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Korean MIL is furious we're NOT having a boy

eriberri88eriberri88 member
in 2nd Trimester
My husband's Korean mother won't speak to me since finding out the sex of our baby last week (girl!) Everyone's excited and supportive but her. She lives with us and we take care of her (elderly and sick) and our relationship has always been strained, now so even more. She sulks all day and told my husband "I don't want a girl! I never raised a girl I wanted a boy!" When we first started dating 2 years ago she pressured us like crazy to have kids and now she's still unhappy. I can't help but resent her and feel so sad thinking she won't care about our child simply based on her sex.
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Re: Korean MIL is furious we're NOT having a boy

  • silverwings72silverwings72 member
    She is not right in the head. I'm sorry you're going through this. I realize it's hard, but this is not your stuff, this is her craziness. Maybe your husband can talk to her and give her some
    Clear boundaries on how she is expected to behave around you. You do not need this stress nor do you deserve it. That is some rude shit!
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  • emoxymooseemoxymoose member
    I don't have any great advice for you. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to put your foot down about her being vocal about her disappointment. If she lives with you then I hope you have the courage to tell her yourself, you need to be VERY BLUNT and tell her to keep her mouth shut about things pertaining to your wonderful baby girl.

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  • lookame3639lookame3639 member
    In her culture it's very common to want a boy as the first child because the first born male is supposed to care for the parents when they are older. It doesn't excuse her behavior but it is somewhat of a cultural thing.

    it is something that your husband and her need to discuss. He needs to make her aware that culture or not her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to get over it.
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  • eriberri88eriberri88 member
    Yeah that's exactly what the issue is.. but my husband is half Korean (she married a white man) so she complains about being the black sheep of the family (for having a mixed child and getting divorced) but then falls comfortably into the pattern of throwing some stupid culture expectation at us. He's spoken to her a few times regarding this situation and we both agreed she'll have to go into a home if she doesn't get on board when our daughter is born. No way will we let her be subjected to that toxic mindset.
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  • eriberri88eriberri88 member
    She treats my husband like gold.. he's her only child and of course male, and has been taking care of her for almost 10 years. She ignores and treats me like the Spanish maid (I'm Spanish and white) and only speaks to me in regards to telling me she needs something (medicine or food) or asking where my husband is. She's always been horrible but seemed excited when we got pregnant and couldn't wait for a grandson. We both wanted a girl so we couldn't be happier but she's ruining one of the happiest moments of our lives (first baby for both of us/ our families.)
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  • eriberri88eriberri88 member
    Being a caregiver is seriously a burden I wouldn't wish on anyone.. it's tough because his father passed when he was very young and his mother never did much besides casually date. So she when she feel ill my husband dropped out of college to work two jobs to support the both of them. For years it was him struggling just to keep a roof over their heads. Then when we met and fell in love, he moved me into their home and it was fine at first, but slowly she got more and more jealous. I'm sad that she refuses to have any emotional connection to me and not hopeful for the future of her granddaughter. He and I both work full time and we all live a very comfortable life. I just wish she could appreciate us more and not add on even MORE stress
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  • MMason12MMason12 member
    lookame3639 said:
    In her culture it's very common to want a boy as the first child because the first born male is supposed to care for the parents when they are older. It doesn't excuse her behavior but it is somewhat of a cultural thing. it is something that your husband and her need to discuss. He needs to make her aware that culture or not her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to get over it.
    This! Exactly this. 
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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    There is some cultural expectation that the Grandparents will raise or be heavily involved in raising your kids. You need to come up with a plan with your husband to set boundaries ASAP.

    My MIL is Taiwanese but she is never satisfied with anything. Everyone else is always smarter, richer, luckier. The house is never clean enough & she is constantly criticizing my child rearing.

    I have to tell her constantly, "we are the parents & this is how we do X, Y & Z".

    She almost refused to come into the hospital room at all because our first born is female. She still is very critical of Abby & I have to tell her to fucking can it most of the time. "Abby's ears aren't flat enough?" "Make her speak clearly people will think she is retarded." Blah blah it's never ending.

    I've lost my shit on her, we've kicked her out but the BSC & guilt runs deep. I'd love to cut her out completely but I've got this husband problem.

    It's her loss if she chooses to be unhappy. Until then you can share my fun flask with me.


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  • eriberri88eriberri88 member
    PrimRoseMama said:

    There is some cultural expectation that the Grandparents will raise or be heavily involved in raising your kids. You need to come up with a plan with your husband to set boundaries ASAP.

    My MIL is Taiwanese but she is never satisfied with anything. Everyone else is always smarter, richer, luckier. The house is never clean enough & she is constantly criticizing my child rearing.

    I have to tell her constantly, "we are the parents & this is how we do X, Y & Z".

    She almost refused to come into the hospital room at all because our first born is female. She still is very critical of Abby & I have to tell her to fucking can it most of the time. "Abby's ears aren't flat enough?" "Make her speak clearly people will think she is retarded." Blah blah it's never ending.

    I've lost my shit on her, we've kicked her out but the BSC & guilt runs deep. I'd love to cut her out completely but I've got this husband problem.

    It's her loss if she chooses to be unhappy. Until then you can share my fun flask with me.

    She can't even be trusted to monitor her own blood sugar let alone ever be trusted to be alone with a baby. I have no levels of disillusion that she won't treat Addie good or want to be involved at all, and luckily my husband is on board with cutting her out of our families life if that is the case. I refuse to have my daughter think "grandma doesn't love me," she's better off not having one at all then dealing with that IMO. Ugh, pass me the flask !!
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  • Rainbow17Rainbow17 member
    It makes me so sad that someone wouldn't want a baby girl. My husband and I are both hoping for a baby girl. Consider yourself blessed. I'm noticing wanting a boy isn't just a Korean thing, but other cultures, as well - even in America (especially South I've noticed).  Sorry you are going through this.
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  • RedBaramidRedBaramid member
    I'll chime in as the wife of an Eastern European. My FIL is mostly the laziest SOB in the world and actually runs away when he see's me (we all live together right now while DH and I close on a house) because he can't handle the fact that he's going to be a grandfather.  He's hardly a parent to any of his three kids.  I got pregnant and at first it was okay, but as I've gotten bigger he's more and more afraid of having to finally grow up (something you'd think he'd done years ago).  My MIL's parents are thrilled with the news of a great granddaughter(so is she), FIL's parents(and him) are completely disappointed. I work full time, I don't speak Georgian, and not even enough of Russian to hold a conversation, and now I dare to carry a girl instead of a boy.  They are in a complete tizzy and freaking out about losing the family name(My husband is the only boy in his generation, which includes 13 female cousins and his 2 sisters). We have actually cut off all contact with them over their awful responses, and have told them to please not bother to send money or gifts since they cannot be supportive. I really hope your DH can stand up to his mother for you. It's hard to feel like the whole family is turning against you, especially since this is one aspect of pregnancy that we have completely NO control over(after all, it is the sperm that picks the sex haha)...
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  • MeetherMeether member
    Rainbow17 said:
    It makes me so sad that someone wouldn't want a baby girl. My husband and I are both hoping for a baby girl. Consider yourself blessed. I'm noticing wanting a boy isn't just a Korean thing, but other cultures, as well - even in America (especially South I've noticed).  Sorry you are going through this.

    Yes, I was surprised with this happening in the US. DH's dad was so disappointed dd was a girl, he said that he'll wait until she's born to confirm. With this dd, he hasn't discussed it.....it's so dumb. My parents are Asian (both born and raised in the UK though) and were thrilled at the news of girls. They would be happy with anything! DH's dad even went out and bought books on how to raise a girl and so on.
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  • eriberri88eriberri88 member
    Meether said:


    Rainbow17 said:

    It makes me so sad that someone wouldn't want a baby girl. My husband and I are both hoping for a baby girl. Consider yourself blessed. I'm noticing wanting a boy isn't just a Korean thing, but other cultures, as well - even in America (especially South I've noticed).  Sorry you are going through this.



    Yes, I was surprised with this happening in the US. DH's dad was so disappointed dd was a girl, he said that he'll wait until she's born to confirm. With this dd, he hasn't discussed it.....it's so dumb. My parents are Asian (both born and raised in the UK though) and were thrilled at the news of girls. They would be happy with anything! DH's dad even went out and bought books on how to raise a girl and so on.

    It's so funny to me how my MIL (the black sheep of her family for marrying a white man and having a mixed baby) is so set on a boy passing on the family name (she divorced DHs dad!) I think a lot of it has to do with for a long time it's always been her and her son their entire lives, but he's 34 and needs to grow up and have his own family, not just take care of her forever. But sadly that's the norm in Asian culture and I've always been understanding and never mentioned the words "nursing home" until she started jumping down my throat about how depressed she is were having a girl.

    I think the common theme here is you can't make everybody happy so there's no use in trying, but the overwhelming responses of support have really cheered me up :)!
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  • keshupe29keshupe29 member
    lookame3639 said:
    In her culture it's very common to want a boy as the first child because the first born male is supposed to care for the parents when they are older. It doesn't excuse her behavior but it is somewhat of a cultural thing. it is something that your husband and her need to discuss. He needs to make her aware that culture or not her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to get over it.

    This!! My husband is korean as well. Some of the traditions / cultural aspects are a lot to deal with for me sometimes. However he put his foot down long ago on a lot of things he will not do / participate in. I think it was hard for mom but in the end she got over it. We are also having a baby girl and they are thrilled! Mom should know that you and DH cannot make baby a boy just because that's what she wants. That is out of your control and she is being rediculous. Time for hubby to have a serious chat with mom!
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  • cayshaharcrowcayshaharcrow member
    Tell her "hey lady, you know its your sons sperm that determines the gender of the baby, its out of MY control!"

    Some MIL's are so bizarre I swear.
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  • BkBaby118BkBaby118 member
    I am so sorry; that's really sad! You're in a tough position living with her as well, considering how much of a strain and negative presence she has been. This doesn't make her behavior OK, but she might have a change of heart once the baby actually arrives and she falls in love with her.

    I know it's a traditional and not just cultural thing to prefer boy babies, but I can't say it's a Korean thing across the board. My husband and I are both Korean, and we're expecting a girl (our first baby), and our parents and other relatives are all really happy and actual prefer that we're having a girl. They think baby girls are often easier to handle, they make better eldest siblings, and care more about their parents when they get older. Who knows if any of that will be true in our case!
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  • TaraGoldenCOTaraGoldenCO member
    edited June 2014

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  • momthatliftsmomthatlifts member
    She's not raising the girl. You are. It's not her child. I would shove it in her face any opportunity I got. Shit, start painting the walls pink

    It's a BOY










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  • flclflcl member
    PPs are right.  This is, unfortunately, part of your MIL's culture and you absolutely do NOT have to put up with it.  I'm so glad to hear that your husband is supportive to you and your DD.  It's going to be hard, but putting boundaries on her is exactly what your family needs.  Her behavior is completely inappropriate.  Years ago, a friend and I were pushing her two young boys in a stroller at the mall.  We ran into an Asian woman, also a mother of two, in the elevator.  The woman looks at my friend's boys and then looks at her girls and says to us, "You have TWO boys?!  I have two girls.  You are so lucky, two boys."  My friend and I were so sad for her girls.  No girl, no one deserves that... I'm glad you and your husband are not going to put up with that BS from your MIL.  GL...
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  • allurah2014allurah2014 member
    That is really sad. She will be over it when the baby is born. It still doesn't excuse her behavior though. My mil is also Korean, married to a white man and is over the moon thrilled about having a granddaughter. I don't think we should use culture as an excuse for tactless behavior. Your DH needs to step up and let his mother know that her behavior is unacceptable.
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