DH is sucking

bumpuser10331514 · June 2014

And I mean that in the kindest possible way.

I just had our second and have been back to work for a few weeks. DS is 18 mos and DD is 4 mos. We split our schedules so I have them in the AM, and DH has them in the PM. He picks them up from DC at 5pm, gets home around 5:15 or 5:30. Dinner at 6:30. Bed at 8 for DS. Bed b/t 8 and 9 for DD.

DD cries and screams most of the time from the time she gets home until DH can get her to bed. She only does this with DH. She's a dream for me. She's a doll for DC. He has trouble getting her to take a bottle from him, and he isn't very good at comforting her. With DS, it was much easier for him, and he bonded with him much earlier.

I've tried offering advice, and he gets super-defensive. I also put a lot of effort into being supportive, but he's still very negative. My DH has seen how easy it can be when I'm around and he goes back and forth b/t being appreciative and seeming to feel like a failure. So b/c he has such a charged emotional reaction to seeing me parent, any time we're "comparing notes" or just talking about things they did/do, it turns into him jumping all over me.

Although I've never said this to him, I think he hasn't matured into being a parent yet. He wants to be able to sit on his duff, surfing the web, and watching TV - parenting "from the couch" so-to-speak. And he doesn't seem to be able to read their needs very well. I've tried pointing out to him when one of them is signalling something, so he can see it, but he effing blows me off b/c of his pride. Like he doesn't need me to tell him about his kids...

8-|

I thought these were all transition issues, but after week 2 passed without much improvement, and week 3 and 4 passed without him accepting any kind of advice (or even being able to have a conversation about it) - I realize that the only way he's going to get to where he needs to be is on his own. I am gritting my teeth already thinking about my kids' experience of all this. A change in schedule is not an option. I can't not work and we can't afford to put the kids in DC fulltime. His schedule is inflexible.

What the eff is my next move? Can anyone say to me, "Hey, it'll be ok. Sometimes dads take longer to adjust. Your kids aren't being irreversibly damaged. DD is not developing an anxiety disorder. Things will improve if you just let them work themselves out"? Or maybe a happy ending to a similar story? I'd even settle for "I'm experiencing the same thing..." Or, crap, blame the kids! It's possible - DS is usually supertired when he comes home from DC, DD refused to even take a bottle for awhile, DD is used to falling asleep while nursing, DS laughs in the face of the sternest "No" you've ever heard, DD gives you a 10-second window to meet her needs before settling into a fullblown nuclear meltdown. It could be the kids...

(

justjinny · June 2014

It took our DS awhile to adjust to nights at home after first starting daycare. MH does the PM pick up and was frustrated at first because DS was so fussy and difficult at night but usually very good otherwise.

Could you try switching your schedule once or twice in the upcoming weeks so you can see what things are like after daycare pick up?

I couldn't fully appreciate what MH was handling each night until I took the PM shift once. DS was just out of wack for a good few hours and was much more needy than in the mornings before daycare. Now that he's been going for a few months things are much better at night, but he still can be a bit fussy occasionally if he hasn't gotten in good naps or feedings during the day.

*sparky* · June 2014

That does sound rough. And I agree that seems pretty late for a 4-month-old. Also DC is exhausting for them at first. When DS started DC there were nights he was sound asleep by 6 pm. So maybe that is part of it?

He will get his groove down but evening duty with two young kids is rough. I agree with trying to bring in some help but will he take offense to that suggestion? It sounds like he is a little sensitive about this and I don't know if that will make it worse.

bumpuser10331514 · June 2014

I'll do some experimenting with earlier bedtimes on the nights I'm home. I don't think DH is up much for experimenting...

I'll also take a day or two off, pick the kids up from DC, and send DH to happy hour. He'll love that, too.

I would love for him to have some help at night...just not sure how to swing that.

In the meantime, I'll continue to be supportive. Such a good reminder, CourtandNate, that I started preparing over a year ago. I've already sent 2 super supportive texts. >:D<

Myaflowers · June 2014

I don't have anything new to add in terms of advice, but I wanted to say that I have been alone with DD every week night since she was 2 weeks old because DH works nights. It has been VERY rough at times. I can't imagine how hard it must be with two. There were days when I would literally dread going home from work because I was tired and burned out. It has gotten better as DD has gotten older. One thing that made it better for me is that my mom would come to help out one night a week (she's actually here now!). It was only one night out of 5, but it gave me something to look forward to. Do you have any friend or family that might be willing to come help DH even one night per week until the baby is a little older? Just a thought. I'm sure it will get easier soon! 4 months was a really rough time for us at night because DD was fussy and didn't go down very easily at bed time.

bumpuser10331514 · June 2014

Seriously, what can I say to him? I just got off the phone with him now and he is basically saying that he hates his life and the fact that he can't just walk out, makes him even more depressed. I've told him that I think he's depressed, but can't get him to do counseling. He hates his job, but won't look for a better one. He hates not having money, but won't stop spending it on lunches and coffee, and won't look at our budget with me. He hates the work we have to do on the house we just bought, but won't pick up the phone or do any work. He says he's not happy with me, but honestly I think he just wants to use me as a scapegoat. I'm not perfect, but I work my a$$ off. He says he wishes he never had kids, so he could have more freedom. I have to admit that my level of resentment is quite high, but at the same time, I know that I have to be supportive if we're going to get through what is really just a particularly stressful time. He makes me feel very hopeless. I almost wish he would leave so I could do the things that I have to do without the additional stress of him.

jellybean529 · June 2014

SomebabiesMom said:

Seriously, what can I say to him? I just got off the phone with him now and he is basically saying that he hates his life and the fact that he can't just walk out, makes him even more depressed. I've told him that I think he's depressed, but can't get him to do counseling. He hates his job, but won't look for a better one. He hates not having money, but won't stop spending it on lunches and coffee, and won't look at our budget with me. He hates the work we have to do on the house we just bought, but won't pick up the phone or do any work. He says he's not happy with me, but honestly I think he just wants to use me as a scapegoat. I'm not perfect, but I work my a$$ off. He says he wishes he never had kids, so he could have more freedom. I have to admit that my level of resentment is quite high, but at the same time, I know that I have to be supportive if we're going to get through what is really just a particularly stressful time. He makes me feel very hopeless. I almost wish he would leave so I could do the things that I have to do without the additional stress of him.

It sounds like depression to me. Maybe suggest counseling? Or marriage counseling?

ETA - Missed that you said he won't do counseling. I'm sorry.

Maybe he'd go for marriage counseling so he's not alone?

Virgo17 · June 2014

I'm sorry, it sounds like things are really stressful right now. My older two kids are about 15 months apart. DS had undiagnosed reflux for a bit so we had some MISERABLE nights. DH and I were both home, DD was in bed, and we still thought we were going to pull our hair out. DS would scream inconsolably for hours and hours.

All that to say, evenings are way more difficult than mornings. Everyone is tired and cranky, then add to that the stress of dinner, baths, and bedtime. Then, having a newborn plus another young child with needs, I can see why he is having a hard time. I get anxiety about one night alone, let alone know that is the routine every single day.

I think you need to take a good look at what is causing the stress. Maybe DH needs to look for a new job with different hours. Do you have any friends or family nearby for support? I agree with PP suggestion to hire some help for the evenings. Is there a HS student nearby that could come over for 1-2 hours each evening for the summer?

bumpuser10331514 · June 2014

I suggested earlier bedtimes, getting someone in for an hour a couple nights a week, and me taking a day or two off, and he nixed all of them. I think all he wants is for me to support him unconditionally without offering suggestions. Even though it turned into an "everything sucks" rant that is really hard to hear, he did seem to have a second wind when the baby started crying again.

In spite of all this, I'm glad it's not a medical issue. It sucks that she only does this around him, but I did some websurfing last night and found a lot of dads who felt the same way about their new ones initially. I think they'll bond eventually. And I have no fears whatsoever of him harming either kid in the meantime.

I just wish we were past it.

AZ123 · June 2014

your poor husband. Evenings with a 4 month old is horrible. Especially when they've been at daycare and are over stimulated etc. tell him this is temporary. it will get easier around 8 months. Until then, tell him to put on the baby bjorn and walk around or buy him an excerise ball, inflate it, put it in front of the tv and tell him to hold her and bounce and never stop bouncing. Your DD may also need a short evening nap.

Don't stress the not bonding thing. Honestly, he's there and he's doing it. Just tell him to do his best and forget the rest. the bonding comes later. Honestly, only moms really get to bond those early months. The guys bond around age 2.

AZ123 · June 2014

One other thing. Just keep telling him when he tells you he hates life etc that this is temporary and having new little kids like this is actually one of the hardest stages of life and the most challenging on a marriage. All this will pass as the kids get older and things get more manageable. don't worry about the house stuff. Try to put as much as you can on hold until life with little ones calms down a bit. You two deserve to cut each other some slack.

lifeinthedreamhouse · June 2014

I think you're being too hard on your h. I'm in his position. I have a 2.5 and a 6 month old every night and it is not easy. The kids are not as well behaved as they are in the morning. They are tired, hungry and cranky. I have called my h and said the same things your h did. That I hated my life and couldn't handle it. Didn't mean I wasn't bonding with my baby or not being a good mom. I was just overwhelmed and alone. Things are much better now that my baby is 6 months. I'm sure your husband will handle things better given more time as the baby gets older. I definitely think he should start bedtime for the 4 month old earlier. From your post it doesn't really sound like you think he is doing a good job and even though you think you are being supportive he can probably tell that you're not sympathetic.

88sharonlee · June 2014

This sounds really tough. It sounds to me like your DH really needs to vent and get his frustrations out, but doesn't want you to fix the problem. Some people just need to say how stressed, mad, unhappy etc they feel but don't want or expect you to solve the problem, so just listen, that's supportive.

I do know it's hard when DH says things about how unhappy he is, or makes it seem like he doesn't love you or your LO, it hurts to hear, but if he really wanted out he would leave, so maybe he just wants to bitch about it and be heard. Immature maybe but he's still there still caring for you and your family- that's something.

I also know that when my LO started DC at 3 months she would just scream and cry from the time DH picked her up until I got home. Id would get home to my DH looking exhausted and pissed off from trying to console a baby who apparently just wanted a boob after a long day at DC! My DH was not happy.

One night he asked if we could put her on eBay!

bUT, it did get better, and now they enjoy their time together before I get home.

So things will change, they may get worse, they may get better, but they definetly won't stay the same.
My LO started being less of a terror after about 1-2 months of DC.

I wish you luck, hopefully you can ride this storm out.

*sparky* · June 2014

I am so sorry - can you talk to him in the morning or on the weekend when he's not in the midst of dealing with tired and cranky kids? That will make anyone say some pretty crazy things.

You have some great suggestions and he obviously needs a break. But I know my DH hates admitting defeat and would feel like bringing someone in for help would be admitting he can't handle it. So you need to spin it in a way that it sounds like a positive.

Starfish+77 · June 2014

I am in your DH shoes and many times am hating life recently. DD is 19 mos and DS is 3 mos. DD is still in FT daycare and DS will start soon when I go back to work. I pick her up each day and the 2 hours I'm home alone with the 2 is insane. DS has his witching hours when I finally get to spend time with DD. It's hard at this age because at 19 mos (18 mos for you) they're still so needy obviously. I actually just posted a job on care.com for a mothers helper for each night a couple hours. Can you do something similar?? I honestly can't imagine having to get both of them to bed each night without my DH. I would do my best to look for some help for your DH until maybe your LO is 6 mos or so as that's when it seemed to get easier (with my DD anyway). Good luck!

emberlee3 · June 2014

When I went back to work after DD, she still had raging colic and screamed for hours every evening. She would pass out from exhaustion at 10, but no way in hell could you maintain sanity and care for her and DS by yourself.

Every time I had to work through bedtime, I arranged for my mom to come help DH. If our regular schedule had required either one of us to be alone every evening, we would have had to hire help.

I also agree with PPs not to worry about bonding at this point. MH seemed to bond with DD very quickly, but then she became colicky and refused to let him feed her. Their bonding took a few steps backward until she outgrew the colic. They are very close now, and he loves to do stuff with just her.

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