How to demand that in-laws don't stay after baby is born?

leschreiber · June 2014

My husband has made it very clear that he wants his mom and sister and her two children and husband to stay with us leading up to and for a short time after the baby is born. All of his family is out of town, and this being our first child, he is excited to share the baby-having-experience with everyone. While I appreciate his excitement, I am not as excited about his family staying with us, after the baby is born. Because we are moving in to a new home with space to provide, he believes we should provide it, and I don't mind his mom, so much as his sister and her family and two children who are not well supervised, messy, loud, and, did I mention, they want to bring their dog. I get along well with his sister, but am not very keen on dealing with the stress of having guests, let alone this many. I am actually up at night worrying already about the destruction our home will face at the hands of their kids. I'm a very orderly and clean person and when I am overwhelmed with the baby I'm hoping that the idea of knowing what I prepared ahead of time for the baby will be neat, at least until I begin using it all, but if his family stays ahead of time, I know all my planning and organizing will be disrupted. It is not that I do not want them there, I do, but I'd truly prefer if they stayed elsewhere. His mom could easily afford a hotel, his sister, not as much, and I felt bad making the suggestion to my husband, but I made it all the same. His only compromise was, he'll ask them to be quiet and clean up after themselves, and to leave a day or two after the baby is born.

I know my husband worries I don't like his family, but the truth is that I do, they just stress me out, and that is the last thing I want when I have a new baby. I don't think he understands yet how much work will be involved in all this, the man doesn't even know how to change a diaper, and I certainly know he has no concept of what I'm going to be feeling. I've attempted to explain and am asking for advice about what more to say to him to convince him that it just being us after the baby is born is the best way to begin our new family, not with everyone else there. I don't want him to think that I am against his family, because I'm not, I simply want this to be our time with our new baby, and I don't want to be hiding out in our room with her until they leave. And I certainly don't want to deal with the laundry and cleanup after they're gone! How can I put my foot down gently?

cookieinva · June 2014

Well, if they leave "a day or two after baby is born" then wouldn't you still be in the hospital? If so I think that doesn't sound so bad. He can clean up after them if they don't do so themselves and you still come home to the orderly environment you want. That actually sounds like a win-win to me. I wouldn't want small children (and pets!?) visiting me just as i came home either, but like a pp said some visitors can actually be handy to have around (if they are helpful).

ashiscute · June 2014

MrsMuq said:

Can you compromise and say yes to the MIL but SIL and her kids need to stay elsewhere?

MILs can be very helpful those first few days.... at least mine was. She cleaned, cooked, helped with the dog, and helped MH with some of the childcare stuff when I slept (he was a nervous wreck and having his mom around seemed to calm him).

I agree with this. I would suggest your MIL stay and maybe ask SIL to stay elsewhere or postpone their visit. You won't believe how grateful you'll be for another pair of arms so you can take a shower or a quick nap.

This is a tough situation because you want to be comfortable the first few days while you are learning about your baby and that could be difficult with too many people around. However, I wouldn't be worried about things being neat and orderly.

francined01 · June 2014

No way! this should be a happy time for bonding with your baby. You will be so stressed. I would put my foot down and just say no. My in laws come about 6 weeks after each of my kids were born. My mom stays but only to help. And she does!

My husband wouldn't even suggest anything other than this.

24karat · June 2014

I agree that your DH doesn't sound like he has any idea how absurd his idea is, or what is about to happen to boot. MIL staying with you? That's no big deal and can actually be beneficial in a huge way. But SIL plus her DH, kids and dog? That's a BSC insane idea, even if her kids and pet are perfectly behaved. There's nothing wrong with family being involved and there for you, but this a bad way to go about it.

There is a time to be gracious and host lots of visiting family or help with food and lodging...the days before and after childbirth are NOT one of those times.

laurenita8 · June 2014

Best of luck, it's not you being crazy or unreasonable here.

leschreiber · June 2014

Thanks for all the advice. I'll definitely take a lot of it into consideration before I bring this up again with my husband. I hadn't thought about them staying a couple days and those day being while I was in the hospital. I don't think that's what he is thinking unfortunately. It's nice to know I'm not being completely crazy and mean. He and I do have a pretty solid relationship so I'm hoping that if I can make him understand just how uncomfortable I'll be he'll change his mind or compromise and just say his mom will stay, which is something I wouldn't mind too much.

ConversationFear · June 2014

DaisyBlinks said:

Ha, that's insane. I would laugh at my husband if he 'insisted' on that.

This. There is no way I would agree to this at all. MIL maybe - the circus that's included? No way.

Honestly - his family should know better, even if husband does insist. Especially if your SIL already has kids. They should be declining for a later visit after you get settled in.

PrimRoseMama · June 2014

No your husband is insane

KJT37mom · June 2014

Your husband is being unreasonable. You - and he - need time to bond with your newborn, not wait on his family. If MIL will be helpful - mine wasn't, I came home to disaster of a kitchen, laundry piled up, etc. after my DD was born - then have her stay for the length of time you feel appropriate. Tell him his sister and kids can come for a visit when youi're up for it.

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

Oh hell no. Hell no.

I would let MIL stay, but SIL and her family would have to find a hotel once we are home from the hospital. If he doesn't like that idea, then me and the baby would be the ones checking into the hotel.

If he resisted too much ( which my husband wouldn't because...well he isn't an a-hole), I would look at him straight in the eye and say " Look buddy, someone in this situation is going to be upset. So you can either choose to upset your sister or you can upset me. Ya know the woman you vowed to put above all others, the woman that you sleep next to every night in bed and the woman that would have just given birth to your baby. So who's it going to be, me or her ?"

KittyMisha · June 2014

^ Excellent advice

Disneygeek77 · June 2014

I also wanted to say that they can look at hotwire for pet friendly hotels. I have used hotwire several times and have not been disappointed. A few weeks ago we got a pet friendly 3 star hotel with a pool and a free breakfast for $60 a night.

I can not emphasize enough how ludicrous and inconsiderate he is being right now and I would have no problems throwing out the "" I'm your wife, my needs come first, especially at this time " card.

KayteeGee · June 2014

Ditto everyone else.
You're already up nights stressed about this... and your DH doesn't see THAT ALONE as a problem. I mean, honestly, even if it was a reasonable request (TWO KIDS AND A DOG makes it not a reasonable request) he should not want you to be stressed like this.
I think your DH sounds like an idiot. Either that or you're hiding how stressed you are about this from him.
Talk to him. Tell him this just isn't something you can cope with. Seriously, no one who won't be a legitimate help to you needs to be at your house. You should not have to do ANY hosting or entertaining of GUESTS. If family is not there in the capacity to be helping, they need to go somewhere else.

Unknown · June 2014

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Erin0303 · June 2014

Your husband has no idea whats in store for y'all when baby comes. Priority lies with you, baby, hubby, and thats it. It will be a very stressful time. Do the extended family even WANT to be there during that time? Maybe he is just making a stink to try and put his foot down somewhere manly. If SIL has kids, she should know better and I would definitely feel like an intrusion staying with a new baby.

I hope he can compromise on the situation. If it makes you feel any better, my mom is moving down to stay with us until her new house is ready, and it looks as if she will be living with us through the time our new baby is born, too. We are all not happy about it because we know it will be stressful. If you have the choice, don't do it

Erin0303 · June 2014

Bliss+Berry said:

At best you're husband is being an idiot. As for him insisting and "making it clear" that his family is staying, he sounds kind of like a douche. Sorry, I would put my foot down. I can't believe his sister, having kids, would think that her bringing her kids and dog to stay with a newborn is a good idea. Shallow end of the gene pool, I guess.

AGREE!

flcl · June 2014

Well, since it's a whole day after you originally posted, I'm hoping that you had a chance to talk to your DH and he's being considerate of your feelings. If you guys haven'd had a chance to talk, maybe you can just show him this post and the responses you've gotten. PPs have give great advice and they're absolutely right. Understandably DH is excited but your time at the hospital is short and the first few days at home are exhausting... exciting but exhausting. If MIL is helpful, you may appreciate having her around but the rest of the gang should find somewhere else to stay and visit only when you're ready. SIL should understand, she has children of her own. GL!!

lynnz52 · June 2014

My husband never appreciates when I go online to find advice about our relationship, so I try not to tell him.. hehe.

My husband would have everyone stay with us too. He tried to invite any family member "that couldn't afford a hotel room" to stay with us the week before our wedding. We had a argument about it, and made a compromise that he could have groomsmen stay the night before only. Thank god that happened because I'm sure I'd be in this same situation with the new baby.

You have to make it clear how you feel about guests. In both of our families.. the women get stuck with being the host, no matter how much our husbands promise we won't be. He needs to put your needs and the baby's needs as first priority. A compromise makes the arguement a little easier to get through.

blushingbride_08 · June 2014

I went thru something similar and my in laws still don't like me. I really wanted time after the baby was born for dh and I to bond as a new family. There's no way to gently put your foot down. You'll need to be firm. GL!

JSS1002 · June 2014

HEre's how:
No.

When he carries a human being inside his body for 9 months and then brings it into this world, he can have his mommy and sister come stay.

Kaimyra · June 2014

I would also rely/use baby's developing immune system as a reason to keep extra people (especially kids and animals) from staying in the house. It may depend on your vaccination schedule, but either way that sounds like a lot of potential exposure to the newborn. Even if it's not your greatest concern, it's a valid excuse to use.

Best of luck! My DH and I are also trying to figure out what we will be able to handle and what won't overly offend family. When it comes down to it, though, I'm sure you'll find that "mama bear" voice to do what's best for you and LO.

brachysira · June 2014

PPs have hit on the important points. What I don't understand is why he even thinks they should be there. And why they even would want to come. Did you stay at SIL's house when her children were born? Can they attend the baby shower instead? Or the first birthday party? I have never heard of a party at your home when your baby is born. Does he do everything with them? Will they come along on your family vacations?

I would not focus on your cleaning inclinations. Don't get caught up in arguing about how much trouble a dog is or about whether SILs kids are more mature these days. This isn't a quirky thing about you and it isn't about them at all. Bringing home a new baby, especially for the first time, is an intimate experience. You and DH working together on something you both really care about. You are sleep deprived, figuring out feeding, and forgetting what part of the day it is. If you think MIL will make things easier and you'd like to share this with her, invite her. Otherwise, they can all visit later.

MrsLaLaBug · June 2014

how can you put your foot down gently?? Just do it. Put your foot down. It's your house, your baby, your time bonding with your new family. Your inlaws will still be there a week or two after the baby is born. They don't need to be there 10 seconds after you bring your newborn home for the first time. What does he not understand about that?

Empireceo · June 2014

Way. The. Fuck. Too. Many. People. Tell your H to pull his head out of his ass.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

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Erin0303 · June 2014

Stephanie2378 said:

FYI I just read your post to my husband and he said with actual fear in his eyes," You'd kill me if I even joked about that." And he's 100% right.

LMAO

Ciardasully · June 2014

I have no advice but I hope this all works out.

MMason12 · July 2014

Disneygeek77 said:

Oh hell no. Hell no.

I would let MIL stay, but SIL and her family would have to find a hotel once we are home from the hospital. If he doesn't like that idea, then me and the baby would be the ones checking into the hotel.

If he resisted too much ( which my husband wouldn't because...well he isn't an a-hole), I would look at him straight in the eye and say " Look buddy, someone in this situation is going to be upset. So you can either choose to upset your sister or you can upset me. Ya know the woman you vowed to put above all others, the woman that you sleep next to every night in bed and the woman that would have just given birth to your baby. So who's it going to be, me or her ?"

100% THIS!!!!! Just remind him who he has to live with every day for the rest of his life if he isn't willing to compromise. He's being insane right now!

SingleMom31 · July 2014

Have you talked to him yet? I hope it went/goes well

makaelashook2 · July 2014

If your husband isn't up to talking to his family about this, I would suggest you do it. Men don't really understand
what goes on after the baby arrives. I would simply suggest that they stay somewhere else but be allowed to visit. It's understandable that he's excited but he doesn't understand the mother's perspective. After all, it's you having the baby.

tusshie2004 · July 2014

You will be exhausted once baby comes. You don't know exhaustion until you have been in labor anywhere from 12 to 32 hours. If you have a C-section (this will be my third), you will be in a lot of pain and discomfort. You'll also be tired beyond belief!

Toss in exhaustion, recovering from pushing your LO out or from having surgery and it will take it's tool on you. You need ALL the rest you can get. Hosting people is not something you will want to do. Your DH needs to consider things from your point of view. The first 2 (5 days if you have to get a C-section) you will be in the hospital. Once you get home it's a whole new ball game.

Talk to your DH. If it's too much for you, lay down the law. You want to bond with baby. That's what matters. Family can stay else where.

JuliaB317 · July 2014

This insistence of your husband's seems really pushy and unfair. Tell him to birth a watermelon from his genitals while you invite a house full of people/kids/dogs over at the same time. Okay, that was mean and sarcastic, but he is being unreasonable.

You may be a less stubborn personal than I, but I would seriously put my foot down and say NO. You seem to be handling this very graciously and I applaud you for that, but I also think you should stand up for yourself and your needs since you're the one giving birth.

You love his family, and he should know that. It's okay to ask for things and take care of yourself though. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. What about your family/close people to you? Does he respect how much you want them around? Or the boundaries you've set for them?

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