that I'm going to give birth to these two babies and not know what to do and he's just going to start taking over doing everything because he knows how to do it. And then I'm going to sit back and feel like a failure as a mother because I don't know what to do with my babies.

I know that sounds all kinds of illogical, but I'm a FTM and I'm scared. Any words of advice?

TLDR: HELP! I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BABIES AND I'M HAVING TWO OF THEM!

MollMoll4 · June 2014

I think there is something to be said for maternal instinct. I'm sure once the babies arrive you will be an AWESOME momma. I also believe that everyone, no matter how much previous baby interaction they've had, gets nervous when faced with being solely responsible for a baby!!!

That being said, if you are really that worried about it you can always take some parenting/baby classes and read some books!

jlove253 · June 2014

Don't worry! I had a fair amount of baby experience and still felt freaked out. For me knowledge was power and peace of mind. My dd's pediatrician office offers classes on newborn basics for free. Ask around and you'll probably find something similar. Also, the first few months baby needs so little and you'll get the hang of those few things. Don't worry too much

missnacholover · June 2014

I think with TWO babies you definitely won't be able to sit back and let him do everything.

You will be great. Learn on the fly!

MrsLillyG · June 2014

Take a class and read books... But I just wanted to tell you that everyone is winging the parenting thing.

ETA: some health insurance plans help pay for classes. Look into this.

abbyful · June 2014

Before having DS, I had never even changed a diaper, and had only held babies a handful of times.

You'll get the hang of it!

Sarahbeth612 · June 2014

You will be fine! These are your babies, little pieces of you that depend on you. It can be overhelming but it sounds like your husband might be a lot of help! There are also parenting classes you can usually find wherever birth classes are offered. I found the nurses in the hospital actually offered a lot of help as far as diaper changing, holding, swaddling, and even a journal to keep track of feedings/changes.
You will be a great mom

momtojad · June 2014

I never changed a diaper till I had DS. I also very rarely held a baby because they sort of scared me. I think I turned out to be a pretty good mother. His circumcized penis still scared the hell out of me and I am sure this one will too. I still get scared holding other people newborns. Your own baby is a different feeling and you feel comfortable with them and no one is there when you accidentally screw up or drop ketchup on their face while babywearing (lol yes this happened0 so you just pretend like it didn't happen and move on.

absolutelymaybe · June 2014

Does anyone have any good Baby 101 book recommendations? So far I've read a couple tailored for multiples, but I'd like to maybe find something even more basic. An idiots guide to babies?

CarrieAnne09 · June 2014

You'll be fine!!! I feel the same way - except neither of us has ever changed a diaper. I have nieces and nephews that I've held a fair amount of times but that's about as far as my baby experience has gone... My DH has no experience with babies AT ALL. This is going to be quite the experience. But everyone has to start somewhere.

ssstephanie214 · June 2014

I'm going to take baby care classes! The only infants I've been around and cared for were orphans and that was traumatizing for me at 16 years old. Moving in both good and bad ways. If you live near me (philly) I will certainly go to classes with you!! And be thankful that your husband has experience, it doesn't make you a bad mother that you could stand to learn from other sources

sweetbabyrahe · June 2014

Baby's first year is I think what mine was called. It had some great basic info. Also, you will get practice in the hospital with the helpful nurses and then a lot of practice with 2 babies once you get home. You will start to get the hang of it, and since DH is more comfortable...he can be a great help. P.S. Any person who says they were completely comfortable as FTM caring for their newborn is LYING.

ssstephanie214 · June 2014

Ps. Maybe classes are a good way to locate/test out a pediatrician's office

NLJ82 · June 2014

I'm in a VERY similar situation as you, except that 1)I didn't even have an older step sibling, we just didn't have any babies & 2)DH is also an only child and held a baby once in his life.

We're both awkward and screwed lol. Good Luck!

wildflower75 · June 2014

First off I would say don't worry... your motherly nurturing instinct will kick in, many things are common sense and it is nice to have someone experienced to help you!
But also you should take some classes to put your mind at ease... many hospitals do Baby Care/Feeding/Infant CPR classes and these are all good for reassurance.

I'm sure you'll be fine!!

Ineedmorecoffee · June 2014

Didn't read other replies yet, just wanted to say prior to having my first baby, I am the oldest of 4 and always took care of my younger siblings. I also worked in childcare for years. I thought I knew what I was doing. When I had him, I had NO Idea wtf I was doing. It's very different when it's your own kid and you have them 24.7 vs just babysitting.

You will do great!

mander82 · June 2014

I am sure you will do fine. When my niece was born a couple years ago, I had zero experience with babies. the first time I held her, I was stiff as a board and got tears in my eyes. I really had no idea how to hold a baby. A few months later, I changed her diaper and it wasn't bad. Once you get those little babies, your maternal instinct will kick in.

My DH told me that when everyone (annoyingly) offers me advice, that I should listen to what they have to say, because alot of it really may be useful tips.

MollMoll4 · June 2014

absolutelymaybe said:
Does anyone have any good Baby 101 book recommendations? So far I've read a couple tailored for multiples, but I'd like to maybe find something even more basic. An idiots guide to babies?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0028619579?pc_redir=1403304498&robot_redir=1

jess123456 · June 2014

You will be totally fine. Your maternal instincts will kick in and you will have no choice but to just be thrown in and go with it. Some hospitals offer newborn care classes if you are interested?

runningmama14 · June 2014

Dh and I are the opposite. I have all the baby experience and he doesn't. Even when we've had infant foster placements, because of scheduling and when we had them, he had very little exposure.

I'm already mentally preparing myself to just walk away sometimes and let him figure it out his own way. I'm a bit of a control freak, so I'm hoping 9 months of mentally prepping myself will make it slightly easier! You'll get plenty of chances to figure it out on your own, especially with two! Bonus, they will never remember that you didn't know how to put on their diaper or fix a bottle at first. You'll be super mom before they ever have a clue ;-)

aries21 · June 2014

Good luck! Your maternal insticnt will
Kick in. You can read books maybe browse at a library to see what you like but honestly maternal insinct will kick in! And your babies wont know if you are not doing something right and you will be the best mommy ever to them. I had zero experience wth babies! Never held a baby until my newborn and never changed diapers etc. in hospital they teach you if you need you can ask if they dont. Good luck!!!

hiketheworld · June 2014

I'm in the same boat. FTM with zero childcare experience of any kind. I'm planning on taking classes and reading books- "cramming" for this upcoming test! I think that our instincts will kick in, but that said, educating yourself on as much a possible ahead of time can't hurt. More importantly, having a set of resources lined up ahead of time would make me feel more at ease. Know how you can contact a doctor, nurse, lactation consultant, etc so that when the need arises you don't have to spend the time figuring it out.

brooklyngirl18 · June 2014

i have very limited newborn experience and more in the toddler age and i'm also freaking out. DH thinks he knows a ton about babies and while he's great with kids, he put his nieces diaper on backwards last time we babysat so it'll definitely be interesting in november! my mom bought me what to expect when you're expecting and i like it so i actually just today bought 'what to expect the first year' and the happiest baby on the block. i'll let you know how they are when they arrive

kfo22 · June 2014

absolutelymaybe said:

Does anyone have any good Baby 101 book recommendations? So far I've read a couple tailored for multiples, but I'd like to maybe find something even more basic. An idiots guide to babies?

My friend lent me a copy of the Mayo Clinic's guide to pregnancy. It gave a lot of descriptions about what babies can or normally look like from as soon as they're born through the newborn stage. They described what kinds of rashes, marks, or bumps could pop up and when/if you should be worried. From a medical perspective, that was good info to keep in my pocket!

I'm an only child, too! Literally. I babysat for a few months in middle school, and that was the last time I changed a diaper! My husband on the other hand, refuses to hold our friends' new (or slightly older) babies for the fear of breaking them, haha. He says he's totally comfortable taking full responsibility if he happens to drop our baby though... Anyway, we will be learning sooo much in the first few weeks, months, years and beyond. It's going to be a challenge for sure. A challenge I can't wait for!!! (Edit: words)

ssstephanie214 · June 2014

WildFlower810 said:
I like the point about babies not being as fragile as they seem. Think about a mom delivering during a vaginal birth, then think about what that infant is going through in the birth canal! Babies' bones are very soft when they are born.

Ouch, do babies cry on their way out? Has that ever happened? It would be like a scary rosemary's baby type movie I bet

missnacholover · June 2014

I also want to throw in to not be afraid to laugh at yourself.

You're not going to get everything right the first time so try to find the humor in situations!

Sarahbeth612 · June 2014

ssstephanie214 said:

WildFlower810 said:
I like the point about babies not being as fragile as they seem. Think about a mom delivering during a vaginal birth, then think about what that infant is going through in the birth canal! Babies' bones are very soft when they are born.
Ouch, do babies cry on their way out? Has that ever happened? It would be like a scary rosemary's baby type movie I bet

They might, if they could fully breathe in air at that point! They've been inhaling fluid for so long but they do cry once they get it suctioned out!

Singingmama10 · June 2014

I have 8 nieces and nephews. I have also worked in daycares and changed many a diapers... however, being a FTM I am still scared shitless!!!! There is SO much that we just can not prepare for until we are thrown into it. Every mom has to learn and I think the vast majority of us start REALLY learning once that baby comes out(I have no data to back this up just an assumption). It's kinda like college (at least this is how I feel about it) sure, I can take class after class after class telling me how to do my job, but I really don't know what I am doing until I start doing it.

PineApple85 · June 2014

I could have written this 2 and a half years ago. Almost verbatim, down to SO. Instincts will help you a lot. I preferred forums like The Bump over any specific books so I can't add any recommendations there. The forums give me multiple opinions and real-time, first-hand perspectives from different walks of life and I can go with what makes sense to *me* instead of what one author of any given book will say. Not knocking any books, that's just why I stuck to the forums.

Anyway, your husband can be wealth of knowledge and so can whatever other resources you choose to learn from but your instincts will kick in quick and you'll be fine. :-)

carcrashheart · June 2014

You'll be fine. It's more instinct and trial and error. I hadn't changed a diaper or held a baby when DS was born either. You just start doing it and figuring out what works best for you and them. The hospital sent us home with some sort of baby book that they referred to as the bible. It have a run down on most everything: how to change baby, how many poops/pees to look for, sleeping, rashes, washing them, etc. pretty much a brief overview of everything. I thought it was dumb but we got home and used that thing constantly! Also, in the hospital they try to help you a little and be hands off so that you can learn, but they're there. I remember the morning we were leaving, I was tryin to feed him and he just would not open his mouth to take the bottle. I did what I could think of. I finally called a nurse and she tried to help and give me tips. Utilize your nurses. Learn what you can by doing and asking for help or guidance before leaving. It helps. You'll be fine though. Promise.

Carebella · June 2014

I loved the book "The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance" by Louis and Joe Borgenicht. It was super easy to read with lots of pictures and very no nonsense with a touch of humor. Definitely think it's a great book for FTMs and dad's.

jac409 · June 2014

As everyone else has said, your maternal instincts will kick in and you will be fine! One thing I did that I think helped was to read the 0 - 3 month board during my third trimester. I never posted anything, just lurked. It kind of got me acclimated to what I could really expect. It also has a lot of advice from actual moms who are going through the newborn phase themselves. Classes and books are great, and I recommend them as well. But reading other moms experiences really helped me too.

SweetMelissa5 · June 2014

abbyful said:

Before having DS, I had never even changed a diaper, and had only held babies a handful of times. You'll get the hang of it!

This was exactly me before my oldest was born. It really is something that you'll figure out as you go.

Nfranco973 · June 2014

I agree the Maternal instinct will kick in. I have to say, I just had the same convo with DH lastnite. He's so scared to even hold a baby ( he has none, I have 2) but I reassured him that I will teach him the essentials and he will learn soon enough. I laugh every time I think about him even trying to change a diaper. It's natural for you to be a little nervous. Even as a TTM I'm a little nervous because it's been a while.

creativesoul83 · June 2014

I was left with dh nephew he was a little over a year old while sil went to hospital to have our niece.

I knew nothing. I was like you. poke a leg day hi. I even once looked at him and said what's up? to a barely one year old. had no idea about diapers. she thought I knew what i was doing nope no clue.

everything went fine expect the air conditioner grate feel on him. he was fine screamed but fine no marks on him. his diaper never fell off or leaked.

So I think it is trial and error and instinct kicks in. I was so freaked she was a nanny so I was afraid she would find out I was clueless nope. but he always gets excited to see me now.

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